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I have posted before so a lot of you already know my story. My BH and I started marriage counseling last week and I think it is really going to help, but we don’t go back until 12/20 so I could use some advice before then. I feel like after my BH and I have a good 3-4 days together he purposely finds something to get angry about and pushes me away. I feel like he does this because he is afraid to let me back in and get hurt again. This really bothers me and feel that my emotions stay all over the place.
Another issue is the feelings I had towards my AP. I explained to him that I liked the attention and he made me feel like he chose me. The AP was a former co-worker. We both transferred out and while I was in management training I had to do an audit at a store near his. I immediately knew that I wanted to do to his store and see him after my audit. He was a store manager and all store managers had the same corporate schedule so I knew he would be there that day. This was almost a year after the affair ended. I wanted to see him again to see what would happen and maybe rekindle the feelings I had before. The problem that I am having is that my BH wants to know what kind of feelings I had for him and why after a year I wanted to go and try to see him again. I really don’t know what was going through my head and why I wanted to see him again. Our affair ended with him starting to sleep with another co-worker. What in my mind possessed me to go and see him again. I can’t really explain it and that infuriates my BH. I really want to help my BH through this recovery but I don’t really have a good answer as to why this happened and what my feelings were towards my AP except seeking attention. Any advice? I have been a terrible wife through most of our recovery but I really do want to do what it takes to help our marriage heal. It is like I had a mind block and feels like someone else doing all of these terrible things in the past. I have trickle truthed through the recovery process and tried to protect my image. I didn’t want to hurt my BH more than I had already and I didn’t want him to view me in a negative light anymore than he already had. I was more worried about me and not him and his feelings. I really do want to make a change but I also want to feel safe doing so. My husband seems to get frustrated at me when my answers don’t make sense to him or they are not as deep as he thinks they should be. The frustration then turns to anger. I get so nervous sometimes talking to him and I can’t think straight. I am not in any means painting him in a negative light. If anything he should be praised for sticking by my side no matter how much I have hurt him in the past. I vow to never hurt him like that again but I have to completely be transparent about details. There are no more affairs. Our MC told us to discuss questions in counseling but is it really fair for him to hold onto things bothering him 2 weeks at a time. I don’t have anymore affairs to hide or anything like that. I just think he wants to understand my affair more. I have to understand myself first and I really am struggling with the whys and how I let myself do that stuff

Timeline wise, how does your return trip to see your AP overlap with your attempted EA with your other coworker? Did being rejected by potential AP #2 trigger you to go back to AP #1 for validation of your attractiveness?

It is VERY normal for a BS to get upset, or push their WS away,after a few good days. It's part of our process.

No stop sign so I'll chime in as a BS. Full disclosure I am not in R nor married (caught my ex-fiancee a week before wedding). However I'll try to comment based on my mindset as a betrayed. I want to highlight this part

I didn’t want to hurt my BH more than I had already and I didn’t want him to view me in a negative light anymore than he already had.

As a BS this is the EXACT thing that hurts me. This quote is to protect yourself and your own ego, at the cost of the BS knowing the truth.

To me, if my WS came completely clean about all the dirty details, I will respect and trust her much much more, because I know how hard it is to do, and how much courage it would take). The typical WS behavior is to minimize and TT, which we can see through easily at this point. So when you TT you're hurting the BS regardless of what you say or omit, because we know you're TT-ing. I will view my WS in a negative light if I know she is still lying to me, or not telling me the truth. I will NOT view my WS in a negative light if I know she is trying her best, despite the pain it causes her, to tell me the whole truth. It's what we as BS crave so badly, the whole, unedited, unadulterated truth.

I was more worried about me and not him and his feelings.

Yes you are. I'm glad you recognize this. But the fact that your answers put yourself above your BS is what will make him not trust and not respect you.

I really do want to make a change but I also want to feel safe doing so.

This is where imo you need to take a leap of faith, like your BS is doing by choosing R. If you want to tell the whole truth you won't feel 100% safe, because you know the details will trigger your BS, at least in the short term. You need to be vulnerable, and trust that you're doing the right thing. More importantly, you need to trust your BS that you're making the sacrifices of your own safety so that he can heal in the best way possible, by having the whole truth. As a BS this is sign of true remorse, and I would cry in joy for.

Hope this helps. Or if I'm really wrong feel free to let me know and I'll delete.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 2:27 AM, Wednesday, December 15th]

Another BS here.
Please don't be offended but, you need to be "COMPLETELY" transparent with your BS.
Don't trickle truth him ! If he asks, answer him truthfully, don't hold anything back. You're effectively lying to your BH by omitting things that make you look bad. He'll never be able to trust you if you continue. And if he can't trust you, it's all over.

There are a couple of different pieces that need to be addressed here.

A. As HellFire said, it is completely normal for the BS to have a few "good days" followed by "bad days". I'm almost 5 years out and while the times between "bad days" are much further (as in sometimes it will a few months), the "bad days" still exist. The trauma is real and it won't ever fully disappear. Your BH isn't "purposely" finding something to be upset about. You cannot begin to fathom what happens in the mind of a BS. Things jump out at us without rhyme or reason. Don't blame him for the agony and angst that his mind has happening. He didn't ask for any of this. What will help you (and him) is to work on developing empathy for him. Instead of being upset and accusing him of looking for things to be angry about, tell him that it's OK to be angry, that you understand why he is upset, and that you are sorry for [fill in the blank with the specific issue] and that you will do whatever he needs (obviously within reason) to walk the path to healing together.

And if you haven't already, read Linda MacDonald's short book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It is an absolute step-by-step roadmap in this process. If you Google the title and .pdf, you can likely find a copy available online.

B. Your question/thought about the MC's request that you only fiscuss things in session is a normal MC request. Very likely, the MC feels you two need that "safe" location with a professional available to help guide you through the discussion. At almost 5 years post D-Day v1.0 (and almost 4 years post D-Day v2.0), my wife is just now (after 18 months of MC initially and 12 months most recently) able to have a conversation about potentially difficult things outside of a session.

C. Where you really need to be exploring the questions of the feelings/wanting to see AP is NOT in MC, but rather in IC. This isn't a "marriage" issue. It's a "you" issue. As someone who has watched my wife be unable to "get it" for 5 years, to have to deal with blameshifting, defensiveness and minimizing at every turn, let me be perfectly clear: until you have worked on and made the changes within yourself that lead you to consistently seek whatever it is you are seeking outside of your marital relationship, you are slowly torturing yourself and your BH and will ultimately destroy any opportunity to restore and reconcile the relationship.

While vowing to never have another affair, you already vowed not to have one to begin with, and well...

You have to work on those pieces of you that crave the attention & the validation, that have sought comfort & companionship outside of your marriage. Until those things are addressed and progress is made to make healthy choices when faced with whatever led you to the A in the first place, all the MC in the world will be useless. Believe me, I've seen it play out in real-time the last 5 years.

It sounds like on some level that affair didn't actually end.

Also, "safe"? Like you think he might get physical with you in anger....or just say things to hurt your feelings?

BW79,

I have trickle truthed through the recovery process and tried to protect my image. I didn’t want to hurt my BH more than I had already and I didn’t want him to view me in a negative light anymore than he already had. I was more worried about me and not him and his feelings. I really do want to make a change but I also want to feel safe doing so.

Do you recognize the selfish thinking in the sentences above? You say you want to do things that help your BH, but then it ends up with protecting yourself.

So, perhaps to put in in another way, what can you list down, that you have done for your BH to help him heal, and to make yourself safe for him?

At the moment, your need to feel safe seems to trump that of your BH's need to feel safe with you. What steps are you taking to address that?

Brave…. It was before the EA with potential AP#2. I just want to understand myself and why I allowed myself to make these terrible decisions

Old me…. You are not wrong. This has been so hard for me to swallow me pride and admit my wrongdoings. I hate to see the hurt on his face and all the pain I have caused him. You are right. I need to give all the details so he can accept and heal. Thanks for the advice

Captain Rogers…… I do have IC scheduled but cannot get in until middle of January. This is why I allow BS to comment on my posts. It is not always what you want to hear but it does allow me to see if from both sides and not just getting pity from Waywards. Thanks for the advice

Never2late…. He would NEVER get physical with me. He just gets angry and says things to hurt my feelings. I feel like when he gets so angry we can’t talk because no matter what I say he is going to explode

Rocket….. you are so right. I am still protecting myself and putting my image above his feelings. I want to fix things but I am scared of the process.

Have you sat down and written a timeline of your affair(s)? This may help you bring back some details and feelings about the events that occurred and help you start figuring out your why’s while also providing information to your BH.

There are different kinds of timelines, but I recommend one that tells the story vs. bullet points. Write out what you did and how you felt and why you made the decisions you did.

You can then start peeling the layers back and go deeper with each decision made.

The anger is normal. The mood swings normal. My husband often said he had a hard time recognizing himself from day to day. As you and he both process your affair and as remorse builds, that anger subsides.

I just want to understand myself and why I allowed myself to make these terrible decisions

Sounds like you very much have issues with validation and seeking validation from others rather than finding it in healthy places in your life. That would be a good place to start in IC--why you feel the need to seek this from others vs. from your BH, your family, your healthy hobbies, etc.

Many serial waywards have major issues with validation and that is part and parcel of what drives them to seek validation outside healthy outlets and relationships. Basically, they're looking for the mirror that reflects back what they want to see. It's not about how wonderful the other person is . . . it's about how that other person makes the wayward feel about themselves.

Because you are serially unfaithful, you'll need to do a lot of extra work and have a lot of extra patience to figure this one out. Everyone's motives, even those that we feel are subconscious, are rooted in SOMETHING. Somtimes it's the person's FOO, sometimes it's poor coping techniques when dealing with stress . . . but none of these are excuses. However, understanding what drives this behavior is a first step to correcting it.

I'm not sure you've been totally honest with yourself yet. Have you?

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 12:54 PM, Wednesday, December 15th]

Just put these two statements side by side and think about what you are telling us here:

I feel like after my BH and I have a good 3-4 days together he purposely finds something to get angry about and pushes me away. I feel like he does this because he is afraid to let me back in and get hurt again. This really bothers me and feel that my emotions stay all over the place.

I have been a terrible wife through most of our recovery but I really do want to do what it takes to help our marriage heal. It is like I had a mind block and feels like someone else doing all of these terrible things in the past. I have trickle truthed through the recovery process and tried to protect my image.

There isn't much of a mystery here. Your husband’s pattern is perfectly natural even for a BH with a WW doing intense work, being completely transparent and showing true empathy.

You haven't been doing those things and by your own account you still aren't.

So why would you be surprised when your husband reacts like a rational human being with visceral moral anger?

In short, I'm surprised that you're surprised. Are you really confused about this?

Lastly, the first statement reflects continued wayward thinking.

You would rather ascribe Machiavellian motives to your husband than to own the real reasons for why he is traumatized.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:34 PM, Wednesday, December 15th]

He says things that hurt your feelings?

Or does he speak the truth,and that hurts you,to know how he feels about what you did, and what you are doing?

Why are you being defensive? After the LTA,and another EA, what exactly, do you have to defend? I asked my husband that question, many years ago,and it stumped him. He really had no defense

Your husband need to know how you felt about the AP. Telling him you don't know, is unacceptable. You need to either tell him the truth,or did for that answer. That's part of the work

"I don't know" and "I don't remember"will guarantee that you get what you've been getting.

I am scared of the process.

Oh yes, it does feel incredibly scary. What parts scare you?

I feel like when he gets so angry we can’t talk because no matter what I say he is going to explode

My wife did this to me. It felt like she was trying to manipulate me or trickle truth me so she could only feed me the knowledge I could handle. It was incredibly frustrating because it just dragged out my agony. You need to realize he is going to explode and deserves to explode. You hurt him. He is using anger to cover up his sadness.

I commented on your last post where you discussed disclosing to your husband. He is mad now, but this should be his last big explosion. He will have other triggers and it will be up to you to learn how to sooth him during those rises in emotions.

Breathe and realize you don't need to fear the explosions now. That was the reactions he had to you not trusting him while asking him to trust you. As you get more distance from this final disclosure, you can start to fix the marriage. Sadly, it sounds like you are just now, finally understanding the impact from what you have done. It is going to be a long road ahead, but you postponed this pain. Now it is time to endure and heal.

Oh, never expect him to trust you again or give you "privacy." Trust is great in marriages, but like money, some people can't handle it. Instead think of the other parts of the marriage you give each other and focus on those while you heal your spouse.