It never fails to amaze me at how continually selfish and manipulative people can be about topics as "rights" and "choices" and "decisions", but in particular, those people who voice their anger and frustrations the loudest and most fervently are the very people who took those very same things away from others in the first place, and still are in some cases. And now we are here, arguing over why those same people feel so unfairly treated when THEIR rights, choices and decisions are suddenly threatened by others, and how we, the people trying to help them, are somehow the "real" bad people for suggesting to them that they cannot heal or grow while continuing to hurt others. "See how unfair we are to them? How cruel? How we are just seeking power and control over others? How their feelings don't matter? How dare we tell them what works!" They are here, screaming "Help me! What should I do?" after failing, after destroying their own lives and the lives of the spouses, families and friends around them, here they came running for help from us, and when it is given. freely and with great hope... suddenly, that can't possibly be right? "You mean, I have actually confront my feelings? I have to do and feel difficult things such as being vulnerable and having empathy for others? I have to hurt? My BS has to hurt? I have to suffer consequences for my actions? What kind of bullshit is that? Can't I just say sorry and move on with this? Where are the ruby red slippers and the bippity-boppity-boo? Why do I have to be an asshole and hurt my spouse more by telling them? (Which is weird because they didn't seem to have a problem with hurting their spouses plenty when it was to their advantage to do so?)"
Let me break this down to its most simple form for people.
Someone who cheated, is, by their very definition, someone who lied, misled, betrayed, manipulated and gas-lit others. Period.
For the sake of brevity, let's just stick with the term "liar" which is really the heart of it all.
"There seems to be an SI 'playbook' and there is only one way for everyone to proceed. Why can't there be another way? Is it because you guys are selfish and just want everything done your own way? You just like to hear yourselves talk and feel superior about yourselves?" (A summarized quote)
The WS'nish is this statement is staggering. Yes, that is correct, there is only one playbook, and only one way. In its simplest form, this is the truth...
THE ONLY WAY TO NOT BE A LIAR IS TO NOT LIE, AND TELL THE TRUTH INSTEAD.
Now in fairness, since some are arguing here that there should be a second playbook for those whom playbook #1 doesn't fit, I ask you, please, what is the other option here? Please explain to me how a liar can continue to lie and yet "experience a lot of personal growth in that area"? How can they continue to lie and yet claim they are not because "they don't lie anymore" while still not confessing (which is called lying) to their spouses? How do they claim to now be better spouses, simply because they stopped having an affair and are trying to assuage their guilt by being nice to their spouses who are still in the dark? What has changed? How are they now safer people for their partners? We can talk all day long about how they saw an IC, and how they cried, and how they feed puppies in the park now, but at the end of the day, they lied. They did, they lied. And the end result of that lie was that it was covered up, remains covered up and always will, which in most crimes is known as "getting away with it, covering up the evidence and acting as if it nothing happened", and there is nothing noble or good or kind or truthful in that. That, is a criminal, being a criminal. Nothing has changed. Nothing.
"YOU DON"T HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE THE DECISION TO TELL ME WHAT'S RIGHT FOR ME AND MY FAMILY. I KNOW MY LIFE, YOU DON'T, SO F--- OFF"
I hear that one all the time, from the people that did, and still are, making those very same decisions for the spouses and families om a daily basis, and yet, can't bear to see that in themselves. THEY are the victims, the cheaters and liars, THEY are the victims here in their own eyes, and they'll be damned if anyone else is going to do to them what they did and still are doing to others. And then they give you such a guilt trip over it that we, the people trying to help, end up feeling as if somehow we're the assholes for having to take time out of our day, and the work on our own relationships, to help them instead, and not doing so in a way that doesn't get their panties in a bunch. They are still gas-lighting themselves and us. And some of us still fall for it.
Sorry, but I won't pretend to be nice for the sake of another wayward's hurt feelings. I won't pet your little head and tell you what a special person you really are deep down. And I sure as hell don't give a damn how you feel about me in the least, so don't bother.
My wife and I were discussing things the other day, and we noted that human nature is as follows... "We all expect others to think, feel and act as we do. If we are loving, caring, giving people, we expect others to treat us the same way, and are shocked when they do not. If we are deceitful, manipulative, selfish people, then we expect others to lie to and manipulate us, and are shocked when they do not". What we are dealing with here is the latter. They literally look at telling the truth as harmful, and continued lying and covering up as "moral and considerate" to their victims. The thought that this is self-serving is to them, just rediculous, just more of an attempt to "control them" somehow.
After D-Day, in my full wayward fog, I was confident my wife was corrupt as I was. I figured she was cheating already or would. I assumed she was lying to me, controlling me, just trying to get her own way. I thought she was incredibly selfish and uncaring. She seemed to have no empathy at all for me and my pain! I saw her as a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad everything really, and slept with one eye open, always wondering why she was over-reacting with so much hate towards me. I thought these things because that's how MY spineless, selfish brain worked at the time. And you could not have told me differently... or more accurately stated, I was simply incapable of hearing it, or accepting it and owning it. I was scared, afraid, hurt, lost, and lashing out, looking for anyone to put the rug back under my feet that I myself had yanked out. It was all about me for several years aftward. So when I give others shit about this, please understand, I do not do some from the position of feeling "superior" or "successful" in any way. I come from the position of, "I AM THAT person, I have been there, made those same mistakes, and I did SO MUCH MORE FUCKING DAMAGE to myself, my spouse, kids, family, friends, coworkers, community... I am not here to preach to others to "be like me". I am sharing my experiences, and more than anything, I am sharing what time and time again turns out to be a universal truth... you cannot continue to do the wrong thing and yet heal or grow from it, and you sure as hell don't get to brag to other about how great you are doing and how they should feel free to do the same. You don't get to brand others, who have successfully (so far) done the hard work and had the hard conversations and point fingers at us for daring to offer solid advice, even when that advice comes out in a way you don't like. We're stern because you're in the middle of having a temper tantrum until you get your way, and guess what? You ain't gonna get it.
More than anything, IMO, no one, not a WS, not even another BS, has the right to advise anyone else to continue to take the decision, the choice and the knowledge away from another BS. If it worked out for you somehow, fine, you can share that story! What we cannot do however is remove the right from other BS's to know the truth about their own lives and sometimes even their own health. We do not get to place the WS's "rights and feelings" above the betrayed spouse's rights and feelings, or the BS ends up being raped and betrayed over and over again. And we sure as hell don't get too smug about it.
I am going to leave you with two quotes from Brene Brown that I feel sum things up nicely:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
And this one:
“If you are not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback”