I just want to reiterate that almost this entire conversation is a Wayward manipulation that is designed to distract you from the real issue, is an attempt to make you feel guilty for having boundaries, attempts to shift blame to others and away from the WS, and is also a form of gas-lighting. False logic is used to make points that actually have nothing to do with the real issue, and a constant effort is made to redirect you to a wayward train of thought and bolster the WS's fragile ego while questioning your own. Stop falling for it.
Statements such as "So a wayward can't offer an opinion if they didn't have a DDay?" or "So there is only one story?" are carefully crafted questions that have no legitimate answer. It's a trap. It is designed to make you, the authentic people, question your own position, and attempts to stop you in your tracks from asking the WS to own their behavior. If you say yes, then you're an asshole, if you say no, then you're a hypocrite. Gaslighting 101.
Other statements, such as "Shouldn't we celebrate the WS's positive progress?" robs the BS of their experience and pain, and attempts to gain sympathy and adoration for the WS, as if they were the victim here. Again, it is designed to remove focus from the WS and instead shift blame to others. It is an attempt to make you feel guilty for having healthy boundaries. You will be bombarded by words such as "fair" and "rights", but only in regard to the WS. Blame-shifting 101.
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Close your eyes and picture a pregnant woman. Inside that woman's belly is a baby. An unborn baby.
This baby has amazing potential. One day, it could cure cancer, or become a President, or bring about world peace, or perform on Broadway. It could learn to eat and walk, go to school, fall in love, get married, have kids and grandkids. The possibilities are endless.
BUT FIRST THE BABY HAS TO BE BORN
WS: "Now does that mean there is "only one acceptable story"? Why do babies have to be born? That is just you trying to control the situation, to get your own way, and make yourself feel powerful and feel better about yourself. So I guess unborn babies don't matter, right?"
Look, there is no "other story" for birth. It can be a C-section or natural birth, but there is no skipping birth. The baby cannot choose to stay in its mother's womb for the rest of its life and yet claim to be born. We can bitch and complain all we like about the fact that being born is a step that you can't skip, but it's no indicative of an "attitude problem", it is a fact of life. In the same way, you cannot skip past the part of the affair where the crime is exposed and dealt with. It's not an opinion, it's part of the process, and honestly, it's the most critical one. You cannot claim to be a former wayward or reconciled couple when the crime that defined you as a WS in the first place is still taking place. Reality 101
For the sake of argument, let's say that the baby decides to never leave the womb. The baby grows into an adult inside its mother's belly. The mother is stuck carrying the person in her stomach for the rest of her life. The pain it causes her, the extra weight she bears, the situation she did not sign up for... all these things are foisted upon or robbed from her. The baby lives in peace and calm and comfort while the mother continues to suffer every minute of every day. And yet we are being asked to bless and praise this.
WS: "So what if the baby stays inside the mother? Can we not celebrate its growth, its progress? Do those things not matter?"
No they don't matter. A full-grown adult is still in their mother's belly, are we expected to congratulate them for having 10 perfect fingers and toes? "Oh look, Mary's baby learned an Irish jig and is doing it in his mother's belly! Isn't that an accomplishment?" No. The mother is getting kicked in the ribs while the baby does whatever it wants. In the same way, we do not need to praise or even acknowledge a WS for "accomplishments" and "progress" which ignore, and fly in the face of, the suffering of their spouse. You are less angry these days? You are nicer to your BS? What the hell does that have to do with anything? How does it help the BS? How is that anything but an attention grab for the WS? It's evil. Misdirection 101 with a special focus on manipulation.
WS: "Ok, but you don't understand the situation, you don't know my life. The baby's father threatened to commit suicide if the baby is born. So by not being born, the baby is actually saving a life, and saving the family. Nothing good could possibly come from being born. This is the right decision for everyone"
No, it's PhD level manipulation and avoidance. The father is responsible for his own life, his own choices, and frankly, needs psychiatric help. NONE of this has anything to do with the baby or whether or not it should be born. It actually could prevent the father from getting the help he desperately needs, and again, leaves the mother stuck with a baby in her for life. You cannot continue to do the wrong things, continue to hurt people, and yet praise yourself and others for doing so, and claim it is "what is best for everyone." It's not. It is what is best for you. It is unfair of others (family, kids) to put your own choices on trial for their purposes. They are manipulating you the same way you are manipulating others. They are responsible for their own choices in life, not you. Doing the wrong thing is never the right thing.
Similar to what jaynelovesvera said, I am done banging a drum here. Stop being worked over by WS tricks and guilt. They are not the victims here. The description of the SI Wayward forum has this description of who this forum is for. "A forum for all Former WS's who have ended or trying to end their affairs and are striving to reconcile." People who have not disclosed their affair are doing neither. People who have done both, need to stop being made to feel guilty for doing the right thing.