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I do not know what to do. DDay was Friday, she (F 26) came home early from work crying saying she needed to tell me something. She told me she had been cheating with a coworker (M45, married with two kids) for months and on Friday she claims she told me because a scary situation happened between her and the coworker and it turned more physical. I am still very raw and in so much pain and sobbing.

My fiancée and I have been together for 8 years. We were supposed to get married in September of this year. We have a house and two dogs together. I absolutely love her with my entire heart. I lost my sister a few years ago in a car accident and my fiancee showed me how good of a life partner she could be. She was my rock and my safe space. Our relationships have had highs and lows throughout 8 years but we were at a high. We were planning our wedding and having fun and excited to see each other every day. She would always tell me how perfect of a partner I was.

My entire life has been ruined by her and this man. She claims she was vulnerable because of her new job but I can’t get past the fact that going through their messages, I can see that it was her reaching out. She knew that everything they were doing was wrong and that they were crossing boundaries. She would stay late at work to be with him and she told me that she HATED staying late at work. She would pick him over me and I am absolutely devastated. I am writing this at 3 in the morning absolutely sick to my stomach. I do not know if I can get past this. She claims that she is so sorry and this was the worst mistake of her life and that she loves me but right now I hate her. I can’t stand thinking about her because of the images I see inside my head. It makes so sense why she would do this I never could have fathomed that she would be the type of person to be unloyal.

There are other questions absolutely eating away at me I have not slept since Friday and have struggled to eat. I have relocated to my parents house for the time being but she keeps trying to reach out and get me to come home. I don’t know what to do I have prayed and prayed and sobbed and I am so unbelievably broken. I never thought that I would feel this was in my life and I am spiraling. My immediate feelings were to try and reconcile but as I’ve had to deal with the past two days I don’t know if I ever can. We had even spoke in the past about how we had been through so much together and we could work through pretty much anything but I always drew a hard boundary line in our relationship that I would never accept her if she cheated and now she did. I just can’t believe that my life is falling apart and I didn’t do anything to cause it.

I'm very sorry you're going through this awful experience.

First, you can and will get through this. Your current life has been ruined, but you probably have decades more to live, and those decades haven't been ruined. I know the present and future look impossible right now, but you can heal and create a good life.

Second, your W(ayward)S(ignificant)o(ther)'s A is about her, not about you. She reached out to this guy or let him reach her because of her issues with herself, not because of any issues with you. Even if she told herself she had an issue with you, she didn't. She failed. You didn't. Your relationship didn't.

Third, you're in shock. My reco is to go with the flow. Feel the love and the hate, the anger, the grief, the fear, and the shame. If you feel what you feel, you'll regain an equilibrium from which you can make good decisions for yourself. My reco is to start by figuring out what you want. If you want to split, your WSo is just a partner in a business transaction. If you want to R(econciliation), then she becomes very relevant. If she's remorseful, R is possible. If she isn't, R isn't.

Fourth, focus on healing first. Don't try to control the outcome. You can hold your head high whether you R or split, if you're true to yourself.

*****

But ... but ... but ... it looks like you and she have had one LT relationship. She cheated at a time in which successful relationships, one would guess, are getting closer and closer, and cheating does the opposite. I'd think very carefully about choosing R. I'd probably do some serious couples counseling in the hope that an objective observer can determine whether you WSo is a good candidate for R or not.

Who do you actually love - your WSo or just your image of your WSo?

I'm all for R when both partners are willing to work for R, but if you lean towards R, know that it takes longer than 8 months. I'd cancel - not postpone - the wedding. If you both do the work you need to do, you can always reschedule.

Confessing is a good start, but it's just a start.

You got together when you were very young. Your brains weren't mature yet. Now they probably are.

Objectively, splitting looks like the safest bet. But you know your sitch better than anyone else does. My guess is that if you wait until you're out of shock (2-3 months), you'll know what you want.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:15 PM, Sunday, January 4th]

I'm sorry your here.

She knew that cheating was a deal breaker but did it anyway. There are NO excuses for cheating.

My fww knew that too. I made the choice to R. It's been almost 40 years since my Dday. I wish I'd stuck to my guns and filed for D. If I could go back in time, I'd have filed as soon I could.

The problem you have is that you'll never be able to fully trust her again.
That's no way to live. I know from personal experience.

I wish you luck.

Google "shock". That’s what you are in right now. Betrayal is the worst pain I ever felt and I have lived a long time and experienced traumas. I have been to war and lost comrades. I have investigated suicides, aircraft accidents and murders. I spent 15 days in intensive care in a burn unit. Betrayal was worse. So trust me when I say that I know what you are going through. Everyone on this site knows your pain. In other words, you are normal.

Someone on this site once posted that the best place for a newly betrayed is on the fence. You stay there until you come out of shock and can make a reasoned decision. No one can tell you how long that will take or even when you’ll get out of shock. But in time you will begin to get your feet back under you.

You are very young and have a full life ahead of you. There is never a good time to be betrayed but as betrayals go, it’s better now than after you have formally tied your futures together financially and kid-wise. If you were my son, I’d tell you that while R is possible that it carries big risks. How would you ever be able to trust her again? Will you be able to block out the images and truly make love to her again? But I am not you and I don’t know your fiance. You’ll have to decide. But son, you can divorce and never worry about these issues again. The other thing I’d have to tell my son is that you need to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases and if you intend to have relations with her, so does she.

Try to exercise, rest, and eat. Things will settle and you’ll feel better. But right now you’ve been hit by a bus.

Sorry that you are here, but I want you to know that you will get thru this.
Both posters above gave good advice. You should walk away from this person. She has shown you who she is. Do you want to spend the rest of your life questioning where she is when she says she is working late? Will you be able to trust her going on a girls trip the way a normal married couple would?
You can do better than this woman.

Hello Fergus,

First, Im really sorry to hear you are going through this. I completely understand how you are feeling. I was there too. I don't believe that you truly hate her. I thought the same thing initially as well. Its deep disgust, betrayal, sadness, disappointment and panic all wrapped together.

Second. The first days and weeks after finding out are very stressful and take a major toll on you. This is normal. However, my suggestion is to make sure your addressing your basic needs. You will need your strength and clarity in the coming days. Eating and sleeping are crucial. Even if you have to force some food down and taking some magnesium glycinate, some sleepy time tea or a mild sleeping supplement. You'd be suprised to see how much this will affect your health quickly if not addressing your basic needs. The combination of stress, not eating and sleeping put me in a very bad place physically early on, if I could do something differently in the weeks after finding out. Thats one of the things I would have done differently and it would have made a huge difference in my quality of life.

Third, you dont have to rush to make a decision on whether your going to try to reconcile the relationship. But if you were to go that route, make sure what your seeing is true remorse and full transparency. It takes alot of work, time and emotional energy to work through something like this. You'll always live with it, but it can be less impactful over time.

Overall, take it one step at a time. Ask the questions you need answers to and ensure what she is saying is the honest truth. The answer will emerge over time on whether or not you truly want to reconcile the relationship. Focus on yourself, your needs, your understanding and processing. Only you can heal you, only she can heal her.

Best of luck to you, there are many that post here that will have other valuable insights and perspectives. Hang in there, you will get through this even though that may seem far-fetched, take it one day at a time.

[This message edited by TheBetrayedHusband at 6:47 PM, Sunday, January 4th]

To double-tap what Sisoon said: your "whole life" has not been ruined, only the life that you imagined you would have with your fiancée.

Please take all the time and space you need to process your feelings before deciding between reconciliation and ending the relationship. Seek support from a therapist or counselor at the very least. We will also be here for you. You do not have to face this betrayal alone.

If you do decide to seek support from friends, family, or other loved ones, just remember that whatever you tell them about the situation, you cannot take back that knowledge once you have shared it. It will forever color their opinion of your partner. It is entirely up to you whether you want them to know or not, but carefully consider what that will mean IF you do choose reconciliation in the future. You can tell them the wedding is "indefinitely postponed" for now, and thank them for their patience and consideration as you work through things.

As others have said, no matter what was or wasn’t going on in your relationship, this is NOT your fault. It was your fiancée’s decision to cheat, when she had a number of other options she could have chosen. Do not allow her to shift blame onto you. Do not allow her to minimize her actions or leave any bit of information about her infidelity undisclosed to you. Make sure she is aware that you will accept nothing but the whole truth and 110% accountability for her choices, and only then will she be a POSSIBLE candidate for reconciliation.

You should direct her to seek therapy/individual counseling immediately, regardless of the outcome of your relationship, for both her sake and yours. She ought to figure out what is happening inside her such that she could do such a despicable thing to the person she is supposed to love and protect. You can also direct her to the very helpful links here for wayward partners, so that she might begin to understand the depth of your pain and the damage she has caused, and what will need to happen IF she wants any CHANCE at reconciliation.

The road ahead of you will be long and difficult for the both of you. As I said, please seek out as much support as you can muster, and try to remember to take good care of yourself physically. In the end, no matter what happens, you will be okay.

You will receive zero verifiable truths until you compare notes with your wife’s affair partner’s spouse. DO NOT TELL HER YOU STE CONTACTING HER. By contacting her without your soon-to-be-ex’s knowledge you’ll soon (quickly) knowing they are still in contact.

She cheated on you during a time she should have been feeling closest to you - engaged and looking forward to a wedding. I’m sorry but she’s shown you exactly who she is, and while you’re currently in shock and likely desperately thinking how you can fix this and make the problem go away, there is literally nothing you can do to change the nature of her heart. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. At the very least, call the wedding off for now. She’s more than earned a demotion from fiancé.

Did she tell you why she confessed? Do NOT assume she felt guilty and unprompted decided to fill you in. It’s extremely possible her sexcapades were discovered at work and she knew there was a high risk someone would tell you. Could be someone told her "If you don’t tell him, I will". Other option is the AP’s wife found out and your fiancé decided her best bet was to get ahead of this. But DON’T assume this either. You absolutely must inform the a-hole’s wife. Many betrayed struggle with this, thinking they’re only trying to get "petty revenge" or some such. Nonsense. Ask yourself: if you were married and someone knew your wife was actively unfaithful, would you prefer them NOT to tell you? Would you prefer to be the last to know? It’s quite possible this man sleeps with anything that moves, so this woman (AND YOU) need STD checks pronto. Don’t rob the betrayed wife of her agency to make decisions about what’s happening in her marriage. Informing the other spouse is a natural consequence of her husband’s evil choices. Don’t listen to anyone who would claim this as petty payback.

And as been said: DO NOT TELL YOUR FIANCÉ you are informing his wife!!!!

Keep posting.

I am so sorry for you. This is awful and we understand your pain and devastation. Please know we will support you the best we can.

I am wondering what the situation was at work that became physical between her and her co-worker cheating Guy.

Is this something that should be reported to HR? Police? Charged filed? Arrests made?

I am asking because I wonder how much of the story is the truth or her covering her butt because maybe the other man’s wife found out and threatened to tell you or she was the aggressor at work and he’s threatening her or the affair was uncovered and she’s being fired?

How much of the story that she told you can be verified? I hope she wasn’t assaulted or threatened or is in a very unsafe situation.

I hope you consider getting professional counseling for yourself. And please consider cancelling the wedding (even if you plan to reschedule). For the next 9 months your heart will not be into planning a wedding. Your focus should be on healing yourself.

I am glad you are here. I saw your post on Reddit. As I mentioned, the folks here are wonderful. Keep posting frequently.

To add to everyone else above, highly recommend therapy ONLY with a Betrayal Trauma Specialist. Normal counselors often do not have the training to properly lead you through the healing process.

I also agree with telling other betrayed spouse. She has right to know and need to know to begin her journey.

I have comparable questions as The1St Wife.

You say they had a several month affair. Did the affair become physical that Friday, or are you referring to something else like a confrontation or them getting caught last Friday? Clarification might help us.
What is their work-relationship? Is he in any sort of management role? Is he is her hierarchy?

Hello, Fergus. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you've had to find us here.

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. It took me several months just to get over the shock and several years to heal.

Your #1 priority right now is to recover from the shock. That means taking care of yourself. I could barely function in the first few months after d-day. I lost over 30lbs in about three months. I couldn't sleep, felt anxious 24/7, couldn't focus on anything, would walk from one room to another with purpose and forget why I'd done it in the few moments it took to get there.

It's a powerful shock, young man.

Try to eat small, healthy meals when you can. No McD's or other crappy fast foods or microwave snacks. Good meats, cheeses, fruits and veggies.

Stay hydrated! Drink lots of water.

Absolutely no alcohol or recreational drugs. They may dull the pain in the short term while prolonging the agony.

"Hit the gym." It may seem like a cliche, but the endorphins and hormones will help your recovery. Take walks or ride your bike. Get out in nature if you can, even in the depths of winter mother nature has her own healing powers.

If you can't sleep, try a mild OTC sleep aid. Follow the instructions carefully.

If you have a PCP, make an appointment and let him know what's going on with you. Be open and honest. If the doc is older, chances are he's heard it all before and will give you some solid advice about how to recover from the shock.

Therapy can help. You may have to go through a few therapists before you click with someone. Remember, you're hiring the therapists, so interview him or her. Ask questions about their knowledge, training and personal experience with infidelity.

***

As others have advised, call off the wedding. Marrying this woman less than a year out from d-day would be an extremely poor and precarious choice.

In my own very humble opinion, I would advise you to ghost this woman. You are both still very young. Even older, mature old farts like me find examining behaviors and making changes very difficult. At barely 26 years old, I doubt she has the maturity or capacity to own and fix her shit, a paramount requirement for reconciliation.

As for the house, make arrangements through a neutral third-party if you can. Either one of you buys out the other or you split up the sale.

You WILL get through this. You will recover and heal. It takes time and a little effort on your part.

Know and understand that her decision to have this affair has absolutely nothing at all to do with you. Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have made any difference at all. Nothing about you, not your looks or physique, your successes or failures, had anything at all to do with her choice to have an affair.

Focus on you, your recovery and healing.

1st wife and Bigger have brought up some questions about the timeline. I’m guessing it was found out at work and you are getting theapology because it is now common knowledge. If she was the one pursuing the AP you need to understand that. It changes the focus. She is not a victim of a predatory boss.
Lots to unpack. If possible get outside to walk off some of this pent up pain and anger and then look at suggestions on here from folks who have walked this path.
Stay here for support. Great group of experts.

Clarifications for my post. The coworker is not a supervisor, it is a man from a different team who sits in a desk near hers. She claims that no one at work knew and that she told me because she was scared. The coworker asked her to come out to his car to talk and when she got down there he opened the back door and she got in. She claims that he started touching her legs and grabbing at her chest while kissing her neck. She says she told him no and got out of the truck before running out of the office crying which is when she came home. Previous to this she claims that the only physical contact they had was hugging and he kissed her on the cheek. She admits that she knew that he wanted her and he would tell her how sexy she looked at work daily. I came to her and said that her answer did not matter because we were already over and if I needed to get STD tested. She told me no and I want to trust her because she has admitted her relationship to her entire family now, and the stories lined up. We have canceled the wedding but no further steps have been taken. I have seen her twice now and each time I leave more confused than before. I told her I need time before I can do anything and I have shown her how much pain I am in. She is still inconsolable and has contacted a mental health professional on her own. I am just playing the waiting game for now for the shock to lessen. From your previous experience, is it better to go no contact in the beginning or is it okay to talk about things with the WP?

From what you have said Fergus, it may be possible she is telling the truth. Of course no guarantees at this point. Good sign she has told her family.

I would suggest it is good time to tell other Betrayed Spouse all you know. You may get confirmation or additional information. Or the other guy could lie too, likely will at some level. Depends if he is covering tracks yet.

As far as talking, I know I absolutely had to talk. My mind and body was screaming to know reality and the truth. Maybe it was not the prettiest, but it is how it worked for me. There was about 6 weeks of trickle truth for me, but my mind would not let any stone go unturned.

"No one will seek out the paths of a betrayers wanderings better than a lover jealous for all of their affections"

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 6:04 AM, Monday, January 5th]

So sorry Fergus. It's gut-wrenching to even read this, so cannot imagine how you may be feeling. We have all been through this unfortunately, and the early days are the hardest. Please lean on your close family and friends, stay away from alcohol. Its going to be a rough few months ahead.

Considering she betrayed you when both of you should have been excited about your wedding makes it even more tragic. You were right in calling off the wedding, but of course, you'll need more closure like a complete timeline of the affair and a polygraph to verify the facts. Her story to you and her family may line up but she can quite easily lie to everyone and once you get a chance to browse the various forums here, you will find out exactly how insidious cheaters are.

I'm afraid the benign "just hugging and kissing on the cheek" is straight out of a cheater's playbook and most of us have been trickle-truthed in a similar way. Granted that your fiancee confessed on her own, but its quite possible they went a lot further than she has described, and you've not been told the truth. You will need a complete timeline and a polygraph to verify if her story is true.

You also definitely need space AWAY from your fiancee. Continuing to live in the same house will NOT help in your healing.

Sending strength.

Fergus thank you for clarifying the situation regarding the encounter.

I don’t want to say your fiancée is not telling the truth, and I don’t want to make excuses for the cheating co-worker. But clearly there is a gray area as to what he thought — that she’s interested especially based on past encounters — and what their exchanges were.

If he was forceful and scared her after she said no, then her actions and behavior make sense. And for that reason I think she needs to find a new job immediately. Not as a way to reconcile with you but because she should not be around this person at all.

You did the right thing cancelling the wedding. As someone older who has seen so much in life, my personal experience has been this: of my friends & family that were cheated on during the engagement and married the cheater, they unfortunately ended up being cheated on during the marriage. Some once. More often more than once.

I think your ex-fiancee learned a valuable lesson here. She played with fire and lost it all. She definitely loved the ego boost or she would not have continued the texting and interaction. Please remember that as she’s acting like a victim in all of this. Yes she was victimized by this co-worker but remind yourself she was a willing participant for most of the interaction.

Please do not let her emotionally manipulate you because of her behavior right now. You may want to put your own thoughts in the table if you choose to continue to talk to her. That might be a good time to make it clear there is no wedding discussions or reconciliation discussions.

Now is the time you both need to heal. You each need individual counseling. As others have suggested, a betrayal/trauma specialist is recommended for you. I am one of the lucky ones that had an excellent counselor that literally saved my sanity during my H’s affair.

If it’s too much to remain in contact with the cheating fiancée it is ok to only communicate via text or an app. Right now YOU need to focus on your needs.

And just so you know, the only answer as to why she did what she did was because she wanted to — it was done so the two cheaters can get an ego boost.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:36 AM, Monday, January 5th]

My entire life has been ruined by her and this man.

I know it feels like it, but that’s just not true.

Your entire life will be ruined, or not, by your response to what they did. It seems like a subtle difference, but it’s not. You are actually in control of your life, not them. You choose how to respond.

As horrible as it is, it would’ve been worse if it had happened after you had been legally married. In that sense, you’ve dodged a bullet.

Your life has been shattered. Upended.

But coming from someone who is older, and suffered sone devastating break ups — I can tell you that this is just the final chapter of your story with the cheating fiancée.

I was madly in love with a guy in college and we did the long distance thing briefly until he broke up with me (on my birthday lol). Devastation doesn’t begin to describe it. I seriously thought he was the "one". No cheating involved — but he had a stupid reason (IMO) for ending it.

Six months later and I met my now Husband. Very different relationship and I realized that the guy I thought was "the one" would have left me with a lack of emotional connection. He just didn’t have that in him. Did he love me? Yes he did. But there was no romance. That just wasn’t him.

My point is that you will be hurt and upset and in pain for some time. It’s natural. But there’s a chance you will meet someone else and be happy and fulfilled etc.

Break ups suck. They really do. But have faith that this wasn’t meant to be and you are lucky to find out before the wedding as to who and what she really was.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:11 AM, Monday, January 5th]