SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s 2026 and time to retrain my brain, because I cannot unwind time.

I am sure most all of us, both those who were betrayed and the those who betrayed, long for the ability to reverse the tick tock and have a do-over. And though that kind of wishful thinking may at times be cathartic, we all know it is a pipedream that is unattainable.

For me, when things go awry, my go-to is to try to understand why. To attempt to logically see the pre steps that led to the undesirable outcome. And once I understood this, I would try to be honest with myself and tease out what my role in the downfall was. This method of problem solving has served me well throughout my life and I do not plan to abandon it.

However, trying to understand all the whys as my only option to think my way through my wife’s affair, was causing her and I more harm than good. Frankly, even though it was failing me, I would do it as the crazies do it, and repeat what wasn’t working. (Puts my smartness to question.)

I struggled for decades to try to "understand" the whys. I know, I know, it was fallacy thinking, thinking that if I could just understand, then it would make sense to me, therefore justifiable. And once I had justification tied up into a pretty, mental bow, the affair would be, well, understandable. Circular thinking.

Now, it is not that I had thought about it in those terms. This was all going on deep within my befuddled, brain.

In an attempt at a tab of justification on my part, my wife loved me, so there must have been a good reason for her affair because she is a decent and kind person and would never do this to me without an understandable, justifiable reason. (Stinking thinking, I know, no one has to tell me!) So, I refused to accept a reality where I would never know the whys. Which is why, even though extremely painful, I would keep endlessly ruminating causing a tomb’s echo to bounce between the two hemispheres of my brain.

Oddly, what assisted my failing method of "if I just knew all the facts", to persist, unabated for 30 plus years, was that my wife and I had, after D-day, successfully reshaped our marriage. We have a tender relationship and a ton of gratitude for what we have and have become both as individuals and as a couple. What we share now is far greater than what we had prior to D-day. I cherish what we created knowing full well that things could have gone south. Yet, our success also made my internal struggle to understand the whys much more confusing.

It was while in this state of defeated bewilderment I sought out SI, something that did not exist 32 years ago. Hell, the internet did not exist, and home computers were simply an up-and-coming fad that was a waste of one’s time unless you were a nerd.

At this moment what I wrote above makes me chuckle, because it is dawning on me that I came here to get outside help so that I might better "understand" the "whys" so I could uncover the "justification". Sigh, old habits, especially with old dude’s like me, die hard.

It was not but a day or two before some of you vets saw the flaw in my thinking and didn’t waste a second or mince words and challenged me to rethink the way I was thinking. I pushed back because "to understand" was my only tool in the toolbox and it felt like you all were attempting to stripped it away from me. As a few of you know, I fought back. Here is a little secret, I wasn’t angry, I was terrified.

I was being asked to "accept" without understanding. WTF, how does that work!

It was even suggested that I simply let it go. WHAT! How does one even do that!? Let it go, yeah right, I’ll get right on it.

Then there was what really ruffled my feathers.

Listen asterisk, try approaching it this way. "Your wife’s affair was then, this is now, live in the now, not in the past for past no longer exists. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GOBBLEDYGOOK!

And what really stung was I was me being asked to "see your wife as she is today, not as she was yesterday." Holy crap, that smarted. However, it also seeded itself deeply into my time hardened soil. Then, the refreshing part. Many of you tilled the soil and watered the seed helping it to take root. I felt its subterranean fingers threading themselves into my newly cultivated thoughts seeking nutrition supplied for the unseen and unknown sprout.

At first, the idea of living with and reacting to things only as they are now not as they were then, was painful. Ruminating had become my companion. But as the roots gave strength to the sturdy stalk and leafy branch, a bud appeared and all I needed to do was to retrain my brain and accept that even though I will never know the whys nor the justifications I have the power to enjoy the fullness of the buds as they colorfully spread themselves wide.

[This message edited by Asterisk at 6:40 PM, Thursday, January 1st]

I guess part of my focus for healing was the pursuit of the 'why' even if I wasn't able to fill in all of the blanks.

I learned there is no justification when one chooses to cheat.

In the myriad of responses to relationship adversity, none of them include adding a new person to the existing partnership. It is a universal wrong. If one is unhappy in any way or dissatisfied or whatever the excuse is, the front door always works better than hurting a partner with betrayal. Counseling always works better than betrayal, etc., etc.

I also learned, love isn't enough to stop people from making hurtful choices (to themselves and others).

If there is no excuse for cheating, I still needed to understand as much as I could about my wife's choices.

That pursuit allowed me to discover a lot more about my wife, and really helped me understand her overall life so much better than before.

As my pain was revealed in full, my wife learned a whole lot more about me.

That exchange became the material for rebuilding the broken foundation caused by infidelity.

Rumination is tricky, because I think part of emotional trauma recovery needs some of those endless loops (at first) to start healing.

Once your brain figures out time travel is not an option, the here and now becomes a priority.

I don't know that I retrained my brain entirely, but I have learned to how to change the proverbial channel.

I review every single negative thought and am grateful that my caveman brain is still looking out for me. And, as soon as I understand there is no fight or flight requirement for past pain, again, the here and now looks better every day.

Blame never solved a thing in my life.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda never made the sun shine brighter either.

The only moment I have is in the here and now, and I do get to choose my response to the present.

Again, did I retrain away all the pain? No, but I processed enough of the past that my energy helps me stay focused on the good stuff happening today.

I think you are actively processing some of that pain now in finding SI, and hopefully, you will get some more healing in the new year!

There are a few things about the "whys" that seem to be true.

There is no justification for infidelity. No "why" will ever change that. No explanation, cause or reason, will ever justify infidelity.

That being said, it seems to me that just about every betrayed spouse has a powerful need to understand why. We will never fully understand. However, we can come as close as possible without having been there and done that ourselves. It's a bit like an asymptotic curve; it takes increasing effort the closer one gets to the limit, while impossible to actually reach it.

Attaining this level of understanding is CRITICAL to reconciliation. It identifies what is broken in the wayward spouse.

In my exww's case, she has (had?) extremely powerful tendencies towards codependency. Her entire self-worth is (was?) based upon how she perceives whether others value her. If she receives love, praise, and affection, then her self-worth is flourishes. When she doesn't receive that external validation, her self-worth plummets.

When she cheated, our marriage was already hanging on by a thread. I did not act lovingly, praise her, nor was I affectionate. This desperate need for external validation drove me away. It was baffling to me, frustrating and exasperating. It was constant, projecting, dominating. My own tendencies to avoid conflict exacerbated her tendencies, which exacerbated mine, and so on and so forth, in a vicious cycle, until little was left of our relationship.

So, when a "seasoned" serial cheater picked up on the vibes... she accepted that external validation. She "needed" it.

I understand.

Does that justify infidelity? Hell to the mother-fucking no!

Filling an unhealthy "need" is not a justification. Failure to understand such a powerfully unhealthy "need" does not, in any way shape or form, make me accountable for her choices.

Now, here's the crux.

My exww went to therapy. She didn't exactly do so of her own accord. About six months after d-day, I gave her a choice: make an appointment with a therapist or a divorce lawyer.

If she could not or would not own and fix her shit then I would not remain married to her.

This is where reconciliation begins. Once a betrayed spouse has a good understanding of the "whys," and what's being done about them, then, and only then, can we start to trust again.

It's the "why nots" that solve the issue.

You and your wife have skipped this vital process.

Why did she have an affair? What was broken within her? What unhealthy "need" did the affair fulfill?

I believe 100% that she owes you the effort to do her absolute best to figure it all out and explain it all to you as well as she possibly can.

Without this, the dirt stays under the rug.

OldWounds and Unhinged,

To avoid unnecessary redundancies, I’m going to address the concern you both share in this post.

Once again, my poor writing skills have not correctly conveyed my message. And therefore, I believe it has left both of you with the same, though understandable, wrong understanding.

I was not attempting to state that a person that has experienced betrayal of a spouse is wrong for having whys and demanding honest explanations. If that was what either of you got from my original post, I would like to clean that up. Also, it appears that both of you seem to express that I thought there could be a justifiable reason for my wife’s affair. Not only was I not meaning to say that, actually I was trying (maybe poorly) to state that it is impossible to find justification for an affair and that I was on a fool’s errand by thinking if I could understand all the whys then I could find justification. Here is an example of my drive to know the whys, so I could understand and find its justification. You all have helped me to see that this is based in a fallacy.

I ask my wife "why you risk your reputation, employment, your marriage, your family and your self-worth by having an affair? She said, "I didn’t think you’d or anyone would ever find out." So that led to me asking with a little edge "So, you think I am stupid!" Then she was under the gun to say, "No, I don’t think you are stupid." Which then led to me asking for clarification of what she meant. So, we are now right back where we started. She stuttered around, seeking a less degrading response ending up with "I don’t know why", I just didn’t think it through." Which, my natural response was to ask: "How is it you didn’t think it through, that doesn’t make any sense!" She agreed, and went silent, which did not answer the question. So, seeing we were getting no where I asked, "Do you love me?" She stated, "Yes, I love you." Which led to me asking then how could you do that to me?" And the answer was "I don’t know, I was wrong!" Again, an answer that was not an answer. And rinse and repeat to many of the whys I had.

Now to be fair to my wife, there were many questions about how long, how often, what they did in bed, that she was extremely truthful. Painfully truthful!

The problem is that every question answered only led to another question. There was never going to be an end to my questions. And I am beginning to understand that the reason for this endless loop is that I was seeking a justification that just does not exist. The best I can ever hope for is to have some understanding and allow for grace to exist between us and accept the rest as it was and live in the moment that is.

There are many whys that a spouse has a right to and a wayward spouse has a responsibility to provide but, for a variety of reasons, some due to lies, some due to forgetfulness, and some due to "I don’t know why" not all of the whys will or can be fully known. So, what my less than accurate post was attempting to claim is that, at least for me and my circumstance, that I must accept and allow all the whys, both known and unknown, to exist in the past not in the moment.

So, to be clear as I know how. I do believe knowing the whys is important for a speedier reconciliation and/or recovery. I do not believe it is mandatory, but the lack of transparency will slow progress and make the suffering last beyond its due date. I also believe that there is "NO" justification though I will say, though this might rub some wrong, that there is a possibility of some understanding.

Hey Oldwounds you wrote;

Coulda, woulda, shoulda never made the sun shine brighter either.

I have read this thought many, many times here and I have even had it tossed my way numerous times. And when those two things happen, I give those thoughts lots of space in my head. I really do not grasp the absoluteness that I hear when this is said. I agree that to wallow in guilt over the couda, woulds, shoulda isn’t healthy or makes anyone’s life brighter but I also contend that one must ask themselves and evaluate all of the couldas, woulds, shouldas then admit them to themselves and if necessary to others so that they can develop new beliefs and behaviors moving forward. So, until convicned otherwise, I will continue, without accepting shame, to look at and speak about my coulds, woulds, shouds that rightfully exists. So, I’ll start and state that when D-day arrived I should have done things differently, because I could have and if I had, things

would have been different. 😊

Unhinged,

As always you have asked poignant and on point questions and as always, I have and still am evaluating them. What I particularly liked, though not full agree with the conclusion, was how you owned "I believe" your statement. It allows me to have my thoughts. Also, you showed the thoughtfulness towards my wife that I seek.

I believe 100% that she owes you the effort to do her absolute best to figure it all out and explain it all to you as well as she possibly can.
Without this, the dirt stays under the rug.

She was wrong, no bones about it. She had responsibilities to do her best, true. However, with how all people’s minds operate, memory is always less than 100% and given our D-day is decades old her recalls are lucky to be 50%. So, "I believe" that to expect 100% explanations owed is unrealistic and will lead to a poor outcome. To acknowledge this, it recognizes that there will always be some dirt left under the rug. And if true, then one might be smart to accept it as it is not as it should have been.

Thanks guys, I always appreciate your thoughts.
Asterisk

The problem is that every question answered only led to another question. There was never going to be an end to my questions. And I am beginning to understand that the reason for this endless loop is that I was seeking a justification that just does not exist. The best I can ever hope for is to have some understanding and allow for grace to exist between us and accept the rest as it was and live in the moment that is.

Truth

Do you honestly believe she doesn't know why she had her affair or that she didn't think it through?

Do you honestly believe that for over thirty years she's never tried to understand her own choices and actions?

How is that possible?

Hmmm ... actually, I did get to an end to my questions.

I've either asked or come close to asking: what do you think your W's A says about you? I think that's a crucial question for all of us. Universal. every one of us.

We have to retrain our brains to heal, and one of the areas for retraining is realizing that one's WS's A says nothing about the BS.

Even if the WS thinks they cheated because their BS lacks something the WS legitimately needs - even if the BS lacks something the WS does legitimately need, like if my W were gay, not bi - the WS's cheating says nothing about the BS. (Remember: if my W were gay, she could have talked it over with me before creating a sexual relationship with someone else.)

Par of that is accepting that the WS rejected the BS, but the WS did so out because of their own issues, not because of issues with the BS or the M.

But it's more than rejection. It's so easy for the BS to slide into a 'maybe I deserve this' or 'I do deserve thi' frame of mind. And, 'I should have known' and 'Boy, my response to d-day shows I'm a loser' and 'their A shows I'm a loser' and on and on with attacks on oneself because of what the WS did.

Turning of the attack-self messages and turning on nurture-self messages is the retraining that does the most good.

*****

We say one has to risk the M to save it. I believe that's another universal truth.

I think a lot that has to be risked is being loved. As scary as it is to ask, IMO any BS contemplating R needs to ask their WS if the WS loves them (the BS), and that needs to be asked in a way that makes 'no' an OK answer.

It took me a few weeks to realize that I needed to ask, 'Do you love me? Are you in love with me? Will you be monogamous from now on?' It took more time to pysch myself up to actually ask those questions.

I'm not sure the fears around being loved are universal among BSes, but I think they may be.

*****

The quest to understand one's WS's A(s) is not a direct path to healing, but I suspect it's a normal path after d-day for many of us, especially for those of us who post on the web.

Here's the thing, though: the BS will never understand, but the attempt to understand has the MAJOR benefit of demonstrating how good a candidate for R the WS is likely to be.

Answering questions honesty is positive for R; not answering honestly is negative. IOW, the way the WS responds to the BS's attempts at understanding is a good guide for the BS in choosing D or R.

And realizing one can't ever understand, at a gut level, is yet another indicator of healing.

*****

Anyway, WRT retraining your brain: good insight.

Hey Asterisk,

So, until convicned otherwise, I will continue, without accepting shame, to look at and speak about my coulds, woulds, shouds that rightfully exists.

There is a chance there is more than one path to the similar results we’re looking for.

My ‘would have, could have, should have’ mantra is simply me reminding me, I cannot change a single thing about what happened to me.

Of course, I can review the results and learn and adjust going forward — it’s the rumination about what might have been, that has proven to be a massive waste of my time and energy. Nothing I could have done to prevent my wife from choosing to do what she did.

The past at some point, really needs to be the past.

Also, I have found that even if someone did figure out a way to travel through time, I wouldn’t attempt to go back anyway.

All the dominoes that have fallen before, brought me to this moment where I am healed and happy, and my wife is healing and happier.

We never get to choose our tragedies, but I get to choose my response to them (even if it takes a few years of work to bounce back).

I can always hate what what happened to me and still be able to be grateful for what we built this morning and today.

But for me, any time looking back at "if I had only done this, then MAYBE the A wouldn’t have happened" is a waste.

Outside of a better childhood, a safer childhood, a more loving childhood — my wife isn’t sure what could have prevented her choices against her own best interests (and mine, and our kids). I think she had to fail and fall in order to discover what a healthy connection looks like. I’m glad I gave her the chance to show me her best self, with the horrible pain of lessons learned included.

To get back to the healing part, it is about accepting her for who she is today AND accepting me, knowing I did all I could with the information I had at the time.

I think it's important to figure out why the WP cheated as much as possible. It helps determine whether or not reconciliation is possible. There's a difference between a WP who cheats simply because they can, a serial cheater who has no intention of stopping, and a WP who has poor coping skills and made the wrong decisions. Then, the WP has to decide if they are willing to do the work necessary to fix themselves.

There is no coulda, woulda, shoulda, wrt to my H cheating. There was nothing I did or didn't do that caused that. There's nothing I could've or should've known. I couldn't have stopped it.

That's because it wasn't about me. It was about my H and his problems, his weakness, his poor coping skills. I knew there were problems with our relationship. I did my best to get my H to talk about them. He refused. He denied anything was wrong. I couldn't make him be honest. That is all on him.

I'm not afraid of not being loved. I was afraid of losing after Dday, not of losing my H, of just losing. I think my ego couldn't handle the idea that my H got to have his fun at my expense. I wasn't going to let him walk off into the sunset carefree while I was left with all the family responsibilities.

And I am beginning to understand that the reason for this endless loop is that I was seeking a justification that just does not exist.

In my scientific mind, this is the equation that is undefined, like dividing by zero.

The question of why is likely more complex than we can explain in words.

My wife's why came from her first family abandonment wound. Her dad dies of a heart attack when she's 6 in front of her. Her mom later on is going to send her to her aunts to live( mom was from a different era and that's what you did in her time) . So then my wife marries an aloof man who provides stability. Emotionally distant but stability. She feels abandoned as I'm a workaholic. Gone lots and exhausted when I get home. So when men give her attention she's getting her needs met. Then limerance kicks in and viola an affair is born. It wasn't one thing. It was a bunch of little and big ones. And me knowing the why? It didn't make me feel better. Any more than having all the details did. What all of this did was reprogram my brain to be in flight or fight ALL THE TIME. Did I ask for this? NO. Is it my wife's fault. YES. But it's way in the past now. She can't fix the triggers. It's like she broke the car. Is she going to fix it? No she brings it to a mechanic or gets you to. It's on you to fix why this is driving you. This far out why does it matter? The insane curiosity? The worry of a repeat? Infidelity isn't the lady with the scales metting out justice. It's a shit machine that sprays shit everywhere. You have to clean it up.
Have you heard of liminal space? Being in the hallway is hell. It's getting the hell out of it that just about kills you. I know for me at the end of the day, knowing why, what, where and when didn't make me feel an iota better. But finding some peace with it sure did. If you're trapped in that hallway that's a horrible place to be. And I find I can go in and out of it. The triggers really never go away. They just become something you live with. My wife has done an amazing amount of work since the affair. She is not the same person. Is she capable of having another affair. Yes. Will she? I don't know. But I will deal with that if it happens. Maybe your wife doesn't know why. Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe thinking about it isn't something she wants. Digging up bones isn't for everybody. I get the wanting to know why. I still do it sometimes myself. But what really kills us is the answer. Sometimes there isn't one. That's why we have "It is what it is" Not having an answer puts you in a trauma loop. And trauma memories are built differently then regular memories. Trauma memories go to the front of the class. Your wife is dealing with regular memories of something she probably isn't proud of. So some of it she probably wants to forget and the shame of it makes her want to forget. Then there's you. You remember every detail like it happened yesterday. Because trauma engrained that in you. So why doesn't she know why, when everything is so clear and concise for me? I bet she's wanted it to go away. Nobody likes to feel shame. And most waywards (normal people who fucked up big time) feel bad for what they did. I get not wanting to go back and relive your shame.

Just a Kudo for all who have posted on this thread so far - well said!

There is no justification for infidelity. No "why" will ever change that. No explanation, cause or reason, will ever justify infidelity.

The betrayed just irk me to no end when they blame themself for their spouse's cheating.

Threads go where they go, but I wanted to mention that I read Asterisk’s post as indicating he’d had a transformative breakthrough, helped along by us, in breaking out of the 30 year backward-looking death spiral of asking why, accompanied by a big improvement in his relationship with his wife, and wanted us to join him in celebrating.

But I’m not sure everyone read it that way.

Hello fellow mariners,

I’ll be honest mates, I didn’t even know how to respond to the comments, for I felt misunderstood and a little judged. In my bewilderment I decided the best course to take was to keep quiet. I needed to be alone so I could regain the elation I was feeling when I wrote this post. I just didn’t, and I don’t yet, understand how this thread got swamped. Instead of raising a glass of champagne to clink in solidary, I poured out the bubbly and shuttered my words.

While in this self-imposed isolation a few realizations helped to buoyant my sunken thoughts. There are two that I am willing to share.

The one that stands out as the most important is, is that I unnecessarily set myself adrift and for the past 3 days I have missed you guys and gals, Betrayeds and Waywards, terribly.

The other is that there is no question that for most of us, infidelity bombed our ports forcing us to set sail straight into the tempest. And though the explosions that caused our crafts to leave the safety of their docks are similar in nature, how to right and repair the hulls and then captain our restored ships are as diverse as those sailing these raging seas of infidelity.

Yes, there are similarities in how we steer the latitudes and longitudes hoping to navigate around the naval mines laid to blow a hole in the bow. But I must remember there are vast differences as well. And those disparities might cause some bluster or even cannon fire.

However, there is one naval code that all sailors in distress know they can rely on. No matter the nationality, the language spoken, the flag o’er the stern, those same sailors will not hesitate to set aside their differences, put themselves in peril, and respond to the SOS Mayday.

Forever your thankful shipmate,

Asterisk