SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today marks 3 years since I first found about my WS's LTA. Current status is that we're slooooowly working toward a divorce, and I live separately for most of the week. Most nearby friends and immediate family are now aware that we're divorcing, but only a few know why.

On most days, the thought of getting divorced brings me a great sense of relief, but today and last Sunday (our wedding anniversary) have mostly brought grief. Grief that this is how 30 years of partnership is ending. Grief that, at 50 years old, it's too late to have a "do over" of my life and a real life-long love with someone. Grief that my heart still feels numb and empty when I think about that kind of thing.

WS has unleashed his true self over the past couple months - diving headfirst into his latest hobby, making new friends, staying out late to drink and smoke cigars, spending way more than I'm comfortable with. It all serves to convince me that I'm making the right choice in leaving him. He tried hard to moderate his tendencies for a few months after I told him I'm moving out in an attempt to win me back, but I suspected it wouldn't last.

I know it's his business now, and it really shouldn't bother me, but it does add fuel to grieving. To see how I supported his hobbies, kept his worst tendencies in check, helped him build a nest egg, and more - and yet, he decided (twice!) that he was in love with someone else. I'm not sure I'll ever stop feeling brokenhearted about it.

The wounds run deep. I had a one-and-done attitude about marriage. I was raised to believe that conflicts can be worked out, but even my parents say what he did is a bridge too far.

Today, I'm feeling raw. Tomorrow, hopefully the scabs will be back, but today, it really hurts.

Proceed with utmost caution tempered with the advice of an old experienced "shark" divorce attorney.

Never cared one bit for cigar smokers - like they don't give a sxxt about those around them who have to share the air.

Grief that, at 50 years old, it's too late to have a "do over" of my life and a real life-long love with someone.

You absolutely can have a do-over at 50 and meet the real life-long love with someone. I don't believe there is only one person who would be my soulmate. Not only did I meet someone at 50 he's been the best partner I've had and has treated me better than anyone has in my entire 52 years on this planet. Even if it doesn't work out I'm glad to have had this experience with him. I do hope that he will be the last partner I have in life but as we all know life can be unpredictable.

So don't sell yourself short there are lots of great people out there and you have a lot of living to do now ;)

I get the no do overs part. That was a huge reason I stayed early on after learning of my husband’s LTA. Yes, I know that it’s never too late to fall in love again and find a great partner. But the no do over is the fact that you can’t do it all over with the father of your children. You won’t grow old together rocking grand babies. I had and still have zero desire to share that gift with anyone but him nor do I have it in me to pretend anyone else’s kids or grandkids will mean as much to me as my own do. I realize that sounds very selfish, but it’s honest. 🤷‍♀️ so I am here to say, I get that sadness and I am sorry you have to feel it. 😢 I am also sorry that your husband didn’t step up and mend himself and your marriage.

But the no do over is the fact that you can’t do it all over with the father of your children. You won’t grow old together rocking grand babies.

This is what I meant, too, Not that I couldn't fall in love with someone again (though right now it 100% feels I couldn't, I know feelings can change).

We got married pretty young, in our early 20s, and I really thought I would grow old with this person at my side. The loss of that future is compounded by the loss of my health - no more bike rides, or hikes, or travel adventures - so that's another future I've been mourning. The two have overlapped these past 5 years, and it's taken a big mental toll. I'm gradually pulling out of it, and most days, I have a will to live again. I think (hope?) that will get even better after the divorce is finalized and the kid goes off to college. At that point, I should be able to reduce my contact with WS (I can't say "stbx" because it's probably going to take another year at least).

We are on such similar timelines. My 3 year DD is in exactly 10 days. I am still married, barely, but have com VERY close to divorce the past year and most days I stil think I am heading that way in the near future. I've had the house valued by a realtor and I've started telling some close friends I believe I might be heading for D. I'm also a one and done kind of person with M. Just wanted to check in and say I'm sorry you are hurting and I hope the future brings you peace and happiness.

What’s holding back on just getting this over?
It really sounds like you have accepted that the marriage is over, that there is no or limited will on his behalf to reconcile and it doesn’t really sound like you have any wish to either. Your kids know, your friends (that matter) know your marriage is in a rut... Why not just pull the trigger and get this over with?

spending way more than I'm comfortable with.

Keep in mind that you could end up funding his excessive spending... Either in the form of possible shared debt, or by him legally eating away at savings – diminishing whatever assets would otherwise be part of the marital pot.
Also – keep in mind that the longer this takes the more likely it might become that he can move around or deplete assets that would otherwise be marital.

If you were my sister I would be telling you this – and I would probably be reminding you every day until I see action being taken:
Do some quick online research about divorce in your state/country. Don’t pretend to understand the details – you mainly want to know what the next steps are, sort-of know what to expect and what documentation and information your soon-to-be attorney might require.
Even if your state offers mediation then don’t see that as a no-attorney situation. It’s rather a less-attorney situation, with less cost and no court-time. A mediator is looking for resolving a situation – they want their solution to be fair-enough to pass a judge without more review. Only needs to be "fair enough".
You want at least an attorney to act as a sounding board before accepting any offers made in mediation. At the least – you two might sit down with a mediator and hammer out some agreement, but before you sign anything you take that agreement to your legal counsel and have it approved as fair for you.

Bigger, sorry, I wasn't clear - I am 100% getting a divorce. We are meeting with a mediator next week, and we've already filled out the worksheets. I said "slooooowly working toward a divorce" because every step is taking about five times as long as I hoped it would. I wanted to do all of the paperwork through legal channels rather than on our own, and that has slowed down the process. Putting the brakes on his spending will be a topic of discussion with the mediator for sure, as will the question of how quickly we can legally separate our finances.

NoThanks, my heart breaks for you and your situation.

Unfortunately, we all here know too well that infidelity is " the gift that keeps on giving"

Im glad that you're divorcing.

Many hugs sent your way.

That’s good to hear.

IMHO one of the more common problems we see here on SI is when a betrayed spouse enters some state of inaction. We see it in varying scenarios, ranging from total inaction despite an ongoing affair, to where the inaction is hidden behind some never-to-be-fulfilled threat like "I’m not reconciling with him/her and will leave the moment junior goes to college" – with junior being less than 2 years old and basically a decade plus of misery ahead.
I tend to try to poke those that I think are in this paralysis in an attempt to get them moving.

It's good to see you are taking action, and I hope you get the resolution you want.

Is it possible for you to separate your finances? Take half of the cash in the checking account and open up a new account in your name only. Tell him going forward any joint housing expenses will be shared equally. Cancel all joint credit cards and open up a credit card in your name only. Print out hard copies of all financials so that if he does start squandering money your attorney can hopefully use that against him in court so that you are made whole

Thank you, Dorothy & Bigger!

WB1340, we are both trying very hard to avoid going to court, so we're working with a mediator for now. I'm trying to keep things as amicable as possible. Hopefully the mediator will advise on how quickly we can legally separate our finances. We're in a no-fault, common property state, but my understanding is that after the initial paperwork is filed with the court, we can truly separate our finances.

Also, to be fair to WS, he has promised to reimburse me for all his excess spending, and both of us have full access to bank accounts and credit cards (I was doing most of the financial management during our marriage), so it's easy to keep track of what he has spent. I'm not worried that he will bankrupt us or anything. I just feel like he has revealed his true nature after claiming to me that he's changed.

NTFTM...

Just a gentle reminder that the same guy who is now promising to reimburse for the excessive spending is the same guy that once promised to be faithful and love and respect you forever...

One suggestion: I think that a clean break is always better. Like let’s say his excessive spending is 10k, and you two divide all the assets and savings and debts and all that stuff and he gives you an IOU for the 10k... You could spend years waiting for payment... Instead suggest a slightly lopsided division of assets – like you get all the furniture, the better vehicle, more of the family home or whatever and call it even.

One more thing to keep in mind: A mediator’s role is to find a mutual solution. One solution might be that you keep credit-card A and he takes CC B, and that despite both being issued as mutual cards then you will pay all of A and he all of B. If this is entered into the divorce contract then he is obligated to pay CC B. However... if he doesn’t.... the provider could still go after you for payment. All the divorce papers say are that he should have paid, and that you can now sue him for payment. Little things like this are why I always suggest you have your own legal advice to go over whatever settlement the mediator might put on the table before signing.

I second Bigger about having your own representation in addition to the mediator.

I didn’t trust my ex as far I could throw him, which is why I got a lawyer rather than try mediation (even though we didn’t have kids or any major shared assets).

I’m glad I did because after I filed, he went on a major spending spree (buying suits, watches, etc). The last straw was when I came home to a voicemail from a car dealership. I called my lawyer, who then wrote a very spicy to letter to his lawyer, and that was that.

You and your husband don’t seem to have much animosity and certainly get along better than my ex and I did toward the end… but that doesn’t mean you should let your guard down and take his word that he will fulfill his promises.

He says he will pay you back the money he’s squandered? Get it in writing.

Thank you both - I appreciate the concern. I do have a lawyer, and I will ask her to review the settlement document before submitting it to the court. The money he has "promised" me is included in the settlement amounts we're negotiating, so there will be no IOU after we're divorced. I'm not going to have any financial ties to him other than our child. The goal is to do all the financial division before the year end along with all the filings so that in 2026, our finances are completely separate. In California, any property or debt accrued after the other person is served with papers is considered non-communal, so I think I'll be safe once that happens.

The one thing keeping stbx behaving well in all this is that I still haven't told our kid or local friends about his cheating. He knows that if he treats me badly in the divorce, that will come out, and he's still very protective of his self-image. He's also aware that I have a lawyer on speed dial.

Sounds like you’ve got it all covered, NTFM! We’re rooting for you!

I am happy you are moving forward in life. However please do not give in to the negative thoughts that "you are too old" at 50. Because you just don’t know what line has in store for the next 30+ years.

Also please stop thinking your H cheated has ANYTHING to do with you. Yes you helped him and supported him and covered up for him. However you can see that many aspects of his life are a train wreck so to speak. His cheating was not done against you — it was a choice he made to make himself feel good.

I often say that cheaters don’t choose to cheat because their spouse or partner isn’t good enough - they choose to cheat despite their partners or spouse being good (or better than they deserved).

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:07 PM, Thursday, November 20th]

please stop thinking your H cheated has ANYTHING to do with you.

Not to worry, I don't think it has anything to do with me. I'm just bitter that he couldn't see how much I did for him.

I am happy you are moving forward in life. However please do not give in to the negative thoughts that "you are too old" at 50. Because you just don’t know what life has in store for the next 30+ years.

You know, after what life has given me the past 5 years, "what it has in store for you" sounds like a threat. Disabling chronic illness, cheating husband, kid having mental health crises, deterioration of my career...what's next?

I would like for life to calm down and leave me in peace for a while. First I have to get through the divorce and then college applications for the kid. The last thing I need or want is a romantic connection with someone (honestly, the idea terrifies me). My heart can't handle the stress, and I mean that literally. I wear a heart rate monitor, and excitement of any kind (good or bad) is not healthy for me. Because of my condition, I function at the level of an 80 year old, even if the calendar says I'm 50. Maybe one day I'll be in a better place physically and mentally to handle that kind of companionship, but right now, I am really enjoying my alone time.

NoThanks, I know you didn't mean to be humorous, just honest, but I LOL at your response about what life may have in store for you, next. Because I know exactly what you mean! After so many back-to-back crises we really can get that feeling of "learned helplessness" as Pavlov called it when he subjected dogs to electric shocks and found that at first the dogs would do anything to escape their crates, but after repeated shocks, the dogs would stop even trying to leave the crates although the doors were opened...the dogs concluded there was no escape from the pain possible. How sad to think we can get to that place!

I have a heart condition too that I know has been brought out by 23 years of co-existing with an adulterer who wouldn't leave. It is in some way like the experiment with the dogs...we make decisions we cannot un-make, like marrying and having children, and then we seem to have no options but suffer the consequences for somebody else's horrible actions.

My hope for you is that all these bad times will soon be in the rear view mirror. Everybody I have read here who got free of infidelity-contaminated relationships seems to find their lives much calmer.

We all live unexpected lives, don’t we.