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During wake hours, when I am in full cognizance, I am doing a skillful job at preventing myself from negative rumination. And the benefit of doing so is wonderous for my soul and my wife’s soul.

However, recently, when I’m entering or exiting the edges of sleep, where my will’s control is weakening, the hostilities of my inclination versus my diligent determination explode into hours of sleepless, wearisome, mental ruminations.

In the early stages of post D-day rumination was to be expected. I get that. I spent a hard decade, post disclosure, shadow boxing imaginations, real and unreal. Oddly, each blow seemed to injury only me and did nothing to eliminate the images that I was swing at. I knew I could not keep these images alive for it was squashing my spirit.

As the decade dragged into the 2nd and 3rd, I was rather successful at not ruminating. Nevertheless, after a recent health scare the old imaginations that once filled the void dug by the told and untold resurfaced. Which explains why I sought a place that maybe people would be willing to sit with me without judgement.

I’m deeply disappointed in this guy (Asterisk) for allowing me to fail at the vital task I had, so many years ago, successfully committed myself – full acceptance of the unacceptable.

I’m not sure we can ever fully accept it. I’ve learned to live with it, I’ve learned to manage the triggers, I‘ve accepted it happened, but I don’t think I will fully accept it.

[This message edited by Tanner at 9:44 PM, Tuesday, July 15th]

I accept what happened actually happened, but I don’t have to like it.

Part of my healing is fully, completely hating infidelity.

I will always hate what happened. It feels great to hate all of that imagery, to hate all of those old nightmares —- and to be at peace with that.

I love my life as it is now, because I am not defined by my worst moments, and certainly not defined by my wife’s worst choices.

Horrible stuff happens to humans all the time, we survive and can thrive from adversity or allow it to drag us down for all the rest of our days.

It doesn’t mean I don’t get haunted now and again, but I generally understand these days, my brain is checking up on me, making sure I am good.

I figure out most of my triggers as they land in my thoughts and understand the post-traumatic me still has some concerns. So, I address those concerns and avoid some of the longer loops re-visiting the past.

Be kind to yourself, no matter how long it takes you to get where you need to be.

I had a health scare last year, and weirdly, it has helped me focus on the present much better than before. Although, right around diagnosis day, a lot of negative thoughts kicked in from all over my history, infidelity pain flashbacks included. After that bit of being overwhelmed, I really do appreciate all of the adversity I have conquered along the way.

Asterisk,
When you say ACCEPTANCE what is the definition for you? It seems to be different for everyone so I feel like that is the starting point. Defining it.

As a side note: I read an article about the way the traumatized tend to take the mental images and make them even worse. I started wondering about that. I tried to separate what were actual memories of things I ACTUALLY SAW versus images I had constructed. A lot of the images were constructed as if I were a drone looking at something from the sidelines in the air. I could picture very vividly scenes of my husband and this OW as if I really saw them. But I didn’t. I started working on eliminating those, because after all they are not real. I tried forcing myself to think only of things I actually saw.

The article also talked about reimagining scenes. I started thinking I don’t ever need to worry (now that I’m ten years out) that I am going to forget (I’m never gonna forget) or minimize ( I actually maximize) and therefore I am safe to play with these images in my head in any way I want. I started reframing the scenes with my husband saying the things he should have said. Like "no you can’t kiss me, I’m married and I love my wife" and then pushing her away. When I picture the scene I picture all the associated senses (smell, sound, etc.). I found it lowered my blood pressure and gave me some peace. Yes, the images are the way our brains protect us from further harm but at this point, decades later whats the harm in totally rewriting them. For me it has taken away some of their power.

...after a recent health scare the old imaginations...

One trauma triggers the memories of old trauma(s). Been there and done that. Seems pretty common with betrayed spouses, at least from stories folks have shared here.

I wonder if your trip down memory lane was triggered by your health scare. Sometimes, we take measure of our lives and that inevitably drags up old shit we still haven't resolved. That doesn't change much, of course. You're working lingering issues. That's a good thing, brother. Keep digging.

...full acceptance of the unacceptable.

I never accepted infidelity, only that it happened. Big difference, I think.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:34 AM, Wednesday, July 16th]

Tanner
Oldwounds
Stillconfused2022
Unhinged

I want to thank each one of you for your insights and perspectives.

Please let me start by clearly stating, nothing about this situation that we have all been forced to navigate is okay. And it never should be accepted as "okay".

As Stillconfused2022 suggested I’ll try to explain, not Webster’s Dictionary meaning, rather my meaning.

For me, whether I agree with it, like it, hate it, or rail against it, doesn’t change the fact that it has happened. At some point, like it or not, fair or not, I believe that I have to accept all that comes with it. Accepting does not have to mean I can’t be angry about the injustice of it. But there does come a point where that justifiable anger hurts me (And the ones I love.) beyond the benefits anger’s original purpose supplied. I can, and should, allow myself, from time to time, to sit with the sorry, for it will always, at some level, cause me untold, undeserved pain. However, as true as that is, I feel I must accept the pain and more importantly guide the pain not allowing the pain to guide me.

The concept (Accepting the unacceptable) admits in its own description that the situation is unacceptable. It is only saying it has happened, it has had terrible consequences, my wife’s affair caused me extremely unfair pain, pain caused, like so many others here, by the most important, trusted person in my life. And, to make matters worse, I will never fully know the entire truth, nor will I ever understand the why of it. I don’t like the betrayal, I don’t agree with my wife’s despicable choice in having her affair, but, for me at least, once I quit trying to push it away, I was able to learn from it. Be a better, more empathetic, humbler man because of it.

Do I wish the affair never happened? Of course. Acceptance, in this use of the word, is not agreement, only recognizing that infidelity is now part of my life. A sad beginning of a chapter, where the opening verses were not written by me. Though I wasn’t the creator of this chapter I recognize that this part of my life’s story is not fully written yet. Understanding this gives me a powerful choice. Do I take control of the pen and write the conclusion I desire or do I allow it to be written by someone else, someone who betrayed me.

Ultimately it is an attempt, feeble as it may be, to take back the power that the betrayal stole from me.

What we resist persists.

As unhinged said, new trauma will often bring up old trauma. I understand the concept of conquering rumination’s s this is a struggle I have worked in for most of my adult life. However, acceptance doesn’t mean you will never feel sad or revisit this occasionally. Sometimes I try and reframe it as my body releasing things it had been holding onto.

So my advice is not to admonish yourself for having what you are framing as relapse. Instead give yourself grace and compassion and acknowledge the pain you feel in the health scare reminds you of pain you felt back when. Be gentle with yourself. Take some deep cleansing breaths and be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to center yourself in your heart rather than your mind. (There re great you tube videos that do a guided meditation around this). Then after a few moments practice gratitude. Think of simple things you are thankful for and really take a moment to appreciate them and how they make you feel.

If it persists, you may also want to look into EMDR therapy which helps you work through releasing trauma. I have not done that, I have tried tapping techniques, I did not find that helpful, but some people do.

Having compassion and grace for yourself, and practicing having the capacity for that for you will allow you to expand the well of that you have for others.

Lastly- the way I have dealt with rumination has been to recognize that it’s misused creativity. Finding new outlets for creativity through hobbies helped. Also the book The Power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle taught me mindfulness. It’s a big woo woo but in all reality you probably do some of the things he describes already by the way you describe your battles with rumination. It just puts a language to it that helps deepen your understanding of it.

Thank you hikingout, for your advice and perspectives.

The arguments concerning acceptance and rumination are newer concepts to me that were suggested by my last therapist. I spent time, 1st mentally arguing against the idea, then recognizing the value in them and am now in the early stages of trying to incorporate the depth and breadth of this new thinking into my everyday existing. Thanks for the reminder.

Where I do run afoul is the notion that one live only in the current. That there is little to no value in the past and a waste of energy worrying about the future. That is where things get "a bit too woo woo for me".

I believe strongly in self-analyzing one’s past, one’s actions, one’s reactions, then what one might be prone to do or repeat in the future so as to encourage what was helpful and discourage what was not. To me, in doing that, that is what provides hope and meaning to what is to come.

I sure do not know the best, most effective way through the issues that arise due to infidelity. What I do know, there are many ways but the one common factor, there is no easy, quick way. It is a slog.

Asterisk

Be a better, more empathetic, humbler man because of it.

Maybe I'm unfair about my own point of view, but I never give the affair a credit or because or whatever.

It may have been a catalyst to encourage those changes, but every single one of those changes was possible without the A. So the A gets no credit. It was not the reactant nor the reagent.

Anyway. My two cents on rumination is simply this: It has passed so you can't change it. You did the best you could at the time and don't get a second shot. You have learned from the mistakes. If it happens again you know how you'll act this time.

That is usually enough to stop a spiral for me.

This0is0fine

Maybe I’m unfair about my own point of view, but I never give the affair a credit or because or whatever.

Fair enough.

I don’t think any of this is about being "unfair" rather it is how each of us, in our independent way, chose to process what happened, what to do about what happened, and who we are going to be now that it has happened.

I’m not attempting to submit that the changes made were a good and natural consequence of the affair, somehow giving my wife kudos for lying and cheating. What I was attempting to convey in the above post is how I chose to rise out of the ashes. I could have just as easily chosen the path of hatred and bitterness.

My wife’s infidelity caused me to take stock on every aspect of my life, her life and our collective life. Every value I held dear, every belief I thought true was reconsidered. Some kept, some dropped, some altered, some, 32 years later, still under review, but none were left unexamined.

Could all of my changes occur without the affair. Of course, and no question that would have been a better way for change to happen. But, the affair did happen, and it was a motivator for me to do and be something new. Some might think I am now a worse person, some might think a better person. People who know me well or not, will be their own judge of me, however, either way I am not the same person, nor do I want to be the person I was pre D-day.

I believe strongly in self-analyzing one’s past, one’s actions, one’s reactions, then what one might be prone to do or repeat in the future so as to encourage what was helpful and discourage what was not. To me, in doing that, that is what provides hope and meaning to what is to come.

I believe that too.

But at some point there is nothing more to learn. You have to implement the changes and be self aware but that only happens in the present. At some point the vigilance and rumination holds one back from growth. And to change the course of it, you have to be present as much as possible as a way of changing the channel and moving forward.

Clinging to the past once the lessons are already learned is a way I was trying to give myself safety that was not truly safety. Finding yourself in the present moment and remind yourself you are safe in your body is the way forward from that so new creativity can replace the stagnant energy.

I am a bit woo woo, but I have been able to move away from rumination. And as new things occur in my life I am an able to let go of things much sooner. Being mindful and grateful are effective ways to rejuvenate your mind and allow new beautiful pathways to form.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:04 PM, Thursday, July 17th]

I think we almost exactly agree and my argument may be purely semantic.

There is just a big difference between being motivated by the finish line and being motivated by being chased down by a pack of wolves.

But there does come a point where that justifiable anger hurts me (And the ones I love.) beyond the benefits anger’s original purpose supplied. I can, and should, allow myself, from time to time, to sit with the sorry, for it will always, at some level, cause me untold, undeserved pain. However, as true as that is, I feel I must accept the pain and more importantly guide the pain not allowing the pain to guide me.

Maybe I should clarify — when I say I hate what happened, that I am good with hating the A — I am not living in anger, justified or not.

It is much more of my own reminder that I can love the person who hurt me, and not be defined by what happened.

Ultimately it is an attempt, feeble as it may be, to take back the power that the betrayal stole from me.

What power do you consider was lost?

Looking back on my decade of healing, my own inventory includes time stolen from me to be spent with another person. A sense of reality was lost, because I thought my M was doing okay instead of including another person. A sense of innocence, and the us against the world — a shared vulnerability was definitely a huge loss. The first two on my list caused a lot of pain, but the third was what I mourned the longest.

My personal sense of self, who I am, what I believe in, my honor all remain intact. I found internal strength I didn’t know I had.

I agree that we’re forever changed, I just find that I am happy with the things I changed moving forward.

I never hold my feelings back from the world, much less my wife. That’s a change I love. No more masks, or playing games, I get to be me, all me, 24/7.

To the other points in the thread, I suppose I would have preferred that change happened sans infidelity, but when your marriage is burned down to the foundation, it is as good a time as any to build back to what you want from life.

Thus, thinking back to the past, it sure can be good to map out what went wrong, where I could have been better or done better, but at a certain point, I let the past be where it is.

And now all of my ruminating leads back to one thing — my life is far better now than ever before.

My M is full of scars, full of the entire range of emotions, but we wake up each day now, choosing each other, choosing to be kind to each other and are focused on what we can do to add joy whenever possible. The M should have always been this way, and I know neither of us considered we would have to overcome the unique adversity of infidelity, yet, here we are.

An occasional haunted moment isn’t all bad either, it reminds me how far I have come.

Your day to day thoughts, your M eventually do become what you aim for, what you choose to focus on more. It is a logic thing for me, not any kind of shell game or burying anything.

That power to choose your focus I think is key. At least it is for me.