SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm unable to see it any other way. Cheater getting reconciliation smells like a victory. They got to
have their fun and still kept their relationship. They got away with it. Betrayed partner never gets
justice, since only God can right the wrongs. Hypothetically, even if BS steps out on their "remorseful" WW,
relationship was already crapped on by the cheater, so what's the point.

Sounds like you have some feelings you need to work out. Why don’t you share your story with us?

Best response I’ve got to this is the parable of the prodigal son. Read it and decide for yourself. The way I see it, yes, the wayward wins, but only if they can walk the path of humility. But the betrayed can win, too, having a loved one restored to them as if from the dead. This is not a zero sum game.

There are a lot of ways R can deviate from the narrow path needed for this kind of win-win. But I believe it is possible. People here say it is so, and I believe them.

I'm unable to see it any other way. Cheater getting reconciliation smells like a victory.

If you really want the WS to suffer, then "reconcile", by that I mean stay married, and then treat them like shit for the next 40 years. Create a house of woe filled with guilt, shame, retribution, score settling, and general misery. Then you can win whatever competition it is that you are referring to.

What competition is that?

I'm with BluerThanBlue. I'll add:

If you want justice, end the relationship. Most BSes are free to do that.

I see no way to 'right the wrongs'. D doesn't do it. R doesn't do it. Even if some power can create an alternate world in which the BS is not betrayed, there's no getting away from the fact that the BS was betrayed in this world. A BS has to accept that their loved one betrayed them.

The WS always gets away with cheating - and always bears the consequences.

What competition is that?

Amen

I reconciled for the sake of our 2 month old baby. I have bad separation anxiety and couldn't bare to be away from him. I completely get this though. It feels like he's had his cake and has eaten it. I'd have run a mile if I hadn't of had my son. It feels like it's destroyed me and he's still living his best life, I feel a lot of hate for him everyday.

I'm assuming that you are still in the early part of your journey. I felt very much like you do early on in the process. I wanted something to balance the scale so I could feel like there was justice, and if I couldn't feel healing then I wanted my WW to feel even worse pain then I did. I think this is just a natural stage we must pass through on our way yo a better place.

My journey involved ending my marriage. Simply put, my WW extinguished those very characteristics in her that made her attractive to me. What remained was not enough to repair the damage. In fact, she wasn't interested I doing the work. She just wanted things to go back to normal, or at least better.

My real healing journey began about 1.5 years after Dday2. It was then that I got my own space and I could start doing thecwork of processing. I'm about 7+ years on now and I'd say I am largely healed, whatever that means. The memory of the affair and cheating doesn't bring within pain, only annoyance. I see utvas one even among many that has shaped my narrative. I guess you can say I found peace.

I can't speak to those BS's who choose to remain with their WS, so I hope others come along and give you beter advice. All I can say is how you feel now is not how you will always feel. You will heal , albeit it is not a linear journey. I hope for good things for you.

I get this. My WH got to go on a transformative journey since DDay and became a much happier person. All at my expense. He's the type that thinks cheating brought us closer together--more like stopping cheating brought us closer together.

You can't get justice with infidelity. And the BS loses either way. If you R, they got it all consequence-free. If you D, you lose half your time with your children, your house, your lifestyle, etc.

It's something I struggle with too.

I get why it might feel that way, like the cheater got to have their fun and still keep the relationship (sometimes I still feel this way), but I don’t think reconciliation is some kind of win for a WS. It’s not a prize for them. If it’s real … that means it’s hard, humbling, and both people have to actually want it and be willing to work for it.

The cheater doesn’t just "get away with it." If anything, they have to wake up every day and face what they did … the damage, the loss of trust, the constant and consistent work to rebuild the relationship. None of that feels or seems like it would constitute a win. As for the BS, we are the ones holding the power to decide if there’s even anything left worth rebuilding.

I agree with you in the sense that there’s no justice and nothing can ever undo the betrayal. But genuine reconciliation efforts aren’t about rewarding bad behaviour. It’s about whether both people can face the damage caused and still choose to fight for something better.

I’m not so sure about that.

I’d hate to be a cheater. I’d hate to wake up every morning and look in to the eyes of my spouse and know I destroyed them for? Nothing!. I’d hate to look in the mirror and see myself for who I really am, a coward, weak, immature and stupid. I’d hate to look at my children and realise that I completely took out and floored the person who they relied on 100% for emotional support. I’d hate to see the person who I love, crying and begging me every day to make the pain go away, knowing that I was the one who caused it.
I’d hate to live with the knowledge that my spouse owes me no loyalty and live with the fear that they could walk any time they want to.
I’d hate that the person that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with will never trust me 100%, because I’m a cheater, I won, I get my trophy, now let’s raise a glass and toast to the winner.

I’ll bet that champagne tastes like piss.

Agree with these responses. Great perspectives.

Cheater getting R feels like a victory to you. They got away with it. Well, I am newly divorced from my cheating ex husband, who walked away free of me and the marriage, with a ton of money plus spousal support, a nice new house, our summer home, a new dog, and a new girlfriend. Some would say he got away with it, too.

Point being, there is way to right the wrong, as another poster said. The betrayal happened, and our partners showed us what were capable of in that moment. Nothing - not R, not D - can make that go away. The unfairness of that thought can be crushing, and I wrestle with it regularly. Someone just recommended the book The Tools to me, as it's about helping people move forward despite life's unfairness. Haven't read it yet, but it sounds like a useful premise for many of us on SI.

I like InkHulk’s comparison to the parable of the prodigal son.

Only problem is, I never understood it. If I was the brother that kept my nose to the grindstone, I’d be pissed at my brother, and pissed at my father, too.