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Another outburst this AM and I'm struggling to find the line between needing to apologize to my WW or just let it ride. It revolves around intimacy. As we discussed her thoughts on what drove her to do what she did (she's doing most of the right things except maybe being a little more self-aware during tougher/delicate conversations....I'll get to that), some of it had to do with our ability to find time for intimacy. 4 young kids all in activities, me traveling at the time about 50% and us setting a really bad habit of the kids treating our bedroom like their own personal living room did not set us up well during that part of our life. I recognize that and we both understand it doesn't absolve her from any of this but I think it's important to understand how you end up where you are if you have any chance of reconciliation. We're now 13 years post Dday1 and 3 years post Dday 2. Same event just trickle truthed to find out the 13 year old event was more than originally let on (physical). I'm not good at writing this stuff but basically she's heading out for a weekend with her sisters. We're at point where trust is rebuilt enough to handle a weekend away but prior to leaving this morning she mentioned sex but of course it's as my son is getting ready to leave and there is zero chance it's going to happen without some awkwardness. I clearly get very negative body language and a "guess it ain't happening"....see my above comment about being self-aware. I can feel my blood start boiling as I think about how easy it must have been for them to find time with no kids around during the day when they'd meet up for a "quickie"....I'm still not sure how they found time but they did. I basically tell her she can be disappointed but it must have been so easy in an empty house with no kids when it was with him and then sped off to work. The look on her face was...OUCH. She's leaving for three days and now I'm sitting here at work wondering if I need to apologize. Now mind you, if you've been dealing with this for a while now, you know it can basically result in the equivalent of PTSD so controlling these outbursts is a learned skill I guess but how the hell do you learn to manage this? Sometimes it's so irrational (was it in this case??). We've made some really good progress. I think I have most of the truth (I don't think you ever get 100%, especially in my case with 13 year old events). I have access to phone, location but rarely check anymore. We make time for 1/1 time as much as possible but this comment just really hit a trigger and I'm wondering when you all feel like a response like mine crosses a line. I've restarted therapy because of the triggers still being there and of course this happens this AM. I feel bad but, if I'm being 100% honest here, I felt I had to unload that. Other than my therapist I have no one I can talk to since no friends or family are aware (conscious decision by us but of course always toughest on the BS). I'm just really pissed at myself for not finding coping mechanisms for this when it happens. Most normal human beings do not enjoy all of this negative energy and it just comes from no where when an event like this triggers me. Now it'll be 3 days of us tiptoeing around each other and then the positive cycle will hopefully start over until another trigger hits. I know she's sitting home right now packing for her trip but doing it with tears instead of excitement. She did an awful, awful thing but at what point do the "netflix roast" type comments stop (my go to reaction have been some real zingers). When things are going well, I'm excited for the new future. When this happens, man it wears you out...

In those types of situations we have learned that me being open about how I was feeling unburdened me and forces him to sit in it with me. For example, (using your scenario) I may have said "this situation is very triggering to me as I think about how easy it must’ve have been for you and her when you two had no other responsibilities or children around". In the beginning my husband didn’t always react perfectly to these discussions , but he learned to deal with it. Rules were made and mostly followed along the way. In the beginning I may have used the phrase "your whore" rather than "her" and he didn’t like that not because he was protecting her , but because it was a constant reminder of the cruelest thing he ever did to anyone and being reminded of his terrible choices weren’t helping him escape his shame and make change. It must have been a word thing because he was happy as long as I changed it to "the whore" rather than "his Whore". Like he said, she isn’t my Whore anymore. 😂🤦‍♀️🙄anyways, my point is talking to your wife and developing a plan where you can release the energy and she share it with you may help.

I know she's sitting home right now packing for her trip but doing it with tears instead of excitement. She did an awful, awful thing but at what point do the "netflix roast" type comments stop (my go to reaction have been some real zingers).

It's good that you empathize with her, but don't feel the need to suppress your own very real emotions to avoid rocking the boat. Don't ignore your own pain. Four years may sound like a long time, but you get to heal at your own pace.
One way that you can address the painful feelings is to rethink how you approach her. Don't "zing" her, but be honest. If it hurts, it hurts. While it may hurt her as well, at least give her a chance to help you process it. I suspect she's eager to be there for you.

Stay strong.

I think it is very hard not to say things "in the moment" sometimes.

I don’t actually have an answer except to say it’s to be expected or normal to have those random thoughts. I had some serious explosive anger issues (which I never had prior to his MLC affair) but they were typically months or years apart.

Some things that worked for me:

Walking out of the room before I exploded (if possible)
Saying the most sarcastic things in my mind (rather than out loud)
Recognizing the anger was doing more harm to me than anyone (which helped me stop it)

Professional counseling definitely helped me.

What you are doing is the verbal equivalent of ripping a nasty fart and then leaving your wife to deal with the lingering stench after you've fled the scene.

Maybe she deserves it, but since you've made the decision to stay with her-- 13 years after Dday 1 and 3 years after Dday 2-- I don't think it's right or fair to use her affair to take pot shots at her whenever you're dissatisfied with her. Even the most sincere and remorseful of spouses is eventually going to resentful by that behavior at a certain point.

So here's the questions you need to ask yourself:

-If it weren't for the infidelity, would you be happy with the quality and quantity of the intimacy that you're having?

-Do you feel like your wife is actually making time to be intimate with you to the best of her ability and putting in a good faith effort when she can?

If the answer to these questions is "yes," then you don't have an intimacy problem with your wife; you have a "maybe-I-just-can't-get-over-this" problem. That's something you'll need to figure out on your own.

But if the answer to either question is no, then that's something you need to discuss with her... without using the affair as a bludgeon. Because if your goal to have "intimacy"-- not just obligatory duty sex-- jabbing her with zingers is not how you get there.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:59 PM, Thursday, May 15th]