Still anger after 4 years post Dday

Another outburst this AM and I'm struggling to find the line between needing to apologize to my WW or just let it ride. It revolves around intimacy. As we discussed her thoughts on what drove her to do what she did (she's doing most of the right things except maybe being a little more self-aware during tougher/delicate conversations....I'll get to that), some of it had to do with our ability to find time for intimacy. 4 young kids all in activities, me traveling at the time about 50% and us setting a really bad habit of the kids treating our bedroom like their own personal living room did not set us up well during that part of our life. I recognize that and we both understand it doesn't absolve her from any of this but I think it's important to understand how you end up where you are if you have any chance of reconciliation. We're now 13 years post Dday1 and 3 years post Dday 2. Same event just trickle truthed to find out the 13 year old event was more than originally let on (physical). I'm not good at writing this stuff but basically she's heading out for a weekend with her sisters. We're at point where trust is rebuilt enough to handle a weekend away but prior to leaving this morning she mentioned sex but of course it's as my son is getting ready to leave and there is zero chance it's going to happen without some awkwardness. I clearly get very negative body language and a "guess it ain't happening"....see my above comment about being self-aware. I can feel my blood start boiling as I think about how easy it must have been for them to find time with no kids around during the day when they'd meet up for a "quickie"....I'm still not sure how they found time but they did. I basically tell her she can be disappointed but it must have been so easy in an empty house with no kids when it was with him and then sped off to work. The look on her face was...OUCH. She's leaving for three days and now I'm sitting here at work wondering if I need to apologize. Now mind you, if you've been dealing with this for a while now, you know it can basically result in the equivalent of PTSD so controlling these outbursts is a learned skill I guess but how the hell do you learn to manage this? Sometimes it's so irrational (was it in this case??). We've made some really good progress. I think I have most of the truth (I don't think you ever get 100%, especially in my case with 13 year old events). I have access to phone, location but rarely check anymore. We make time for 1/1 time as much as possible but this comment just really hit a trigger and I'm wondering when you all feel like a response like mine crosses a line. I've restarted therapy because of the triggers still being there and of course this happens this AM. I feel bad but, if I'm being 100% honest here, I felt I had to unload that. Other than my therapist I have no one I can talk to since no friends or family are aware (conscious decision by us but of course always toughest on the BS). I'm just really pissed at myself for not finding coping mechanisms for this when it happens. Most normal human beings do not enjoy all of this negative energy and it just comes from no where when an event like this triggers me. Now it'll be 3 days of us tiptoeing around each other and then the positive cycle will hopefully start over until another trigger hits. I know she's sitting home right now packing for her trip but doing it with tears instead of excitement. She did an awful, awful thing but at what point do the "netflix roast" type comments stop (my go to reaction have been some real zingers). When things are going well, I'm excited for the new future. When this happens, man it wears you out...

4 comments posted: Thursday, May 15th, 2025

Contacting AP/Triggers

Two topics: First seems to be a fairly controversial topic and divided a lot by motivation. My story since I'm new: 13 years ago I discovered cards in my house from her AP basically professing his love, etc (one of them was a valentine's day card...this will be important later...I discovered these cards in December...also important). I confronted her and was told it was a one time kiss and, probably because I was in denial, shock and it was Xmas time (we have 4 kids, all at home at the time) I accepted that but always had this gnawing feeling it was more. I kept the cards. Fast forward to about 3 years ago and I oddly looked at the cards with the plan to finally throw them away. I have no idea how I never connected the dots but when I connected the timeline I realized the Valentine's Day card had to have been given 10 months prior to me finding the card (found them in Dec, Valentine's Day in Feb....as I mentioned, important to the story). At this point I found it VERY HARD to believe it was just a kiss. After 13 years, I caught her off guard and just blurted out "Did you have sex with him?". Caught her completely off-guard and the facial expression said it all. It was multiple times over the course of at least 10 months. Now I was traveling a lot for work and the lack of time together was the reason. Not excuse as she's owned this 100% and done ALL of the right things, thus the attempt at recover. However, I desperately want to contact the AP. I'm self-aware enough to know some of this is vengeful. The risk is a concern as well. No one knows anything about this: kids, friends, other family...no one. In the age of social media, there's a concern he would just "burn the village" and go public. After DDay 1 (kiss) he sent a serial killer type note to my work trying to make it seem like it was from friends claiming they all knew (real head case it turns out). Took me a minute to realize it was him. Shortly after Dday, he called me and I just left the line silent. He clearly wanted to bait me into a conversation and I refused. There's been nothing since. By all accounts, he's happily married now two towns over and miraculously we've never run into each other but we all know that will come eventually. What are folks thoughts on contacting AP's

Second thing is triggered feelings. It's been 4 years and I still get paralyzing waves of emotion. My wife to her credit always asks what wrong and I hate resorting to "nothing" as my response but what do I do tell her?: It's your affair. That's just another chunk of hours of tears that really adds no value to our recovery efforts. This stuff has hit me multiple times over the last two weeks. I've become completely unproductive at work, depressed at home. I fake my way through days as best I can. I re-started therapy (did some sessions two years ago). We've never done couples therapy so would appreciate feedback on that but I think we're past the truth telling part (at least what I want to know) so is that going to help with my triggered thoughts or is individual therapy better? I've written down all my triggers for here which I think was eye opening for her: Our "song" is meaningless now (that stung for her but I'm sorry...not my problem), I threw out my wedding ring...it's at the bottom of a lake if someone wants it (again to her credit, she set up appt with this cool jewelry place to make our own new ones, anyone with his name, any TV show with infidelity in the plot, the restaurant where I know they hung out, business where he works (pretty well known), I hear the word "cheat" and I cringe...doesn't matter the context.

I appreciate all of you and I'm not a religious guy but I think about all of us that are going through this. We didn't ask for it but we have to fight through it. I know it's not a terminal illness or anything close to it but god there are days where it feels so overwhelming.

5 comments posted: Thursday, May 1st, 2025