SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Throughout my marriage, I've had periodic dreams that women have approached me, made themselves available for sex, hit on me, flirted with me, etc. Over 22+ years of marriage, I've had these dreams maybe 20 times. And they always make me feel great, because every time my subconscious self does the right thing. I tell them I'm married, I'm not interested, I'm not available. I protect the marriage.

And yeah, I'm attracted to other women. Always have been, marriage didn't stop that. But I've always been happy to be with my wife, and whether it was in a dream or the few times it's happened in real life, I've always done the right thing.

Last night, I had another one of these dreams. Which is amazing to me because my marriage is just about dead. It's really getting bad, and I just don't know how much longer this can go on before one of us pulls the plug on it.

But I have this dream, while I'm working on the 2nd month of sleeping alone in my office because my bedroom is just full of PTSD triggers, and again I do the right thing. Never even crossed my mind in the dream to do anything but protect the marriage.

And I wake up and I'm really excited about it. I mean I just feel great! Like yeah, I really love my wife still! It's confirmation for me in a world where I get very little good news and very little feedback from my WW. And somehow, some way, here I am in the darkness knowing that I still love her, and I'll still do everything to protect the marriage.

So, I spend the first hour of my day writing up a story about this dream, and I text it to her. I explain that it's "deeply meaningful to me", and it "makes me feel good" to know that even as challenging as things are for us right now, even subconsciously I have integrity and respect and love for the fragile marriage that we're both clinging to.

And about an hour later she replies to the text with, "Interesting. Thanks for sharing."

It was like someone kicked me in the balls and then stood over me and laughed. This is going to be great weekend!

Ouch. I am sorry.

You handed her such an opportunity and she didn’t do anything with it. There are so many things that she could have said back. It’s unfortunate she can’t see you with the appreciation you deserve.

If I were you I would plan this weekend for yourself. Take a short trip, or go see friends or family, or spend it on your hobbies or interests.

Wow that was like the most uninteresting comment to you and insensitive. I agree with HO plan a weekend getaway for yourself! Away from her let her deal with all YOUR responsibilities while you're gone. Sheesh!

Well, I admire you. I think the depth of your love and faithfulness, extending into your dream world, in alignment with your painful actions in real life, shows a good and honorable man. She’s lucky to have you and will be a fool if she keeps this up and loses you.

I am so sorry. A response like that would feel devastating to me, and I think I’d have a hard time not feeling completely enraged or broken or both. I don’t know where she’s coming from, but you gave her an opportunity, and she blew it.

Completely separately though, I think those dreams say more about your character than anything else. They’re show that when you commit, you commit, and you hold fast to your values regardless of circumstances. Know your worth. Lean into it. If and when you and your wife go your separate ways, you have a lot to offer. Don’t sell yourself short.

…I have integrity and respect and love for the fragile marriage that we're both clinging to

If think it should be pretty clear to you now that only one of you is clinging to this marriage.

Scruples are a virtue. I'd imagine your WW didn't miss the point of your story, even if belied subconsciously.

...I'll still do everything to protect the marriage.

You can't control your marriage. That is, you can't control your wife. You can, however, control yourself.

Your WW's reply didn't surprise me, although I do not doubt how much it hurt. Navigating the shit storm is incredibly difficult, especially when it comes to perspective. You reminded your WW that she lacks the scruples that you value, even in your sleep. I wonder how much of that hour she spent trying to come up with a response, whether it triggered a bit of introspection and reflection, or if it simply passed her off. I'll bet asking her would be worth the trouble, for better or worse.

@hikingout and @crazyblindsided

I don't have any friends and my family situation (like most people's) is complicated.

I did start to play a video game for the first time in six months. I only started to play it recently when my wife is not in the house, for short periods of time. Or like tonight when I know I can't sleep anyway so I figured it was a good excuse to zone out for a bit. I told her about it, and ya know what's really funny is that I was not playing for 6 months, and she actually had the nerve to get frustrated with that. She said, "You should start playing so I know what's it's going to be like when you are playing games again." As if 6 straight months of not playing and making her my entire universe even though she'd cheated on me, wasn't enough to show my level of commitment. :/

Anyway, that's about as close as I can get to doing something for myself right now. There's just too much responsibility with the kids and trying to manage my relationship with my wife, and then just being an adult in general.

@Inkhulk
I thought about you today when I was out driving. I remember you saying something months ago like you would honestly like to be my friend in real life. I could really use one of those right now, but internet people are internet people. :) Still, it was a nice gesture that I genuinely appreciated. Thanks, man.

@Grieving

Thank you. I do know my worth, and that's (I think) one of the reasons I know deep down that whatever happens I'll be able to bounce back eventually because I can always look in the mirror and be satisfied that I did the best I could do at the time. I'm far from perfect, and that's ok. I've already grown from this, and like others have said, I can't control what my WW does, I can only control what I do. Still hurts though.

@BluerThanBlue

Yep. I get it. Here's how I feel about the whole thing. Sometimes I see her as a scared little girl that just never learned how to deal with her own emotions and the vulnerability that comes with loving someone that maybe you don't think you truly deserve, or I think in her case, she thinks is supposed to solve all her problems and keep her safe from all the shit she works so hard not to fix. In short, she's not very mature when it comes to her feelings and making mistakes. She's really ultra defensive and essentially makes everything my fault, twisting the words around, saying things that actually never happened, and "remembering" key details of every situation that become the "reasons" it's ok to do whatever she did.

I also see myself as a scared little boy sometimes. Equally trying to escape from my own issues that have been with me since childhood. And some of these issues, and coping mechanisms, are exactly what fuels her ability to stay hidden and reduce exposure to her own feelings, just as some of her coping mechanisms (like people pleasing) historically enabled my bad behavior. The end result being an infinite loop of toxic codependency. The problem now is that I'm the only one that seems to really be capable of dealing with that AND coming out on the other side still firmly committed to the marriage and to her.

@Unhinged

After I got her reply, I eventually texted her back and doubled down on being vulnerable with her. It took her awhile to respond to that too, but eventually she told me that she was sorry, that wasn't her intention, and "the dream certainly brought up different feelings for me than it did you." That's the best I could get out of her. I mean, you can really take that a number of ways. Here, I'll show you:

1. Oh wow, she must have really beaten herself up over the affair and thought "How could I have done that to him, he's so noble and true to our marriage!"
2. Well since she's still cheating on this dumb moron and literally getting pounded by her AP as I texted him, she probably just hit the auto AI answer and called it day.
3. She read the story about the dream and couldn't stop focusing on the fact that he said he was attracted to other women.

I mean, who knows what that means?! She just doesn't expand on anything, ever. She can't share her emotions with me. I honestly can't remember if it's always been this way with her through the entire marriage or if this is new ground we're walking on. But what I do know is that her communication skills when it comes to anything affair, sex, or emotionally related, SUUUUUUCKS.

You will not be the first or the last BH to think his WW is a "scared little" girl who is just afraid of her own shadow and thinks that if you just show her how much you’re willing to suffer for her, she’ll finally feel "safe" enough to be a decent parter.

You will eventually learn— through hundreds of little moments like this— that the more you keep throwing yourself at her feet, the more she’ll treat you as if you’re something gross stuck on the bottom of her shoe.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:00 PM, Saturday, April 12th]

You will not be the first or the last BH to think his WW is a "scared little" girl who is just afraid of her own shadow… and if you just show her how much you’re willing to suffer for her, she’ll finally feel "safe" enough to be a decent parter.

And as long as you keep doing that, the longer she’ll keep treating you as if you’re something gross stuck on the bottom of her shoe.

I understand. But how is it any better for me to "make her love me" using some kind of manipulation, be it through "strength" or whatever else you want to call it? If my goal is to have a partner that can do it on their own without my "help", which it most certainly is my goal, then what are we talking about? I don't want her to only be a good partner because I did the 180. I want her to be a good partner because she's a good partner. If she can't do that, if she's always going to be a scared little girl, either because she's scared of our own feelings or alternatively, she's scared of me leaving her, then what's the point?

That's my problem with the 180, I shouldn't have to do that for someone. I shouldn't have to manage them like a child. Yes, I risk being hurt more, and that's probably what's going to happen, but at least I won't have to babysit my own wife for the rest of our lives.

My reco:

Do not do the 180 with a goal of winning your WS back with reverse psychology. Do it as a way of finding and strengthening your self and your strengths. Do it as a way of detaching enough so that you read reality correctly.

D – Don’t

E – Even

T – Think

A – About

C – Changing

H – Her.

*****

Gently, SMS may be good for setting up a real discussion. It may be good for a quick 'I love you' or 'Fuck off'.

It's really lousy for communicating anything complex.

Your dream is loving. It's important. It says a lot about you. Your W's response in a discussion can be very informative, and I can see talking with her about it. The worst you'll fond out is that you still love her, but she doesn't love you.

I don't think you can conclude much about your SMS exchange other than that it was a case of miscommunication.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:58 PM, Saturday, April 12th]

Hey OP. I quickly scanned your posts and your WW really reminds me of mine... difficult with emotions, especially expressing empathy, not communicating effectively, saying incredibly insensitive things, making everything about her, yadda, yadda, yadda...

After detaching and detoxing, I'm convinced my WW is on the spectrum. This combined with her ADD pronounces like covert narcissistic behaviour.

Have you considered any personality or mental health factors?

Edit to add: I think your dream says more about you than your feelings toward your WW. You love and respect yourself. Her, maybe not so much.

I have the luxury of looking back on my relationship years after it ended and have come to the conclusion that I love the idea of marriage more than the actual one I was in.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 5:37 PM, Saturday, April 12th]

4characters, I’m not telling you to do anything to scare, coerce, or manipulate her. In fact, if there’s one thing you should take away from my advice, it’s that the only person you have the ability to change is yourself.

If you keep up your current approach to "reconciliation"—which is to appease and enable her— the good news is that she probably won’t divorce you (at least not in the near future).

The bad news is that you will continue to suffer in a completely one-sided relationship that will physically, mentally, and emotionally destroy you. You will be like a gambling addict who depletes his life savings coin by coin, hoping against hope that the next pull of the lever will be the jackpot.

If that above description is still less grim to you than the challenges of divorce, then you can at least stop rolling over for her, showing her your belly, and then being shocked and hurt each time she kicks you in the gut.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:40 PM, Saturday, April 12th]

I thought about you today when I was out driving. I remember you saying something months ago like you would honestly like to be my friend in real life. I could really use one of those right now, but internet people are internet people. :) Still, it was a nice gesture that I genuinely appreciated. Thanks, man.

Yeah, internet people are indeed internet people, but I do feel like I’ve meaningfully gotten to know some people here.

I saw in your other thread in D/S your description of how much time and energy you are investing into your wife. I would strongly recommend you take that effort and invest it in making some non-internet friends. The ROI is guaranteed to be significantly better.

4c,

I was exactly where you are.

I wasn’t going to police my wife, hire a PI, search her phone, etc. To hell with all that.

She could pick me, or she could pick him. I’d deal with either. I’m not sure he was ever a possibility for her; he was married with a young son. Maybe she found out she couldn’t pick him the hard way; I don’t know.

But here’s what I want to say.

I thought she had two options; me or him.

There was a third option I never considered.

She didn’t pick him, and she didn’t pick me.

She picked our marriage.

Listen carefully: she didn’t pick me, she picked our marriage. For whatever reason. That is way not the same as picking me.

Don’t let this happen to you.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 12:55 AM, Sunday, April 13th]