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Bruce, we are going through this at the same time. It's so hard isn't it. I've told a few people in real life but most people just seem to think it's easy to leave. I only have one friend who I text who is understanding of my reasons to stay.
Have you told your children?

Evio, no we have not told the kids nor does anyone else know it’s just us.
So hard and the bad days are horrible.
I don’t really have much family and if I told them all hell would break loose, I could not tell the kids sometimes it’s the only reason that stops me from walking I couldn’t bear to see their faces.
I love my husband and my kids but this is hard

I think it's going to be hard even if we walk tbh. Maybe if we had stopped loving them it wouldn't but we clearly both love our husbands so have to go through this pain either way unfortunately.

My children know because I collapsed and cried in front of them when I got home from work on D day, I wish I hadn't but it was like a physical response.

Our families haven't been the most helpful, my husbands family have rug swept and my parents have continued to worry more about themselves.

Writing to someone who is going through the same thing as me really helped though x

Absolutely it does help massively to know you are not alone.
I think to myself I can’t let what happened destroy everything but then I can’t handle the pain.
I’m hoping this four letter word Time helps us Evio we’ve got to keep pushing I guess.
I’ve been keeping an eye out for you every day I’m glad I saw your post today and you’re ok.

I feel the same, I feel I can't throw 20 years of live away for a 2 year fling (with someone he would never choose to be with). But at the same time I feel like it was all a lie and the man I live doesn't exist and I'm married to a stranger. I can't comprehend how he could risk his wife and kids for a cheap thrill...I feel like it would almost be better if he fell in love with someone else, at least then it would be 'worth it'.
I also feel I have to pay the price for HIS crime forever, I'll always be changed by this and it's so bloody unfair. I want him to experience the pain and betrayal I have. I hate him and I love him at the same time.
Most of the time I'm committed to staying but other times I just feel the pain, betrayal and anger are too much and I want out but then the thought of him moving on with his life with someone else destroys me.

I could have wrote these exact words myself, we seem to be on the same rollercoaster Evio.

I’ve already forgiven his earlier mistakes but the A from 3 years ago is absolutely destroying me, I can’t believe it either, 25 years down the toilet for some dirty little low life at work who was blowing smoke up his arse!. We have come across AP tik clock page and she seemed completely obsessed with H and at the time he was completely oblivious to it, didn’t even check out her socials or anything he was only interested in getting his d**k rubbed. Just goes to show how completely stupid they are, my H has even said to me that he didn’t even think it would hurt me at all, never crossed his mind. I’m assuming this is the ‘fog’ everyone speaks of or my H is just extremely dumb.

The thing I struggle with the most and I mean really struggle is it carried on for over 2 yrs on and off, H claims AP was nothing to him, no feelings at all just entertainment. Being an emotional creature myself I really struggle to believe that you can’t develop feelings for someone you’re messing with that long.
But I guess he did walk away in the end so who knows but my mind with this one consumes me.

My husbands affair was also on/off for two years....two periods of sex/oral first year and then purely over text second year. He is adamant no feelings involved and I think it's true as she really isn't a catch looks or personality wise.

What hurts me is she told me out of spite 12 years later because her marriage has finally ended and the thought she thinks she was so bloody desirable and wanted makes me feel sick.

I'm really struggling with feelings of disgust for both him and her at the moment....the thought of what they both did revolts me

my H has even said to me that he didn’t even think it would hurt me at all, never crossed his mind.

Bruce123 this is just one of the more STUPID things a cheater says.

I call bullsh$t on this! I would like to say that the fact an affair is a secret and kept hidden is because the cheater KNOWS it’s wrong, knows it will hurt and devastate their spouse and because they are shamed or embarrassed by it.

Add this to the list of stupid things cheaters say.

Oh he’s stupid alright.
Tells me that that he thought because he didn’t have sex with AP that what he was doing was ok.
He still doesn’t know what to call it, he strongly rejects it was a relationship or an affair, he says to have a relationship you should be committed, spend time or make an effort for someone, he’ll say I was at work doing my job and once I clocked out I didn’t even think about her. He’d given her lots of lifts home but obviously on some occasions the sexual tension was high and they’d end up kissing.
He describes the whole thing as a series of F**k ups.
Sometimes I want to smash his face in sometimes I want to have my own series of F**k ups see if he likes it!.

Evio and Bruce123...this conversation is so healing, thank you for sharing openly. You will definatly have those ups and downs...literally waves. I am a year out from D-Day and I am doing better, but oddly I am getting feelings of trauma just from the feel of the weather because it came out on the spring of last year, April 1 to be exact. Keep working dear ladies...healing will come. I again refer you to Jake Porters YouTube videos and his "Full Access Library" which allows you to listen to some wonderful webinars. Know you are loved. I pray God touches your husband's and makes them literally sick about what they did...hating it more and more every day

Thank you Wood thrush....I find talking about my feelings helps so much and I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.

Can I ask you what your betrayal story is please? Sorry to hear you are still experiencing trauma

Thank you Woodthrush for your kind words, I have watched a couple of Jake Porter videos but it was shortly after DD and I could not focus on them properly so I’ll give them another go. Like Evio I also wear my heart on my sleeve, i have to let my emotions vomit out otherwise I’d literally explode.

Evio to tell you 12 years after the fact is just pure evil IMO, pure evil.
How is your H reacting now?, I know you mentioned he was reacting the same as my H in the beginning.
Keep posting Evio we’ll get through this together.

The other woman is a total bitch for sure! Think she has had another affair and her husband has left her so she went in the rampage.

My could not be more apologetic...he has done everything around the house and with the kids, I haven't lifted a finger in weeks. He is going counselling, has offered to do anything he can, I really do believe he has changed from the man who do this 12 years ago...but the thoughts and images are still there and one minute I'm loving towards him, the next I'm spewing hatred and vile comments

Oh wow Evio it sounds like we’re exactly the same!.
My H is exactly the same, he actually looks horrible I swear it’s put 10 years on him, he’s exhausted and lost weight. He’s taken over absolutely everything in the house and looks after me constantly but sometimes can’t help myself I just lash out pure venom comes out of my mouth.
One thing I’m actually grateful for because I’ve read on here quite a lot that WS’s sometimes blame the M or the faithful partner for the A, my H has never done this he’s always told me it had nothing to do with me and there’s nothing I did or didn’t do or could have done to change it. I often think I’m stupid because I didn’t have a clue at the time, even though it was a ‘just at work thing’ and occasionally he’d be 10 minutes late home because he had dropped her off and told me he’d drop a male colleague off, surely I should have noticed a change in his behaviour or personality? But nothing. He never cared about his appearance for work or get a new style , never changed any habits and our relationship was fine, never had any problem with our sex life anything. Because of this and the fact I found out 3 years after it was over I don’t trust myself anymore either. I feel like such a fool.

Evio, I hope both our H’s AP’s are served the biggest dose of karma the world has ever seen and if we’re lucky enough the universe will let us have front row seats.

I feel like an idiot for not noticing! I told him he could win an oscar for his acting as I had no idea! Makes me doubt myself too and I feel like if I could be deceived by him, I could be deceived by anyone and that puts me off ever trying again with anyone else.

Is your husband having counselling?

Yeah my husband looks rough too....he literally tends to my every need and says he wants to soak up every minute with me in case I do leave him.

I even hear him saying sorry and that he loves me when he thinks I'm asleep.

I want to get over this so badly but there's also a part of me that wants to punish him but if I leave him that punishs me and kids too!

I did give in to the pain 6 days ago and told him I was done for the first time, we both sat in the car crying, so sad because we both don’t want to lose our family. We have a beautiful family, home and life together, our children are thriving and are such good humans, we both absolutely adore our boys. I know he risked losing us by having an affair but I still have to give him credit for self correction and becoming a better husband for the past 3 yrs, believe it or not that’s when I thought something was ‘odd’.
After he finally got rid of her he started being a better man, spending more time doing things together as a family etc, I just thought he’d realised the kids were not going to be kids much longer and was making extra effort.
Didn’t have a clue it was because he was trying to make amends.
After we both sat crying for a while I decided that I could keep going for a while longer and he was grateful.

I want to punish him too for what he has done but he has said to me that what he is going through now is way worse than the pain of losing his mother. Said he never wants to experience this pain ever again, something tells me he’s already suffering although at times it really doesn’t feel like it.

My H is not having counselling no, I’m not sure if that would help in any way. Is your H in counselling? What do it entail? I think it’s very expensive for counselling in the Uk but if it’s something that he needs to do then maybe we should try it.

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that if anything should happen to our M then I will choose to be alone. I feel I could never trust anyone blindly ever again and it would be unfair to subject anyone to any behaviour from wounds caused by someone else.

I also told my husband I couldn't do it one day and we both subbed and I had a panic attack.
Likewise my husband has said it's the worse feeling ever and he will never do it to me or himself again.
I think this shows that we obviously both have a lot of love in our marriages despite being together so long.
As for counselling - my husband has been going every other week. It has helped him understand how his families attitude s, his mum's affair and even his childhood free of consequences led him to be able to cheat. He also understands how he compartmentalises and it's open up the most honest conversations between us. It costs £55 and then I see a counsellor every other week so over £200 a month but if it saves my marriage I feel it is worth every penny.

Evio, how did you go about sourcing a councillor?

I got referred to the talking therapy service through the NHS and they recommended a 6 week program and then some face to face with a therapist after I completed the online program.

How are you with trying to accept what has happened?, I’m not doing good at this at all, I still ask him every day what were you thinking? And why did you do it, I don’t know why I keep asking because he can’t give me any answers other than, I was in cuckoo land, lying to myself that we were just friends, that he was in control and nothing was happening, he didn’t put boundaries in place. I wish I could just accept that what happened has happened, I know how far it went and most details. I’m terrified I won’t ever accept and move on to heal, I’m scared I might stay here and go round and round like this forever.
I understand it’s a long recovery but I hold a lot of fear that I’ll never recover.

Bruce, your story resonated due to similarities. WH had multiple kissing incidents with superficial touching. He says he’d have liked more but she wouldn’t. He was also scared because this was in the office during the day with 20 people around and patients to be seen. Yes, it’s gross, He described it like a fun game she was playing where she would come in and kiss him for a minute or two and then leave. No contact outside of of work as I was suspicious and tracking him. I had his phone and codes and VARing his car and office the whole time. I heard taped conversations and they were just like casual buddies, never a romantic word. It always sounded like friends with benefits. Went on a couple months till I forced him to get rid of her-i.e. make her not HIS secretary. But he never admitted what happened even after he removed her from working for him a couple months after the kissing started. They went NC because I showed up in the office yelling and after that HR made them sign letter saying they would never speak again in the office. Shortly after she was given severance and pushed out of the company.

Then just like you 8 years later its "we’re closer than we’ve ever been" so he come clean with the whole story of the hook ups, about 15 or so. He came clean 2 and a half years ago. The first year, I was like you. dying inside, couldn’t get out of bed, no meaning to my life, triggering all the time.

He has spent 9 years now in atonement, really trying to make things right. Only three of those years with honesty about what he did.

I am just adding my two cents because it is soooo much better now. It really can get better. After almost 3 years from the disclosure I am doing great. We are doing great as a couple. he is a different man with true remorse and disgust at his behavior.

I’m not trying to paint a rosy picture. It has been horrible to get through. I get bouts of anger that I have to work through. I think the 2-5 year recovery timeline is the most realistic. That has been my benchmark and it has helped me.

You mentioned not knowing what to call what your spouse did. I related to that comment very strongly. I call it cheating instead of an affair. Mostly because I truly see no signs of any romantic verbal exchanges. The adulation and the physical were the draw.

But, even if you have a lot of evidence it wasn’t romantic you do still question how could they have not had feelings. I think I assume there was fondness, like the fondness you feel for guy who has a crush on you even if you dont feel the same.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 6:33 AM, Wednesday, March 12th]

Stillconfused your story is reassuring to hear. Did you both have counselling?

Bruce...for counselling you can look on BACP register. Most offer a free consultation. I have found it so helpful and much prefer it to the NHS CBT...I tried that years ago for an unrelated issue and found it actually made the thought loops worse!

Yes I do worry I will never get over it every day and I know I have the type of personality I have means I dwell in even the smallest things.

I really, really hope we both can though and one day we are both on here writing our success stories