SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Emotionally torn, being pushed and pulled in every direction today.
I asked H this morning ‘why did you choose me?, why did you not just choose her?’, he said that I was never a choice, that I’m his wife and it never even crossed his mind to leave me he just needed to get rid of her. He’s not wired up correctly and I can’t believe he’s my husband.
H asked me this morning why I’m so perfect and I’ve never made any bad decisions, he knows how I was raised, in my home growing up there was NO room for mistakes or bad choices, if any were made then the consequences were severe usually with the leather belt and if the mistake was a particularly bad one it would be the buckle end of the belt, so I Learned pretty quickly to always make the right decision and knew that there’s always consequences for every choice we make in life.

H tells me he loves me a hundred times a day, I don’t like it, I don’t believe him and I’ve asked him to stop saying it because it irritates me but he refuses to. He tells me he knows I don’t believe him but it’s true and he’s never going to stop telling me, my brain refuses to accept he loves me but can cause the most indescribable pain. Does the I love you irritate any other BS? Or is it just me?.

I’m still trying to autopsy my H affair and it’s been over 2 months since D day, still got no idea what on earth he was thinking and if he had any feelings for her, if he was using her, what he was getting from her, why he couldn’t stop it sooner, why did it stop in the end, do I know the whole truth etc.

The hysterical bonding still has not left, I’m not complaining neither is he, in all honesty I hope we never go back to how we were before.

I mentioned to the mental health nurse how it is the weirdest feeling, I’ve never felt as close to my H as I have now and he’s the only person on this planet that has wounded me so severely, also I’ve never had H communicate to me in the way he does now, don’t get me wrong he’s still not perfect but he’s trying, she said that she hears it all the time, it’s quite common for people to reconcile and have a better relationship than before. I’m hoping for this outcome but some days it seems hopeless because the pain can get overwhelming.

I do love my H, my family and our lives together. H says he loves me, he shows he loves and cares for me, he tells me he’s going to spend the rest of his life putting things right and proving that he loves me, says and shows he’s willing to do anything for me so why can’t I be positive about our future? He’s literally showing me everything I need to see from him but I can’t see the forest for the trees. I guess time will tell, maybe I need some time.

Thanks for listening.

HB is normal response

HB usually lasts one year

In the privacy of our hotel room we did a lot of talking about our M, we’ve just realised how much his infidelity has affected our entire M, he said he thought he’d buried everything well but our research shows his actions in our relationship is directly linked to guilt.

I came across this article a few days ago. It's not written about infidelity, but it does address the collateral damage done to relationships when one withholds truth. My H also thought he could carry his shame and guilt to his grave. It had seriously messed him up. We can now see, like you, how it hurt our M. It took his confession before he could begin his transformation and the healing in our M.

A man with unhealed trauma becomes the guy who is either defensive or shut down in his relationships

Dear man,
The truth is, your unhealed pain can silently shape the dynamics of your relationships. While you might strive to be the perfect partner, your defenses can build walls that make it difficult for those you love to truly reach you. When you shut down, you unintentionally shut out the very love and connection that could heal both you and her.
Understand that when you avoid facing your inner wounds, you allow them to dictate how you interact with others. This isn’t because you don’t care; it's because your emotional armor is still intact, and it's preventing you from truly being present. Women can sense this absence, and it often leaves them feeling isolated, even when you’re physically there.
It's important to realize that this isn't about blaming you. You may have been taught to suppress your feelings, to "man up" and put on a brave face. But holding it all in doesn’t make you stronger—it makes you fragile. Your unresolved trauma can manifest as defensiveness, as a reluctance to trust or open up fully. Over time, this behavior starts to drain the people around you, especially the woman who longs for your vulnerability and presence.
Her exhaustion isn’t just physical; it’s emotional. She’s carrying the weight of trying to reach you, to understand you, while you silently suffer inside. Every time you withdraw, she’s left to wonder if she’s doing something wrong. This cycle can lead to confusion and emotional depletion on both sides.

What you don’t realize is that your pain doesn’t have to define your relationships. You don’t have to stay in the role of the guy who retreats into himself when the pressure mounts. Healing requires courage—the courage to face the past, to confront the emotions you’ve been avoiding. It means allowing yourself to feel, to express, and to be real with the one you love.
She wants to see the real you, the raw, unguarded version of you. The man who is willing to heal, to be vulnerable, and to embrace the power of emotional intimacy. When you do this, you not only give her the love she deserves but also create space for your own healing. It’s a beautiful cycle of mutual support and understanding that can transform both of you.
The journey to healing isn’t easy, but it’s one that’s worth taking. Start small—acknowledge your feelings, take responsibility for your triggers, and seek the support you need. Surround yourself with people who encourage your growth, and most importantly, allow yourself the grace to heal at your own pace.
As you heal, you’ll find that your relationships become more fulfilling. No longer will you have to hide behind a facade of being the guy." Instead, you’ll be the man who is strong because he is whole, a man who gives love freely because he has learned to give it to himself first.
Dear man, this is your time to stop running from the very thing that holds the power to set you free. Let go of the past, open your heart, and let the healing begin. It won’t happen overnight, but with each step forward, you’ll become more of the man you were always meant to be.
Embrace the vulnerability, and watch how it transforms not just your relationships but your entire life. You have the strength to heal, and in doing so, you can bring healing to the woman you love.

Thank you for sharing this article Trumansworld

Bruce123

You're welcome.

It heled me to understand our past better. Why he behaved the way he did. Emotionally disconnected. He kept a lot bottled up. Riddled with self-hate. Figured he deserved to suffer for his sins. Instead he ended robbing of us of years of healing and a better relationship.

Truemansworld, I have thought about this and it makes me very sad that if he had confessed his earlier infidelities then the most recent one would never have happened, I take comfort in the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’.
I may have reacted differently back then I might not have but I’m here now and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

Bruce,

I hear you. I think about how I would have dealt with the confession if he had told me at the time. Knowing myself as I do, I probably would have tried to reconcile. Who knows? My now self isn't very impressed with my then self. :( And the thought of spending the next 42 yrs always being on guard would have killed me.

Yes S**t happens and sometimes good things come from it. But damn! I wish it could have happened without the pain!

Truemansworld,

Me too, me too.

Wow. Just wow.
Another bad day today, last night I got so angry at H because again I wanted an explanation on what exactly his ‘thing’ was, he doesn’t know what he would call it and this sends me over the edge, we end up arguing then not sleeping and now we are both exhausted. He FaceTime’d me from work today and he looks awful, absolutely awful I swear he’s aged 10 years in the past two months. When I looked at him today and I mean really looked I thought to myself look at what you did to yourself, he literally looks like a cast member from the walking dead.
He doesn’t deserve my empathy but I can’t help feel sorry for him and I’m worried he might have an accident at work or something because he’s not ok, all self inflicted too which he knows and I think that’s making it worse, he also seems really detached and deflated.

Fight, flight and freeze. I keep switching between these, I think I’m mostly in flight because I constantly feel like I need to go somewhere and get away from everything. When I’m in freeze I feel empty, numb and completely dead inside. Fight I do not like at all, not one single bit. I turn in to someone I don’t like much at all and I actually scare myself.
The mental health nurse thinks I have PTSD but said because it has not been long enough since the trauma all my reactions are classed as ‘normal reactions’, I have to wait until time has passed a little and be reevaluated.

God I’m so tired, I don’t want to stay in this pit anymore. I keep telling myself one foot in front of the other but today I can’t feel my feet.

Thanks for listening.

You’ve been heard, Bruce. The fight flight thing is totally normal. Try meditation or breathing exercises or even shaking to help your body process the adrenaline coursing through you.

many of us ended up with a form of PTSD. It really sucks.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Let him look like sh*t. Mine did too (and then he continued the A anyway- so it was that he was feeling bad for his self, not for what he did for me.).

H tells me he loves me a hundred times a day, I don’t like it, I don’t believe him and I’ve asked him to stop saying it because it irritates me but he refuses to. He tells me he knows I don’t believe him but it’s true and he’s never going to stop telling me, my brain refuses to accept he loves me but can cause the most indescribable pain. Does the I love you irritate any other BS? Or is it just me?

Yes....Sometimes it's even the extra kisses and whatnot that I just feel are him trying to make up for his mistakes. I think it's sometimes still hard to believe that they truly love you and can still do these things to hurt you. Especially when you could never do something like that to someone you love. Sometimes it makes the love and the affection seem inauthentic. This is why I took off my wedding rings. I just couldn't be reminded constantly of the promises that were broken.

As for the hard times you were talking about (I'm about 6 months from DDay) I am finding that there are definitely stages to go through (for me at least). They aren't linear either. I find the anger and despair stages are the hardest for me. These are the hardest to control. When you just get so angry at what they did or just so sad about your situation or what they did. Or the images won't stop playing in your head. I posted on here about bad days and received advice to separate the emotions from yourself. I.e. I feel sadness but I am not sad (if that makes any sense). I also force myself not to ruminate on facts, thoughts, or images. This doesn't mean they don't still come up but once you start spiraling down that path, it is really hard to come up when you are past a certain point. Saying all of this, I still think your husband needs to tell you everything. At what point would you feel like you've heard it all though? I found photographs after the inital DDay after he told me he never sent any and because of this, I always feel like there may be more. I have never found anything more but that just makes me feel like I just haven't stumbled across it yet. I think because we have lost all trust and even once the trust comes back we will never blind trust again. We may have to just work towards forgiveness (whenever that happens) and trust that the work they are putting into everything is enough.

[This message edited by TryingToSurvive44 at 9:46 AM, Friday, March 7th]

Thank you for the advice Tryingtosurvive44 I’ll definitely put the ‘I feel but I’m not’ to practice.

I guess I’ll never be satisfied I have the whole truth because he is TT’ing.
Only last night new information came out and it’s like being stabbed in the chest again, I can’t cope with it much longer and I’ve told him that.

One of the shittest things this week is perimenopausal symptoms popping up for a visit, same thing every month and I hate it!, it’s like a double whammy shit show, breathless, sweats especially at night, dizzy, weakness, bloated and rage. Add infidelity trauma with a sprinkling of PTSD and we have a recipe for ‘I’d like to commit murder.

I hope I’m not alone in saying I have everything including timelines, dates, incidents, things said etc about the A on the notes in my phone and I’ve become quite obsessed with going over everything and still trying to investigate and find any inconsistencies. I realise now that I need to stop doing this because it’s not helping my recovery in any way it’s making things worse if anything, has anyone ever been brave enough to delete everything?, completely draw a line in the sand and say it’s time to let go.
I know all the main facts and all deal breakers are out.
I feel like I need to do this for my mental health but I’m scared to as I might regret it.

Dear Bruce123...you are in the thick of it. You are fighting for survival and love. Yes ...you have PTSD ...it is called Betrayal Trauma. It is often seen as being WORSE than wartime PTSD. You see in war....you know you are fighting an enemy. With Betrayal Trauma....the one you loved and thought was your safe place....has changed your reality and in some compartmentalized way ...was your enemy in the Betrayal. Be merciful to yourself ....you are getting your feet established in the new reality you know. But you CAN DO THIS. And you can heal. And your marriage can heal. As far as him telling you he loves you ...when he does, just be honest and tell him you are struggling to reconcile that with what he did. As the saying in the wretched world of affair recovery goes.....consistency over time....is the only thing that will truly heal us at the deepest of levels. Seek the One who can heal the greatest wounds....will pray for you.🙏

And BTW....I needed to know EVERYTHING. That is just the way I am. Some people do..don't feel guilty or bad about that need.

Thank you for your prayers Woodthrush2

I hope I’m not alone in saying I have everything including timelines, dates, incidents, things said etc about the A on the notes in my phone and I’ve become quite obsessed with going over everything and still trying to investigate and find any inconsistencies.

Yes this is so hard! I think there are people that don’t need every detail and there are those that need every single last detail (and then we hyper-analyze everything again and again trying to see if there’s something we missed or some way to find something new out). I am one of those detail people too. I always feel like I need to know everything and then I go over it in my head. As of recent though, I’ve recognized that sometimes going over that timeline or looking at specific things (for me it is the messages I found) that aren’t healthy. I know that even though it feels like an itch that needs to be scratched, it won’t actually ever be relieved by pouring over everything. I don’t ever feel better…it just puts me in that obsessed mode and then I spiral down. I try to redirect what I am doing at the time to something I enjoy or just something I know will take my mind off of the facts. I hope you can find some peace soon. It’s awful how torturous this all is.

I’ve noticed a pattern, I go about 3 days before I get a bad day and feel nothing but hopelessness and despair, I feel absolutely heartbroken and always feel on these days I can’t continue my M.
I seem to pull myself around and then I’m ok for another 3 days then bam!, again absolutely heartbroken.
Is this normal?, I don’t even know what to do with myself on these days I’m almost forcing myself to not pack my bags and leave.
I’m fine when H is at home because he talks to me and I feel calmer but when he’s at work I feel lost.

We refer to it as a roller coaster of emotions because it is a wild ride. You can feel all that in the span of 15 minutes. Also, sometimes after a "good" day, you have a bad day because your lizard brain doesn’t trust that things are truly safe and good. So it reacts and sends you back in to the spiral. As and if trust is rebuilt, then your system will start to trust the good times more and there can be less whiplash between good and bad. That four letter word - time - plays a big role.

I'm the same...was feeling good Saturday and Sunday but then husband worked last night and when he's not here my mind takes over (I'm not worried he's cheating again, I now know worrying achieves nothing and if they are going to do it they will!) thinking about how he betrayed me. Today I've felt crap all day and been in floods if tears and feel ill never be happy again either with or without him. It feels like I've been given a life sentence

Evio

You’ve been on my mind It’s nice to see you posting,
I feel exactly the same, the nightmares, the intrusive thoughts, the rage is unreal. I don’t really get that emotional now, not every day but just feel numb and my heart feels heavy.
When I need to cry I go for a drive, grab a coffee, park up somewhere and let it all out.