SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry that your WW continues to hurt you. Most importantly right now is to take care of you. You have suffered a real trauma and what you thought was true was a lie. This is not a sprint. You have one year of separation to navigate with kids. Not an easy task. Focus as much as you can on getting yourself back and healthy. When we have a family and are devoted to our partner and kids, and our career, it is easy to lose our identity. Always value yourself. Good luck.

Just an fyi: iPhone to iPhone texts do not go thru your cellular carrier thus they do not show up in your history. Ask me how I know :/ I almost gave up on my suspicions when I didn't find anything in our Verizon log but thankfully my spidey sense had me check her tablet. She had the frame of mind to delete their sexting just before leaving work each day but I checked her tablet while she was at work.

I think you are doing the right thing with a separation.

We are android both but I know as well as any if she wants to hide it she will (use a phone at work, use a burner phone ect.).

We are android both but I know as well as any if she wants to hide it she will (use a phone at work, use a burner phone ect.).

The whole "check the phone bill" is about 99% useless advise these days as NO app-based messaging or app-based calling will EVER show up on a cellular invoice. Polygraph would be the only way you MIGHT be able know with any confidence whatsoever she’s remained NC.

I would ask you to reflect deeply on what you’re trying to save. Ask yourself if you knew everything that she would do when you met her, would you be eager to start a relationship? That question is absolutely relevant because at the very least, you’d be starting over with her. Feeling bad she was caught and shedding some tears is absolutely no indication she’s had a full change of character - and that’s the only way she could ever be a safe(r) partner to anyone. Do you think she has a complete integrity transformation in her? Is she willing to crawl over broken glass THE REST OF HER LIFE to keep any kind of relationship with you?

To the peanut gallery: I am not saying she must flagellate herself for all eternity. I’m saying she needs to have the attitude NOW to be willing to do exactly that because true reconciliation is a LIFELONG effort.

Um, are you actually contemplating giving her another chance cuz she hit rock bottom ? Another chance to do what exactly? Give you back your life?

You aren’t actually feeling sorry for the person who is the worst betrayer ever?

Her sins are terrible and she deserves to suffer. That doesn’t mean you have to fix her.

I found out she saw him for one last time this Friday....... It was at work and in passing but she said "I still care about him, I wanted to see him one last time" FFS

"one last time"

Sorry, man, don’t count on it.

Best wishes.

How did you find out? Did she volunteer this information, or did you find it?

You cannot fix her. Whatever caused this behavior, it is now her way of life. This is who she is and what she does. She appears to be missing the ability to form deep attachments. If she has done this your entire relationship you need to recognize there is something very wrong with her.

In my work as a social worker I often deal with people whose life is lived on the surface, much like a small child. If it is in front of them and they want it they grab it. That should be gone by adulthood. In fact one of the hallmarks of being a grownup is postponing pleasure. The ability to say NO to themselves. The ability to see the reality they are facing. It does not sound like she ever made it to maturity.

I am so sorry this is now your life but you will get through it. I hope you have seen a dr for temp meds to help you sleep and deal with the inevitable anxiety. All of this is having a negative impact on your immune system. Take care of your health.

This was difficult to read. Seriously, WTF is wrong with her? In my humble opinion, you never had a wife. I don't think you were ever in a relationship with this freak, I don't think she's capable of having one with you. And since she set the bar very low, any future relationship will be an upgrade 100%. If you have the finances, DNA test the kids via several different companies. All best to you and your family.

I found out she saw him for one last time this Friday

I have a friend who is constantly trying to quit smoking. He sometimes will say "That’s my last cigarette. Until the next one..."

I generally have serious doubts about a couples ability to reconcile if the WS and OP still work together. Even if it’s only in proximity of each other.

But friend – does it matter?
Last post(s) before this one, you state you are separating.
Once you separate and/or divorce... aren’t you both free of the marital obligations?

If anything – you should be telling her that she is totally free to date OM, be with OM, have OM over to her place, take OM to parties and dinners with friends... BUT NOT AS YOUR WIFE.

We are in a separation, but she is begging and pleading for a chance at R. I can't believe the rollercoaster of emotions and thought patterns this has sent me on. One minute I feel like I can try for the family at least, then the next I see how freeing and happy divorce would be. The next I'm sad, then angry, then want to hold her. I wrote a letter to her I will probably never send and put it in my journal here. I'm not sure if that's something people post to vent or not but I have a well written letter that took me hours of reflection and anger seeping out.

It seems she is a serial cheater. Did you find out the total number of men she's had affairs with? Has she given you a written timeline of everything (don't trust the initial draft but use it to work from-- if you are truly considering R)

Have you DNA tested your kids? Has she indicated that any may not be biologically yours? Could you stay together if you found out you were raising another man's kids? Sorry to be harsh but you need to think about this since she's a serial cheater.

Have you obtained a VAR to use in the house, be aware she may become desperate and file false domestic abuse charges against you.
Get a couple or several VARS- hide one in her car that you can recover and listen too... you need to see if she's still in contact with her APs and how she portraying her side to friends and family. Don't be surprised that she tells you one thing but something completely different to family and friends.

Has you family come around to supporting you once they learned the extent of her affairs or are they still considering her a victim?