Hey Ragab, so glad you found SI. This place IS amazing. I came here as a former BH looking for more answers concerning a decades old betrayal and have found much wisdom in the experience and input of others. I am currently wrestling with the cognitive dissonance concept and have found a lot of great insight here.
Youve already received excellent input and I want to encourage you to write that timeline to the best of your ability. Take time in doing so. Make it as thorough as possible. It will help fill the gaps-turned-potholes-turned-canyons on his mind. Not knowing as complete a truth as possible is torturous, I know whereof I speak.
There are a three things that youve touched on that Id like to speak to.
#1 His rage.
his words: Prince charming who got what he wanted, driving off on his horse with all the "bragging rights' ' – never to face anything. Currently AP is married and from what we could gather and live "the live" aboard, while we are still stuck. BS "believe" if he can just hurt him as much as he was hurt, that he must also experience how it is to suffer, to lose everything that matters – EVERY WAKING MOMENT.
He has days that he just gets lost in his head where he continues "fantasizing" about justice. Not a nice picture, blood, and guts - The more horrific, crueler the better.
He doesn't want to write a letter to the AP and burn the letter, he wants to burn the AP and cut him up in pieces
I sooooo relate to your BHs anger and thirst for payback. It burned brightly in my soul for at least a decade. Its common. I neednt have worried, though, as the karma bus completely flattened my first wife's AP who was also my ex best friend. I will also say that it was not healthy for me to ruminate on and feed those flames of hatred & revenge, and, like you, we did not handle the days and years post affair well at all. It is very very hard to deal with though and anger is the nuclear pile of the emotional spectrum. I hope he gets some coaching (therapy) to help get some tools onboard to deal with it because it exacts a severe toll physically and emotionally.
The next two issues cause many BSs to run screaming into the night (figuratively).
#2 The "Love" conundrum
I love and always loved my husband, and he keeps on asking why he was not enough, why did it happen, why the AP why why why and I found 99% of the answers.
I heard this. Ive read variations of this from WSs dozens and dozens of times. It still does not compute and Im sure its the same with your BH. It puts our brains/souls on tilt.
Basically this, how do you "love" and then proceed to do the most unloving, most hurtful thing you can do this side of murder to your betrothed? You need to dig deep here. Do you still believe you "loved" him while in your affair? If so, why? If not, why not? Has your concept of truly "loving" your spouse changed since 12 years ago? If so, how? Is it possible that prior to 12 years ago you may have both mouthed the same word "love" to each other, but meant vastly different things? If true, how were they different. I cannot tell you how important it is to nail this issue down with as much detail as possible. Same goes for the next topic.....
#3 The value and meaning of sex
I never had the A for the sex, I wanted the attention, I wanted validation, the compliments and I allowed the sex as I believed that if I did not allow the sex then the above would stop. He doesn't understand that it was not about the AP it was about me and it could have been anybody. How do I get him to understand this
Here too is a mile wide chasm in understanding and perception many times.
To be fair, your descrition is very commonly related by many WWs, giving sex for ego strokes. Totally transactional. Many do say that emotional attachments developed as well, but not all. This too (it was "just" sex) blows the circuits of many BSs. To your question, "How do I get him to understand this?", you are going to have to answer deeper questions for him, If hes like me and many other BHs, he attaches much to sexual intimacy with your spouse. I, like other BHs, view sexual intimacy as a validation of love. As a seal of the pair bond. Special. Reserved. Exclusive. To hear our erstwhile beloved say it was given up for kibbles is truly soul shattering.
So....questions for you. Can you further describe your over all view of sex and its importance 12 years ago? Why did you see it that way then? How do you view it now? If it has changed (hopefully it has), why and how has it changed?
In ALL of this, you will need to use a finer tooth comb than you ever have in order to fill in the gaps in his mind and bring further healing. The devil is most definitely in the details.
Can these issues be dealt with in such a way that paves the way for greater healing to take place? I believe so and encourage you to keep posting here. Itd be great if your H did the same so we could help support him directly.
[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:59 PM, Friday, December 9th]