SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hating the AP is 100% normal. But also not useful. The AP is scum. But they did not make vows or commitments to you.
It takes time, but don’t let them live in your headspace rent free. They don’t deserve it.

This is MUCH easier said than done, but it’s true. She’s horrible, but your WS is the one who cheated ON YOU.
So hate her, but don’t put too much energy into that.

Hating the AP is 100% normal. But also not useful. The AP is scum. But they did not make vows or commitments to you.
It takes time, but don’t let them live in your headspace rent free. They don’t deserve it.

This is MUCH easier said than done, but it’s true. She’s horrible, but your WS is the one who cheated ON YOU.
So hate her, but don’t put too much energy into that.

Totally agree bearlybreathing. I'll try my best to not let her live in my headspace rent free. Believe me, my WS is paying for what he did with many, many, many conversations and much lost sleep. What frustrates me is I can't make her pay. But you are right. I will try to get her out of my head.

So I’ve been around the block with "she’s just a friend" routine. I like Bigger’s stance: you can have all the female friends you want. Just not as my H lol.

1stWife you are absolutely right.
Point in case, I have a lot of female friends: Guess what? They are all my wife's friends. And we meet them with my wife present. And I'd never meet them alone for a "fake date" or a party. Not because I was ever afraid to be tempted or she was jealous. Because friends share emotions, and if a female is sharing her emotions with me, my partner must be in the loop, present. No emotional energy is (or better was, as current state of things) going out from me towards another female without my partner participating.

Is just how things go wrong, or get awkward.

So hate her, but don’t put too much energy into that.

This is true. She is a worm like every OM/OW who messes with other people's relationships. She is disgusting and is normal you hate her.
Also she is not worthy your energy, hate her, but like a bug, gives you the ick, but it does not matter.

Maybe you’re worried her husband will dump her, and she’ll be more available for your husband, and more aggressive.

You know what?

You might as well find that out, and sooner is better than later.

Former people person... I really don't think that is my issue. Her husband and I let my WS and AP travel together two weekends a month. We were so blind I can't even get over it. He told me they slept in separate hotel rooms and went their separate ways during the conferences. This was true, but he neglected to tell me that she would stop by his hotel room at the end of the night. I have a hard time imagining how now that he won't be traveling with her and she is not working for his company anymore, that she could be more available. But I guess anything is possible. Just not my reason for not wanting to tell her spouse.

[This message edited by 456tree456 at 7:48 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]

So sorry this happened to you.

Get Individual Counseling, it really helped me.

Don't speak to OW, nothing good can come from talking to her.

Get "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". Short book, read it and give it to your husband.

I highly doubt that. What exactly did you lose over those 5 years? Your sense of safety, security, trust, husband, and your sense of what's even real anymore? You just had your whole world shattered. Do you also sympathize with your H for losing his love affair of 5 years? Jobs can be replaced. She jeopardized that on her own through her actions.

Thank you Porge. Don't need to feel sorry for her. Changing my perspective.

That said, I get hating the AP. I do, believe me. I hate my wife's former AP more than I've ever hated anyone, and I've never even met him. I could gleefully break all of his fingers and smash his face without even a twinge of guilt, but that'd only buy me a small, cold room with metal bars for a view. That doesn't let my wife off the hook tho. AP never made a promise to protect my heart and love and cherish only me. She did. This is on her.

Betrayals like this are traumatizing. I've lost loved ones and it didn't hurt like this. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I've been around for a while. So no, I really doubt she's hurting more than you. She wasn't betrayed by the one person who was trusted more than anyone on this planet.

I'm glad you hear me. I can fuss at my WS all day long if I want to. When I can't sleep, I wake him up and he knows I'm suffering. I'm having a hard time finding a channel for my anger with her. There is no closure. I thank you for affirming my pain. That betrayals are traumatizing and she's not hurting more than me.

[This message edited by 456tree456 at 7:50 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]

What frustrates me is I can't make her pay. But you are right. I will try to get her out of my head.

This was hard for me, too. AP is single, and got off basically scott-free, but I've done a pretty good job of thinking of him as some dog dung I scraped from the bottom of my shoe. I got most of it off, but every once in a while that odor lingers a little from some bits that I guess are still stuck in the treads.

What I don't do, and have never done, is lurk on his social media or anything. I'm not saying you're doing that, but I know some BS' here that have done that. It's just unnecessary pain shopping. Like you, we've managed to cut him pretty cleanly from our lives.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:50 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]

Betrayals like this are traumatizing. I've lost loved ones and it didn't hurt like this

I found the betrayal hurt so much because when you lose a loved one, that usually was not their choice, they got ill, or had an accident, but to betray your spouse is a conscious decision, they decided to do it. Also when you lose a loved one you can often share that grief with others around you such as family members, being betrayed is a grief you face alone, and no one around you is experiencing this in the way that you are.

As for the anger issues, when I was going through the same thing I read on this forum that directing the anger towards the AP is a way of your mind managing the anger you feel rather than directing it towards your spouse, who you clearly still have feelings for. By directing all of your anger initially at the AP your mind can slowly direct it where it also belongs with your spouse, but do this in smaller manageable steps.

I found the betrayal hurt so much because when you lose a loved one, that usually was not their choice, they got ill, or had an accident, but to betray your spouse is a conscious decision, they decided to do it. Also when you lose a loved one you can often share that grief with others around you such as family members, being betrayed is a grief you face alone, and no one around you is experiencing this in the way that you are.

Yes. He had a choice and chose to keep lying to me. We could've fixed it years ago. I confronted him in July specifically about her and he denied it. So definitely an incredibly deep hurt. And yes. It's so lonely. My children and others see me acting differently... wanting to be with WS more, excluding them, being more lax, lazy, however you say it about so many things. And they don't understand. It's so lonely... so isolating. You want to scream, "This is why I'm acting differently. I'm hurting like crazy." But you can't.

As for the anger issues, when I was going through the same thing I read on this forum that directing the anger towards the AP is a way of your mind managing the anger you feel rather than directing it towards your spouse, who you clearly still have feelings for. By directing all of your anger initially at the AP your mind can slowly direct it where it also belongs with your spouse, but do this in smaller manageable steps.

Yes. And in my case I can bring my issues to my husband. He is accepting all of the blame and is extremely repentant. If I'm angry, I say ugly things to him, and he doesn't respond. He listens and asks for my forgiveness. In her case, I have no outlet for my anger. For her taking what was mine. She stole from me and included me in her game. Anyway... like someone else said. I need to not let her live rent-free in my head and all of you are helping me talk this out.

Thank you lameenough666.

There are things we should get mad about, should hate.

She’s one of them.

It’s ok.

Tell the OBS.
That’s the start of relieving some of the injustice you feel.

Have shared this story so many times here...
Let’s try an abbreviated version:
Back in the days of yore, when I was young, a man I trusted and viewed as a colleague and co-owner of a company I owned went behind my back and cost me a fortune. Short-version: While we thought he was negotiating terms to sell our stock to a competitor he was actually negotiating his compensation for moving over to that company, along with the software-feature that made us unique in our niche.
From expecting a sale that would have covered our outstanding loans, wages and costs, plus left me with the down-payment I needed for a home, I was left with a worthless company and it’s outstanding loans. To protect family-members that had cosigned some of the loans, I assumed responsibility and set off to pay them.
Rented a small semi-basement, 2 bed apartment with my wife. To cut costs we had one car. Every morning I would walk out to the curb to wait for my colleague. I had a fantastic view over the bay in the city I was living in at the time, and in the distance – on the other side – I could see the house that this man lived in, along with his new Audi. I would look at that house and get angry at that SOB and what he had done.
Then my colleague would pick me up, and I would be grumpy.
After a few weeks he called me out on that. He asked why I was so grumpy. It got me thinking... I was allowing this man to control my emotions, and thereby my life.

I did the following:
Next morning I intentionally looked over the bay at his house and thought "Silly man. Sold his dignity, his honor, his friendship and his reputation for some cash. I pity him".
The strange thing about pity is that you cant really be angry at those that you pity.
Those that you pity and don’t seem to do anything to get out of your pity... they are pathetic. You lose your interest in feeling pity, angry... whatever. You just let them go.

Using this mental exercise and this method, I managed to remove the anger and replace it with an emotion that I could better control. With time, his existence didn’t really impact me. Anger is such a space-consuming and volatile emotion. Pity isn’t. Especially pity for those that have created their own reasons for being pitiful.

It’s been decades since. Last time I heard of this man was about a decade or so ago, when my CEO asked me about him. He was applying for the role as CFO in the company I work for, and the CEO noticed we were of comparable age and from the same city. I was a bit shocked at first, but then told my CEO that if this guy was hired then I would ask him to ensure I would never have to work with him. The CEO smiled and told me not to worry... That was the last of that. Karma... 20 years in the making.

Using this mental exercise and this method, I managed to remove the anger and replace it with an emotion that I could better control. With time, his existence didn’t really impact me. Anger is such a space-consuming and volatile emotion. Pity isn’t. Especially pity for those that have created their own reasons for being pitiful.

Great story, Bigger. Sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing.
It is true. I really do feel sorry for her. She gave lots in the relationship and my husband took. She invested heavily in him, believing she was going to get a return and it didn't pan out. Besides the things she whined to my husband about: that her family doesn't like her, her husband doesn't like her. It's all true. None of the people at work like her. She's a very sad person and she doesn't know how to have a good relationship. When I found out about the affair, I immediately asked my husband if he'd like to stay with her and his immediate reaction was, "No way." Since then, I've asked over and over and he continues to say "no way at all." That the chase was much more exciting than the actual. That even when he was with her, he would ask himself what he was doing. I feel sorry for her... can you imagine someone being with you and thinking that?? She asked him what would happen if I found out and he told her outright that he would fire her. I can't imagine thinking so low of myself that I would give myself to a man who treated me like that. It really is pitiable and I will try to concentrate on that part of it. Thank you!

Tell the OBS.
That’s the start of relieving some of the injustice you feel.

I hear you OhItsYou. But I think I'm not going to tell him. First of all, I don't feel like I owe that man anything. I owe my children and my family something, but not that man. I know some here have said he deserves to know, and maybe he does, but I don't think that's on me.

Second, I'm seriously afraid that if she is thinking of suing my husband, he would encourage her. My husband doesn't think she'll sue, but I'm not so sure. I don't think I need to stir up trouble for myself and my family.

I'll try to find other ways of relieveing the injustice. Like Bigger's pity suggestion.

Thanks OhItsYou.

There are things we should get mad about, should hate.

She’s one of them.

It’s ok.

Thank you former people person.