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What do you do/think/react after your cheating partner says "I wasted the best years of my life with you"?

I would leave. Immediately. End of story. No further questions asked. I'd pack my bags and get the fuck out. It would not matter one fucking iota if the statement was true or not. There's no going back from something like that.

If my husband said that to me, my response would be very quiet and purposeful.

I would walk away, begin packing without speaking.

I would leave.

And I would send him one last message: "All future contact will be via my attorney. I will never waste another moment."

Dear, dear man: you have endured enough. You may not be able to envision what the future for you and your children will be, you may fear poverty and emotional fallout. There are risks, but I suspect you over estimate them. Please, man, don’t waste your life on this. Your one precious, wild, short life. Please.

Backfromthestorm, if you had been following OP's posts from the start, knew what his wife has done to him and his children, and still came away thinking she didn't hate him, then I shudder to contemplate what his wife would have to do to make you think that she did hate him.

I did not, hence I did not have that perspective.

So she is in the dehumanization / devaluation phase. Usually that is active when the WS is working to replace their partner and tries to discharge their shame and guilt as a baggage to the old relationship.

In betrayals the emotional state of the partners is always more complex than in other kind of conflicts, it can be she truly hates him, it can be as well she hates herself and what she has done and projects it to him.

For Clarity, I do not defend the actions of the Wayward partner, they are awful this is undisputed by both BS and reformed WS. Having been in the OP shoes I know how it feels, he cannot see this perspective right now, too much of an emotional storm, but it can help: Betrayals is a unique kind of pain, it does not "add to your reality"like other traumas, it "shatters it completely" takes away, is "ambiguous loss", turns the pillars of you reality into dust (you wonder if it was any of it real).

This is why the BS tends to turn the blame to themselves.

The WS attacks on his worth are cruel, killing a dead man, possibly not to hurt him more (he is already on the ground) but to make her feel better about her choices.

And psychologically, when we humans want to hurt someone deeply, we lash out such attacks and watch the reaction. Is the reaction that communicates you you have hit the mark. That the attack was true or made up does matter little to nothing here. Is how you react that validates or not the truth of an emotional attack.

If you feel need to excuse of defend then you automatically validate it, implicitly accepting their thesis.

My advice is to not react, laugh it off, make fun of it, you will disarm her.

Still implement the CONSEQUENCES as you were advised to.

REACTION =/= RESPONSE

- Reaction = emotional vs an emotional attack (Attack "I wasted the best years of my life with you!" - Reaction "how dare you?" 'feels hurt')

- Response = indifference/ mockery + consequences vs an emotional attack ( Attack "I wasted the best years of my life with you!" - Response "Lucky I do not have to witness the worst! I can only imagine the shitshow! 'laughing it off or blowing it up to ridiculous, comical proportions', + consequences = present her stuff packed up ready to leave, divorce papers, etc)

That's what I meant.

The WS here is not acting like an adult, is acting like a child throwing a tantrum (with all the real damage an unstable adult can cause).

So do not treat them like an adult, treat them like the clown they are being now, that will hit harder than any counterargument (she is not driven by reason right now anyway)

(pS. if you think about is the 180, it is the natural response. There is nothing to save from this emotional state, only the BS dignity. 180, stop caring about her (at least make her feel so), focus on you and respond with consequences, but with calm, like she is just an annoying pest, because right now she is behaving as such)

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:43 AM, Friday, January 16th]

Back from the storm- the dehumanizing state is a stage. This woman I suspect does not have another mode of operation. She is not a run of the mill ws and often has the sounds of a cluster b personality disorder. She allowed her ap to abuse their son for example. I don’t think this is likey fixable. He has stayed for their children and at times has been in house separated from her. I am guessing the way he feels upset right now that perhaps that had been put aside. He hasn’t really said.

Back from the storm- the dehumanizing state is a stage. This woman I suspect does not have another mode of operation. She is not a run of the mill ws and often has the sounds of a cluster b personality disorder. She allowed her ap to abuse their son for example. I don’t think this is likey fixable. He has stayed for their children and at times has been in house separated from her. I am guessing the way he feels upset right now that perhaps that had been put aside. He hasn’t really said.

Yes devaluation / dehumanization is usually a stage when a partner is trying to justify the replacement of their betrayed partner.

I see there is more backstory to it and likely more issue.

Still the 180 is best for the BS here, train to not care, not react, enforce conseuqence and start living his life to the fullest

(is a kinder way to give a middle finger to this unremorseful WS, you cannot fix a person who does not want to be fixed)

She allowed her ap to abuse their son for example

How is this AP still walking around on his legs?

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:42 PM, Friday, January 16th]

He is well past the stage of the 180 being of any use and there is no peace, no harmony, and no making a better life for himself while living with an emotional and spiritual assassin like this woman.

It doesn’t look like OP is coming back to respond, which is unfortunate.

He is well past the stage of the 180 being of any use and there is no peace, no harmony, and no making a better life for himself while living with an emotional and spiritual assassin like this woman.

It doesn’t look like OP is coming back to respond, which is unfortunate.

Got it Blue.

I like to think he is serving her papers to get rid of her

Mr. H has a SAHM, 5 offspring, and is sole $$ for all of them.

My take is he is plotting his course of action to keep the 5 offspring in a home and fed.

He was in military service - and such service conditions a person to accept bad things can happen to you as well as around you.

Not sure about his experience with women but surmise the view he has or had is not what his spouse had turned into.

Posting here is, I think, him asking for sanity check on how to interpret his ongoing crappy wife, her words, her marital transgression.

- lessor of the evil choices he has is staying in house and supporting the offspring and enduring the hateful mother of his children.

I'm sure he will be back - but not sure on the when -

I would show her the door, if you haven't already.

While I agree that people sometimes say things to hurt others, that doesn't make them untrue. I think people are more likely to reveal how they really feel when their emotions high, they are agitated and activated.

Male cheaters blame their partners just as much as female cheaters. I think that's pretty universal. Honestly, I think females get most of the blame regardless of which side they're one. If they are cheated on, they must've not been a good wife. If they cheat, they're sluts, floosies, loose, immoral, etc.

I don't say things I don't mean. I also don't say everything I think. My H says I don't have a filter. I say that I do have a filter, so imagine how it would be if I actually didn't.

Backfromthestorm

AP gets to walk, and live, because I love my kids more than I hate him and the stupid affair.
If I had my way, i would have done something. However, in the real world, that means jail. So my kids end up the victims and lose me, and then lend up with a single mom who is basically a magnet for abusers and pedos.

I pulled some strings with the local cops and had his restraining order served to him at work, and faced him in court to keep his sorry ass away from my kids, and my son knows this. Plus if he comes near my kids, school etc, he will go to jail.

I am reading every response, just sometimes I have to clarify things. I already sacrificed a lot of my self respect during the affair, and when people ask things about how AP is still walking etc it strikes a nerve.

I can’t just go and beat the shit out of him. It makes great TV, but I don’t want to lose my job or freedom. Again, my kids are the ones who would suffer the most if I did that. I don’t really have to explain that anymore

W and I aren’t really talking anymore, and it’s my fault according to her.

Hikingout

You said cluster B, and honestly I think that’s pretty spot on. Nothing I will do will ever be good enough and of course I will be held accountable for every bad thing I’ve ever done but at the same time it’s my responsibility to forgive and trust her again and it’s my fault we are in a bad place right now. I don’t actually believe that, just a summary of our last conversation.

It’s just hard. I thought I was married to someone completely different, that we had same values, and since she is basically my only real serious relationship I’m having a hard time. Plus more than anything, my kids matter more than anything else, and I certainly don’t trust her to do right by them if I leave. She’s already proven that she matters more than them. So I have to be the adult here.

Honestly, I think females get most of the blame regardless of which side they're one. If they are cheated on, they must've not been a good wife. If they cheat, they're sluts, floosies, loose, immoral, etc.

You're not wrong about the way women get viewed if they cheat, but males get called cucks, losers, and weak if they don't immediately leave and decide to try and reconcile. It's a different kind of pressure and societal judgement, but it still hurts and it still sucks.

I think both sexes get it pretty bad either way.

There’s an old joke about this:

When a husband cheats, it’s because he’s an asshole.

When a wife cheats, it’s because her husband is an asshole.

Oh I got that. Definitely all my fault she had an affair, still hints of it though I shut it down and won’t hear it.

There is no gender aspect, the betrayed get blamed for being cheated on regardless of who because the cheater often controls the game.

No, cheaters cheat because they are entitled and selfish. Nothing else to it

Here’s an update to my post.

When a cheater tells the betrayed that respect is earned not given.

Post affair and supposedly during our 4th attempt at R after being caught three times cheating on me.

No I’m not putting up with it, i didn’t respond because it’s pointless. All that will happen is it will get spun on to how I did something 16 years ago etc.

Really I am posting this because my therapist is trash, and I want other BS to see this so they can realize if the WS is acting like this there is no R. Only abuse and wasted time.

I am so sorry she is doing this to you and your kids. My H turned out to be a different person than he presented himself to be while we were dating. I would not have married him if I had known who he truly was. It's a hard to pill to swallow when you realize something like that. I felt tricked, duped, stuck. I stayed mostly for the sake of my children and our lifestyle. That being said, my H is not evil like your W seems to be.

Is there no way you can leave with the kids? If you filed a restraining order against an OM, you must have some proof that he abused your child. Since he got access to your child through your W, is there no way you can get a court order at least limiting her contact to supervised?

Several years ago, a woman I knew called me from the police station. She had been arrested and asked if I would take her kids in. Our spouses were deployed and she didn't know anyone else to ask. I agreed.

She was arrested for sexual abuse of her own children. She had gotten involved with a pedophile OM who convinced her to do things with her children for him. They both ended up in federal prison because they used the internet to stream live video of it. I'm telling you this in case there's anything here that might help you get your W away from your children. I hope you can find a way to save them from her.

I have some proof, but it’s basically my son’s statement to his therapist. I had to fight like hell to even get the restraining order out, but no, nothing for me to justify full custody. I already went through this with my lawyer, and truthfully I don’t want to. Despite everything, I don’t want to take the kids away from their mom.

As long as no creeps are in the picture it is what it is. Unfortunately, that means I have to be here because I don’t trust her to not get involved with that kind of man. I think I have justified reasons.

AP gets to walk, and live, because I love my kids more than I hate him and the stupid affair.
If I had my way, i would have done something. However, in the real world, that means jail. So my kids end up the victims and lose me, and then lend up with a single mom who is basically a magnet for abusers and pedos.

Then I praise your self restraint, my instincts scream (I would do it for you after I read that, just think the urge to vomit that triggered), but I admire it.

Retribution will come some day, I too am avoiding my wife's OM until the day it will be, under my control, on my conditions, my call.
He will walk away physically unscathed, I promise he will prefer he'd got a beating, even if he has no balls for that.

Is no matter here, what matters is that you managed to protect the important people of your life like you know how to do. Keep them away from twisted and sick people. You are the true example of their lives, and nothing else matters.

Does that mean that your plan is to stay married to her until your kids are all out of the house?

Keep in mind friend, she could file.

I deeply sympathize with your terrible situation.