SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have had time to ponder and reread.

Revenger - I have thought that for a while, he won’t be satisfied anywhere as he’s looking for the impossible. A specific hug or a certain face or a certain word doesn’t mean I love him more. I loved him. I really loved him. I did my best. I’m not perfect. But it was genuine. Could we have made it better - hell yes. But I always believed it would get easier as the kids grew.

Superesse - yes he was a sulky child and teenager. He has never stopped. But he hid built up resentments, yet also apparently resented me when I got cross about things and brought them up. Hence his feelings of being unsafe. I tend to get angry, say my piece and move on quickly. I am not a sulker. My way may not be the best way and Ive worked on it. I can think very quickly on my feet too - which he has mentioned he finds hard. It’s likely a skill I have developed from my past.

I think the Unsafe comments are also a bit lame in this context. I have previously been in a very abusive, violent, relationship. I felt unsafe (for my life).

Bluer - yes you may have a very good point there. That statement gets brought up very regularly. You said I’m not partner material.

Now this could be him giving up.

Or it could be sulky why should I bother it’s not getting me what I want. Or why should I bother you hate me anyway.

I may have hit a raw nerve. It’s clearly something he has replayed and is resentful over.

Personally I’d prove me wrong but I’m quite bloody minded.

Pogre (sorry if I spelt that wrong)

I would say "no, but it's definitely one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage relationship..."

Yes I’ve said similar. I’ve also said he could have brought up the issues. He could have kept his values and dignity and separated. But he chose to betray himself, me and his marriage and family by cheating.

He had choices that were valid. Talk to me, if he was still unhappy then Divorce. Talk then Suggest counselling. Put up and live with it.

Cheat - and betray your own values - and damage your marriage and family - strange option. Become a liar. If we split he will be asked ‘why did you split up’.

A fair few good options will run a mile at the truth. So it’s likely you have to continue the lie to date or accept the people who are okay dating cheaters. So to me cheating is a Really odd choice to make if you aren’t happy. Make future relationships harder. That also affects the children.

Better to split and move on with good feeling and dignity.

Cooley2here

Wanting to feel needed.
Highly sensitive to criticism.
Hold grudges.
Feels slighted over things I would have forgotten about by the next day. (Not that I’m right)

I’ve looked at the terms you have listed. I’m not sure he fits the description. But I believe these are the obvious issues.

But he blames me for not making him feel secure. I have just remembered When I caught him he suggested we got a paternity test on our children - although it was heartbreakingly shocking - I said yep fine. As I said I don’t hold grudges.

Following his counselling he and his therapist suggested I was a narcissist, his therapist had never met me. Now I’m happy to be self critical but that made me chuckle to be honest. I didn’t even bother to defend myself. It was very odd. Especially as his counsellor knew he was getting online ego kibbles from a hidden person! I certainly don’t need smoke blowing up my behind from the dunny. I can see why he struggles to go back - however I do think he was using counselling for validation - he admitted this at one point.

I think he had got himself into a mess. Reading strange material online. Demonising me. Blaming me for his poor choices. Drinking too much and hiding it. He was clearly in a bad place.

Any mention of drinking by me was taken as criticism and he was defensive. I knew he was hiding alcohol. And I stopped mentioning it as I was seen as anti fun and he was unpleasant. I’d get upset because I cared. He saw it as me being controlling. I missed us having fun.

The more I look back the more I think I tolerated too much.

I’d like to have something better but that may now be for the children. I won’t start a new relationship - his devious nature means I do not want a new partner in my house with my children ever. They are too precious to me. This situation I am in is dull.

But increasingly I’m thinking why bother. Its taken me a while but I can feel I’m checking out.

One more thought-

He said he really thought we loved each other enough to fix this.

I’m not sure if that relates to before or after getting caught. He certainly didn’t consider the depth of what would happen. And how it would destroy so many aspects of the relationship - from rings, to memories, to gifts and cards, to words, to feelings, to beliefs, past, present and future. But I think the destruction and trickle truth and realisations can be summarised by one line in a song.

‘I don’t love you, like I loved you yesterday’.

And those lyrics no longer make me cry.

He said he really thought we loved each other enough to fix this.

Well, there wasn’t enough love to stop him from making the choices he made.

I also discovered, love wasn’t going to be enough to save our M either.

I absolutely think love is awesome and important, but it is the actions of love versus any kind of vibe or feeling about someone.

After infidelity, actions are EVERYTHING.

Show me, don’t tell me.

Help me, don’t sell me.

The weirdest aspect of trying to rebuild after an A, is BOTH partners need to feel safe to be vulnerable, even the person who caused all the damage.

That, to me, is a big reason R is so difficult.

A WS has to be willing to be vulnerable first, and that isn’t easy. A WS who knows they may or may not deserve a last chance has to risk going all in and it may not be enough.

I think my R had a chance because my wife took the lead on her own work AND the lead in helping repair the relationship.

After a couple YEARS of her consistent actions, I started to believe her — and that’s when the love can help and be a part of the new deal.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 6:57 PM, Wednesday, June 18th]