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I have no idea if that's a realistic fear or not.

As a BH, I can say that the impulse to hurt a wife’s AP is real. The long term perspective of this forum reports that it’s very rare to actually happen. So that means that the risk is fairly low.

But the fear, the emotion, the dread your WH is feeling, that is real enough. That was supposed to be part of what kept him out of another man’s life. Hopefully he will remember this fear next time the itch comes along.

He wanted to keep it secret to save himself, protect her and whatever he thinks they had.

As long as he feels this way, reconciliation needs to be off the table.

What he thinks they had? They both participated in destroying 2 marriages.

Honestly, considering his worry, he's probably most upset that,because her husband knows, it will be more difficult to take the affair underground.

Hopefully this is another dose of reality that will help snap him out of the affair fog.

If your WH is threatening suicide or expressing suicidal ideation, call 911. If the danger is real, then he will get the help he needs. If he's just being histrionic to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and second guessing your decision to contact OBS, he'll be very angry with you but at least he'll quickly put an end to his self-pity party.

If OBS is threatening your WH with harm, your WH should report it to the police and see if he can get an RO. If your WH isn't willing to do this, then he's not actually frightened of the OBS; he's just upset that the OBS is calling him colorful names and that it will be much harder to continue hooking up with OW behind OBS's back.

Lastly, if it turns out that OBS is dangerous and that your husband knew this but slept with OW anyway, consider whether you want to remain married to someone who is that reckless and stupid.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:11 PM, Tuesday, December 5th]

Teal,

Remind him that he can make his choices, but he cannot choose his consequences.

Remind him that he is lucky you are not filled with revenge towards the OW.

Remind him that he is lucky you are not filled with revenge towards the OW.

And that he’s lucky that you aren’t threatening him. Or dumping his cheating butt to the curb. Stand strong here. You are taking your rightful agency back in your life. Enjoy the moment.

Well, OBS wants to meet him after work. I guess we'll find out one way or another.

Hmm. I wonder if that's true. If it were me,I'd be in the parking lot. And I wouldn't let my ws know I was there. I'd want to know if the bh didn't show,and see if my ws comes home and says he was there/made threats,etc.

Your husband hasn't called the police?

I think part of him feels like he deserves to have his face kicked in. I don't know.

I think part of him feels like he deserves to have his face kicked in. I don't know.

If he really thinks that the OBS is a threat, why would he meet him? Feeling like he deserves having his ass kicked isn't a good reason. If he's unable to work, it impacts you and your family.

Sounds like he's not telling the whole story. Find out where and when they're meeting and let the police know about it. And, for the record, I do believe he deserves to be smacked around. Nothing that will cripple him, but a few well-placed open-hand slaps that cause pain and humiliation would oh-just-barely satisfy my desire for retribution. But I'm petty.

[This message edited by 1994 at 9:15 PM, Tuesday, December 5th]

Sometimes it's just that the BH wants confimation of the WWs stories or another perspective.

His WW may be telling transparently stupid lies stonewalling, minimizing, omitting and gaslighting BH.

Given what your WH did to the BH if all the BH wants is the truth then he's getting off easy.

Also the stories the OW told your WH about her BH may just be lies the OW tells herself to justify her affair / affiars?

The BH will be a threat for a long time unless he moves far away or dies these things just don't go away particulaly if the BH believes your WH is indifferent and/or unappologetic.

So, he's throwing himself a pity party.

If he really believed that, he would have told the OBS himself. At the very least, he wouldn't be upset that now that all involved parties know, it would tarnish what he and OW shared.

Seriously. Go to the parking lot. I bet he doesn't show up. And, I wouldn't be surprised if your husband came home and told you he did.

Also..you can bet he's been talking to the OW about these messages from her husband.

I had told him we would get through Christmas and then he could move out.

Does he want to move out or did you initiate that? You haven't give us much detail about the status of your relationship.

He wanted to keep it secret to save himself, protect her and whatever he thinks they had. He can be mad at me. It had to come out eventually. It was the only way to stop the lies.

I'm curious about whether he said this or if you're assuming it. Your last post indicated that things were looking up. Do you mean lies in general, like it all needed to be in the open to heal, or do you mean that he was still lying to you? Was he still in contact with the AP?

Well, you guys called it. He's back and in one piece. It was a tense but respectful conversation and hopefully provided some closure or clarity for OBS. Maybe we are one step closer to R, maybe not. I do know it was the right thing to do and I feel like a bit of a weight had lifted. We will see what happens next.

Thank you for the support through this play by play.

To answer some questions, we were trying to reconcile but I recently discovered that he was still texting her sporadically despite telling me there was no contact. We had initially talked about him moving out to get some space and figure things out, but decided against it when we both wanted to make it work. Since then, he's made a few comments about how maybe he should just move out so when I realized he was still very confused I figured I'd make it easy for him. I have no idea where we stand now, we have so much work ahead of us whether he stays or goes. We both agree that our main focus for the next few weeks is trying to make Christmas as normal as possible for the kids. Then we'll see where we're at.

Ask WH if he lied to the OBS, part of your WHs recovery has to include complete honesty, financial, emotional and sexual.

If he did lie, he won't admit it. I'd call the obs and compare notes.

OBS has already given me a rundown of the conversation so I know that it did happen. Hopefully from here out we can focus on what's between us, and they can focus on what's between them.

Since then, he's made a few comments about how maybe he should just move out so when I realized he was still very confused I figured I'd make it easy for him. I have no idea where we stand now, we have so much work ahead of us whether he stays or goes.

Most of the time when the WS says they want space, it's because the A is still active. You did the absolute right thing by exposing it.

I'm glad he didn't get his ass kicked, physically anyway. I hope he got his emotional ass kicked, though. He needs that.

Sometimes the A is still active, but not always. Sometimes a WS is so mired in shame or fear that they can't ever redeem themselves (2 different motivations) that they want to hide. I'm sure there are other motivations as well.

Tealchicken, based on everything you've written, it's apparent that your WH and OW either intended to continue the affair underground or were planning on coordinating their divorces together, with OW trying to pass off her post-divorce relationship with your WH as "new."

If your disclosure to the OBS has the effect of blowing up their plans and ending the affair for good, don't be surprised if your husband crawls back to you crying about how he wants to save the marriage. At that point, you will need to make the tough decision about whether you want to reconcile with someone who sees you-- at least at this moment-- as Plan B.