SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How could I Do that to a person who devoted her life for me and our family? She's always put me and the kids first.
She was a very beautiful young girl never been kissed. Turned down many friends, a general manager of a big company, an older doctor....to be with me who basically got nothing!
Of course I know I'm a pos already. Maybe it's in my DNA. If she's miserable, unhappy. I'd not want to wait and tell her. But she's happy, very happy. Her life will turn upside down for sure if I tell her now.

Guess what? Infidelity is 100% deal breaker for me. No question about it

Friend, not to come across harsh, you are doing a brave thing even talking here. But I think I speak for all betrayed spouses on here that you being worried about being "nice" to your AP is so immensely misguided. That person is meaningless in your life, and your wife’s worst enemy (even if she doesn’t know it yet). Your wife and children rightfully own all your loyalty. Give it to them.

Please stop the bleeding. Be the brave man who posted his darkest secret here and take the next step in bravery and end the affair. Just block her and never speak to her again. Trust me when I tell you that some day that act will be a comfort to your wife. It’s the sort of thing that just might give you a chance in this.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 2:39 AM, Sunday, July 30th]

So infidelity is a 100 per cent deal breaker for YOU??? So now imagine the deal has been broken - your wife is unfaithful. But you don't find out for years. When was the deal broken - when you found out? I don't think so.

You can crucially increase your chances of either reconciliation and/or damage limitation to your wife by ending your affair, now, writing a timeline of events and telling your wife. Every day this doesn't happen lessens your chances, increases your guilt and the inevitability your wife finds out.

When your wife finds out, do you think it's less painful finding out from you, with full details? Or finding out, like so many of us do, from texts/friends/the affair partner KNOWING your spouse wouldn't have told you?

Broken,

Wake up!

DNA does not cause cheating. Stop being dramatic. Start being accountable.

You love your wife but don’t want to give up your affair. Don’t lie here.

You can’t have both. Which one do you want? Wife or the other cheater? Pick.

There will be painful consequences, you have already inflicted that pain. They just don’t know yet.

You did this, you can own up to this, and try to reconcile by working harder than you ever have before.

I am sure you are terrified, but the longer you wait the harder it will be for everyone.

I wish someone had told my husband to own up to it, be honest. We might still be married.

While you are on your vacation with your family you need to really look at them and see them. It appears that you have never really done this. Think about what your children will feel when they learn what you have been doing to their mother behind her back.

Truly picture your wife looking into your eyes and saying "how could you?". How could you do this to your children. They are completely innocent. They believe in you. They believe their daddy is like all the other good daddies who get up every day and try to help their families. Instead you are going behind their backs and emotionally abusing them. I am sorry to say this. My father cheated on my mother when I was a kid. It is very very hard to forgive. Making justifications for doing this will make forgiving you impossible. So just remember there are no justifications - only remorse.

Try to foster your remorse. It sounds like it has the potential to emerge. Doing this for one year is terrible, but doing it for two years will be far worse. End your family’s pain now.

Protecting your AP is the most cruel move of all. This is someone who has chosen to hurt little children. She does not deserve your protectiveness. Your family deserves that protection. You don’t seem to know it now but your family is the group of people that has your back. They could probably forgive you but only if you act now to protect them from this cruel person who is working together with you to destroy their emotional wellbeing.

How can you treat a person with kindness who is willing to do this to your family. Can you imagine if someone came up and took a baseball bat to your face and kneecaps and then your wife and kids ran to his side to help him and left you bleeding on the ground. You have no idea of the psychological pain you are inflicting.

At the barest minimum of decency you must tell this woman to stay away from you forever. Do not be kind about it - that kindness is a slap in the face to your kids. You don’t need to be mean to her, just tell her to stay away. Tell her you love your wife and children. Some day this will be one of the proudest memories you have. The moment when you stood up for your family…finally.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 3:03 PM, Monday, July 31st]

Married to the best woman in the world (period) for a quarter of century. We have 2 kids, 1 in college and 1 in high school.
Currently in A with a coworker (divorced) with a grown adult kid for a few years and turn PA almost 1 year.
Is it possible to remain friend with AP? Or transfer, quit my current job and absolutely no contact is the only way to go? Is it possible to bring it to the grave without telling my BS? How to be "in love" with her again?
I know I’m bad, really bad

First caveats...I'm going to make some assumptions based on your posts in this thread.

1) You want to put an end to the affair and come back to your wife.
2) Your wife does not much of a clue about what has gone on, but you may genuinely want to attempt reconciliation, but you cannot do that while in an active affair.

No onto your first point of contention, how to end the affair...How are you in touch with the AP? Phone, text, email, snail mail, smoke signals? Whichever method(s) of communication you have, you simply send a message like the following:

Dear AP,

Our relationship is not appropriate and will not continue. I am committing to be with my wife and to work on my marriage. Please do not attempt to contact either myself or my spouse. Any further continued contact attempts made by you will be considered harassment and if necessary, legal action will be taken.

You then take whatever measures are necessary to block and delete the AP as a contact with the end goal of obliterating any and all means that the AP has to be able to reach you. The reality is that once you crossed the Rubicon into a full blown affair, you are no longer able to maintain any form of relationship with her in the future. If she is a work colleague, you should start your job search post haste.

Once you've ended the affair, whether your BW decides to R or D, this group here can help you through the aftermath, but your first priority should be to end the affair once and for all and then begin to work on yourself to fix your own shit. I mean, frankly, we talk around here about whether or not a WS is a good candidate for R based on their actions, and at this point in time, given that you are still in an active A, the only thing you are a candidate for is D as you've already given more of yourself to your fake ass AP than your wife.

Final thought from my story: I live with the knowledge that even though my wife confessed to me, she signed off to her AP with "I love you". And she regrets that now, but it can’t be taken back and it’s a scar on my heart. I can’t tell you how different it would feel if she had said "I love my husband and you are the worst mistake in my life." Come on, friend, see this for what it is and start this day to fight for your wife, your kids, your marriage, even yourself. This is the moment in your life to fight for the good. I pray God gives you the strength to do it.

Thank you. I really appreciate your inputs

I really want to have "the talk" with her one on one but but I guess that’s a bad idea. I think it’s not nice to just completely quit, cold turkey.

You're way beyond the point of being nice. There's nothing nice about any of this.

It wasn't nice to the AP to get into a romantic relationship when you're unavailable and have no plans to leave your W, and it's definitely not nice to your W to betray her. Quit worrying about being nice and focus on doing the right thing and the kind thing. The kind thing would be to definitively tell the AP that you're ending the A and then do it. Don't waver. Don't go back. Don't jerk her around.

As others have said, your focus on being nice to the AP will be seen as a HUGE betrayal to your W, should you decide to confess or should she find out.

My H and I had a HUGE fight about him wanting to go back to a normal coworker relationship with the AP. Her birthday was coming up and he wanted to "be nice" and wish her a happy birthday if they happened to pass in the hall. I demanded that he not talk to her at all and ignore her. We fought about it for days, and then we brought it up in the MC's office. MC told H: You can't treat her like any other coworker because you didn't fuck your other coworkers. It was a lightbulb moment for H, thank god.

I also told him that being so concerned about being nice to her was being mean and cruel to me. Take your pick. Who is it more important to be nice to - your W or the person who participated in hurting your W? Granted, she doesn't know that you cheated, but you can still frame it that way even if she doesn't know. Prioritize your W. Prioritize your integrity.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:12 PM, Monday, July 31st]

WH here who was in almost the same situation as you.

I was still talking to a long-term (over 1 year) EAP while entering month 6 of IC in May 2019. My therapist was working me toward self-confessing to my BW and I was dragging/digging in my feet because I was a flat-out coward at heart back then.

Finally on Mother's Day, I sent EAP a very curt, brief cut-off message. Told her good luck and never contact me again. Then I nuked the chat app and haven't spoken to her since. I was done with the crazy train and started to put in much more effort both at home and in IC.

To say EAP was pissed is putting it lightly, but she sent my wife an "anonymous" letter a week later. My BW sat on the letter for another week or so deciding what she was going to do. The she confronted me with it.

I told her everything. I answered all of her questions and took all of the blows. This went a long way toward our R only I didn't know it at the time. I was just relieved that the insanity was over and everything was out in the open.

However...my BW has stated repeatedly that she wishes I would have just told her without having to find out the way she did. While she appreciates my honesty during the confrontation and the real changes she saw me making, it would have meant much more to her if it would have come from me first.

DO what I did in ending the A and cutting the AP out of your life. DON'T DO what I did and not tell your BW as soon as you can.

I commend you for your bravery in posting. Keep being brave.

How to be "in love" with her again?

BS here. You do not love your wife, or you do not know what love is. You want to fall back in love with her? Stop having a secret sexual, intimate relationship with another woman. Stop living a lie and treat your wife with the respect she gives you. Man up. You know how, and you know you can and you know what the right path forward has to be for you to redeem yourself, and yet you cannot make yourself choose it. Neither could my WH. I found out, he did not tell me and that is another source of pain for me. He can't explain any of his choices but he sure knows now how many bad ones he made and how close he came to total devastation. Maybe you can be smarter.

I would give anything to have stopped one hour or day or year of their Affair, had I known the lie our lives became. Every extra day we spent living that lie is painful even all these years later. The other woman, the infidelity, I could have come to terms with. It was his inability to choose me when he knew it was time to choose that has broken my heart and altered my love for him and our future together. You are at that juncture. It is time to choose.

No matter how many people here advise you to do the right thing, none of us can make you decide to do it and follow through. What are you prepared to do? Who do you want to be? What matters to you most? Answer those questions, act accordingly and if you are willing, let us know what you decide to do, and if you are able to follow through. I'm sorry you are in this mess, but my true sympathies lie with your wife who does not deserve her marriage to involve lies from the person she trusts the most, or a secret stranger competing for your attention in the shadows. I hope you can be the man you wish yourself to be and the man you know she deserves, and I'm guessing the man you used to be.

And yes, please stop with the self criticism. It is a waste of energy and an incomplete sentence. If you truly believe yourself to be a POS, then end the sentence with a desire or a goal to do better... Hold yourself accountable, don't make excuses. It is in no one's DNA to be a cheater, it is just a choice you know is wrong but are trying to justify as not your fault. In time, if you find your way out of this mess, you will see the mental gymnastics you have been playing to let yourself off the hook for your choices.

Ditch the girlfriend unless she is your new soulmate, or let your wife go to have the life she deserves. Give yourself the honorable life you deserve. Get off the fence. Remember what I said about each extra hour or day or year of deception.....they matter to loving and faithful betrayed wives, they matter a lot. Choose carefully and be prepared to live with the outcome.

Where you are now? Living a lie? That's not living. My WH is grateful I found out and ended his affair because he was too weak or complacent or lazy to do it on his own. He knows how close he came to ruining it all and he is grateful to have the chance to live the life we have together now and a chance at the future we had planned, and for our intact family. They mean so much more to him than his nasty, needy, secret girlfriend ever could.

Thank you. I really appreciate your inputs

Have you found your reserve to end things with your AP?

I’m still working on it. It’s so freaking hard.
Thank you. 🙏🙏

Friend

We are all willing to help, but all we can do is make suggestions.
If you aren’t willing to help yourself… well… all I can do is refer to the quote that I have at the bottom of all my posts:
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

What if your wife has her true love out there, and she’s missing out because you can’t let her down easy? Because I don’t think her true love would cheat on her…..

I mean, isn’t it easier to just say you don’t love her anymore, and stay with your AP who gives you all the love you need? Wouldn’t you be happier with your AP if you guys could finally stop sneaking around and make it legit and on the up and up? And if you love your AP, doesn’t she have the right to have her romance with you legitimized?

I just don’t understand why you don’t want to ditch a woman who is clearly not your cup of tea to free her up for some other dude who would appreciate your second choice, and move onto the AP you adore so much you’re risking your reputation and your relationship with your kids.

But I think you probably know the answer to this if you think hard enough…..

First of all, I affirm you posting here. Glad you did so.

Now to this......

Of course I know what’s the right thing to do. I’ve been lurking SI and TAM for years so I know

Unfortunately, you’re talking to a pos who want to make it right his way (for now)

So, you know the right thing to do, but are at complete odds with the "right thing".

I knew a guy who did what you are doing right now. He was successful in business. He and his wife had good careers. She was a beauty and could have been with other men easily, and chose him. He could not bring himself to tell her. Fearless in other facets of his life, a wimp when it came to core integrity and owning his betrayal.

He never came clean. He was diagnosed with a disease that eventually took his life and his betrayal(s) came out after his death.

To say his wife was devastated would be a ridiculous understatement. After staying by his side for all of the treaments, bearing up under a crushing load, then losing him and dealing with the final arrangements and grief of loss.....she finds out when going through his personal effects that he was not the man she thought he was. He was a traitor, a charlatan. Her marriage was a falsity.

From all appearances, this woman aged ten years in a few months. She went from strong, vibrant, and beautiful to broken, frail and weak. Like she had somehow imploded. Sunken, hollow eyes with a thousand yard stare, Know what she said was the worse part of this? It was that he never came clean. She never got to have "the talk". No answers. Just never ending questions and the torment of self doubt. Their kids were devastated as well of course. Plenty of bitter disillusionment to go around.

Your betrayal goes far beyond your selfish dalliance. You are placing a WMD in the middle of your marriage and family, a nuclear land mind if you will, which may well be your legacy, like it or not. You are not in control of all of the details of this thing and you never will be. To think that you are is delusional imo. The only way to have a hope of diffusing this nuke is to own your betrayal and come clean to your wife. Your betrayal and deceit is robbing your wife of her autonomy every. single. day.

You need to be in intensive therapy and lay it all on the table. Tell your therapist what yoar goals are (hopefully): to fill the massive integrity gap in your soul, end your adultery, and come clean to your wife (advise you to do this with your therapist present).

So, thats my best throw at this. I hope you can find the fortitude to follow through and do the right thing here. I truly do.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 9:46 PM, Sunday, August 27th]

Hello. This is literally my first time replying to a post here. I am also a WS, who had a long term AP. (1 yr, 10 mo.)
Everyone here has given you the advice that I wish I would’ve asked for a year ago. I did attend IC and it helped.
If I may weigh in on a couple of things, I’d first say that you should end it with your AP swiftly and take every measure to remove them from your life, then find yourself a therapist and STICK WITH IT!
My BW only ever knew about a EA I had online, a little over 2 years ago. My betrayal hurt her so deeply! She still doesn’t know about an E/PA that just recently ended. I tell you this because I can relate to you not wanting to tell her about the affair. You and I both know what the right thing to do is. Generally I think that a majority of the time, everyone has been right in saying that you SHOULD tell your wife. But I think that you should hear that from a therapist and maybe they can/will help you in telling your spouse. Everyone’s situation is different and as much sound advice as I’ve seen, I don’t believe anyone here is a licensed therapist. I am currently looking for a Therapist for myself. I don’t want to carry this to my grave but given our history with the previous emotional affair, I feel it best to out it with a therapist on hand. JMO.

So, in short… End it completely ASAP, get some help in therapy and stick with it! Then go from there! Feel free to keep in touch.

I am just going to answer your questions and share my thoughts. I am a BW just so you know.

Is it possible to remain friend with AP?

This is a loaded question. Sure, you could stay "friends" with her. But why on earth would you want to? This is NOT a quality person. If you stay "friends" with the ap, you are still actively cheating on your wife, you know 'the best woman in the world (period)'.

Or transfer, quit my current job and absolutely no contact is the only way to go?

If you want to stop the A and figure out a path back to your wife and family and self-respect, then yes, this is the only way to go.

Is it possible to bring it to the grave without telling my BS?

Yes of course it's possible. But if you love her as much as you say why would you want her to have her entire life be a lie? Not to mention that by doing that, you're doing damage to YOU too. Secrets like that will eat you up from the inside out.

How to be "in love" with her again?

Maybe stop cheating on her? There's an old adage about the grass being greener where you water it. Right now you are pouring time and attention into the ap instead of your wife - so of course the ap is going to take precedence in your thoughts. Try refocusing that attention and thought on your wife.

My world will completely turn up side down, no question about it.

Yeah it will. But YOU have a clear view of it. YOUR WIFE'S WORLD WILL BE BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS BECAUSE SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S THREATENING IT RIGHT NOW.

As the time being, I just can’t confess. I don’t want to turn her life upside down. Can’t destroy our "perfect" family we have, as seen by our circle of friends and family members.

Just my 0.02, but you not wanting to confess has nothing to do with your wife's safety and everything to do with you not wanting to deal with the fallout of your actions. I imagine that is very scary, but the decent and right thing to do is to tell your wife before someone else does (cus I guarantee your A is not as secret as you believe). And just saying, but you don't have a perfect family - NO ONE does, seriously.

What I can do now maybe transfer my job to somewhere else and cut all contact.

Yes. Please do this. And tell your wife.

Is it true that I have to confess? There's no other way around?

You don't 'have to' anything. You should because it is the right thing to do. You should because if there's any hope of your marriage surviving this, I promise you that those chances diminish every day you keep the secret from your wife.

Should I have "the talk" with my AP before we end it?

No.

Should I mention about the job transfer to her before I do it?

Also no.

Can you see I still have the tendencies to protect my AP?

Lil bit, yeah.

How could I Do that to a person who devoted her life for me and our family?

This I do not know - and this is the question you need to dig in to.

Guess what? Infidelity is 100% deal breaker for me. No question about it

I... have questions. Clearly infidelity is NOT a deal breaker for you so what does this statement mean for you?

OBM, you say you've been lurking for a while. We have any number of WS's on here that were right where you're at that have managed to regain their footing in their own life. Sometimes the marriage survives and sometimes it doesn't, but the more important part is that they find their way beck to living a life of honesty and integrity. If that is something you want for yourself, start looking to former waywards that post on here and heed their advice and lean on them for support. Your situation is not hopeless, even it feels very scary and out of control right now.

Keep posting, keep reading, and please PLEASE tell your wife - she deserves the truth.

I’m still working on it. It’s so freaking hard.

What seems to be stopping you? and by that I mean, what aspect of it is so hard? You have made hundreds/thousands of choices that lead to you being in a full blown affair and now you need to make maybe half a dozen or so more decisions to end it and reveal to your wife. None of us know how your wife is going to respond when she finds out, and again, I will reiterate, she is going to find out somehow, but history here on SI tells me that those waywards who voluntarily confess and provide the full truth and transparency from the jump stand the best chance of saving the marriage they destroyed with their affairs. If you don't believe me, go read around the JFO or General forums to see betrayed spouses who for days/weeks/months/years begged, pleaded, bargained and tried everything to cajole their wayward to give them the complete and total truth about everything that happened in the affair.

When things are hard, what I recommend is that you start chunking it up. Start with a timeline, start by outlining the major dates you can come up with and the events and then as you start doing the mental checklist, you will remember other things and before you know it, you will have a pretty good draft timeline. Human memory is funny, as you start going through things, your mind will remember details and events that you had memory holed away long ago.

I’m still working on it. It’s so freaking hard.

It's one thing to say that it is so difficult to tell your wife.

It's an entirely different story to say the above while still carrying on your affair.

You've lurked here and on other sites for a long time, yet here you are...the only difference being that the guilt is mounting. Obviously not enough to take any action.

I'm not here to pile on, but I'm not here to pamper you, either. You know how to do the right thing; you just refuse to do so. And it's only going to get more difficult as time goes on.