SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also, we did go on a "date" last night, which we really haven't done in a while. Ate dinner, had some drinks (not too many) talked about things openly, cried, laughed, hugged, cuddled in bed, l made out like we hadn't in too long. May or may not have had really good sex when we came back...I had a feeling deep down that what I was doing was wrong, but the feeling of comfort and safety that it gave me was much needed.

I guess I felt like a drug addict taking another hit. I knew what I was doing was overall not healthy, but the short term gratification of feeling good, outweighed my conscious.

I really hope you used protection bc cheaters don't. Ever.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:48 AM, Sunday, September 4th]

Tiny victory on a long road to recovery? Yay smile

No. You are going to cringe at this in the near future.

She is love bombing you. She wants to get out of trouble. Classic. The only victory will be her actions LONG TERM. Did she write a timeline of her affairs and the many MANY deliberate choices she made to betray you? What is she doing for you? Has she told family or friends what she has done? Has she scheduled counseling for herself to figure out why she would purposefully hurt you again and again? Has she read anything or googled free youtube videos about how to help your partner heal?

She is hyper aware that she can manipulate you. So far, its working.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 7:47 PM, Saturday, September 3rd]

I’m sorry she’s put you through this. She isn’t M material. She’s a fiancé preparing for a marriage and has lied and cheated twice. Regardless what she did on that trip she cheated as soon as she made plans with him.

There is no small victory, she had you as a backup plan, you try to escape and she’s put you back in your box. You need to get pissed off and send her back to Wisconsin.

Sorry but she’s playing you Brother.

This is not a woman I’d recommend you’d ever marry. She has been unfaithful during engagement and has flat out told you not to trust her in the future.

I’d tell her: "it’s clear you are not ready for the commitment we have made and won’t be for a while. So while you work on yourself and what you want, please return the ring I gave you and what it represents. It’s clear we are no longer her exclusive and would take months or even years of hard work on your part to make me trust you and feel safe with you again. I make no guarantees as to what the future holds, but even if you started working on yourself today and went full no contact with this other man, we could not make commitments again with each other for years".

Hopefully she will return the ring. You deserve better.

Notice how she came running back once you started following the playbook?

Please read the Tactical Primer and follow through with all or most of the steps.

R is not for the faint of heart.

But you’re are going to need to call off the wedding.

RUN !!!

Oh God No!
Please do not make the biggest mistake of your young life.

RUN!!
Run like your ass is on fire!

Because IT IS!!!!

So sorry you find yourself here, but honestly, if you were my son, I'd advise you to run and never look back.

She's a serial cheater.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Engagement is the process of two people interviewing each other for marriage.

She has failed horribly. Get out before there's finances and kids involved.

Trust me, you will find someone better.

Please, just don't.
I was with my Ex from the 20-27. He cheated on me multiple times. I could never understand why I never had the strength to leave. We weren't married and had no kids. He really put me through hell, and I willingly followed him through the flames. He finally left me for his fourth affair partner. NC helped me move on, but it took a look time. Even after learning about codependency, I still couldn't fathom why I didn't leave him. I learned about trauma bonding about a year ago, and there it was. It and my codependence held me in a loop with him. Looking back, I wish I had gone into IC, but that is another story!

Anyway, she reeled you back in after your "date" with some classic love bombing. Do some research on trauma bonding.
Good luck! Remember, take it one day at a time and when that is too much take it one moment at a time.

For some reason we always want to give them the benefit of believing them. Nothing happen. We just talked. I went 1000 miles spent two nights and we did have sex.
You now know the type of person you are married too, she wants you to supply her but free to have sex with whoever she wants. Is that the life you want to live. Sharing your wife. If that turns you on so be it. Join a swinging club. Then you get to have sex also, If not leave

Head for zee hills!

Engagement is the process of two people interviewing each other for marriage.

This. Exactly. What you've gotten from her in the past year, that's the best you'll ever get from her. Keep that in mind. If this is her best, what will you endure when you see her worst?

Ok it's my turn to say it like so many before me have. You guys were right, about pretty much everything. I know everything that has happened EVERY excruciating detail. I took the risk last night of reading their messages to each other over the past week and I nearly threw up. But, it taught me a valuable lesson. She doesn't love me anymore, she's given up on our relationship, she isn't the person I once knew. I'm gone, I left, got the ring back even though I don't want the fucking thing. I'm headed back for my hometown where I will do my best to stay positive and try to recover. I just wanted you all to know that even though you possibly didn't want to be right, you were.

I'm going to do my best to make it a clean break, no contact. I need to go up there another time or two to gather the rest of my things, but I will try to do so at a time she is not there. I took no pictures or really any personal items that would remind me of her. I plan on looking into some of the literature that was recommended to me by some of you all, and if I feel the need, I will update or post in the forum.

I'm young and have a long life ahead of me (hopefully). It's time for me figure out who I am and in turn where I want to be in the coming years. I can't imagine looking for another partner right now, I'm not in the right place mentally, but I'm sure that will change. I'm going to try and focus on myself and attempt to provide myself with all of the emotional support and care that I have been given by her for the last 11 years.

Here's to a long, dark, perilous road ahead of me!

It may look like a dark perilous road ahead, but when you get to the top, the views are going to be amazing. Stay the course.

I am sorry this happened, but you really have dodged a bullet. It’s much worse once you have children and real estate and all that involved.
And you ARE young and you will be fine. Give it some time—but you will be fine.

Also, get STD tested — amazing how many have picked up something nasty from their partners here.
Take good care of yourself— exercise, eat well, avoid too much alcohol, drink lots of water. These will help you emotionally and physically.
Consider IC or lots of reading to help you see why you stayed with someone who treated you poorly (no judgement- lots of us did that) and will help you have a healthier future relationship.

Hang in there. You can do this. And your future really will be bright.

Max, I am so sorry this is happening to you.It's for your best interest that you left. I now believe the saying Once a cheater always a cheater.Thanks to my cheating husband.We have been together for 36 years and he is not going to change. The worst part of all of this is when the spouse cheats AGAIN knowing how badly it affected me the last time.I was an emotional mess and yet he willingly chose to hurt me again. I still love him and I don't know why. I filed for a divorce last week and I am looking for a job so I can move away. I don't want to leave, I really want to be with him (Crazy- I know) but I don't know how to rewire my heart or brain. This is slowly torturing me.I am going to leave though. I hope that you get counseling, find group meetings, talk to anyone who will listen. I will pray for you Max. It really sucks to be a member in this Broken Hearts Club. Wishing you all good things Max.

Thank god. After your last post I had an image of you trying to put the pin back in a slippery grenade.

Here's to a long, dark, perilous road ahead of me!

It could be worse. At least you aren’t traveling her path. Without a lot of hard work the best she will manage is a shallow unexamined existence.

I'd say to keep posting on here anytime you need to. Even if it is just to vent.

Right now, there are some awfully powerful chemicals coursing through your bloodstream. And so, even though you have found out that your ex-fiancee is not worth it, you will still feel cycles of extremely intense longing, sadness, loneliness, depression, and anger. That is NORMAL, especially as you and she were together for 11 years.

It is especially important to take care of yourself physically though. Hit the gym--compound movements with heavy weights are great--and eat right....and please go easy on the alcohol. You may be tempted to numb the pain with slothful habits but push by that. Even a quick workout when you just get in some sets those times when you really don't feel like working out, is invaluable. The goal isn't perfection, not by any means, just a reasonably healthful lifestyle.

And meanwhile, your ex-fiancee was NOT worth it. If she really wanted out, she didn't need to go behind your back and cheat. She had a bunch of other options. She certainly didn't need to lie to you straight-faced about stopping her affair after the fact. She could have told you her feelings. She, if she really wanted to be single and wasn't ready to settle down, could have given you the respect of an upfront breakup, the respect you DESERVED.

A mentor of mine says that basically NO ONE gets to 35 unscarred. You had an awfully rough breakup, but you are young. The world is full of great women, far better than your ex who threw your relationship away.

Keep the faith and one foot in front of the other. It WILL get better.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:02 AM, Wednesday, September 7th]

I'm gone, I left, got the ring back even though I don't want the fucking thing. I'm headed back for my hometown where I will do my best to stay positive and try to recover. I just wanted you all to know that even though you possibly didn't want to be right, you were.

Sell the ring or keep it for someone worthy of it, as others mentioned your whole life is ahead of you, you really dodged a bullet here, don't forget to get tested for STDs. Just curious what was her reaction when you asked for the ring back ?