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Gently, the term 'practice the 180' is apt. No one does it perfectly at first. You have to practice it - start, make a mistake, restart, make a mistake, restart, and so on.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this, especially in this season of good will.

so. Last night you stayed home stressed and worried and depressed and had to take care of the kids as best you can.

You do not have to do this every night while your wife whores it up free of her parental responsibilities.

She has an obligation to parent as well, and it's time she starts learning that.

I suggest you take some time for yourself and get out of the house for a bit.
Go to the gym and run on a treadmill... go to a friends house and cry, do something besides sitting at home in hell.

Swoned is right.

Get a hotel room for the night. Order in some good food. Relax. Give yourself some space. Tell her,after you've left,so you can avoid any tantrum. Don't tell her where you are. Tell her you will not be responding to any messages, unless it's an emergency with the kids. Make it clear that you will skim the messages,and anything that's not about the kids,won't get your full attention. Tell her you need some time to yourself.

She will think you're with another woman. Cheaters like to think everyone is cheating. It makes them feel better about their actions. What she thinks is irrelevant. You need a night of self care.

One of the best things I did for myself was get a hotel room for the night. I came home the next day, with a clear head,and feeling stronger.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:51 PM, Friday, December 22nd]

I just want to say I am so sorry you are here. I know you are scared and exhausted.

Our stories are very similar. I was a young dad, just 34 when infidelity hit me.

I too thought of suicide-very detailed. My IC said it would always leave that door open for my sons. "Dad took that exit, so I can too."

I say this to plead with you not to entertain suicide thoughts. You need to be there to protect your two babies!! YOU are also important, and worth loving. You will find love-from your parents, your kids, and probably a lady worthy of a great guy like you.

Also, document, document, document. She stays with AP till 2, and you watch the kids, document. Prove you are the better father.

You are one hell of a dad. You will get through this, and you will get your kids through this. You will forever be changed, and so will they. But you have each other.

FYI-my sons were 5 and 3. Today they are 30 and 28, and they are my best friends.

If you want to DM me, I am happy to correspond.

PS-on the 600 pounds, can you borrow from parents, friends, siblings? Can you get an advance on pay?

InkHulk posted:

I 100% relate to what you said about wishing she would just make the decision,

Brlywtr – she HAS made her decision. She made that decision when she ignored your original ultimatum, when she decided to go to him the other night, the moment she decided that it wasn’t just to talk but to go out, the minute she decided that going out also meant going back to his place and…
To me the key issue right now is what YOUR decision should be. To me R or D is not the key issue, but whether you want to remain in infidelity. I have already shared three paths (of which IMHO only one is an open option for you).

Friend – Remember you are dealing with a marathon, not a sprint.

It’s Saturday. Take your kids out. Preferably to a park or playground. Spend at least 2-3 hours with them in fresh air. Let them have junk-food for lunch. Visit with their grandparents… It’s fine that today is not spent on talking about your WW affair.
Your wife wants to come along… well… that’s OK but I would probably suggest she spend the day finding a mattress or deciding if she simply wants to move to OM house.

Don’t worry – your problems will the there when you turn back. Only – if you take time for yourself – your ability to deal with your problems improves.
It’s fine and immensely important you take time out for yourself, your healing, your rest, your nutrition. I want to make some suggestions to help you do that:

Number one two and three: Hydrate and eat. Two things we tend to ignore but are key to our physical ability to cope. Stay away from booze except maybe an occasional pint in company with friends. Start each day with a big glass of water. Rehydrate over the day. Consciously eat. Like – make certain you have something more than a cigarette and coffee for breakfast and lunch. Healthy would be best, but for now the focus is more on energy than health. No appetite? Go buy one of those powders’ bodybuilders mix in milk or water and gulp down a glass 2x a day. Eat an apple or a banana… Just make sure your energy-tank is full.

Get sleep. IMHO the best way to ensure sleep is by being physically tired. Take walks, jog, the gym, work like a maniac… whatever you can do physically to become tired.

There is no rush on the formal process. Even if you had 600 quid you can’t file and get it over with in a day. The key-factor now is for you to work on your physical and psychological well-being, to help you deal with the storm ahead in the best way possible.

You are right thank you, I just need a day off from it today.

Thinking of you mate, I (and many others here) know exactly what you are going through, and the desolation and confusion you are feeling. It will pass, channel it into purpose and healthy anger.

As Bigger said, concentrate on your kids but make sure you look after yourself too. Make sure you eat.

To carry on the way she is, and only days before Christmas, shows that she is well and truly lost in the affair fog.

This all seems very spontaneous and frankly weird; with what you know now, do you think this is her first rodeo? Personally, a lot of puzzle pieces fell into place for myself about my ex-wife's previous behaviour in the months following D-Day, and I realised pretty quickly that she certainly had a pattern of odd behaviour that I likely didn't pick up on prior. Anyway, something to think about in due course.

I also want you to know that you had NOTHING to do with your wife's poor decision making. As the saying goes, you were both responsible for 50% of the marriage, she is responsible for 100% of the affair. Keep your chin up mate, this isn't your fault one iota.

Bigger is absolutely correct.

You have to take care of YOU. Never let another human have enough power over you to the point that you lose the most valuable thing you have... YOUR HEALTH.

There is a reason the airlines tell the adult passengers to put their oxygen masks on first before taking care of their children. Since you will probably end up as the primary caregiver of your children until they reach adulthood, you have to make sure that they have at least one responsible adult to care for them.

You have the power within to get through this mess of infidelity and get to the other side. You will be so much wiser when you get there.

Good luck.

You are right thank you, I just need a day off from it today.

Understood. Hope you can invest this day exclusively in you and your kids lives. Your well being is paramount.

Strength, clarity and determination to you sir.

Brlywtr – she HAS made her decision. She made that decision when she ignored your original ultimatum, when she decided to go to him the other night, the moment she decided that it wasn’t just to talk but to go out, the minute she decided that going out also meant going back to his place and…

This is 100% true, AND she is continuing to cake eat and thinks she can string you along. When I was in your shoes and feeling like I wished she would make the decision, it meant that I wished she would tell me clearly that we were divorcing and then she would make it happen. So she has made the choice but is also trying to keep you on the hook as fall back and day care. You are so damn much more than that, don’t ever submit to that. She’s killed the marriage, you just need to acknowledge it inside yourself and start the paperwork.
My heart just breaks for you. I hope you can find some rest and peace today and this Christmas. You will be happy again, just take it one day at a time.

I am going to reiterate what I said earlier. Don’t do anything right now. It’s a holiday. Your kids are probably so excited about it. The only thing you can do is get yourself and those kids out of the house. Surely there are places you can go to see the sights. Spend all day doing that today and all day doing that tomorrow. Go wherever you can where she is not. The less you see of her and less you think about her the healthier you will be. Once everything opens back up get the first best lawyer you can find and do what needs to be done. That might be in just a day or two or that might be in a week or two, but for whatever you do right now, it’s the holidays. Go enjoy them with your children.

Hang in the there brother...

Make it thru Xmas, and then get the divorce ball rolling, taking control of the situation will make you feel like you are in control of the shit show.

When I let my/our friends know what was up they all were very supportive and some shared their own horror stories.

Detatch from her...in the words of a song she is "Somebody that I used to know"

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:48 PM, Saturday, December 23rd]

So sorry Brlywtr ,
she has made her decision it’s over ,and quite frankly why would you even want to be associated with someone who would treat another person like this .
Even if it all fell to bits with this arsehole ,why would you even contemplate taking her back .
When your kids are older and they were in this position do you really think you would be doing them any favours telling to follow this path ?
I get it you are probably thinking he is going to swoop in and take over from you as the doting father , as a young boy when my parents went through a divorce my father was my father and the other guys were an irrelevant part of my life even when they were pretty decent men ,my Father was my Father .Do not let your wife have any inkling about suicidal thoughts she will use them against you ,confide in trusted friends or family people on your side .
Speak to the Samaritans if you really need help
tel 116 123.
Your wife isn’t your friend ,do not confide in her ,in fact ignore her she is gone .
Uk based here

Please don't be Plan B.

She's having a good time right now. Once that man realizes his good time comes with kids,bills,and responsibility, he will probably dump her. A man who lives with mom and dad,at his age, isn't a responsible man. He's in it for the fun. Once it get real,he will be gone.

He's in it for the fun. Once it get real,he will be gone.

THIS!

Is he really gonna want a single Mom with a history of cheating? Hell no!

Most likely, she’ll come slithering back to her plan B: You.

Think long and hard before you welcome her back.

Or he'll just keep receiving the free sex he's getting while it's on offer.

She's allowed to go out until 2 am because she's got a babysitter, he's getting free sex.

Folks triggering because the OP is going softly softly whilst simultaneously posting his wife is going out for sex.

Hopefully not on Christmas day.

How are you holding up? Is your wife still in affair fog?

[This message edited by Dennylast at 12:55 PM, Tuesday, December 26th]

Got through Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

Christmas Day she was still texting him all day, whilst we were with family. Very low disrespectful behaviour.

She didn't come on Boxing Day due to illness.

Got back and we had a chat, and we've basically split up.

Apparently I'm now over bearing and miserable, and I've been miserable for the last 12 months. So she's using my depression as the fault for the affair.

She can't just turn her feelings off for him, but seems to have been able to turn them off for me nice and easily.

She wanted me to just wait until their affair fizzled out but thinks maybe they could be happy together.

I'm at a loss, she's throwing away stable family life with her dream home, to go with an ex druggie with no home, banned from driving, and is a tradesman who flits between different employers so no set income.

It will all end in tears, we ALL know it, but I guess she has to make her own mistakes in life.

Her family are going to hate what she is doing, so I fully predict in 6 months time she will be single, possibly pregnant, and have a family that look down on her.

I have tried absolutely everything and put myself through absolute torture these last few months.

I can walk away with my head held high, be the best Dad I can for my beautiful kids, and try and move on the the next chapter of my life.

Thanks for all of the advice and support, it's been genuinely appreciated and taken on board as best as I absolutely could.

You all knew what would happen, but I had to fight for my marriage and my family. I had to make my own mistakes.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone, here's to 2024.

Very sorry that your M is ending in this manner. Accept no blame for your WW’s cheating. Your M didn’t fail. Your WW did. It is common for a WS to blameshift and rewrite your marital history. She cheated because she wanted to do it. You are not to blame. She has a character flaw that allowed her to cheat and break her wedding vows. You were in the same M and didn’t cheat. Take care of you and your children. Get the best attorney you can afford and file for D. Document the times she abandons the children or doesn’t visit.

Most importantly go no contact except for child arrangements and D matters, finance and such, and then in writing. Focus on you and your children. Go gray rock and do not engage or argue with her. No contact means no new hurts. People here will attest that at this stage no contact is best. Get into IC for you. Rely on friends and family. If you feel it will help, expose her cheating. Do not let her control the narrative. You are moving on to a better life. Good luck.

Again, so sorry you are having to face this, but as I said, someone has to be the morally responsible adult in the room and that has fallen wholly to you.

Dont buy one ounce of the blame shifting bullshyt shes peddling. Its an old ploy to salve whats left of her seared conscience. Its pathetic really. I pity her.

To this:

I can walk away with my head held high, be the best Dad I can for my beautiful kids, and try and move on the the next chapter of my life.

I say yes. Yes you can move forward into the next chapter of you life with your head held high.

Listen, I too was betrayed with young kids at home. It took me a long time to detach and work through the trauma recovery as my betrayal was with my first wife and erstwhile "best friend". As I entered my own "new chapter" I built a whole new life with an amazing woman, also a survivor of a brutal betrayal, and my children are doing very well having built lives and families of there own along with solid careers. I could not see this new reality back then. Couldnt even glimpse it being so punch drunk, but, over time, build it I/we did.

And so will you.

Godspeed sir and keep posting.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 11:03 AM, Wednesday, December 27th]