I noted 11 comments that I wanted to respond to and then came to this:
I’m 5 months out from D-Day 2, of course I think she’d lie to me, trust is being rebuilt. I have asked the deal breaker questions, multiple times. I am going to ask the questions to help me move forward, I just dread it. Help me again see what is wrong with any of that.
OK.
Well, at maybe 9 months out, my W told me it took her 5 months to begin to be remorseful (i.e. willing to change). Further, it was only after that, she said, that she saw her A as a garden-variety sordid A. So that's what's wrong with ... wait! Now, how do I demonstrate what he's doing wrong ...?
At 5 months I believed that everything that my W had told me about her A (including that I knew all) was true even while I thought she might lie again. I had no trouble and see no internal conflict between believing what someone said during a specific period on a specific topic and not trusting that they were committed to being truthful.
This thread reads like you're scared of the truth, but you don't think she'd give it to you anyway.
I think that may be true. If it is, you're doing yourself a disservice. If it's not true, you're guilty of not writing exactly what you mean. Personally, I've BTDT, so that makes at least 2 of us.
You should not trust someone who tells you 'it's not wise' for you to be asking questions you need to know answers to
But IH doesn't trust his W....
--and who will only answer tough questions when called out by MC
your wife knew if this question was asked in MC,she would be told to answer it. So why put it off?
My W asked me to defer several questions to MC sessions during year 1. She wanted the support of her IC/our MC when she revealed the answers. I didn't fault her for that - I got the answers, and I doubt either of us suffered any damage for waiting.
And, you DO NEED to get out whatever other secrets WW has with OM even if you don't feel the want to do so. Your WW CANNOT have any secrets with OM when this process is done. That is like a warm ember in the asses, it needs to be put out cold.
I disagree with this, because I'm sure stuff went on between everyone's WSes and their aps that the BS doesn't know about. You just can't know everything. I think it's best for BSes to ask what they want to know.
After d-day, my W heard that she should tell me of new memories about the A, so she did, as the memories occurred. Nothing she remembered moved me. That's just me, though. I don't know how IH would respond.
I personally will now be more suspicious of everyone in the world, that will be a legacy of infidelity to me.
Really? You sound like someone who usually checked out what you were told, even before the A.
*****
NOTE: I'm not saying R is in the bag for IH. I can't predict my own future, much less someone I know only from posts on the 'net.
I'm just saying that IH may be looks to me as if he IS on his healing path and possibly on the path to R, too.
He's not doing exactly what I did. That might be a giant problem ... if he were me.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:33 PM, Saturday, November 11th]