SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a while since I posted and we are over 4 years post Dday. We are doing well and I am getting ready to retire at the end of the year. My wife has shown her love for me in many ways, more than she ever has. I have made changes too, they were small and easy but needed. One thing that troubles me is her silence when the subject of her past comes up. It's like having a conversation with myself. She goes quiet and changes the subject. She has never been big on vulnerability and putting her feeling into words but it's gotten worse. I feel as if shame and guilt and being vulnerable with some self-preservation is behind this. Her actions are good but she is terrified to talk about it. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Lost1313

It’s a fear she has that you may decide to leave her.

And it’s very common cheater behavior too. So you are not alone.

We are 13 years from the year from hell and while the topic doesn’t come up much — I know my H will respect my need to discuss but he doesn’t really want to — he’d rather just forget it. I know he worries about its impact on us but then again, it’s something cheaters never consider.

It’s funny how as a betrayed, we expect the person who caused the damage to fix it and help us heal. But in reality there is only so much the cheater can do and then it becomes up to the betrayed to heal - however they can.

In terms of conversation— are you re-hashing things you already know or seeking new info? That could help us understand the situation better.

I know for me personally (also 13+ years past Dday1 and 5 years past Dday2...same affair just trickle-truthed) I think it's a matter of her feeling like she's run out of things to say without recognizing that there's more than "sorry" that can be said in a conversation. I think fear and shame play a role as well for those that want to R. My wife is doing all of the right things but inevitably a trigger or something else will bring the A back up and it does get uncomfortable when the conversation is 1-way. I feel like I'm scolding a child instead of having a conversation. We've talked about that and it has improved but I think you have to get to a point in the grieving process where they feel like you've moved past the anger stage to feel entirely comfortable having a "conversation". I realized during my last therapy session that I'm probably there. I put in a more recent post that my "anger" now is more about the AP living his "best life" with no fallout from this but that's a different topic all together. I really think it's a matter of making your spouse comfortable in a conversation (I'm not leaving you, I'm past the screaming and yelling and crying, I just want to tell you how I'm feeling type of environment). We've progressed to the point where I was able to tell her that if she recognizes a trigger, a simple hand squeeze or a hug is helpful and sometimes all I need. She now does that. If it's more complicated than that to where a conversation is needed, she's still struggling with that part as it sounds like yours is as well. I think in some ways they feel like they don't deserve the comfort, time or respect to have the conversation. I say this only about those that are truly navigating R with some level of success. You see many posts on here where the partner simply doesn't give a f%&$ and I'm thankful we've not ended up like that yet. I'd rather be dealing with this then the opposite when choosing R. No easy answer but time and effort. I wish you the best and hang in there.

I’ve experienced the same with my FWH. It seldom comes up now, 7 years out. We were having a discussion about finances - we have a business together. I wasn’t clear about something and wanted him to carve out some time to sit down and show me. He had forgotten about the A. And said something offhand about me trusting him. I do trust him….but I’ll never trust anyone blindly ever again. It dawned on us both in that moment that he has blind trust in me….and I can’t have that for him anymore. It is sad. He’s also not very vulnerable, but I am glad for the work we’ve done together. When the A killed our first marriage, we built a much better one….but it still has lasting effects.