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H had online relationships with a couple women thru a cheaters app. Then one of those online relationships became an in-person one, which led to a year-long affair. 46 days ago my life blew up when H disclosed everything. We’re doing CC and trying to put our relationship back together, but everything feels so tainted now that I know he went to some of the same places, did some of the same things that he did with me. He gave her massages and foot rubs and made special meals for her, which I thought were special things he did just for me. I can’t stop thinking about those things. How can I move past this?

First off...WELCOME to the BEST club that you never wanted to be a part of .

How can I move past this?

Wow...46 days...this is so early in your trauma recovery (((HUGS))). You made an amazing first step though...you reached out. Kudos for that! I could barely make it out of bed that early out of Dday.

It seems like your H did these same things to her because it was what was familiar to him. He maybe knew that these things made you feel special...and his goal may have been to make her feel the same way so that he could get in her pants. My H did similar things...such as holding her hand...saying certain phrases...etc...to do just that. It worked. It is hard to understand because NOTHING makes sense about affairs...but my H said that it wasn't a slight to ME...he just wanted to do what he knew worked. He now sees things differently...but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I can't write for anyone else...I can only write about MY experience. My H confessed also to his A and gave me the details I wanted to know which it seems your H has done for you as well. I knew what happened...and there was nothing that could UNDO what was done. I decided that even though these things were very triggery...I was going to OWN...or take back...every trigger. I took back EVERYTHING! For instance...when it came to hand holding...there was NO WAY I was going to let him have that memory of holding her hand LAST. They would hold hands with their fingers intertwined. Even though that wasn't the way WE held hands...I deliberately did it that way in order to OWN it .

My H had his A while working overseas...so there wasn't a place where we could go so that I could OWN places. But another BW on here wrote how she had her H bring her to places that they went. She even sat at the same table and in the same seat where her H told her the adultery co-conspirator sat. She took her time...looking around the place...and she was able to calm down and not let that place trigger her anymore! It may not work for everyone...and that is fine if you don't want to take on these triggers . We ALL heal from this in different ways...and you will one day find what works best for you .

Feel free to write on here as much as you want . Sometimes ranting and raving helps the most at this phase of recovery. The General Forum is the place to go for that. Waywards on here are asked to not post in a thread where a Betrayed is ranting. Sometimes it is a little too raw to read posts from them. But there are some pretty awesome Waywards on this site who have invaluable insight that can help a lot . You will get a LOT of insight and advice on here!! Some of it will HELP...and some...not so much. What works for one person may not work for someone else. So just take the advice that will HELP you...and leave the rest .