SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I lost my spouse, last year. She died in a car accident. I had and still am having a difficult time with her death.I was referred to Psychiatrist for treatment and medication. I was very depressed,had significant survivors guilt. Endless questions and what if’s. After about three months of treatment , I was able to pull it together and was able to initiate daily activities chores and housekeeping. It was at that time that I found a journal of hers. It was tucked deeply behind a bookshelf. I was just trying to do some dusting .I opened it and there in her hand writing was about 50 pages all hand written. Dating from 25 to 15 years ago. (We had been married 35 years at the time of her death). The most recent entry was a recap of a conversation between her and a longtime girlfriend ( also now deceased) She goes on to confess to her friend,that she had ,had an affair. And that I must never know about it. The other pages go onto her meeting with and her connection and exchanges with her AP. It was like a complete blindsiding of me. I could not believe this was happening. I have still not come to grips with her death and am now facing the reality that our marriage had already died well over 25 years previously. Hell if it was so important that I never know of the affair, why did she keep it? Was it to punish me? Did she just not care. I am so confused and baffled. Maybe this did happen over 20 years ago , but to me It just occurred. I have no idea on how to process this or deal with it. Anyone I could question is dead. I don’t even know if I want to be buried with her. The only good thing is that it has made getting rid of her belongings and memories a hell of a lot easier.
I,m writing this in hopes that maybe someone has any insight or recommendations as to the emotional processing and coming to terms that I feel like my life was a big lie and mistake. Thank you

Sorry,

Your situation seems similar to me to long dead affairs a spouse finds out about decades after it ended, but the cheater is still married to their betrayed spouse.

This also poisons all their memories and makes the betrayed spouse feel like their marriage was fake.

I can say I didn't realize my WW had an affair until 20 or so years later. And I felt powerless like I was the victim of a scam and that my WW never really wanted me for. all that time

Can you contact the other man to get his story or his wife or so from that time

There have been several stories on here of a similar nature, and hopefully some will post their experience. You have suffered a double trauma with the loss of your WW and then finding out about her infidelity. Take care of you. See an IC to help with the trauma. It is especially painful when you will never get answers to your questions or any closure. Time will help. Sending strength and support.

MM,

Do you have children get DNA done

Perhaps she deeply regretted the affair and realized it was a mistake.

Is there anything in the journal where she writes about having remorse or regret?

She may have kept it from you b/c she didn’t want you to D her because she chose to cheat. She may have realized she really did love you and just didn’t want to come clean.

How do You feel about how she treated you through all those years?

Do you feel the secret she held degraded your relationship and perhaps the relationship was functional but not romantic?

Perhaps she deeply regretted the affair and realized it was a mistake.

Is there anything in the journal where she writes about having remorse or regret?

She may have kept it from you b/c she didn’t want you to D her because she chose to cheat. She may have realized she really did love you and just didn’t want to come clean.

It is possible.

It is very painful what you are going through.

She had some friends, they probably know about it, you need peace of mind and to figure out if she really lied to you about loving you or not.

I don't believe it is the case, most of the time cheaters do love their partner, is the character flaw that brings them to the affair and then shame and avoidance of accountability that made them keep the lie that posions everything instead of giving a chance to clean the slate and restart fresh.

She might have loved you but the shame was keeping the lie alive.

And this stupid choice is now poisoning her memory, something that if she were alive she would suffer like she suffered her mistake, still consequence of the same character flaw choices.

You need this piece of mind, perhaps it was not all that bad. Try to think who you can speak to, to share this journal.
You will maybe able to get clarity, it will help you to move forward.

If it "was that bad", then will help you forgot the pain. If it was a choice she regret, perhaps it will give you room to forgive her.

I know finding out means "it happens now", that's what the cheater never understand.
But think about what wife wrote, you need to protect your emotions now, from the spiral of betrayal.

We are hear to hear you.

I'm very sorry for your losses.

Will you say more about her A(s)? Was it a long term A,10 years of serial cheating? 2 As widely separated in time?

Being betrayed is traumatic. The cure is in the way you talk to and think about yourself. You didn't cause your W to conduct an affair (affairs?). She did not betray you because of who you are; she cheated because of her own issues. A good IC/therapist can help.

MM25

My sympathies on the loss of your wife.

Finding out about betrayal years later carries its own set of issues. Finding out after their death would be even more devastating. The inability to question your WS would be excruciating painful.

There are no answers that will bring you peace. I would recommend you find a therapist who can help you navigate this hell.

I'm so sorry.

My guess is she didn't leave the journal for you to find. She was just complacent and took it for granted that she would always be around to protect it.

Max -

Sorry for your loss and that you had to find us here at SI.

I understand some of your pain — my wife planned to take the secret of her A to her grave, but 18-years after it all, she changed her mind and confessed.

First off, you are exactly right, it does NOT matter how long ago the A was, the pain is new and very real.

Your anger is righteous and well earned.

The reality of your M doesn’t match what you thought it was, but it does not make your life a lie.

You loved your wife with the best information you had at the time and honored your end of the deal.

As to why my wife did not tell me — it was primarily to avoid hurting me — or at least that was her best rationalization.

Cheating is universally wrong, so people who make that choice tend to come up with series of rationalizations to make their choices make sense.

You know she stayed, and you know she didn’t want to hurt you with the truth.

The rest of it she can no longer explain or apologize for, and that adds to the pain in the now.

The endless questions and what ifs you had for survivors guilt are very similar to surviving an A.

Both the accident and the A are not your fault.

A’s happen mostly due to the WS and their inability to value themselves or cope or in need of external validation in an unhealthy way.

If your psychiatrist helped at all with the loss, maybe visit them again to help you start to heal from discovering the A.