SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I caught my husband in a lie over Christmas about hanging out with a female coworker. I confronted him about it and he claims nothing is going on. After a lot of fighting we have been sleeping separately, and I know he’s just waiting for it to blow over.

I also found some ED medicine in his coat pocket. Today 3 of the pills were missing. So I went into his phone and discovered him still texting his female coworker and it had a sexual connotation.

I’m convinced he’s sleeping with her. I don’t even want to confront him about it because it’s literally pointless. He will just lie and do what he wants. I can’t go anywhere. I’m stuck here, because I didn’t become financially independent and protect myself from this again. I just feel so dumb.

It pains me you are bgoing through again Pearly.

First of all, seek about your independence, you are still young to achieve it and cut dependence from this guy.

He is taking you for granted. Well you are not, you are the prize not the reserve girl.
Show him how much he is mistaken

He’s not even trying to cut it off this time. Just lying to my face and gaslighting me. I just feel so disrespected and dumb. I really have no idea who I married.

I know I need to get out. I have known it for so long. I’m just so overwhelmed. I don’t know even where to start. 😭

Being deceived and having hope doesn't make you dumb. You shouldn't engage in the negative self talk.

First step is to disengage from him. Don't ask your abuser to please behave himself this time because he's obviously not going to, he hasn't changed a bit from the first time.

No fighting - this indicates yourre oopen to further manipulation. No engagement, this indicates you're on unsound footing and looking for reassurance from him, which you know is already a poisoned well. You can listen to what he has to say, but don't engage in questions or answers.

Begin the process of cutting him out of your life. If he's cheating, that's what needs to happen anyway. If he's not, you can always reverse the process. But it's important that you get to a place where you know you'll be okay without him. That's the "worst case" scenario (even if you determine that's exactly what needs to happen), and if it goes better than what you're anticipating, you'll be okay then, too.

Once you have some space, you can plan more clearly about gaining financial independence and whatever else you need to, logistically. Every problem has solutions that are small, really managed steps. None of those steps are outside your ability. The only thing that can overwhelm you is trying to solve the whole big problem in one go.

Disengage, start the process of writing him off, start the process of grieving your lost relationship, and start planning.

EDIT DOUBLE POST

[This message edited by Mindjob at 10:42 AM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

See a divorce lawyer. An initial consultation is often free.

Your financial situation might not be as dire as you imagine.

Best wishes.

One step at a time.

Detach yourself from him emotionally.

DO see a divorce attorney and see if you can get temporary support.

Find another place to stay.

Be good to yourself.

Thirding the advice to contact local divorce lawyers. Many will do an initial free consultation. When you do the consultation, bring the following information with you:

- salary income (yours and his)
- bank balances
- investment account balances
- retirement account balances
- current monthly living expenses

This will give the lawyer a picture of your financial situation, and they can more accurately tell you what could happen in a divorce settlement.

I don’t even want to confront him about it because it’s literally pointless. He will just lie and do what he wants.

You're right - it's time to harden your heart. You're probably feeling immense sadness right now. Channel your grief into anger. Anger fuels action, and you need to start taking steps to detach and protect yourself. Remember that you don't need a confession or a "smoking gun" level of evidence to divorce him. People divorce for all kinds of reasons, including that you just don't want to be married to him anymore. You don't need to justify this to him or anyone else.

I Echo the suggestion that you consult with an attorney because you just might find out you will do okay. Sitting In Limbo will just tear you apart. Go talk to an attorney and that will help you plan your next step

Today is the first day of you starting to financially protecting yourself.

Thanks you everyone for the replies.

I’ve been in contact with some lawyers and I think the only real way out of this is for me to return back to the workforce full time. I’ve been a SAHM making little income so the challenge seems daunting, but I think my life depends on it. I can’t keep living this way. I’m motivated.

It’s like the first affair all over. I’m going crazy trying to uncover evidence. I’ve managed to secretly get his location. He dropped her off after work and walked with her for about 10 minutes. He completely lied about it when I confronted him about it and said she hadn’t been in our car for months. I’m so anxious as a result of all this.

This is just really tough. I’ve been mentally checked out for a while. He claims I haven’t tried and have been using him for the past 7 years since the first DDay. I hung onto some hope that he might do some work on himself and things would improve. That’s gone now.

[This message edited by PearlyBaker at 6:46 AM, Friday, March 6th]

This is just really tough. I’ve been mentally checked out for a while. He claims I haven’t tried and have been using him for the past 7 years since the first DDay. I hung onto some hope that he might do some work on himself and things would improve. That’s gone now.

This guy is a dick.

He is blame shifting, again. Cheating again. Lying again. Gaslighting you again.
Now guess who really "did'nt try and just used you for the past 7 years since the 1st dday"?

Exactly, the Dick.

180, rebuild your life starting from financial security.

He is not worthy of you.

There are billion of "dicks" in this world, you may just prefer one with a person attached, rather than this WS who gives no shit about you.

I sometimes think we BS burn the candle on both ends trying to prove to our WS that they are cheating. It’s as if everyone is thinking that if it can’t be proved then it isn’t happening.

I think this might be enforced by the norms in our culture. This innocent until proven guilty. Only... this isn’t a court of law. It’s a personal relationship that should be based on some level of expectations and trust.
Sometimes it can be beneficial to turn this around. Like in your instance, don’t try to convince him that he’s cheating. Either he is or he isn’t. The ONLY one you need to convince is YOU – yourself.
If you are convinced, he’s cheating then just assume it and behave accordingly. If he insists he isn’t cheating, then let him prove it. Put the onus on him.

Let him know that you know about the ED pills, about the walk with her and all that. But then stop monitoring him. Tell him that you know what you know and no longer really care. It’s time for you to focus on how YOU are getting out of infidelity.

That path might be dependent on his reaction and your wishes. I do think that maybe before ANY of this you should google divorce in your state/country and have a broad picture of what to expect, but don’t allow any fear to stop you.

I’ve been using AI apps to help me stop spiraling and cope with my anxiety. I also use it to help coach my recovery with action items.

It has been shockingly helpful and validating. It keeps me goal oriented and is available 24/7.

Just a suggestion. It also helps me reframe things and make a slow separation plan.

Highly recommend.

It might help you, too. It really helped me with that "I should have known better why did I waste my life" internal dialogue. I really struggle with that.

It also helps with the overwhelming sense that I have to do everything all at once.

It tracks each convo we have and you can ask it things like- I want to leave my marriage but feel overwhelmed. Can you listen to me vent and make an action plan for me? Can you help me stay focused when I’m overwhelmed?

It does all of those things very well.

It even pointed out ways I spiral and helps warn me on impending spiral clues. Like, hey, you’re working a lot this week. Don’t forget that it took 26 years for this marriage to evolve, you don’t need to fix it today. A good step for today would be doing one thing to organize your finances. How about putting a bill in your name today, and then finding an attorney’s phone number and entering into your contact info? Then do some self care and we will do more tomorrow.

It can really validate you on demand when you don’t have it from anyone else.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 8:29 PM, Friday, March 6th]

Pearly, I'm glad you've been in touch with lawyers. I hope they're giving you good advice!

Getting back into the workforce after a long absence is hard, but it might be good for you in the long run. Work can provide a sense of community and/or purpose, and at the least, it gives you something to occupy your thoughts besides the cheating and the divorce. If it provides any comfort, my mom was a SAHM for 17 years (until I left for college). She went back to school, got a degree, and started working at the age of 43 with no prior experience. I hope that you find a path to a vocation that you enjoy and that it helps you feel better about life!