SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me (41m), BW (35f) for over 6 years, married over 2.

DDay - yesterday (Jan 19th)

On Saturday (17th) I made the worst mistake of my life and had a ONS with a mutual friend while my pregnant BW was away for the weekend. Alcohol was involved but is obviously no excuse. Ever since I’ve been drowning in guilt - barely been able to eat, not really sleeping. I know I deserve this and so much more.

I told her almost immediately upon her return - I didn’t want to break this news over phone/text. She was devastated. We both broke down separately on the floor, out of eye sight from one another. She didn’t direct any hurtful words at me, but she said a number of things that still tore me apart. This is our first baby and is nigh a miracle; she said that even though she’s wanted a child for so long she regretted that she was pregnant. That hurt so much worse than any insult or physical object she could have thrown at me.

I wish there was some way I could help. I wish I could take her pain. But mostly I wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid. I destroyed my relationship with my best friend, the person I care about the most in the world.

I was intentionally vague about the intimate details when I told her about the ONS, but I told her I’d be forthcoming if she asked. Before she went to bed she did ask for those details, which I answered to the best of my recollection.

I am regret. I am shame. My heart reels watching the woman I love so deeply go through this pain that I caused. I wish I was a better person.

She asked "why" it happened. Said it was psychopathic for me to have done this now, given our situation. I don’t really recall how it even started that night; I think I was just excited that someone was showing interest? I need to figure out the why, not just for her but for me, if I ever want to be better, so I can be sure that this never happens again. I’ve have an initial appointment with an IC today, and I hope this is the first step on my journey of self discovery.

BW doesn’t think she can confide in anyone, doesn’t have anyone to talk to. I understand that; right now I don’t think I can tell anyone I know either. I suggested she find forums, or even get her own IC, but I think the wound is still too raw. She needs a little more time to process on her own first. At least I’ve had time to peruse these forums as I’ve been wallowing in self-pity, and now that I’ve joined I’m hoping I can find some community. A common theme I’ve seen around here is "be careful who you tell, because you can’t un-tell". I get that, but when I’m the person she would usually confide in and I’m the one who caused her so much pain, where can I direct her?

She said she doesn’t know what to do about the relationship. That her options of staying and leaving are both terrible. I told her I recognize that, I apologized again, and said that she doesn’t have to decide now. That I’d do whatever she wanted to because I need to face the consequences for my mistake. But I told her I still loved her so much and wanted to make this work, and I would do anything to keep us together. It hasn’t been 24 hours since D so I don’t know what will happen. But I know that this mistake will haunt me forever. I can’t imagine my life without her, but I know that’s a very real possibility. It terrifies me. I wish I’d had that same realization on Saturday.

I feel like a hollow shell. I know I need to find strength to support her in whatever ways she’ll allow me. But how do I find that strength when I'm just so damned sad?

I don’t have a lot of advice for you other than to suggest you immediately stop using the word "mistake" for cheating. The word "selfish, cruel, choice" is more appropriate. Your wife does not want to hear it was a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice you made knowing it was cruel, hurtful, and wrong.

I don’t have a lot of advice for you other than to suggest you immediately stop using the word "mistake" for cheating. The word "selfish, cruel, choice" is more appropriate. Your wife does not want to hear it was a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice you made knowing it was cruel, hurtful, and wrong.

You are right, thank you for this OTOSOH.

Hello, EnemyNo1.

There's a thread pinned to the top of this forum entitled: "Things that every WS needs to know." Please read it.

In the drop down menu at the top of the page you'll find a link to The Healing Library. Inside the Articles tab is a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members. Some of these essays might be helpful to you and your wife.

Understand that for most people the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. It takes several months just to recover from the shock and years to heal. It can permanently and fundamentally change the nature of a relationship.

You have a fairly unique problem on top of all of this with your BW (betrayed wife) being pregnant. Most BS (betrayed spouses) will have serious problems sleeping, eating, and functioning normally (the shock). Please do whatever you can to encourage her to eat, stay hydrated. Help out more than usual with household chores. I cannot say with any certainly that this may complicate her pregnancy, but I'd imagine that it's possible. I'd highly recommend that she make an extra appointment with her OB/GYN as soon as possible and let her know what's going on.

I'm sure this goes without saying, but all contact with the OW (other woman) must immediately stop, forever.

If your wife has a good friend or family member with whom she can confide, encourage her to do so. She needs someone to talk to. I'm sure you'd rather not endure the exposure. However, you're likely to have to suck it up and take the heat. Being pregnant, giving birth, and having a newborn is hard enough without dealing with the shitstorm your ONS has created.

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair," by Linda MacDonald, is a must read. It's a short book packed with incredible wisdom and guidance. Buy a hard copy and read it a few times.

Most of all, apologize often. Let her know through actions that you love her and want to stay married. Go the extra mile, you know, every day, in every way you can think of.

Don't ever ask for her forgiveness.

Reconciliation is possible. It's not easy. It takes time and two very committed people.

EN1: You have no idea of the cruelty of your lousy choice right now being realized by the woman who loves you so much that she wanted to have your child. After 6 years, and now when your BW is at her most vulnerable (pregnant with your child - her first child). You decided to cheat and hurt her beyond measure. And, with a mutual friend - so, a double betrayal. But, I know very well as the same similar scenario happened to me. For her sake, I hope she makes the right choice for herself and her child, which in my opinion would be a future without you and mutual friend in it. (No stop sign here). If not she will - for the rest of her days with you have this awful memory to carry with her and also wonder when the next horrific surprise moment will arrive and I predict that it will. Again and again.

Thank you for your advice Unhinged. I've read the pinned thread you recommended, as well as most of the articles in the Healing Library. I was able to find a copy of the book by Linda MacDonald that I read as well. (I've had a lot of time to read over the last 48 hours.)

Contact with the OW is over. At some point I'll need to address informing her OBS, but my plan is to address that with my BS at some point in the future.

I might not want to endure the exposure of BS' feelings, but if she's open to expressing them to me I will listen, validate, and apologize as often as I can. I am committed to doing everything it takes to R with her, again as long as she is open to it.

I understand your pain, it was opportunistic betrayal.

You likely have a low self worth issue and need for validation (as your mutual friend, that makes the pain deeper, as it wasn't just enough).

Okay, you messed up, is good you told immediately, you took accountability, is an important step, it means you do not only feel shame but guilt.

Without guilt no Reconciliation is possible.

In this moment she will be hurting a lot, is in the shock phase, it will get worse, much worse, so you will have a challenge ahead, considering what happened and that she needs your care because the baby.

You need to try to care for her physical well being. It will be hard as she starts along the path of betrayal trauma, but is the right thing to do. Listen to her, no matter how it hurts, your decision hurted more, she needs to see that you "might" still be a safe partner even if you choose to betray her.

Now read about WS guide.
You can read around the BS posts to understand what expects her and you from down here. The rollearcoaster started, it cannot be stopped, but is not said the final word until it is over.

Be aware that the wound is very deep, who did not suffer it can hardly understand it, trust me, you do not want to ever experience it, is worse than being shot or seriously harmed physically.

You are hurting and that is true as well. It is a good thing, it will help you to grow from this and never relapse on betrayal (if you put the work and resolve the issues).

Mind that she might go either way with your relationship from here on. That mean split or give the chance of R (is not automatic, R requires the BS to keep the pain of betrayal and try to heal the bond instead of running away and healing themselves).

Do not expect a second chance is due, because it is not, but your threading now when she needs the most can help her see through her decision the moment that she will have room to think it over when the hurt and grief stabiizes just enough to give her few moments of break from the pain.

No grand gestures, consistency and respect. I wish you both well.

Thank you for your comment icangetpastthis. I removed the stop sign because I wanted to get perspectives from both sides.

I've read enough stories about R on this forum to know that her anxiety of a recurrence is likely never going to go away. That she may never be able to look at me the same way again. But I know that I'm going to put in as much work as it takes to become a better person. Even if she decides she'd rather D, I will continue to do that work because I never want to hurt anyone this way ever again.

BackfromtheStorm, thank you so much for your reply.

You likely have a low self worth issue and need for validation (as your mutual friend, that makes the pain deeper, as it wasn't just enough).

This does resonate. I just finished my initial consultation with an IC that was very promising, just need to figure out the logistics of insurance so I can start. She described me as "ripe", with all of my feelings at the forefront ready to be processed. I feel like I need to start working on this ASAP because I don't have a great coping strategy right now.

Mind that she might go either way with your relationship from here on. That mean split or give the chance of R (is not automatic, R requires the BS to keep the pain of betrayal and try to heal the bond instead of running away and healing themselves).

Do not expect a second chance is due, because it is not

I know this is true. What I did is unforgivable, and I could not blame her for wanting to D. I am going to try and be there for her as much as possible, but I recognize that the fate of our M ultimately rests with her.

With that in mind, Unhinged and BackfromtheStorm, you both mentioned apologizing often. BS works full time; what should the boundaries be around texting her during the day? It's a bad idea at this moment, right? I don't want to pull her focus away from her job and prod the wound.

Suggestion - search the internet for "When a man cheats on his pregnant wife."

You might find information that will help your wife and possibly help you figure out yourself.

...you both mentioned apologizing often. BS works full time; what should the boundaries be around texting her during the day?

I think you'll have to feel her out on this one. Maybe a simple text... thinking of you, hope you're okay, love you... or some such.

For a while, my exww would buy greeting cards and write notes. It was nice at first but then got a little annoying.

When I say apologize often, I'm not talking about doing so out of the blue or randomly. Mostly when she's struggling, sharing her feelings, angry, crying, and whatnot.

While it's true that the memories of your ONS will always be with her, it is possible that she will trust you again. That takes years of consistent actions and authenticity on your part.

Be patient with her and yourself. Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

When I say apologize often, I'm not talking about doing so out of the blue or randomly. Mostly when she's struggling, sharing her feelings, angry, crying, and whatnot.

This is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for, thank you so much Unhinged!

While it's true that the memories of your ONS will always be with her, it is possible that she will trust you again. That takes years of consistent actions and authenticity on your part.

I'm ready to put in the work. I truly can't imagine my life without her. I never want to hurt her again.

We had another talk tonight. She had a few more questions she wanted to ask about that night. Some answers came easy but my memory of the night is foggy and patchy at best. During our discussion, she told me that what hurt her a lot was knowing that I had so many chances to either prevent the ONS or end it, but I didn't take any of those exits. She's entirely correct (just like OTOSOH pointed out earlier in this thread). When I'm replaying what memories of the night I have, it's like all my thoughts and feelings are absent; it's like I'm watching a movie starring me, instead of acting in it or directing it.

She recognizes that she's still in shock, and because of that she doesn't want to make any rash decisions about the future of our M. But she also added that if she wasn't pregnant this wouldn't be as difficult a choice. I'm still reeling from that, but at the same time I completely understand it and certainly deserve it. She said that I'm the only one she feels safe confiding in and being around right now, and how difficult that is to grapple with because I'm the one who has caused her all this pain.

I reassured her that I was going to do everything I could to try and rebuild the trust that I've destroyed, and I had a concrete list of first steps:
- On Thursday I have my first session with an IC to start uncovering what caused me to make such hurtful choices.
- I'm going to stop drinking entirely, because I can't trust myself under the influence.
- Canceling the week-long trip I had scheduled for next week so I can be here to support her.

She was taken aback when I mentioned canceling the upcoming trip, and told me she needed time to think about whether she wanted that. It seems like she needs more time to decide whether my presence is helpful, which I understand.

Thanks again to everyone who has responded to my posts. I haven't been able to talk to anyone I know IRL about this, and having this outlet and hearing all of your feedback - both the positive and negative, which I've certainly earned - has been very helpful.

Thanks again to everyone who has responded to my posts. I haven't been able to talk to anyone I know IRL about this, and having this outlet and hearing all of your feedback - both the positive and negative, which I've certainly earned - has been very helpful.

I'm not sure of this is good advice or not, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. Your wife is not me, but some food for thought.

That said, I also had no one to talk to, and posting on these forums was so, so helpful for me. They became my lifeline and my sole and only outlet to talk about my wife's affair with someone other than my wife. Your wife might benefit greatly if she made an account and started posting here. It's been invaluable for me to have an outlet and somewhere to spill my guts, so to speak.

I don't know if she'll want to or not, but if you think she might be open to the idea she might get an outlet she desperately needs to start getting this off her chest and have others to talk to who've been through, or are going through what she is right now.

No1,

You’ve certainly damaged your relationship, but it might not be ruined.

Keep walking the walk.

Expect her to be all over the place.

She’s carrying your child. That’s a bond beyond all others.

Damaged, but maybe not ruined.

Be patient. Time, time, time.

I wouldn’t take the trip. You shouldn’t be off having a good time. Tell her you’ll spend the week in the garage, instead.

Do whatever it takes for your wife to never see or hear about the good friend again. Absolutely no chance. If you have to move far away, do it.

Get STD tested. Acknowledge the good friend is a tramp.

Best wishes.

You may want to request a Stop Sign here. That way only fellow Waywards can apply.

I'm going to check myself here and only address the following:

Contact with the OW is over. At some point I'll need to address informing her OBS, but my plan is to address that with my BS at some point in the future.

NOW. That point should be NOW. Don't tell anyone you are going to do it - just do it. And if OBS has any questions - answer them honestly. Let the chips fall where they may. OBS has a right to know.

I'd also advise you to contact an attorney in case things get "messy" with OBS and "Good Friend"

With that in mind, Unhinged and BackfromtheStorm, you both mentioned apologizing often. BS works full time; what should the boundaries be around texting her during the day? It's a bad idea at this moment, right? I don't want to pull her focus away from her job and prod the wound.

I am giving you the perspective from a betrayed partner:

It is a tricky one. the important is, as you were advised, you need to develop a feel.

From time to time, "platitude" apologies out of the blue are ok. Why though? Usually the betrayer partner gives you 2 impressions that often give you the ick even years later:

- They want to get over it, to escape shame. You did not matter during the betrayal. Now the emotions that their choice caused you do not matter --> get over it and forgive me (This causes anger and rage and disgust)

- They do not want to speak about the betrayal/ affair. They do not think about it, while you do think about it constantly. And it is a torture.

So when you mention an apology, if it is genuine, you are opening yourself, showing your feeling of regret (instead of shame, shame is selfish, regret and guilt are empathetic), showing that she is not alone in her personal hell, but you are suffering too for having thrown her down there and are willing to walk on her side through the ordeal.

Remember this if it is useful. Betrayal is an attachment wound. Attachment means "I chose you" over anybody else, you are my family. Betrayal makes you feel these 3 horrible things, and everyone is cursed with these:

I am not chosen. I am not enough / not worthy. I am replaceable.

This is a wound of the soul, and it fuckin hurts. Hard for someone who never suffered it to understand how deeply this hurts.

Something that would be good or better than apology is develop a connection to her pain.

There will be things that trigger her, places, sensations, images, stories, music, anything that evokes memory of the betrayal will start the rollercoaster, you cannot help it.

Check in with the pain. If, for example, you are going to a place where you betrayed her with the other person, or that evokes memories of the other person (being a "friend" this is likely), "feel" her, because she might be quiet but it starts, and connect with her with something like:

"I know this place reminds you of what happened, what I did to you. I feel you are struggling and I want to tell you that I understand, it is natural after what I did to feel not ok, and know that I am here with you respecting it, becaused I caused it with my choice. And I want you to go through the emotions that haunt you, I am here, because we will be reclaiming this place little by little for us alone"

It's felt, painful even, but she is in pain, sharing with her that she is allowed to and you are willing to share the burden of that pain with her, while re conquering your couple's places, memories and emotions, is something that a betrayed partner really need to have a chance at truly trusting you ever again.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:46 PM, Wednesday, January 21st]

I'll start by saying I have no anxiety WRT the possibility of my W cheating again. That's partly because of our (advanced) age, but more because I know I'll recover. I can't control my W, and I never wanted to, but I can control myself.

*****

IMO, if you want to R, you need to communicate, and a LOT of your communication ought to be in the form of asking your BS what she wants and asking for what you want.

IOW, don't make assumptions. I didn't like apologies, usually. Unhinged and BFTS did. You need to talk with your W to find out what she likes.

Often my W intruded on me to give me a hug, because she wanted the closeness at that moment or because she thought I looked so sad. I stopped that pretty quickly and substituted 1) her asking if I was willing to give her a hug, 2) her asking if I wanted a hug. I wanted my power to choose honored.

*****

I'm ready to put in the work. I truly can't imagine my life without her. I never want to hurt her again.

That's well and good, but it's incomplete. If you change to satisfy your BS, what happens to your motivation if your W walks?

I think your healing will be more effective if you see the process as 'changing from cheater to good partner.' Whether you R or D, you will be the primary beneficiary of making that change. You do it for yourself. IMO, the BS is collateral damage from issues in the WS; not everybody sees infidelity that way. But if you do, the BS is collateral benefit from the WS's healing.

You make yourself a good partner. Your WS is free to enjoy the changed you or to walk away.

I see you're starting IC to dig into your issues. My reco is to reframe that a bit, if you haven't already done so. IOW, make your goal something like 'resolve the issues that enabled me to cheat' or simply 'change from cheater to good partner.'

*****

Not drinking is likely to be a good idea, but are you an alcoholic? If so, don't just white-knuckle your way through the days - get help in staying sober. There really is no shame in getting help. None of us is perfect, after all.

*****

If you R, you build a new M that serves you both. It's important for both of you to be honest about what you want, because now is a time to explore whether you really are good matches for each other. The best way to find out if you're a good match is to be yourselves, and recognize that even though you broke the M, you have desires, too.

Of course, within the context of building an M that serves you both, I'd recommend giving your BS lots and lots of yeses when she asks for something. And if you really want to say 'no' a lot, maybe you're not a good match for each other.

R is about the future, not the past.

*****

You heal you. You're the only one who can do that. All your W can do is give you emotional support.

Your BS heals herself. She's the only one who can do that. All you can do is give her emotional support.

Together you heal/build/rebuild your M, if you both do the necessary work.

I also had no one to talk to, and posting on these forums was so, so helpful for me. They became my lifeline and my sole and only outlet to talk about my wife's affair with someone other than my wife. Your wife might benefit greatly if she made an account and started posting here. It's been invaluable for me to have an outlet and somewhere to spill my guts, so to speak.

Totally agreed, thank you for the advice Pogre! I've told her about how insightful I've found everyone here and I've sent her the link. At the very least I hope she takes a look at some of the articles, but perhaps she'll join the forum too.

*********

I wouldn’t take the trip. You shouldn’t be off having a good time. Tell her you’ll spend the week in the garage, instead.

We talked about this tonight. She was worried that asking me to cancel might feel like punishment or build resentment on my side. (Even though I've put her through all this she's still worried about me. She truly is the best person.) I am certain that I wouldn't be able to have a good time knowing that she'd be home alone dealing with this, and I told her as such. I'm canceling the trip.

Do whatever it takes for your wife to never see or hear about the good friend again. Absolutely no chance. If you have to move far away, do it.

We spent some time talking about what a new social dynamic would look like for us given the Venn diagram of our friendships and where AP exists. BS and I are in complete agreement that we won't see AP or OBS again, but since neither of us will be up for social events any time soon we figured we have time to determine how to navigate this.

Get STD tested. Acknowledge the good friend is a tramp.

Got tested yesterday, got the negative results today. Thank you Formerpeopleperson!

*********

NOW. That point should be NOW. Don't tell anyone you are going to do it - just do it. And if OBS has any questions - answer them honestly. Let the chips fall where they may. OBS has a right to know.

I mentioned your strong recommendation to BS this evening Chaos and she said she didn't want to think about it yet. I need to honour her wishes here. She did say that one thing she will need me to do is to message AP stating my commitment to my M and permanently closing (and burning down) the door with AP. Of course that's something I'll only do in her presence and after she's reviewed the content. This isn't a problem for me as I've felt this way immediately following ONS.

*********

Something that would be good or better than apology is develop a connection to her pain.

I love this advice and your explanation BackfromtheStorm. Your posts have been chock full of incredible insights that I'll be sure to take to heart. I especially love the distinction you made between "platitude" and genuine, heartfelt apologies, and how they are perceived as they accumulate.

It's felt, painful even, but she is in pain, sharing with her that she is allowed to and you are willing to share the burden of that pain with her, while re conquering your couple's places, memories and emotions, is something that a betrayed partner really need to have a chance at truly trusting you ever again.

I will be vigilant and watch for signs of BS' discomfort, and make sure she knows I'm down in the trenches with her to help her pull through.

*********

I'll start by saying I have no anxiety WRT the possibility of my W cheating again. That's partly because of our (advanced) age, but more because I know I'll recover. I can't control my W, and I never wanted to, but I can control myself.

I can feel your empowerment from this statement sisoon, it's inspiring! I'm so happy to hear that you've conquered anxiety. If I may ask, how long did it take you to reclaim your power? Did you do IC/MC? If so, did you find it helpful in reaching this point?

Often my W intruded on me to give me a hug, because she wanted the closeness at that moment or because she thought I looked so sad. I stopped that pretty quickly and substituted 1) her asking if I was willing to give her a hug, 2) her asking if I wanted a hug. I wanted my power to choose honored.

This paragraph strongly resonated with me. Right now BS and I are in the same place wrt hugging: I'm asking for permission, and she's obliging when she feels up for it. I recognize the need to request consent for things like hugs that I used to take for granted. Right now I'm assuming everything is off limits and either asking where the boundaries are or waiting to be notified that the wall has been removed.

If you change to satisfy your BS, what happens to your motivation if your W walks?

My motivation to change won't disappear. I didn't just destroy the foundations of my M, I destroyed my own self-image. I never thought I would be capable of cheating on my partner, and now I don't recognize who I am. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I need to improve for myself as well. Only by doing so can I be worthy of any relationship in the future.

I see you're starting IC to dig into your issues. My reco is to reframe that a bit, if you haven't already done so. IOW, make your goal something like 'resolve the issues that enabled me to cheat' or simply 'change from cheater to good partner.'

I like this phrasing a lot, that's how I'll approach it with my IC tomorrow. I've never done therapy before so this will be a new experience for me. I've been looking at this as "something is broken in me that enabled me to cheat", which makes for a nebulous starting point. It seems better to approach this in a goal-oriented manner like "change from cheater to good partner" as you suggested.

Not drinking is likely to be a good idea, but are you an alcoholic? If so, don't just white-knuckle your way through the days - get help in staying sober. There really is no shame in getting help. None of us is perfect, after all.

I don't think I'm an alcoholic? I only drink socially. I can be restrained when I need to (e.g. when I'm DD), although I often plan as to avoid that responsibility. Yet sometimes I can get too carried away. I don't foresee any challenges in staying sober, but I'll consider AA if I notice issues there.

If you R, you build a new M that serves you both. It's important for both of you to be honest about what you want, because now is a time to explore whether you really are good matches for each other. The best way to find out if you're a good match is to be yourselves, and recognize that even though you broke the M, you have desires, too.

Of course, within the context of building an M that serves you both, I'd recommend giving your BS lots and lots of yeses when she asks for something. And if you really want to say 'no' a lot, maybe you're not a good match for each other.

BS and I have historically "just worked". I've never been in a relationship that seemed so easy. I am 100% committed to R if she is open to it. She's the strongest, most rational, beautiful, intelligent, kindhearted person I know. She truly is my best friend.

You heal you. You're the only one who can do that. All your W can do is give you emotional support.

Your BS heals herself. She's the only one who can do that. All you can do is give her emotional support.

Together you heal/build/rebuild your M, if you both do the necessary work.

This is a beautiful sentiment. And it's also got me wondering: how do you avoid emotionally overloading your S during this process? During our discussion earlier BS and I recognized that under normal circumstances we'd be each others' emotional supports, but now neither of us wants to burden the other with too many of our feelings. We're both going to have ICs, but for all our other days, how will we know what our emotional boundaries are? Does it just come with trial and error?

Boundaries are natural, as a newborn you already have boundaries, you will cry and spit your food when they are crossed.

It’s a question of acknowledging the boundaries and respecting them, both partners, when you were near, about to cross them and when you crossed them, you already knew.

Something in you just told yourself a different story for why you were entitled to do that.

Then your conscience bites back and you feel like now.

Is good sign though, you have a moral compass, now you must find what issues justified to betray your own morality and your partner.

Because believe it or not, you betrayed yourself as well

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:58 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]

Totally agreed, thank you for the advice Pogre! I've told her about how insightful I've found everyone here and I've sent her the link. At the very least I hope she takes a look at some of the articles, but perhaps she'll join the forum too.

Let her know that no one is going to push her in one direction or the other. Most of us are just here to listen, empathize, amd offer support and advice based on what she wants. She won't be pushed toward D or R, but maybe we can help her sort out which is in her best interests based on how she feels and what she wants.

It sounds to me like she's open to R. If that's what she wants she will get support and advice geared toward that. The goal here is generally to get out of infidelity, and for that there are multiple paths. Everyone's situation is different. I think, reading your posts, that you could be a candidate for R. You royally screwed up, big time. But you do seem to be trying to do all of the right things now.

You need to take the lead on fixing this, and so far I'd say you're off to a good start. I think you've poked around and read enough by now to know it's going to be a long, bumpy ride so I'll spare you some of that.

Good luck.