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I have a paid off house, but it's draining me financially in upkeep. It's my only asset for old age.

I have a job that I hate, but it's the highest wage I could earn. It comes with working with my ex, and having to deal with his newest girlfriend, that he forced me to hire so it causes me constant emotional trauma after two plus decades of his infidelity and abandonment. Him and his latest girlfriend are in my face 24/7, and is a bitter, constant reminder.

All my memories are in this house. It's the place I raised our kids, and a graveyard of memories. It's the only stable thing in my life.

I want to move, possibly across the entire USA to a state that has a lower cost of living. I'm afraid of losing connection with two of my sons.

My dad is 92 in a nursing home. My bonus mom is 82 and not in the best health. They are in Canada, and I live 300 miles away, but I'm the closest to them for family. We are VERY close.

I'm afraid I won't find a job that's enough to keep me stable, but I would have at least $200k-$300k above the cost to buy another house with my savings and anticipated profit share coming in 3 months. Assuming the profit share happens, and the house would sell for roughly what I would anticipate. I would still have a paid off house, but not in an area likely to increase in value like where I'm currently at.

If I go, there's no going back. It would be impossible. This would be a situation where I would have to be "all in". My sister is 10 years older than I am, and she and my neice are there, so I would have some family. The downside is my sister isn't the healthiest and minimum wage there is scary compared to where I'm at.

If I go my daughter and her bf are going too, and my adult son will have to come as he wouldn't have any other options due to his criminal record. He might not be employable there, and could end up not able to support himself. Will they thrive or will they hate it there? Going from a "blue" state to a "red" state is a culture change and could have some pros and cons to deal with.

Has anyone risked it all to move and not look back? I'm not young, I'm almost 63, so time in not on my side. I could wait another year and be better off financially, but not emotionally.

Would you risk it all for a fresh start, a new beginning? Would you stay where you have some financial security until it's unsustainable and find a way to cope with the trauma? I have no medical so therapy isn't an option, and frankly I've not coped in the last 7 years but I think that's largely to do with him sticking each new woman in my face.

This is a crossroads, and fear is a factor. So much to gain, but potentially also so much to lose.

As someone who uprooted his life 3 times for love matter.

Think deeply and carefully about that.
It is very taxing the emotional toll you have now, I understand.

The decision can make sense, but go through it carefully, with some friends, maybe someone who has experience in this kind of relocations. Talk to people, maybe even hire a consultant.
Just not to find yourself unprepared.

IT can be a good step but I know well, you can't go back from some decision, so if you go all in, better to plan ahead very carefully and imagine all possible pitfalls ahead (trust me, there will be always something so challenge your assumptions and paint scenarios)

With heart, I am with you. With mind, I am recommending caution and big planning.
I am not in the US but if I can help to answer some questions (that might be common occurrence) I will be happy to.

Good luck

I did it, and never looked back. I moved to a beautiful place with a much lower cost of living. I answered an ad in the newspaper for a job I had never done before, but in spite of everything my ex had put me through, I decided to have faith in myself. I Fed Exed my resume to them and got the job. I retired from that job 24 years later.

I would strongly recommend you find a job where you want to go before you make the leap and move there. Don't assume you won't find anything. The job market is really strange right now. Employers see more value in middle aged and older workers because they have a strong work ethic, and they are less likely to feel entitled. I've actually read studies to that effect. So start searching. It may take a while but the more you look the more you will find.

I would also suggest that you look up the Chamber of Commerce in the area, because you can get a feel for what types of businesses there are to see if you have the skills for those businesses. Give them a call and ask them if they can steer you to a recruiter in the area. Go for it Girl!

Muggle,

There are states that discourage criminal background checks on applicants. (Or else, every conviction is a life sentence.). These states provide a "safe harbor" for employers that forgo such checks, in many instances.

Maybe look for one of those.

Best wishes.

We've always had some support when we moved.

Have you considered visiting the location you're interested in? Are you a Canadian citizen (subject?)? Can you buy a business? How about using some of your assets to retrain?

A house that's eats your assets and a job you hate ... sounds awful. Change must look very good.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:09 PM, Tuesday, January 20th]

I think ongoing stress and trauma of continuing to work with your abusive ex and his girlfriend is going to kill you long before you can retire. Also, from what I've read in your posts, your ex is a very shady businessman and is dishonest is both his relationships and his financial affairs. If his business went under or he was under investigation-- and either/both those things could happen at some point-- you would be screwed. You are better off if you quit on your terms, and not his or someone else's.

People move for a lower cost of living all the time. If you have a good relationship with your children, that won't change because you need to move. There will be challenges for them if they move with you but they are adults. If you were to drop dead tomorrow, they would need to figure out a way to short themselves out.

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:08 AM on Tuesday, January 20th, 2026

We've always had some support when we moved.

Have you considered visiting the location you're interested in? Are you a Canadian citizen (subject?)? Can you buy a business? How about using some of your assets to retrain?

I'm a US citizen, born in CA. My dad relocated to Canada when I was a teenager and eventually married a Canadian woman.

I don't have enough disposable income to buy a business. I'm no spring chicken, so retraining for 4 working years before I'm 67 might not be viable.

I have visited the location for 10 days earlier this year. I didn't do a ton of investigating as I got sick for a few days while there. I could move anywhere as long as I can sustain myself. I would prefer to go somewhere that I have family. My sister lives there and so does my niece and she seems to think I'll be fine.

BluerThanBlue ( member) posted at 10:24 AM on Tuesday, January 20th, 2026
I think ongoing stress and trauma of continuing to work with your abusive ex and his girlfriend is going to kill you long before you can retire

You might be right. He could get worse, he seems to be better when he has money. This two month job could solve some issues for him financially. He could also lose it all with his lawsuit and other problems. I can't predict how that will unfold, I'm not stepping out of my lane for him anymore in any "wife energy" way. I won't be cruel but it's not my place to go above and beyond anymore. He replaced me, so she can step up for him. Wife energy is above my pay grade.

He sent me a nasty zodiac video in messenger yesterday instead of the usual funny PUGS one. This one talked about how his "Sign" is a psychopath and how they can have once loved you deeply but can cut you off like you mean nothing and not lose sleep over it but you won't survive their silence. How when they're done with you they done forever, and a bunch of other things that fit him not me for behaviors. It was a warning that I'm disposable to him. I didn't respond. Crickets.

I already got the message years ago trust me. I'm nothing to him, never meant anything, and I'm forgettable. Made me laugh, thinking "is that all you got"?

All this started after I clarified that his gf was being paid for something none of the rest of his employees were getting, and that he needed to decide to pay for all or pay for none.

If you are the "blue" minded type you would be happier in a blue state. Moving to a red state would require you to modify who you are, the way you think, what you expect from the government.

I'm not a "red state" minded soul. Unfortunately red states tend to have lower housing costs than blue states so the value of my house here would set me up better financially there for buying a house. The minimum wage and poverty seem to dictate a lot of that. I wouldn't change my mind set but I would have to accept that some things would be a differnt vibe. I don't tend to discuss politics or religion as a general rule. Those two topics are not on my list of things I go into the weeds over. I'm perfectly fine agreeing to disagree on views around those subjects.

My sister and her daughter are still thriving there and they're "blue" minded. I would adapt and know every state has a mix, and you have to be smart where you voice your opinion and where to keep your thoughts to yourself. I wouldn't live anywhere that I believed those views would be dangerous or where the "vibe" was stuck in 1950 if that makes sense.

The government does what it does, and we all adapt each election. We agree or we disagree, it goes with the territory. Unless civil war errupts it won't change me fundamentally. It might inconvenience me, or not be my cup of tea on policy, but I can live my life as I see fit no matter where I'm at. I can go with the flow, but I'm not the type to be putting a 6 foot flag on my porch.

In the end I need to be able to make my money stretch and cheaper costs would allow me to breathe easier as I age.

Muggle

From what I have read about your story I have always had this sense of you feeling trapped where you are and constantly dealing with things that annoyed you or held you back, with immense reluctance to change. It reminded me a bit about the quote I have in my tagline: You felt miserable but chose to remain miserable.
That’s why I think it’s SO POSITVE to see this post.

I cant offer a single-solution that will fix and heal all, but want to mention a couple of things:

Can you make changes in your present situation that could make it better?
For example: the house – can you sell and downscale in the same or nearby town? That would fix the cost issue.
Can you mentally block off your ex-husband and view him as a crappy boss rather than your ex? Might make the job bearable.
Your present wages: Are they anything special? Are they good for your area?
Your present job: Sounds like you are some sort of cross between office manager and accounting. Isn’t that a skill that others might want? What about the local auto-shop or the small business down the street? Have you looked around?
Be realistic: Are you short-selling yourself about your career abilities and options? I think you are...

Your kids...
Sorry if I’m off and if I’m making assumptions but here goes...
Let’s start with daughter and BF... Are they living with you? Paying their weight or a burden? Why aren’t they moved out? Both working?
I admire ravens. They mate for life and generally have 2-3 young ones at a time. At a certain age, they will force the semi-adult birds out of the nest, and out of their parents area. Ravens are social, so maybe they all meet up later, but at some point they send a very clear message: Make your own life. Visit with us, but make your own life and eat your own food.
If your D and her BF aren’t either full-time at school or work and aren’t either setting aside a fair chunk for their first home OR paying rent and food AND doing their share of chores... Then AT LEAST if you move don’t leave an address for them to find you...

Your son...
His criminal record will haunt him, but the key here is for him to start SOMETHING and stick to it. Is there a trade he’s interested in? A job he can get and stick to – even if it’s not what he wants to end up in? It’s always better and easier to get a job if you are already in one. Like... if he wants to work at an auto-shop he’s more likely to be hired if he’s already working every evening washing dishes at a restaurant. It shows a willingness to work, and that someone keeps him hired so he is at least meeting requirements. Work with him on ways to become independent. If he manages to get a job or education then each year will make his criminal past less relevant.

If I am anywhere close to the situation with my assumptions then relocating will only have you take part of your problems with you.

Bigger

You felt miserable but chose to remain miserable

I don't think that's accurate. No one "chooses" to be cheated on or suffer emotionally from the trauma that comes with betrayal. That's like asking a victim of a crime to "choose" to get over it.

You may become less reactive, or learn to cope, forgive or forget what's happened to you but it's not quite as simple as willing yourself to be happy. If you have long term pain from an injury you can't simply wish it away. I believe I could heal significantly if removed entirely from this situation. Being happy is a by product of finding things you enjoy and having the ability to do those things. It certainly can be influenced by having the ability to view things through a different set of eyes. I have had times where I'm happy despite this mess, but I undersand that you're saying you have to make happiness happen.

Most people that divorce move away, they don't see each other, they don't work together, and they don't have to hire people their ex sleeps with after they married their affair partner. My situation is definately unique in that sense.

Housing costs where I'm at would not cheaper if I moved even if I downsized. I'm in a rural area and the housing is significantly cheaper here, and so are property taxes.

My wages are likely $11 above anything I could get elsewhere. I work in a small business, my skill set is not sufficient for a large company and I run ads all the time for employees and on Indeed and similar I see people with college degrees making less than I am. This is why I'm struggling to leave.

I'm trying to reframe

My daughter and her bf pay all their own bills, car insurance, gas, food, cell phone and car payment. An average apartment here is close to $1800 for a one bedroom, and requires you make close to $5000 a month to qualify for. They simply can't qualify and are trying to save enough to be independant. She used to pay some toward rent, but then had to buy a car and get insurance. To afford those she had to stop paying rent and pay her expenses instead. He has no licence or car and I live 15 miles from town and no bus out here.

My son with the criminal record can't drive, has no license for over a decade. He has no car, and I can't afford to buy him one. He pays his own food so far, but work has been a challenge for him. If I didn't take him in, then he would not be able to survive and his parole officer said without me he most likely would not be a success story. They are pleased with his progress. He's working part time for my EX, but I have to provide transportation. I also have a once a week treatment meeting I have to take him to and two probation meetings a month which were an hour each way. Originally I had to go to 3 meetings a week which were an hour each way per week, two probation meetings an hour away monthly, and once a week treatment meetings close to where I live. It was a massive undertaking time wise.

I'm refocusing as fast as I can, but some days it does feel like I'm drowning. Other days it feels like I'm treading water fine. I have been distancing myself as much as possible in communicating with my ex for work related things. I keep conversation as minimal as I can. I'm trying to turn a blind eye to things that revolve around them and work. He is a crappy boss. He was a crappy husband. I'm trying to reframe things so I don't internalize his diminished capacity to be a decent human being or make myself feel like that's a reflection of my worth. It speaks volumes about him.

As far as ravens go, I understand your thoughts of letting them fly. I couldn't imagine being a parent that wouldn't want them to know where I live. I also believe that helping them fly is better than expecting them to survive without the financial ability to survive. The world is far more expensive now to live in, and wages haven't kept up with the costs. You can work full time and not be able to afford an apartment and basic necessities. When I was young a full time job even at minimum wage was livable, but left little extra.

[This message edited by Muggle at 4:33 PM, Friday, January 23rd]