SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey again,

It's been about a month since D-Day, and it's weird. There are times when I feel like things are almost normal, and then there are moments when the tension is undeniable. I’m not certain I can ever forgive myself, so I struggle to see how BS could. This is a stain that will never wash away. I think the only reason she's considering reconciliation is because of the kids and finances. I'd do anything go back in time. BS deserves better than this. I was supposed to be different. M was never meant to be this much work.

Self-help for the week: I have a psych eval on Wednesday (it's well overdue) and therapy that evening (not sure it’s good fit, but choices are limited) BS also has their first IC session this week.

The things I'm working on: showing more compassion, being open about my feelings, and giving BS space while offering comfort, though honestly, I feel so strange doing that.

The things I'm afraid of: irreparable harm to BS and her future, the same for the kids, the same for me. Not being able to forgive myself. Being a pariah. D. Never being happy with myself.

Thanks for reading,

UN86

I felt that way at a month out as well. I know it can be hard to deal with the shame and regret, and wishing to go back in time and make different decisions. However, these thoughts and feelings, while normal (and hopefully only temporarily overwhelming), are not productive. It sounds like you are doing the right things with going to IC and trying to work on yourself and your M. Try to focus on that.

There are also other posts on here that can help with letting go of the outcome (recovery and reconciliation vs divorce), which can help relieve some of that anxiety and fear you may be feeling (might seem impossible, I know. But it's not.) One thing that I've read that has been helpful is that even if your BS chooses divorce, you should aim to know that you did everything you could to try to assist with her recovery and to repair the marriage. All you can do is give it your all, at this point...

And it doesn't have to negatively affect your children if you and their mum either demonstrate to them how to overcome really hard things in relationships, effective communication, loving behavior, exercising forgiveness, introspection and self-improvement, etc.... Or, worse comes to worst, you do your very best to separate amicably, coparent cohesively, and mitigate the potential turbulence of change in their lives. Listen to their feelings and be there for them no matter what, and make sure they feel extra loved during this time. Make sure that you are not allowing your high emotions to affect the way you treat them, and allow them to have as much control as possible in their day-to-day lives (even if it's just letting them choose what to have for dinner, activities to do on weekends, or what they wear to school), which can help them to feel safer when things are rough or uncertain.

Try to stay positive! We are here for you, and we are rooting for you.

[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 5:26 PM, Monday, October 13th]

It's been about a month since D-Day, and it's weird. There are times when I feel like things are almost normal,

Things are never going to be "normal," again. You have profoundly and permanently altered the nature of your relationship with your wife. I don't say this to scare you, to demean or attack, only to help you let go of an illusion.

I think the only reason she's considering reconciliation is because of the kids and finances.

That might very well be true. That's why I offered R. It doesn't change the fact that you have this opportunity.

Embrace it for all its worth.

I am just over a month from DDay myself and very much identify with your feelings. I agree with unhinged that regardless of why your BS is offering reconciliation that the best path forward is to ensure you maximize that opportunity. I often feel shame and wonder why my BS would want to reconcile, but she is showing up every day making the effort and I am grateful for every minute I have the chance.

You are heard. I have benefited greatly from posting here. Lots of collective wisdom from those who have walked this path. On hard days I lean on the hope that one day my infidelity will not be ever present and I get that hope from others here who are further on the journey. Wishing you the best in these difficult times.