SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm approaching the 5 year mark since all this began and although I've not been here in a while, I wanted to chat and talk if anyone's around.

Where we are at

WS and I are happy and have been consistently for a while now. The marriage is objectively pretty fantastic and we're in love, committed, best friends.

Me

I struggled so much through this, the pain was so much worse than I'd imagined it ever could be, but I got better in time. He was incredibly patient and loving, albeit it was far from easy but he just kept repeating that he wasn't going anywhere and in time it subsided. I have long stretches now where I don't think about it. I have times where I think about it and it doesn't hurt much. Rarely, but sometimes, I have short periods where I think about it and its agony all over again.

Him

He's a different person to before the A. There really is nothing I don't love about our marriage now and part of me knows the A was part of the reason he became a fantastic husband. He hates what he did and wishes it had never happened, but he's also grateful we are together and is a person who tries every day to be the best possible person he can. I feel really proud to be his wife.

That's all the good news. But there are things I wonder.

Is it bad that there's parts of his behaviour he was never able to explain? All he has is "I wasn't in my right mind".

Is it bad that our R was a total shit show for a long time and that he caused me lots of additional damage by not waking up to it sooner?

Is it bad that we almost never talk about it?

Is it normal that there are certain parts of it that haunt me?

It is normal to feel grief like you lost something important even if you can't easily explain what it is?

I am not sure "normal" is the right word, but I read these forums for so long and the WSs here seem so switched on.

My WSs focus wasn't much on deep self analysis, but more on loving me as much as possible, demonstrating it in every way, and changing himself so the behaviour and characteristics that contributed to this were permanently killed off.

He decided he didn't want to be a person like that, so he stopped being it. And he's much happier and our marriage is much deeper and stronger.

I'd love to know what people think.

[This message edited by GraceLoves at 2:25 AM, Monday, July 21st]

Is it bad that there's parts of his behaviour he was never able to explain? All he has is "I wasn't in my right mind".

So….what happens the next time he isn’t feeling in his right mind?

It isn’t an answer at all.

He wanted or needed validation outside of his M. If he doesn’t do any work to understand why he needed that or why he wanted an extra boost to the ego or whatever the core issues were, it could be trouble.

It may be as simple as formerly choosing bad and now simply choosing good, but that dreaded WS "right mind" answer is very common and I required more information.

Is it bad that our R was a total shit show for a long time and that he caused me lots of additional damage by not waking up to it sooner?

It doesn’t sound great, especially as a follow up for a WS who did little to no self-examination.

Is it bad that we almost never talk about it?

I’m over nine years out, we hardly talk about it anymore. However, I know if I EVER have a question, I feel good about asking it. My wife has zero problems listening to whatever I need to talk about.

At five years, it was talked about now and again.

Is it normal that there are certain parts of it that haunt me?

Yes. Haunt is the word I use, but again, I am farther along — I don’t get haunted as much anymore. I know most of the time it is my brain checking on me after dealing with the trauma of it all.

It is normal to feel grief like you lost something important even if you can't easily explain what it is?

I mourned that unique sense of innocence, the us against the world type of deal — although, I put it to rest (years into R) after we have consistently built back a better relationship overall. We now celebrate healing from something we never thought we would be dealing with.

I am glad you are doing better. I hope your WS is still open to answering some of your concerns, if you feel the need to talk about them.

Thanks for the reply Oldwounds. I dont think I was clear enough in my post, sorry....there are many parts he understands.

Circumstances...

We were long distance at the time, and he made decisions back then based on "him" and not "us". This is changed now and he'd never be away from me again.

He didn't understand what an EA was so he became what he thought was "friends" with this woman when really it was a kind of EA. This has also changed, he basically just doesn't want any kind of intimacy with any woman ever again unless it's me.

There was a great deal of alcohol involved. That's changed, he completely stopped drinking.

The AP was infatuated with him, and he was susceptible to it and confused feelings of being persued with being valuable. That's changed too, he sees now that his value is something he makes for himself not from outside validation.

He was intimacy avoidant so he enjoyed having a split in his life where he could have me but also a split life of his own. This was the hardest to change bit it 100% has and now he lives life transparently,as partners.

He was fundamentally deeply selfish. That has also been really hard work to change but I think he worked very hard at it and now is selfless in many, many ways.

So we had huge progress and I can't imagine it being possible that he'd ever make choices like that again. That said I do not trust 100% but if anything ever worries me, no matter how minor, he just listens and resolves it.

What he doesn't understand is his myriad of awful behaviour during R. For example breaking NC, putting APs feelings over mine at times, missing the A after it was over... that sort if thing. He really doesn't understand it.

The A was a friendship turned sexual that wasn't romantic in nature, but once it did turn sexual the AP wanted him to leave me very quickly and when he refused she became abusive and violent.

I am understating there really, she was very violent and very, very emotionally abusive which gave him PTSD, so he just wasn't ever able to understand why he kept defending her, even as she was being abusive, or why he kept talking to her or missing her. He just says he wasn't in his right mind.

So I do still find myself having mind movies or loops of thoughts. There was fog for sure at that time because it took him a very long time to step out of it and truly get how bad it was. I think, my perspective, was that for a long time after D Day he was still thinking of just himself.

All that said, he's changed completely. I just wonder if you can put things to bed without ever fully understanding all of it.

I just wonder if you can put things to bed without ever fully understanding all of it.

I’ll certainly never fully understand a choice I didn’t make.

But I did spend a massive amount of time trying to understand it the best I could. And that was a part of my recovery, as I gained some empathy for how hard my wife’s life was before we met and it contributed a lot to her poor boundaries. IC and MC helped her a lot on those family issues and she did a lot of work on her own regarding her boundaries.

As for ending the questions in your mind, I think we all eventually find ways to focus on what is going well versus drifting back to the past. Again, I don’t dwell anymore, and yet, some invasive thoughts about it all do pop up, or I get reminders about it when I visit here or see a movie with an A in it, etc. I just know my brain still checks on me, to see if everything is okay in the now.

That said I do not trust 100% but if anything ever worries me, no matter how minor, he just listens and resolves it.

I am glad he listens and helps you resolve it.

My previous caveats I listed in the last post are more about what my experiences were and what I needed to know to feel comfortable about stay.

I do think if a WS doesn’t fully understand their choices, I see it as a potential red flag.

My wife’s A was going to be a secret she took to the grave, so she overcame some of those fog moments on her own, and those lies they tell themselves to rationalize poor choices — that is extremely common behavior that can take time to figure out. Based on her description of it years later, she thinks it was a year or two before she saw the A for what it was.

My grief or my mourning for what was lost in my M are over now. Honor your feelings, process them and never bury them. Once you due process the rest of that grief (or it did for me) it gets easier to focus on what is going well.

Our memories are driven by the biggest moments, good days or horrible days. My wife and just keep building more positive days and good memories now and those become the biggest part of moving forward.

Thanks OldWounds. I get what you mean, I also tried very hard to understand it. Similarly my WS had a difficult previous life that provided the ingredients for everything.

I also worked very hard at understanding, and I was able to understand a lot - how it started and why, but the behaviour during R I am still not able to settle it in my mind.

A lot of people here are eloquent about their A and their emotions and inner world. For my WS that didn't happen but he seems to have approached it more like this:

He hates what he did and never wants to be that person again. He's worked hard to change into a different person, and anywhere he saw a factor that led up to it, he's addressed that factor.

So I guess it's been a practical approach where he fixed himself like you'd fix a broken house - wall by wall, nail by nail. To become someone safe to me. I feel pretty certain he's now safe to me.

What I never got was really deep introspection on the R and each thing he said and did. He just says he is incredibly sorry, that he sees clearly now and he will work hard to be the best husband every day (and he consistently does this).

I think he was able to understand the affair bit really well, to address the rationalisation process he used and I think he's got clarity on that.

In the aftermath, he says he just wasn't in his right mind and that's never fully satisfied me. He says he can't explain what he was thinking beyond that he was panicking and scared and not all right and that he's incredibly sorry.

I'm really happy you are building good memories. We are too. I mentioned that I feel like we never could have built the deeply loving marriage we've got if he hadn't had the A because it caused him to face demons he otherwise would not have.

I am still sorry for the loss though. For the bits that haunt you. It's a strange feeling as I know it'll never leave me so now I live with it as just part of my story.