SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I didn't sleep last night and spent the majority of the night bawling my eyes out like a little girl and trying to figure out what went wrong and why it was my fault. I stumbled across this forum and before even registering I found it help. I have no support system(more on that later), we were both a bit introverted.

My wife(41) of 13 years upended my world yesterday when I(40) confronted her. It all started Tuesday, I was at work and she was at the gym. It was getting late and the kids had Taekwondo practice to get to, she wasn't home. I called and messaged her trying to see if I needed to leave work a bit early to get them there, no answer. So I did want any other overly paranoid previously cheated on person would do. I pinged her Car GPS just to see if she was rolling and on the way home. Except she wasn't. The car has been stationary for an hour on a street miles away from the gym...

Que the return call 5 minutes later and she's on her way home. She gets the kids to class and I finish my day at work. We both arrive home at the same time pretty much at this point. Give the kids the go ahead to have a whatever you want night for dinner. I suggest we grab a shower. We do, then after we proceed to have sex and we go about like nothing else.
But it just kept eating away at me. The car not where it was supposed to be. GPS is pretty accurate. But the sex... I thought to myself there's no flipping way she could have been with someone else, then pretty much come home and be with me. So I let it go, for 2 days...

Until I let the paranoia eat me from the inside long enough that I finally grabbed her damn watch off the charger and scrolled through her messages and my heart sank. I immediately asked to speak with her in private and confronted her about the whole thing. And she messed up. There was no arguing. Not even the blame game nothing. And I asked why, and the only answer I get is "I don't know why". But of course that shit right there is BS.

We were gonna go out that night with my folks and take the kids to get treats. But I called Mom and asked if they could just take the kids because we had some stuff to take cash of, conveniently enough our AC had just gone out earlier that day as well. I mentioned not having support before and now I'll explain. I very much know my parents would support me and help me in any way they can, but I also no my parents. They would do everything they could to poison the kids against my wife. Some of your may say oh well that's what she deserves, but even given everything, she's still an incredible mother who loves her children, even if she performed a deed that could end the family. I would absolutely never be so spiteful as to try and turn our kids against her. I am going it alone right now until we figure out what we are and want to be and will be. So they came and got the kids, and that's when it got worse... And better? I dunno.

We talked. And it turned from I don't know into the things you would expect. You're lazy, you poke fun at me, I've been thinking about leaving, I wanted to kill myself... But we are past that now, thanks to this forum and the useful help you have all provided so far. I told her I absolutely will not listen to how this is my fault and how I started the spiral for her towards the arms of another man. So she seems to have accepted that she won't blame me. Small victory for me and hopefully a step in the right direction towards reconciliation.

I asked her to explain to me what happened. Met resistance at first, but got the, we were just friendly coworkers, we chatted. Then we started flirting then one thing led to another and boom. 4 times. I Tuesday was the last time apparently. I asked her what if I hadn't caught them, or confronted her but allegedly after we had sex Tuesday the guilt was too much to bear. Even though she was still talking to him this morning.

Then the big ask. Said you were considering leaving already... Said you already cheated... Are we done? She tried to flip it back to me and say why would I want her after everything, I put the kabosh on that and said no... What do you expect/want. She said she wanted to fix what she did. So I go into how to fix it mode. We agree that we will at least attempt some sort of counseling together. She agrees also to individual counseling. I made it very clear that I will cut ties and take my chances if I even catch a small wiff that she is not putting forth 100% effort and sincerity towards rectification. I truly hope it doesn't come to that. I really want to believe we can work through this and save our family. She messaged him right in front of me, called it off, said no more communication, blocked his number, blocked him on social media, deleted all the naughty pictures in her Google drive. I asked her if she would transfer to another facility just to not be around him anymore and she said she would. I know I have to be in my guard. I know it's a long road ahead. I know I need to get tested and so does she and she agreed even though she swears they used protection. I also know I prolly need to get an attorney in line. I want to protect my kids. Can we make it folks? Am I just pissing in the wind here? I want to find out. Wish me luck and the strength to endure it. Thanks for the support.

It's been about 2½ months since d day for me. My wife also had an affair with a co worker. 3 trysts over a 2 week period after several weeks of flirting, planning, and scheming. Your story so eerily mirrors mine it's spooky. We're working on reconciliation right now as well, but most will tell you it's too early to even consider that as this type of trauma can take years to heal from, and it's not wise to commit to a decision like that until you get your feet solidly back under you. I can tell you, having just gone through this very similar situation almost a dozen weeks ago that I'm still reeling from it.

First off, what you'll be told is to skip any type of group marriage counseling for now, and opt instead for individual counseling. A good trauma counselor for yourself, and a counselor for your WW to figure out what inside of her made choosing to have an affair an okay thing to do. Marriage counselors have a way of just trying to patch up a marriage at all costs and some will buy into assigning some blame on the betrayed for causing the affair, which is a crock of shit. There are always other options. This is solidly on her, not you.

Another thing is, does she still work with him? If so, that's going to be a huge issue. Chances of recidivism are very high in that situation, and it's going to kill you knowing she's going to be around him every day. You'll be told that she either needs to find a new job or at the very least transfer away from the same location he's in.

My wife has really turned the corner and is doing a lot of the heavy lifting to try and demonstrate that she can be a safe partner. You need to expect the same from yours. You're absolutely right to not accept any of the blame for this. You didn't make her sleep with someone else. She did that. There were hundreds of different choices, decisions, and steps she had to take to let it get to the point it got to, and likely had dozens of opportunities to back out. You shouldn't have to drag her through the process. She should be willing and want to do anything and everything she can to fix this, and take the lead on it. You shouldn't be doing all of the work to salvage your marriage. She's the one who blew it up, it's up to her to fix it if you're going to give her that chance. If you're offering her an opportunity to reconcile, that's a gift that she doesn't deserve, and she needs to recognize, appreciate, and be thankful for it.

That's just some off the top of my head stuff, but others will be along with more helpful advice. I'm still pretty new to all of this and don't usually comment in these threads, but your situation is SO close to mine I felt compelled to say something. In my case we were married for almost 27 years before something like this happened. I'm acutely aware of the shock, pain, and grief you're feeling right now.

Have her read, or even better, both of you can listen to the audio version of "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair" by Linda Mcdonald. It's a short read, the audio version is just a little over 2 hours, and it was only 7 bucks on Kindle. It does a really good job of letting your WS (wayward spouse) understand the extent of the damage and trauma infidelity causes, and what's likely going on in your mind right now. It was pretty helpful for us.

So sorry you had to find this place. I feelmfor you man. I really do. I wish you the best, no matter where you end up.

Hi Corpse - welcome to SI but sorry you have to be here. We all know how devastating this is and will do our best to support you.

The Healing Library is filled with information to help you in this healing journey. I suggest having your wife read an excellent book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.
It is an easy read and will provide her with some useful tools, insight on the damage she caused, etc.

And now for you. You are fortunate that you have found this forum very early in your trauma process. It is helpful to be able to reach out to people who have been in your shoes for opinions, guidance, etc.

As you may not be aware, the healing process for you is Lengthy. Some people heal in one year while others may take longer. What I believe helps during the process is the commitment of the cheater to reconcile and make amends.

You will go through the typical stages of pain, anger, rage, despair, etc. It is unfortunate that you just can’t bypass some of these feelings. By trying to ignore them or avoid them, they will resurface at some point.

I hope that you are able to reconcile and the end result is that you are in a place where you feel loved and are happy. It is not uncommon for betrayed spouses to have a change of heart Even five years after the betrayal has come to light.

I would suggest that you find a counselor who can support you through this process. I would not suggest marriage counseling at this time because I believe your wife needs to have her own counselor to be able to address whatever issues she has so that she does not Make the same poor choices again.

Please continue to post here.

Oh, and this might be obvious, but she needs to issue a no contact letter or message to her AP (affair partner). This is non negotiable. Absolutely no contact going forward. After that she needs to block him on any socials or her phone for calls and texts. If she's not willing to do that then she's not serious about trying to fix this with you. There's no such thing as "just friends" after a physical affair.

If she's still working with him that's going to really complicate things. It's still possible to R under those circumstances, but it will be a battle. It WILL drive you crazy knowing she's around him still, and she's likely still going to have to interact and communicate with him at work. Even if it's just work related stuff, that makes things very sticky.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:32 PM, Friday, June 27th]

Thank you all. Surprisingly enough that book is one I stumbled across last night and I ordered 2 copies actually. I think y'all are right and marriage counseling isn't the right play. I'm going to be talking to her again in a bit and really drive some stuff home.

I was kinda doing okay until the kids started waking up. Watching her put on a fake happy face for them and pretend like nothing is wrong was devastating. But I guess she's had some practice lately... I'll have to work on that.

She already issued a no contact order to the guy and I watched her block him on everything. I fear however you guys are correct too that working around the guy will never let me move on, I am going to really push for her to transfer, she said she would, but I ain't gonna make it optional.

Thanks again, seriously. I am already very grateful for this community and thankful you took time to lend an ear and some suggestions and sympathy.

Hey Corpse

So sorry you had to find us. I gotta run to work, but wanted to let you know you had been heard.

Good on you for not taking the blame. That is 100% correct.

Take care of your health. Eat healthfully,, drink lots of water, get sleep, and exercise daily. Helps your body, mind, and emotions. Avoid alcohol/drugs.

Get teh full panel of STD testing and do not have unprotected sex with her until you SEE her results. (Cheaters lie I’m afraid).

See a lawyer or three to just understand what D might look like. Knowledge is power.

Forget MC and get IC for yourself. This is a TRAUMA. Find a trauma trained therapist to help YOU through this.

Anyone else IRL you can talk to? Bestie, siblings, pastor? It can help.

Keep reading and keep posting, and trust that you will be okay. Takes time and sucks, but you will get to the other side.

We have very few friends and those that we do are pretty mutual. Not into the whole religion thing, and my brother is well, not really part of my life anymore.

So I guess my next question is, can there be touching? Can I hold her hand while we have this out, hug her? Be hugged? Or is it better to stray from physical contact for the moment?

I was kinda doing okay until the kids started waking up. Watching her put on a fake happy face for them and pretend like nothing is wrong was devastating. But I guess she's had some practice lately... I'll have to work on that.

You're going to be going through a lot of that. Like I said, I'm 12 weeks out from d day and I'm still getting triggered. Sometimes it's driving through the neighborhood where she had the affair, sometimes it's just something that used to be harmless is said, a scene in a movie or show, or even a song. "Faithfully" by Journey was always kind of one of "our songs," and now I can't even listen to it. My WW likes to listen to country music (I'm a metalhead myself), and you'd be surprised how many country songs there are about cheating wives... needless to say her playlist keeps getting trimmed shorter and shorter.

What's happened to you is a real trauma, and it's often underestimated just how traumatic infidelity is. I didn't realize it until it happened to me. This isn't something you just get over and move on from without a lot of time, grief, and work, and a lot of that work is going to have to come from your WW. You'll likely be suffering from PTSD-like symptoms for a while. It's a normal response. Your brain is going to be in hyper drive, constantly looking for danger around every corner. Thats why trauma counseling is often suggested for betrayed spouses. Just know that you're not going crazy, and you're not doing anything wrong. You need to feel those feelings to process and come to terms with what happened. I'm still going through it myself, and it sucks.

Fortunately my wife is being pretty understanding about it, dealing with my mood swings and constantly wanting to know where she's at pretty much at all times. She's accommodating me and doesn't have an issue with sharing her communications with me and letting me know her whereabouts at all times. She understands that she obliterated any and all trust in the relationship and needs to earn it back. Words alone aren't going to do it. It's going to take a very long time of consistent, repeated actions to even begin to earn any trust back, and even at that it's still never going to be the same. My days of 100% blind trust are over. As someone else said to me here recently, "because 100% blind trust has never worked out well for anyone on these forums..."

Our old marriage is dead. She killed it. The best I can hope for is that we rebuild a new one. Hopefully a better one than before. I can say that in many ways we're closer, more open, and more honest than we've ever been. There's hope. If it weren't for the damned affair, I'd say we're doing great right now, but it happened, and it kills me thinking about it. We still have a ways to go before either of us are really healed.

So I guess my next question is, can there be touching? Can I hold her hand while we have this out, hug her? Be hugged? Or is it better to stray from physical contact for the moment?

That's entirely up to you and her. Different people react in different ways. Some are so put off that they start sleeping in separate beds while they work through it, and some, like in my case, go through a period of "hysterical bonding" where your intimate relations get turbo charged. I don't know if there's a right way to handle it. You'll have to figure that out for yourselves. But there's no rule about physical contact when it comes to this. It's whatever you're both comfortable with. My wife wants constant physical contact with me ever since this happened, and I'm more than okay with it. Even tho I'm crushed, I do love her very much.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:17 PM, Friday, June 27th]

Corpse, sorry you had a need to find this place.
Regarding her IC, make sure you vet them on their views on infidelity. All therapists are not equal, and some have views that can be patient centric to the point of supporting damage no well adjusted person would want to inflict on their loved ones.

Another book often recommended is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You can find more articles and recommendations in the Healing Library here.

You don’t mention it but if her affair partner is married or has a girlfriend they should be informed. If your source of information about his relationship status is whatever he told your wayward wife and what she’s telling you it should be verified independently.

Just a quick disclaimer, I've only joined this forum a few weeks ago so take anything I say with a grain of salt. I don't often participate in the threads in this section because I don't have a lot of sage advice or experience with all of these different situations. I'm still pretty busted up with my own. I just felt like I could relate to yours because it's very similar to mine. I just found out about my wife's affair only a couple of months ago, and all I can do is share my own personal experience. Even tho our stories are pretty similar, my wife and I are 2 different people, and we're handling it in our own way. I decided to give reconciliation a shot pretty early into it, against some good advice given here. Not that I was told not to try and reconcile, but that I should give it more time before making that decision. Another factor for us is that our son is grown and out of the house now, so there aren't any young children involved. You may end up on a totally different path.

My decision to reconcile is very conditional, and my wife knows it. If I catch even a hint or wisp of deception or tomfoolery I'm taking it back. Things were pretty rocky for us that first week or so, and I did initially start divorce proceedings. That seemed to really shock my wife out of the fog she was in. That's another mental state you might want to read up on. It's actually called "the fog" and many WS (and BS) get wrapped up in it. You can find some articles in the healing library as well as online in general. It's a real thing, and it's hard to break out of it for some.

I'd say so far it's good that your wife sent a NC message and blocked her AP this early on. That's a good start if R is your goal. Some WS try very hard to cling to the affair and resist NC or blocking their AP. I wouldn't let your guard down.

Welcome to SI and I'm glad you found us early. Please be sure to read the posts pinned to the top of the forum. There are some other good posts that aren't pinned but you can find by looking for the bull's eye icon.

You mention that the AP (affair partner) is a coworker. She needs to go NC (no contact) and find another job if you're not comfortable with her transferring to another facility. She should also create a written timeline and include what she was thinking at this time.

Please take care of yourself and practice self-care at this time.

I am sorry I cannot let this go:

Some people heal in one year while others may take longer.

Please show me an example of someone whose spouse committed adultery and they were fully healed in ONE YEAR. This statement is inexcusable. There are recent posts all over this forum discussing how the "standard" advice given here of "2-5 years to heal" is unrealistic. Go look in the R (reconciliation) forum right now, where there are multiple discussions of more than 5 years out and still hurting bad.

I say this to warn OP that reconciliation, if he is dead set on choosing that, is more like a life-long process, and one with zero guarantees of success. Yes, it can happen, but let’s not mislead OP. Being fully healed in one year is more than unrealistic - it’s simply disingenuous.

Again, I am thankful for the replies and support. We both went together today and set up our STI panels in the next week. We have agreed to IC. We both know it's gonna be a long haul.
She agreed to start looking into facility transfers. In the mean time she will be working the complete opposite shift of the AP...

I am under no delusion that this will be settled in days, weeks months or perhaps even years. I am receiving no push back on any demands. It's now understood going forward that I will tolerate nothing less than complete honesty. I told her I am not telling my parents and I told her it was because I know my mother would try her damndest to poison the kids against her. I feel like that helped her in a way, because she is ironically worried now that it's out the open about how it will impact the kids.

I know some may not agree but I apologized for my reaction last night too. I really expressed how upset I am and hurt and betrayed. But I have never in 13 years been as nasty to her as I was last night and I felt dirty for it so I apologized. And yeah I get it, never in the last 13 years has she betrayed me it for tat but I'm just not a genuinely nasty person. She still very much knows how absolutely fucking destroyed I am. I am currently seaking out a trauma counselor in order to help me digest and continue maintaining some level of civility while at the same time being able to express myself to her.

I look forward to hearing her choice of IC so that I can do some research. I definitely don't want to encourage her to deal with herself all the while receiving validation for her actions.

I find myself craving physical contact through all this. She's definitely not the same about it but she does not push me away. So I am grateful for that. Between being able to unload here and have some form of physical comfort I feel less anger and more centered.

Anyhow. Thanks all. Really mean that. What a great time to be alive when support is at your fingertips, only moments away. Really is amazing.

You’re doing very well considering your recent DDay. If your WW was still engaged in her A I would advise doing a 180 to give you mental space to process and grieve and get your bearings. But it appears your WW is taking some initial steps and is willing to cut contact with her AP. You will be on a rollercoaster of emotions for a while alternating from anger, despair, frustration and good days. Most importantly take care of you. IC with a betrayal trauma specialist is a good start. If you have a moment where you want to hold your WW’s hand it’s okay, because there will be other days you’ll want to slap it away. And always watch her actions and not her words. Be skeptical and be aware.

Keep in mind that nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. Let me put it this way, your WW could have married Jeff Bezos in Venice today and she would have eventually cheated on him. Your WW cheated because she is broken and has the capacity to be unfaithful. Can she change? Yes, if she sincerely does the hard work to face her own brokenness. Can you R? First you heal you, and she works on herself. You will figure out if you want to try and R with time. Right now you are just trying to figure out how your life got blown to bits. Keep posting. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:00 PM, Saturday, June 28th]

You say she is not craving physical contact. Is that because she still has feelings for this man? That is possible.

Make sure to let her know that if she still does have feelings for him that rebuilding your relationship can’t even start until she works through those feelings with a professional (her IC should specialize in infidelity) and until she finally sees him as the true piece of sh*t he is for cheating w a married woman and helping her destroy her family.

I always say if the Wayward Partner can’t get their Affair Partner out of their heart mind body and soul, there is very little chance that rebuilding will be possible.

I always say if the Wayward Partner can’t get their Affair Partner out of their heart mind body and soul, there is very little chance that rebuilding will be possible.

Very little ?? ZERO more like. As if (real) reconciliation chances after a PA weren't minimal already.

Corpse, this was pretty severe. All the usual, the lying, sex with a coworker, only stopped because she was caught, not from guilt, love for you etc. Worse yet, Naughty pics on her google drive? I’m guessing she sent him nudes? The guy will have copies forever giving him a sense of control, he has proof of their "love" and can show anybody at any time. This is a crazy hurdle to recover from. I think couples therapy is a great idea. Explore her reasons, ways to help her communicate better and walk the straight line in the future. My wife is on constant Life 360 monitoring. I know her phone code etc. She could still easily cheat, but she gave up some of that privacy when she cheated, years ago.

Is her AP married or has a partner ? If so this person should be informed.

Is her AP married or has a partner ? If so this person should be informed.

💯
OP, heed this advice if you want any chance at R. The "other betrayed" will hold AP accountable, and your very best ally in confirming this adultery never rekindles. So selfishly, it’s in your best interest to inform the other betrayed. And not selfishly, the very best thing for the other betrayed is to know, so they can make informed decisions about their own true, and yes shocking, reality. Keeping the other in the dark is morally wrong. All this to say you have EVERY GOOD REASON to inform the other betrayed. I pray you don’t need to learn the hard way on this one.