SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. My one year d-day "anniversary" is in a few weeks. I posted in JFO a few times in the immediate aftermath and got much support from the wonderful folks here. Since then, while I haven’t posted, I have lurked and have learned SO much from everyone’s experiences and advice. Thanks to everyone who posts their questions and to all who answer and provide much-needed support.

I consider us to be in R but know that if things get too painful, I can and will walk away - and he knows that too. I am extremely fortunate (?) that while my WH cheated, he pretty much immediately admitted it when I found out and confronted him. There was really no TT and since day one he has been a "model" WS (broke it off with and cut off all contact with his AP, immediately got into IC, is always willing to talk with me and listen when I need to in spite of it being uncomfortable for him, having totally open and honest conversations, doing little things throughout the day to show that I and our relationship are a priority for him, showing real remorse, telling me how much I mean to him, gave me access to all his devices, etc., etc.). However, and I know from reading here that this is normal, I am really struggling as the one year mark approaches. I still lapse into wondering how he could have done this, why he couldn’t be the husband he is now without the betrayal, etc. I have had my moments over the past year but it feels particularly acute now. He understands ( he has done a TON of reading about infidelity, how to help me recover from it, and done a lot of work to figure out how he got to the point where he cheated) and is trying to do what he can to make it less painful for me.

I guess I’m just looking for suggestions on how best to get through this period, although I suppose it’s no different than what I have been doing - accepting my feelings, allowing myself to feel the emotions, and then discussing them with him after I’ve processed them. But if anyone has any other suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Infidelity just really, really sucks.

Year one was brutal.

I tried mindfulness, I worked out, I did activities that normally give me joy.

I think it literally takes time to heal from emotional trauma. Even if your WS is working hard, it also takes time to believe that effort — because your brain is still in protection mode.

As I recall, I really started to focus on what was going well versus what had happened in the past. It took some more of that dreaded time (life is short, and I wanted to avoid misery as much as was possible).

We still aimed for some good days, planned some talks when I needed them, planned some dates, just for a sense of normal and did chores together, etc.

I think stringing some good days together, continuing to focus on my own recovery was year two.

When folks at SI told me 3-5 years on average for recovery, I didn’t think I could make it mentally.

Year three was when my wife’s actions were consistent enough for me to believe she was putting us first (finally) and I had really figured out what I wanted from life (not just from the M) and really leaned back into my M after I fully jumped into R.

Remember to be kind to yourself first and keep building from there!

The first year was a hell for me. For me, the anticipation of the first DDay antiversary was worse that the day itself.

I honestly didn't know what would help, but I knew that going into that day I was already dreading it. What worked for me, was genuinely having a discussion with him about that dread. I just told him that I felt like I was going to need some help getting through the day without it overwhelming me. Using a lot of I statements....rather than attacking him about it (though, I did more than my fair share of that....it didn't help us and didn't help me to feel better). That first year, whatever I needed to do, that was within my moral compass, I did. I had never really been one to ask for help, but I learned to. I leaned heavily on my best friend, who knew what we were going through. If I thought buying a cookie, or floating in a sensory deprivation tub, or trying acupuncture would help....I gave myself permission to do it. That has served us well over the years.....we are both more open about what we need individually and helping to meet those needs for each other. We pull together so much more than we did pre-A. That pulling together was one of the things he could do in the first couple of years that showed me that he was all in.

We settled on him planning us a nice bike ride together. It was a beautiful day. We planned fun, low risk activities (so I could opt out at any time if it got to be too much). The exercise and sunshine helped. I was still anxious, but I could see how far we had come in that year. The second year was, in some ways, more painful for me. First year, I was just struggling to survive. The second year I really wrestled with accepting that I didn't want to leave him. I thought it would be a deal breaker for me.

Just had our 6th antiversary a couple of months ago. I made until almost the end of the day before I realized it. It DOES get better. You will feel better eventually. It will definitely take longer than you both want it to. Hang in there. We will celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary this year. Things have fundamentally changed for us. I still have what I call my "quick release button". I still know that either of us tap out at any time. We still have conflicts, but we are much better at working together to solve them.

Like Ladybugmaam said - the period of time leading up to it was soooo much worse than the day itself. Take care of yourself. Listen to your body and do what will bring you comfort at this time. For me it was reading self help books and kind of tuning out the rest of the world to focus on me and our M.

Thank you all for your kind replies. I will just allow myself to keep feeling my emotions (something new for me - I was the queen of stuffing down most uncomfortable feelings) and talking to him about them. I’ve told him this is a difficult time for me and he’s doing everything he can to make it easier for me but there’s just no getting around the fact that this was a huge trauma that will take time to recover from.

Our relationship now is so much better than before the A and I’m grateful for the "new" marriage. But even with my WH doing all the right things now, this is so bloody hard. I see why everyone says it takes 2-5 years to recover.

Thanks again for the advice and support. I really don’t know what I would have done over the last year without this site.