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This morning I have found a video on WH's phone of him masturbating. It was in his Google photos, but had been deleted from his gallery.

He and AP used to send eachother these sorts of videos. So you can imagine how triggering this is for me 😭

He tried to lie / gaslight about the details initially, but obviously the video is dated.

He says he did it because we aren't having sex anymore and it's a turn on, or "kink" for him, because he no longer watches porn. That could very well be the case - but IF that is the case, he has gone to the effort to do it secretively, and delete the evidence. He knows what it would do to me if I found out!! And surely that it looks extremely suspicious. I really don't mind how he masturbates, it is his business. If videoing himself was his bag, then all it would have taken was a chat about it, and that's fine. Like I say, I really don't mind.

We agreed no more porn since Dday - which now he says he HAS watched since Dday. Yet when I said well clearly you've then gone to the effort to delete it from your history he claims he never did as it must have auto deleted within 3 months, but it was ages ago and he hasn't watched it in absolutely ages. I'm sorry, but I would have seen it from going through his phone!

I don't believe a word he says and whenever he tries to explain, he digs himself holes, changes direction and nothing feels clear.

I am now in a position whereby I really am wondering whether he is still cheating. Or something. I don't know, nothing feels right 😣 There are no other behaviours at all to suggest he is... But even if the video was just for himself, this still feels like another Dday?! Is this an overreaction? If so, why do I feel like this?!

[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 2:55 PM, Tuesday, April 22nd]

What stands out to me is that you made an agreement on d-day. He violated the agreement and lied about it.

You say, ' I don't know, nothing feels right 😣.'

It looks like you're ignoring reality, but that could be just the surface. Are you in denial?

Broken agreements and lies kill relationships.

Sadly I think this stuff is going to keep happening and your other post about no change in 3 years just confirms this. My advice is going to be the same as on your other post. You are going to have to detach and not care about this kind of stuff since it is upsetting to you and why wouldn't it be it breaks your boundaries.

He lies, deflects and blames you for your reactions. This is not R or a remorseful spouse.

You are not overreacting and you feel this way because he is not changing, he is still wayward and he's not remorseful. I think this is just another example of why you need to detach.

He claims that he watched porn AFTER we made the agreement.

It's insane making!!!! Since dday, his use of porn has been spoken about, but I can't recall precisely when, but I know it was within the first few months after.

Prior to his affair, I never had an issue with him watching porn, but it was him after dday that owned up to exactly how much he was watching it (I wasn't aware) and that it was an issue for him. He stated that he now finds porn "triggering" to watch and he now see's how disrespectful it is. I agreed that I just don't feel comfortable with him watching it anymore. Since that conversation (a few months at least after dday) , although it has not been the main focus of our discussions, I have reiterated that I would not want him watching it and he agreed he had no interest.

Fast forward to today. He says he has watched it since dday but then has said but not since we agreed for him not to. Well that was around 2.5 years ago now!!! When I ask when he watched it, he says he can't recall, he said "I don't know, maybe the beginning of last year". So dday was June 2022 and he is now saying it may have been as recent as Jan 2024?! He is essentially trying to claim that the agreement we made we only fairly recent. NO IT WASN'T!!! And apparently he never deleted his browsing history or anything, I just happen to not come across any porn websites?! Sure!!!

^^^
It is this behaviour that I am talking. Everything turns into a word salad, and nothing he says adds up or makes sense.

Even if he has not sent that video to anyone - it is the secretive behaviour behind it. It's lies, it's secrecy (of something that naturally I am going to find triggering!), when all it took was a conversation!! Pfft I could have even reminded him to delete it properly so our kids don't stumble across it when they use his phone at times!!!

I want to detach more then anything from this man. It is difficult when I am feeling this sad though - I just don't know where to start 😭

Eventually this is going to wear you down and you will automatically start detaching ask me how I know I stayed far too long in my M. Sometimes it just takes that final straw to break us and we are done. I'm so sorry. The only thing I can suggest is to sit with your emotions and just let them out. Then start an active process to detach. Stop listening to him and start living your life for you. I wouldn't do much for him, let him deal with himself. Don't look at his device, don't ask him any questions, don't expect anything different. Maybe he will notice maybe not, but the more you practice the 180 you will be less inclined to care about anything in regards to him.

He says he made the video for himself?

Seems strange to me.

What does he need a video for when the live action is right in front of him?

Well I am out of straws at this point. Since all the TT "ended" approximately one year ago, he has claimed religiously that he has absolutely given me a full disclosure re the affair and that he would never ever lie to me again, as he doesn't want to hurt the kids. And yet read my last thread a few days ago - lies and now today this.

I have asked him to leave, but he refuses (it's "his house too"). It causes me so much stress him being here and worrying that the girls are going to pick up on something or hear something.

As for why he took the video. He claims he now isn't looking at porn, but has "just realised" videoing his wank sessions is a turn on. But that he "thinks he has only done it two or three times", the previous time was apparently in October / November 2024. It sounded plucked out of thin air to me. And before that he doesn't know if he did or didn't. Oh, and apparently hasn't masturbated before at all without the porn, so that leaves a potential almost a year to two years of never masturbating? With the last year being very sparse (now non existent), in the bedroom. Silly me, I just presumed he was masturbating as normal since the affair. All along he claimed he hadn't even been doing that, and I told him he should, as I worry about his health (said this in a jokey way).

I'm extremely skeptical as to what he has done with that video. What I do know is that I cannot tolerate the secrecy - especially of something like this, that he did with AP.

He lied and told you that the door to his secret sexual basement was sealed, but it's not. He might even have wanted to never look at porn again and believed himself when he said he really meant it, that he was done this time.

IMO, the expanded access to porn that the internet facilitated is one of the worst things that happened to our society in the last thirty years. I believe that most men use it, and most users hide and/or lie about the frequency of their usage. I'm also of the opinion that setting a boundary about a partner's porn usage is almost always going to backfire.

From Psychology Today: "Using a set of metrics that includes indicators of monthly unique visitors as well as monthly pageviews, the authors found that the top three pornography sites are more highly ranked than the most well-known household name sites (Amazon, Netflix, Yahoo) as well as those that are the most up and coming (TikTok, OpenAI/ChatGPT, Zoom).

Exactly how great is this disparity? In a word, huge. Xvideos, the top-ranked pornography site, had 700,000,000 more total visits than Amazon and 900,000,000, 1,100,000,000, 1,300,000,000, 1,500,000,000, and 1,800,000,000 more total visits than TikTok, OpenAI, LinkedIn, Netflix, and The Weather Channel, respectively."

I don't know about you, but I find that stunning. That's what we're up against.

The porn use is the least of your problems.

He appears to have an addiction to both porn and lying.

I’d suggest seeing an attorney to move forward with him leaning the home.

I’d suggest professional counseling for you. It will
Help You process all of the lies and misinformation he has fed you.

And lastly, STOP having conversations about his porn use, Videos, when he made the promise to stop porn and when he actually stopped etc.

You already know everything you need to know. He’s a liar and cannot be trusted.

Make plans for a happier future, whatever that may be.