SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AFter a year of my WS supposedly doing the work, stopped drinking, no porn, no escorts ( per him it was one summer) - I found out he had been drinking on business trips, he had been back into porn for 4 months and he lied and hid it all. I told him to leave. One week later, my precious Golden Retriever died....it's been a lot

WS is devastated, begging to save his family. He is distraught. Im trying to not focus on him and also to not have contact because I'm in a "mean" stage. He has started ACA and SA Anonymous......knowing him he is probably far more into ACA because he says hes not "like the others who are sex addicts " UHG.

I have followed through on the boundary I set- he is out. I told my young adult son, who knew nothing before other than thinking "mom was going crazy" and Ill tell DD this weekend. I have an appt with an attorney. I'm taking care,have support , eating well and exercising.

AND....I miss my husband. We were together almost all the time since we both work from home. I miss our walks, talks, snuggles at night by the tv. Our "healthy" sex life......US. Then I think about how oneminute he is with me and the next when I walk the dogs he is watching porn, How he gets irritable when he is engaging in that with both me and my children. My daughter is hurt by his impatience and mean spirit when he is acting out....she is 22. I know he always "love bonds"me because he liked his life like it was....two separate worlds. Now he is couch surfing and looking at apartments but not wanting to commit to. a year lease. He literally thinks he can turn this around- Im not so sure. LYING TO MY FACE over and over. 25 yrs is a long time and we had a good life, loving. I now realize hes probably been this way the entire time......so depressing. I'm lonely, my other dog is lonely. My big full house is now just me. I dont see a way through for us, but I also cant imagine not getting through. Just venting.:(

Vent away! You're actually doing great. Of course this is painful, and as a dog lover, I know how painful the loss of your pooch would be at any time, let alone right now. I see why they fecommend no contact, it must be torture to have to listen to the addict moaning and crying about their self-inflicted losses. UGH indeed. Hang in there and hang up the phone.

Tell me more about "no contact " please. Who recommends this ? The limited contact we have is about our young adult children.

No contact means you are not his friend. Nor his wife.

He cannot find a place to live - not your problem. Not your concern. You stop listening and end that conversation.

He cannot find a text you about bills, finances, his new residence address and when & where he can get his stuff.

Other than that, you just don’t respond.

He’s love bombing you b/c he has an addiction but doesn’t really want to get help for it. He’s shown you that his needs come before doing the right thing.

This is really really hard for me. But I’m doing it for the most part. We love each other very much. He is really suffering. I am really suffering, but I know that he was perfectly comfortable having a secret life and probably he prefers that but that’s not gonna work for me so now nothing to do. I set my boundaries he violated them and I’m following through. That being said, it feels very sad

It can be tough. When I first moved out, it was like I was grieving the marriage I thought I had. all the plans for the future, etc.

It does get better.

From what you've shared, you are doing a fantastic job of navigating this difficult situation. You set clear boundaries, and you've followed through with the things you said you'd do if those boundaries are violated.

He is really suffering. I am really suffering, but I know that he was perfectly comfortable having a secret life and probably he prefers that but that’s not gonna work for me so now nothing to do. I set my boundaries he violated them and I’m following through.

You are really suffering, and that's what the boundaries are for. I know how hard it must be to know that he is suffering, but you are not enforcing your boundaries to cause him pain. You're enforcing the boundaries for your own well-being. Boundaries protect you and create room for the relationships that love, respect, and honor you, and it sounds like right now he's not in a place to do those things.

This is hard, but as others have said, it does get better. Two months ago I was exactly where you are - missing him, alone in the house with the dogs - and now I realize what a weight has been lifted and how much more peaceful and joyful life can be when you aren't spending every day with someone who lies to you and abuses your trust. I'm reading The Betrayal Bind, and it's been a great resource to help me process this experience, so yo may want to check that out if you haven't read it. Sending you strength!

My IC told me that of course it’s difficult to untangle from my WS bc there are great times in the marriage, kids, home, etc. but that I HAVE to stay in reality about his addictions.
I can still love him, but for mine and my children’s sanity I had to let him go.

Keep posting here and DO NOT tell him about this site.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:55 AM, Tuesday, March 4th]

I know that he was perfectly comfortable having a secret life and probably he prefers that but that’s not gonna work for me

You said a mouthful right here, so HANG ON TO THIS!! If you stand on this truth, you will be better equipped to get free of the surreal relationship he wanted you to have with him! And believe me he wants that from you. Oh yeah. He is losing HIS "stable base" that you provided, while you are striving mightily to gain your own stabilty from his sickness/madness. Because sex addicts are wounded people who absolutely crave pseudo-intimacy, but they are absolutely REPELLED by actual partnership!

Don't question your higher knowledge that we are hearing you express here, it is guiding you out of the emotional fixation part. And (((hugs))) in the meantime, 'cause you did not deserve this. (Sorry that he is hurting too, but this is part of: NO CONTACT means NO NEW HURTS - for YOU!!)

I did tell him I wanted a full disclosure…….he said he will when time is right…..but I’m not so sure….usually he lies because he’s "afraid of what I’m gonna do" and has gaslight me in the past :(. Thoughts?

Isn't 'I will tell you when the time is right' more gaslighting?

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I got full disclosure a year after my initial d day. And it was awful. But…I know the truth now and I know the history of my marriage and who he can be and was. I am three years out from d day. We are doing ok. He has been working on himself and has had no "relapses" he knows there is no option to live that double life again. He did continue to text his last affair partner after I found out so I had false reconciliation for like four months but that was at the very beginning more than 2.5 years ago. And ya the love bombing of me during that time was intense. Since then I don’t even want him to say I love you. Neither of us say it and I’m not sure that it will be said much ever. I don’t want to hear any words from him quite honestly. He has had to have actions. Consistently putting me and the kids first. Doing small things for me. Helping me at home. He’s still in try outs to stay in this house with me. I will live in peace by myself if it comes to it.
I had to tell him I would not stay in the marriage without a lie detector test. He then told me everything. Ten years of multiple one night stands. His cheating was based on opportunity when traveling, he did not seek out escorts but hard to know if it would have escalated.
We also had a good relationship and good sex life. I think that makes it particularly difficult.
Please try to get the truth. It will drag out your healing and I think you know there is more than the one summer of him cheating with escorts.
I think that these type of people that are continually deceptive have to have consequences and loss. My WH also had no intention of leaving me. He knows I’ve been an outstanding partner and wife. I will never accept that level of use and disrespect again and I still struggle with the thought of it now.
He needs to work on disclosure now while you’re separated. That will give you time away from him to think.

Satya perhaps I misunderstood your post above I quoted, because the way I thought you meant "comfortable with a secret life and probably prefers it but that's not gonna work for me" was that you clearly recognized he will ALWAYS prefer to keep things hidden, since hiding is central to who he really is (which won't work for you, since you aren't willing to risk more betrayals.) Right! Right?

But maybe after your last post I'm wondering if you simply meant that for the relationship to "work for you," all he needs to do is to come clean about the extent to which he has already betrayed you? That's a very different meaning to what I thought you were saying. It would mean that you think the marriage could work for you with what he did already, if somehow he would miraculously transform himself from here on into someone open, honest and with enough moral fiber not to cheat on you. Think about that. Really ask yourself how realistic is that?

Aren't you perhaps in the "bargaining stage" of your grief when you tell him something like that AND do you see he takes that as you clinging to the relationship at great cost to yourself? And he has no intention of even doing that for the sake of helping you see him more clearly? Please, please don't go down that rabbit hole, like I did for so long! And it's really hard when so many people encourage that kind of thinking, usually people who do not understand what is going on inside the marriage. And the damage it is doing to YOU!

My sex addict (f?)WH still to this day prefers to hide "little" things that he senses would make him look bad, like running through his life savings without me being aware he is burning through it...someone else is never going to change their internal wiring, even if they stop sexually acting out. If all else is taken from someone, they still have free will in how to respond mentally as Viktor Frankl famously wrote. You can never take that choice away by pleading with him, so please see him for who he is.

Superesse- I do have the strong boundaries and I will not live with someone who has continued this behavior

We are separated. He is out

I also do not believe in black and white. I don’t believe some people are just "wired " certain way. I believe in healing and also in neuropathways as well as change. I certainly have changed and matured and grown in life from who I was when I was younger.

I have a deep spiritual life and am focused on myself while putting the wheels in motion legally. That doesn’t mean I don’t still love my husband — I’m just not sure he will really do the work or is capable of it …. And I’m not waiting around

Satya, I too still want to believe in the ability to change. I was trying to share with you that like it or not, some of us have found out the hard way with lost decades of our lives that we married a person who, for whatever reason, cannot or chooses not to change. In my case, my SAWH was given second and third chances, and I stuck it out 23 years after his first adultery was committed. You can do the same thing if you want to go through it, but frankly my point is: you deserve better than to live with the scars of his addiction.

They say people with certain personality disorders are not going to be able to change, but I never used to believe that, even when a couple therapists gently tried to steer me to that conclusion! Having gone back to college after D-Day 1 thinking 'I need to understand mental illnesses better than our lousy pre-marital counselor ever did' I took 55 semester hours of education and psychology lab research on the human brain, normal and abnormal human development, learning, cognition, social influences, etc. And throughout all, I maintained my belief in the human person's ability to change, to learn, to grow and to heal. So for sure, I agree with you. BUT, that was exactly why I hung in with hope for my sex-addicted husband to make the deep internal changes to be the guy he initially seemed to be, so that I might be able to trust him and live with him in love and peace some day in the future...

When he did it again 12 years later and was arrested at noon for soliciting a prostitute after being so sweet and loving to me 3 hours earlier on my birthday, I finally had to face an unpleasant truth: that my part in my suffering was having for years denied the worst prognosis for him, so I could keep on living in hope for a future I deeply wanted but clearly HE DIDN'T: a true partnership. Sex addiction is primarily an outgrowth of an intimacy disorder (Carnes). And so a preference for secrets has been deeply engrained, no matter what the subject matter may be. It's a bad way to live for the honest and open person.

I now see that there was more truth in some of the old slogans than I ever wanted to believe. Like the overused slogan on here "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." I used to hate that kind of summation, you know? I guess because it meant I'd have to face something I truly didn't want to face. So I just gritted my teeth and kept believing MY SAWH would someday be able to turn it around, since he repeatedly swore he wanted that too, if I could but endure the deficient marriage we had. That is what informs my posts to anyone here.

I think you may have answered my question about how you meant what you wrote, and I'm sorry if my reply came across as too "black and white" but I was just trying to save you some of the agony I and many others have gone through. Of course you are right, change is possible. Others here will attest to that as they have. But there is another outcome and we need to ask: what is the most probable?

I am separated…..we aren’t speaking….im moving cautiously and slowly…….but am in agony …knowing this will pass

It can be tough at first, Satya. Hang in there. It gets better.

Met with a lawyer and she said what my WS has done is "CRUEL" and " constructive desertion "……seeing her face as she spoke to me made me realize how bad this situation is…the gaslighting, emotional and psychological abuse……how he didn’t consider my feelings one bit. Now he is devastated of course, and maybe he has hit rock bottom but now that my kids know- my young adult children- I don’t have to " take the bullet " which is what I said I’d be doing in the beginning. I honestly love him, but I value myself, so I stayed to keep the family intact until he blew us up again.

I’m feeling clear, calm, sad…..but moving forward

Encouraging update Satya. It will only get clearer and better as time goes on, and you are on that better path now I can tell.

I just got a little advice from a good friend I confided in about my living sitch who told me the same thing we have said here about setting boundaries: that what happens to my SAWH after he refuses to honor my boundaries CANNOT be my concern. That my concern MUST be my own health and well-being. She told me when the abuse - and she used the "A" word for the kind of emotional abuse we have been dealt - starts to affect your health, you set a boundary for your own protection and THEN YOU WALK AWAY. She chided me that my tendency has been not to actually WALK AWAY like I should have. Guilty as charged....guess that is why I've spent so many years in pain and try so hard to warn people anout the disordered partners.

(But when I asked how to do that when he is still in MY space, she said "then just get up and leave the room!" It works so much better if the break is clean, this IHS sucks as it doesn't "fix" anything.)

I will have to research constructive abandonment as grounds, hadn't heard that one used in years but it surely fits. If a person cannot stand true intimacy, they should not choose marriage. Love is not enough as someone else said.

Satya, thinking if you. Hang in there, ok?