SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband told me, on my birthday (55), that he was sleeping with another woman. That was 12 weeks ago (precisely). I honestly thought I was his world and he was definitely mine. My world has shattered. He works in Iraq, has done for 11.5 years despite us agreeing to it being only 2 possibly 3. We have 4 kids (all are diagnosed as neurodiverse) and I was desperate for him to come home. Yes the money was nice but I'd had enough of raising our kids alone, I wanted to have my partner back. He says he slept with her to punish me because I was bullying him (asking him to give up working in the Middle East). Said he still wants to retire with me but that I will have to wait another 10 to 15 years.

Naturally we're splitting up but I thought I'd be angry. Instead I'm just totally lost and in pain.

I just need to hear from others who have gone through it, or are going through it. Just to be able to talk to others. Some days I'm strong, others I'm struggling to get out of bed. My youngest is 14 so I do still function (thankfully) but staying strong for the kids feels so hard. Yes they've seen me cry but his bombshells never seem to stop. Now he's not coming back for Xmas (he's off to the far east (where I'd hoped we'd next go)) and the kids are really upset. I've tried to ensure they keep their relationship with him but when he does things like this I wonder why I bother.

I’m so sorry to hear about your betrayal and the pain it has understandably caused you. The pain from betrayal trauma is some of the worst life has to throw at us. It is intense and it is long lasting. That is the bad news. The good news is it will get better. It will, I promise. You will need to take a very active role in healing from this. While it is wildly unfair, it is necessary. Just like it is unjust that the victim of a car crash caused by a drunk driver has to go thru all the pain and effort of rehabilitating, the truth is there is no other way and no one can do it for them. So you have a hard path to walk, but it is a path to healing and wholeness. You can do it.

I’m unclear from what you said, have you made a choice to divorce? You said "seperate", but with him gone all the time what does that mean to you?

He says he slept with her to punish me because I was bullying him (asking him to give up working in the Middle East).

The wayward BullShit is quote strong with him isn't it.

The sad reality is he is quite happy with his double life. All the security of home and hearth waiting for him while he sews his wile oats halfway around the world.

You sound incredibly strong and resilient. And a mama bear for your kids. You are shattered and still managing to get it done. Pay yourself on the damn back and I'm giving you a virtual Internet fist bump [and your WH a double virtual middle finger].

He's going to the Far East and anywhere else he can go now that he's dropped the bomb so he doesn't have to face the reality of his consequences. He can't outrun himself no matter how hard he tries..

With your youngest baby 14 [neurodivergent or otherwise] you don't have to mollycoddle them anymore about this. You can give age and emotionally appropriate truths. "Dad made these decisions. They are painful but this is the truth we must work to accept"

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're joining us here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some with bull's eye icons that can be helpful, too. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources, and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Your WH (wayward husband) is full of horse hockey. There's no excuse for cheating - period. He could have chosen to speak with you, he could have suggested MC (marriage counseling), he could have D'd (divorced) you. Instead, he chose to cheat.

First, please see your doctor and get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty things out there that can cause cancer or other disease. If you're having trouble with depression, anxiety or sleeping, ask your doctor for some meds. They can help you for the short-term and doesn't mean that you'll need them forever.

Next, please go to IC (individual counseling) to help you process the trauma. If you can find one with betrayal trauma experience, that can be very helpful.

And I'm sorry, but I'm going to guess that he has been unfaithful for some time, and he didn't sleep with OW (the other woman) just once. Cheaters lie, and then they lie some more. I'm betting that he doesn't want to stop his double lifestyle, and that's why he said what he did. Or, OW was thinking of telling you. He may have promised her marriage and is getting mad because he was staying M (married) to you.

With healing and time, it does get better but it takes years to heal. Sorry that you're here.

Wow, he’s a real peach.

I agree that he has probably been cheating for a while. I’m so sorry. My XWS also resented me for asking him to move back to our state when he worked remote for 18 months. (No kids, but it was still a stress). He did it but never fully forgave me for asking - it was also "that was the best job ever". I now have suspicions that he cheated, but who knows 🤷‍♀️. Our DDAY was 15 years later, but that had festered all that time. The point is, they make up reasons to justify their bad behavior. they have to manipulate it so we are the bad guys so they can tell themselves that we "made" them do, they deserved to be happy and get everything they wanted. Selfish to the core.

As the others have said, take care of you first. You have to take care of you so you can take care of your kids. IC, STD testing, eat healthy, exercise (at least take a walk every day), decent night’s sleep. Avoid drugs and alcohol.

Tell your kids in an age/developmentally appropriate way, but be HONEST. They need to know they have a parent they can trust and rely on, and obviously it’s not going to be their dad. They don’t need the grueling details, but they are sensing you are upset and if not given the reason why, they very likely may take some of the responsibility for their dad’s actions on themselves. So reassure them he did this and it had nothing to do with you or them- it is 100% all on him.

Also, talk to a lawyer (or three) ASAP to ensure you secure what is rightfully yours. He may have been siphoning off material funds to pay for his cheating and APs. You need to look after you and your kids here, so get the most bulldog lawyer you can who will make sure you get all you are entitled to. Do not tell him you are doing this. I have no idea if his working out of country changes things legally, so do some homework there and make sure you lawyer understands this dynamic.

Do you have folks IRL to confide in? That and IC are VERY helpful. If you are unable to function, talk to your doctor. Many of us experienced situational depression or anxiety and needed some help in the short term to help us get through this. No shame in this.

You will get through this. You’ve been raising your family as a single parent for a long time, so this may end up finding your life is more peaceful for you once the shock and sadness leave. You are already a super mom and strong and independent. It takes longer than any of us want to get through this, but the truth is you WILL get through it. Trust the 1000’s who have walked in your shoes (or very similar). You can do this.

Keep posting, keep reading.

So sorry this happened to you. It will hurt for a long time. Most flip from hurt to anger over and over. His cheating had nothing to do with you, he made the decision to cheat. Individual counseling does help, might help the kids too, if the first one isnt a fit try another. Interview attorneys, pick the best, protect you, the kids, and your finances.

You are strong, you can handle this.

A massive thank you to everyone who posted. Had a really tough weekend sorting out a lot of the financial stuff. It's galling to see just how bad it could be in terms of splits.

I've been awake since 2.10 this morning and keep having panic attacks. The doctor has given me some stuff for them, but I tried not to take until 5.30 this morning and on reflection that was stupid because driving my youngest to the train station this morning was distinctly 'dodgy'. In with all the financial woes is the basic fear of being alone. My kids are phenomenal with the oldest two FaceTiming me regularly to check I'm ok and the other two constantly hugging me. Being the child of divorced parents I don't want them to hate him (though I do want to be favourite parent ), my mother demanded that and I lost my dad as a result. I don't want that for them!!! But they're my children and they need to know they can grow up and leave and live their own lives without worrying constantly about their lonely mother. Ugh Ugh ugh!

InkHulk, I have decided to divorce. When I last had to see him (on our daughter's 21st) he simply showed zero regret and zero love. I have offered counselling and even found someone who would do zoom meetings but he's not interested. Yet a year ago I really thought our marriage was strong. He's really changed over the course of the last year and I don't like who he has become, though I suspect he's been changing over a far longer time than that.

Chaos, loving the "wayward BullShit" comment. Thank you

A couple of suggestions:
Get a very clear picture of your rights. A long-term marriage, extended periods where you are the sole care-giver to children, possible limitations on you to earn an income, an expectation that this would be your eternal marriage (and pension, financial security etc), his initiative in changing all this...
When evaluating what you are entitled to, then look into ways to decrease any dependency on him. Like... If you are entitled to part of his pension or if he is supposed to pay you XXX per month for Y months... you might be better off converting that into a one-time payment as in more equity in the family home.

Hi Bigger,

Thanks for coming back to me. Yes, my solicitor has suggested a clean break. It scares me though as, until I've retrained, I've got no ability to earn very much. I used to be a mid level IT manager in Investment Banking but gave that up when we discovered that 2 of the kids were neurodiverse. All my attempts to go back to work have been thwarted by being essentially a single parent of four kids. He's even said "you've only got two now" and I thought that was an odd comment, but that was prior to D-Day so let it go. Now I've not earned money for 18 years whereas he continue to earn a massive salary for a good 10 to 15 years (he doesn't want to return to England for that amount of time).

I would imagine you could file to request alimony and child support. He abandoned you with no savings or income, and I don't think any court in the first world would let him get away with that without some kind of penalty.