I appreciate everyone telling me that what I am feeling is not victim mentality. I really thought it was abnormal to be thinking like this.
I'm going to do as sugested and keep working on my healing and having an "exit plan" in case my boundaries are crossed, or any type of cheating/betrayal/etc. happen again so I know that I will be OK either way. It seems like a wise thing to do that will set my mind at ease in at least one way.
As for creating an account in only by name, question, would that not be considered marital assets and he would be entitled to half of it? Also, is it considered unhealthy to keep this a secret? Here's the thing, there was a TikTok video that went viral where a man found his SAHW had been keeping such an account in her name only that he did not know about. I believe it had about $10,000 in it when he learned of it. He accused her of "stealing" his money and WH agreed with that assessment, going on and on about how it was underhanded and meant that she was just waiting to leave him. She only said that it was "just in case". I agreed with her, I mean, look at my situation, and so many other's on here. SAHM's are screwed in divorces. But I feel that if I tell him that this is something I want to do, he's going to say the same thing, that I'm just trying to save up enough money to leave him. How to navigate this?
If instead of you, it was HIM that was zealously guarding your marriage, I think you may eventually start feeling differently. If you could trust him to be careful, I don't think you would feel as much need to.
I agree so much with this! Unfortunately, I still feel that he will do what he wants just because he wants to. I don't mean to say that because he'll want to have conversations with co-workers, but because if asked, he won't want to explain why he can't/won't give his number. I think he would rather just give it and not tell me, to avoid the uncomfortableness of telling anyone why he declines to give his number, especially if it's only to women.
As far as I know, he has not given out his number since the last time we had this conversation. At that time, he admitted that my asking for this boundary was a consequence of his actions, and not because I'm trying to be controlling. But I did wonder if he only said that because he didn't want me to be angry anymore and not because he really meant it.
I have not seen any red flags in this department, but I suppose y'all are right in that my scenarios can prepare me for if those things happen. I won't be blindsided again. Such a sad consequence of infidelity.
The only answer is the hardest one really: focus on your own healing. Besides the scenarios you run through your head, what else have you done to prepare for any eventuality? IC for mental health? Nutrition and exercise for physical health? Connecting with others that bring you joy? A bank account with your name only in case you need it? A consultation with an attorney to see what separation or divorce might look like?
I am still in IC, I go every 3 weeks and it seems like a good time frame for me. I'm diabetic so I have to be pretty strict with what I eat and drink. I'm keeping it under control, but some days I wish I could DRINK! Yes, I know it isn't healthy, sadly though, I'm an emotional eater, and unlike others after finding out, I didn't lose weight, I gained it But, I'm better now and trying to stay healthy. I do daily walks, but that's about it. My motivation for exercising is nil to none. I don't have a bank account, but like I said above, I'm seriously thinking about it. I have not seen an attorney, but I very much wish to. This is something I have procrastinated about heavily! I know most people say that the outcome is never as dire as we think it will be after a separation or divorce.
hikingout
Thank you for your advice on trying to lessen the negativity train. I journaled a ton in the beginning but have since tapered off. I'll pick it up again and incorporate what you suggested. Fingers crossed, because I have lost so many nights sleep over this, ugh! Most importantly, it helps to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm not alone in this. Plus it helps to share with other people that know exactly what I'm going through and understand me in this way. Though I wish none of us were here at all!
Edie
Thank you for your insight. I never thought of myself as co-dependent, but it's something to look at. I suppose I spent decades putting WH in the center of my universe (catering to his wants/needs to the detriment of my own) that it's taking a LOT to let go and unpack. In fact, the biggest change to our relationship came because I began to take care of myself and started doing things I enjoyed for me and only me. I tried to share those things with him but he wasn't interested. I began to grow and yes, change, but for me it was in a good way. For him, that meant the I was growing away from him, because he was no longer the priority over everything else for me. I guess that's when he started to feel sorry for himself, the whole "poor me" thing. And of course, blamed me for his unhappiness because I wasn't meeting his needs! I still sometimes put his feelings over mine because I don't want to make him mad, and then I hate myself for it because I'm supposed to be standing up for myself and pushing back on his bullshit! It's a work in progress for sure. I spend a lot of time in therapy over this. But, I think I am going to start focusing on just me and my health, outside of the relationship. I had started to do this, then got sucked back into trying to push him to do more. Co-dependent? Hmm, I guess I better take a look at that, I'll bring it up in therapy for sure.
To clarify, is your husband exchanging numbers with women, despite your wishes?
As I said earlier, not that I know of. He did it last year while he was at training in another state and then tried to hide it when we were driving home after visiting our daughter out of state. It was a pretty bad blowup from me, I literally started looking for divorce lawyers because I was done! It wasn't that he did it, which was bad enough, it was that he didn't tell me he did it, and, he tried to hide it when messages began popping up in the chat! (it was a group chat with 3 other women in it and him. they set it up for the training, but it was cut short, that's why there were only 4 in the chat. Still, I thought it was so stupid because he said they set it up to text each other about class changes etc. Uh, they were all in the same class!