SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I didn't think it would happen, but it did. My narc-y, cheat-y ex, unaffectionately (and previously) known as my hex, and I have been divorced for 4 years. Some of you will know me from before.

I was so grateful that after the divorce I had gone strictly NC and it worked. I had led my life, did my healing and thought I was so grateful for this forum and the sharing of experiences...I wouldn't have known about NC otherwise.

A few days ago I got a 'threatening' letter in the mail. It was registered mail. All very official.

A bit of backstory. He lives on the other side of the world, has since remarried (6 months after the D), and for the last 6 weeks, was on my side of the world, visiting my adult daughter and seeing the grandkids for the first time. You would think that everything is coming up roses for him. But no, he had to take a weird dig.

The letter he sent was soooo bizarre. I had to laugh...he had set it up with very legal terminology. I guess he's a lawyer now. It was so ridiculous.

Basically he said he wanted copies and a memory stick of all of my photos (yes, my photos of our family --he never lifted a finger and the photos were all taken by me over almost 3 decades), and if they weren't delivered he would seek compensation/ pursue whatever means necessary, blah blah blah.

Now here's where it gets weird. I had taken the high road (hard to do but out of fear I think, I did it), and had given him access to my photo albums during the separation. He had taken copies, and gotten memory sticks of the photos, himself. Paid for them. Done. Gave back my photos, (wrecked the front of each one by writing with a black sharpie on the back, supposedly in order to track them and where they go back into the albums...bullshit..it was like a 2 year old did this...it was of no help when I got them back. Everything was in disarray and it took me and 2 friends hours to try to sort them out. And they were never sorted out in the end).

Then, my daughters each got copies of the memory sticks. Ok, you would think it's all done right?

I told my adult daughters. Here's my reasoning. I needed to know if they had given him my address. (I didn't think they did, but I couldn't be sure--and I know that he could have got it by digging..he's very persistent). I also needed to reality check that I had my facts straight (that he had gotten the memory sticks, given them to them). So basically I chose to tell them that this happened because I needed to know, those 2 things. Both wanted to 'come to my rescue' and ask him where he got the address from. But I asked them not to because I don't want them to feel they need to fight my battles in any way. I just needed some factual information.

One was cool about it and supportive. The other one was fine in the beginning and now has severe boundaries all of a sudden, not to talk to her about anything related to our dramas.

I have a hard time with this--his stupidity is still impacting me and my kids.

I really don't know how to be with my one daughter, at times. It feels very gaslighty because she changes her mind quite rapidly. And it's confusing. I don't know where I stand with her. Then we have long conversations about it and things go fine for awhile, then boom.

There's more to it than this, but this is the main part of the story.

Open to hearing your own stories of resonance on this. When does this end!!!????

He's so petty. And if anyone 'should' be petty with all that was lost, it 'should' be me. What I mean is, as many here can probably relate to, he devastated my life initially, then continues to take unsolicited digs. WTF? He got everything he every dreamed of and he's still so unhappy. My DD says she sees another divorce in his future.

Sounds about right.

One option is to send him a memory stick of family photos ~ just not yours. Maybe try The Simpsons, The Waltons, the Trumps, the Royal Family, Fred and Rosemary West and so on.

In all seriousness (I'm sorry but entitled control freaks get up my nose), ignore him. And well done you for four years NC!

Edited to say:
I didnt actually respond to your question as I dont have a relatable story ~ just wanted to wish you luck

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 12:30 AM, Saturday, September 17th]

Hey VezFromTaz...that made me smile...sending him a memory stick, but not with our memories. Ha.

Yes, ignoring him is my MO. Even thinking about any energy it would take to do otherwise, isn't worth it. So it's kind of nice to see the difference 4 years can make.

Thanks for replying.

I believe you and I am sorry you are going through it.

Haven't seen "my" hex in years. Photos are right where I left them carefully for him after paying to put them on a memory stick for myself. He's still making petty accusations to his lawyer and the court that I am withholding precious pictures....
Do these people get their missives from some central playbook?

It is hard because I want to protect the people in my life...I want to say to them "don't run out in traffic" (in other words if he would do what he did to me, know that he is capable of about anything). I just try to stand on my integrity and hold on to the person I know I am. It's hard. No one knows that more than me.

Sending ((virtual hugs))

I think he sees that he missed out on a lot so he wants YOUR pictures to be nosey and see what he missed. I think this is one of the craziest things I’ve heard on SI!!!! and Shehawk had it happen to her too. 🙀

Well at least he hasn’t tried to get a court date yet. My xh, I suppose, felt brushed aside when the kids and I continued on with our lives. He and OW actually took me to court because I was late on the house payments. Uuhhh yeah he was late on child support and quit getting the kids, 🤯, a huge expense to me. I didn’t respond to him, called my atty and we let the idiot look stupid to his atty and to the judge. That was better than arguing with him-which is what he and OW want-drama drama drama. My atty said, "Anyone can take you to court for anything, it doesn’t mean they are gonna win."

GL
Your post did prompt me about something ~ my ex and I, at the beginning of our relationship, travelled for 6 months around various countries pre mobile phone days. As you'd expect, we took photos of each other in front of various landmarks. When we arrived home and got the photos printed, lo and behold they were all of him ~ ex floating in the Dead Sea, ex in front of the Taj Mahal and so on. There were none of me. I told myself, for about 20 years, that he was just a silly old duffer who forgot to press the button ~ for 6 months. Then I witnessed the typical covert narc loss of control/exposure after D Day which triggered collapse and the silly old duffer turned into raving tantruming lunatic who wanted a trophy for merely existing. It was only then that the penny dropped he purposely did not press the button. My existence was irrelevant to him. Why record it in a photo. On the plus side at least he has no grounds to ask for a memory stick. Every cloud has a silver lining.

These sort of people are utterly pathetic, exemplified by the fact your ex is still trying to gain the upper hand years later in some game you're not even playing.

Hi Shehawk,

THank you.

Wow...this is so weird...because it would seem that they have some bizarre central playbook. What are the odds? I mean how is it even possible to have someone else experiencing the same thing?

Yes, I get that too...wanting to protect people. Namely my kids. Who are adults and are on to him, but they also want a relationship with him and that makes me feel like a mama bear.

Thanks for the reminder. Staying in integrity beats all of it. And I would think the more I stay NC, like for the REST of my life!!! the better off I will be. I seriously don't want to break my 4 year record...lol!!

It's been the way I survived and now am thriving. I don't need him trying to play out his crazy dramas. BUT it no longer messes with my serenity. If this had happened 4 years ago, I'd be totally anxious and not able to sleep. Now its laughable. And it easily rolls right off of me.

Homewrecked 2011

I think he sees that he missed out on a lot so he wants YOUR pictures to be nosey and see what he missed.

They were only pics from our time together. Nothing past that.

duh I think this is one of the craziest things I’ve heard on SI!!!! laugh laugh and Shehawk had it happen to her too. 🙀

. Thanks for the validation! My youngest calls it 'the stupid story'...We actually have a laugh about it. Not the case with my oldest though.

No court date. And seriously...as if he can sue me 1/2 a world away...I mean he can, but I can also not hire a lawyer and just draw it out for months and he can pay for it. WAit...! Naw...not worth my time. Back to NC.

Yeah, my youngest calls him a drama king. Not far from the truth. Sickening though.

Sorry to hear your troubles. It seems like the rules just don't apply to them. They do as they want.

VezFT
WOW! That's unbelievable! Just when you think they can't sink any lower. Sorry you had to go through that.

Then I witnessed the typical covert narc loss of control/exposure after D Day which triggered collapse and the silly old duffer turned into raving tantruming lunatic who wanted a trophy for merely existing.

This.

Well said. A trophy for merely existing. Mine was so competitive. Always wanted to make a bet, especially for money. Mostly mine! Did you find that to be the case? It always seemed so juvenile to me.

Yes, every cloud does have it's silver lining...most notably getting away from the dark cloud of narcs.

These sort of people are utterly pathetic, exemplified by the fact your ex is still trying to gain the upper hand years later in some game you're not even playing.

So true. I just wonder at what point it ends? And typically how many years before they break NC? Wonder if there are any personal stories on this. Surely to God they stop playing the game eventually! But I wonder...maybe not?

GL

From what I've read, they get worse as they become more irrelevant. I'm just grateful I have the more benign variety (although it was touch and go there when he became unhinged which was very scary, mainly I feared for my son) as I work with DV victims who get harassed and abused post separation for decades. My plan is to keep a low profile for the next 9 years til youngest turns 18, maybe wear a large hat and sunglasses out in public just to be on the safe side, and then consider witness relocation.

Yes everything is a competition, and of course you must lose. Your ex would have tasted imminent victory when he licked that envelope shut. I dont know what jurisdiction you are in but in Australia there is no legal basis for asking for a memory stick of old photos, unless it is part of property settlement. No one in their right mind would make an application to court seeking that.

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 6:10 AM, Saturday, September 17th]

VezFT

From what I've read, they get worse as they become more irrelevant.

Good reminder. I had done so much research around all this before, and then I stopped because I thought it was all good, he had left me alone. NC had worked. It was a bit shocking that he did this, but in a way, not really. Because I had read this in the forum way back, that this is what they do.

'Unhinged' is a good word--very accurate. I saw this as well. It was most bizarre. It happened during the separation. Like never having known the person.

The competition part is so immature. I can't believe I put up with him for so long. Terrible.

but in Australia there is no legal basis for asking for a memory stick of old photos, unless it is part of property settlement. No one in their right mind would make an application to court seeking that.

I'm in Canada, and interestingly enough, he's in Australia. (I used to live there with my youngest and him, now I'm back home with my oldest).

I was going to get a restraining order when I lived there but thought it might adversely affect my adult children on some level. Now I wish I had. Do you have any suggestions, living in Oz, and being in the DV field...how would that work? I'm actually flying there in 4 weeks, to finally see my DD after 3 years of being away from her. If I were to get a restraining order, is it best to do it there? I think I will. Because I don't want to live the rest of my life with stupid, idle threats. Open to some advice and ideas around all this.

It took me a loong time to be able to properly respond to this situation with my NPD ex (and he wasn't even the one that cheated on me, but he was the father of my children). I had to "play nice" for close to 20 years because he owed me child support, which he paid until my youngest was 22 when he finally paid off the arrears. Random demands would appear from time to time, probably when his second wife wasn't being nice enough to him.

But the final time I heard from him was when he discovered that he had not been invited to our eldest son's wedding. He called, irate, on our son's birthday, which happens to be Christmas Eve. He asked why he hadn't been invited and had missed his chance to attend. He blamed me, told me that I had poisoned the boys against him, and called me a drunken whore. I responded that I had taken his shit for enough years and I was done. I no longer would listen to his made-up accusations. He knew nothing about me or my life, and he was responsible for his relationship with his sons, which I had been reminding him of for well over a decade. HE had failed as a father, and he was damn lucky that I had assumed both roles and had made two successful and independent men. And as far as the drunken whore statement, I literally laughed out loud at that, right in his pathetic ear. I told him that his use of those words no longer had any effect on me, as I know who I am, and who he is, and his opinion of me just doesn't matter. So he could say, do, react in any way he wanted, and IT JUST DIDN'T MATTER. He of course reacted in fury. So I talked over his jibber jabber and told him he was blocked on everything. That unless he spent the money to have me personally served, he could not contact me in writing, and he was to LEAVE ME ALONE. That was the best Christmas gift ever! And I'm sure he didn't even plan on giving it to me.

I'm afraid, with this type of personality, you have to be overt in setting boundaries. But the plus side is, deep down, these are fragile cowards that lash out rather than own their own shit. If you don't make it extremely clear that you are NOT a cowardly potential victim of theirs, they will randomly strike out at you when they have no other person on which to land a blow. But realize that there is no bite to their bark. They back down and fold so quickly. Also realize that EVERYTHING they say does not matter to you.

BTW, I haven't heard from him since. It'll be 5 years this Christmas.

SolarChick:

Can't imagine having to play nice for 2 decades..good on you, doing what you needed to do to get the job done.

Random demands would appear from time to time, probably when his second wife wasn't being nice enough to him.

This is so helpful. My daughter offhandedly remarked, they're probably going to get divorced. I asked why and she said the new wife (who is really lovely by all accounts) isn't happy in her new homeland. Isolation, people at work are mean because she has an accent, etc. She wants to go back to her country of origin. So bizarre how he created almost the EXACT same scenario as when he was with me! Talk about trauma bond and repeating the trauma.

So, he had originally come back Canada on his own, then out of the blue, after a few weeks, he ships her out here too. Poor thing. It wasn't planned or anything, as far as I know. So typical of him. Anyways....this is good to know that it happens when she isn't being nice enough, and he can't get supply he needs. Hmmm. This is good. It makes sense to me now.

he was responsible for his relationship with his sons, which I had been reminding him of for well over a decade. HE had failed as a father, and he was damn lucky that I had assumed both roles and had made two successful and independent men.

So true. Mind had to take instructions to know how to try to be even slightly paternal. It wasn't until I had sent a Happy Father's Day text to a friend who said...same to you...that I realized I had been both parents to my kids. It was a bit of an abrupt realization.

Hmmm...I'm wondering if I break NC and send him a letter stating that he is to never contact me again. I'm not sure if I would also at that time tell him I'll get a restraining order if he ever contacts me in any way shape or form.

I'm just processing what to do here. I know the restraining order will have ramifications for my kids. Him and I have never been in the same room since 2018, and I'm not sure what this means for potential birthdays with the grandkids, even though we live in different countries.

I feel that the letter should say something like, never contact me again, or I will issue a restraining order. No contact means no contact via letter, social media, or in person.
The exception to this is if you are on your death bed, or will be paying me back my inheritance that you greedily extended your open hand towards, while you were cheating on me and the kids.
How does that sound?

BTW, I haven't heard from him since. It'll be 5 years this Christmas.

Congrats! Well played.

Update: This afternoon, I was researching restraint orders. As this will need to be done in 2 different countries and the hassle factor is huge, I decided to break NC after 4 years, and write a succinct, cutting, bold letter that makes it super clear he is never to contact me.
It felt cathartic.
And if it escalates, then I'll go for the restraining order.
Any feedback is welcomed right now.
THanks.

GL

Yes you are correct re Orders ~ they are not internationally recognized, so you need to get the Order in the jurisdiction where you intend to spend time. Then you have enforcement issues, since if you are in Canada with an Order made in Oz local police wont enforce it (say for example if he writes you an abusive letter). I doubt from what you are saying there would be a basis for a DV Order (since you were in intimate relationship that would be the correct order, not a RO) in Australia (the basis of an Order varies from State to State, but there has to be DV and risk of further DV). No idea about Canada.

In any event, I'd suggest not doing it unless there is a real risk of serious harassment because it is fuel for the narc (as you know they love negative attention and being notorious just as much as being drooled over). A very clinical cease and desist letter from a lawyer, not you (which is just more thrills for him), might do the trick, with a warning further contact will lead to a report to police for harassment and application to court to restrain him from contacting you.

These sorts do need a jolly good kick up the buttocks though, but I dont think police are allowed to do that anymore (maybe in some small country towns in Oz 🤣).

This type of post separation harassment is so effective because he doesnt even have to do much to trigger psychological distress in you. Ergh.

All the best.

Edited to say: sorry I didnt read you were visiting your daughter ~ oh well that explains what prompted him to send the letter. That is no coincidence. More control. Wants to sabotage your trip.

Idiot.

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 10:39 PM, Saturday, September 17th]

Have your attorney write the no contact letter.

This way it’s documented and has a legal aspect. And if he does contact you then get a restraining order.

Best of luck.

"On the plus side at least he has no grounds to ask for a memory stick. Every cloud has a silver lining."

It is good to look for a silver lining....

And I try to keep a sense of humor. Like who does this aweful stuff to people anyway? Apparently plenty of people ugh!

I wonder if seeing your daughters and grandkids provoked his sudden contact. He might be angry at discovering that life went on without him, so he's trying to reassert his existence. There is usually a trigger that makes people like this resurface. I had a long term relationship with a guy who treated me like garbage but then was relentless in stalking me when I finally ended it.

After restraining orders and one arrest he would stop for a long time and then all of a sudden I'd hear from him again. Six years ago, after five years of no contact, I came home to a package in front of my door. It was from him and it was a painting of a young peasant girl sitting in a wheat field with her dog and a sack of something. The letter inside explained that it was a painting of me, done in the 1800s (yeah, I'm not 200 years old) in Poland (never been there) that was painted telepathically through time and space and when he saw it in a flea market in a small town he knew brush was put to canvass with the sole purpose of the painting finding it's way to it's rightful owner, apparently me. Sufficiently creeped out I had our police department return it to him personally with a warning that he'd be arrested if he attempted contact with me again.

I wondered what it was that made him do that after five years of silence. I hadn't seen him or been anywhere that he would see me. I finally figured it out, at least I think I did. This happened right at the time he ran for US Congress. I think he wanted to paint a picture of us still being friends, in part because I was a city official. And because my orders of protection against him were easily found on the internet if his opponent wanted to find dirt on him, he wanted to neutralize things if I got contacted. If he could say I didn't reject this bizarre "gift" from him, he could accuse me of not really meaning I wanted no contact with him, and paint me as an upset female all those years ago. He was still trying to control the narrative.

On another note, I had the opposite photo experience recently. When my EXH left me 30 years ago pictures of him were the last thing I wanted. He died suddenly about a month ago. When my daughter and his wife, who was the OW, started planning the funeral, they discovered he kept every picture of me and him all those years, all the way back to our first date. In fact, he even had my wedding pictures from my first short lived marriage. My daughter and I were both baffled by it.

Charity411

How reassuring to know the future of your country was once in the hands of a deranged lunatic. Your ex I mean.

The photos of ExH could have just been so he could stare at himself and contemplate what a great catch he was back in the day. Probably still triangulating with you and OW in his mind ~ ah the halcyon days. Just a guess.

I am in strict NC with my xNPD. HE would usually contact me every couple of weeks but since threatening him with a restraining order and telling him for the 100th time that I do not want to be with him or get back together he has gone silent. I just don't know for how long I'm hoping forever but seeing as you all have gotten contact after many years I probably shouldn't be surprised when it happens.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:39 PM, Monday, September 19th]