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Hi, my story is not too complicated. I’m 38, she’s 36, and we’ve been married for nine years. We have two beautiful girls, ages 9 and 5, who both attend school. My wife is a stay-at-home mom.

D-Day, as they like to call it, happened on August 12 of this year.

The story goes back to our friendship with another couple. The husband is my best friend, and I would consider his wife my wife’s best friend. We’ve been really good friends with them for about 10 years. Over the years, our friendship as married couples crossed a lot of boundaries, including skinny-dipping and talking about sexual things, all as a group. I had never found my friend’s wife attractive, although at times I could have imagined all of us having sex together in the same room. Crazy, I know.

I felt like we had toned down that kind of behavior over time, but I could tell that, over the past year or so, the communication between my wife and my best friend had started to change. I was becoming increasingly concerned about how they acted around each other. She took notice of my concerns, and I also feel like she was letting him know about them.

To this day, I wish I had told him to back off. I’m not sure it would have helped, though.

Anyway, my wife claims it started innocently through Snapchat. She says the moment she knew things had changed was when he told her he wished he had her and that he had always liked blondes. I guess she was feeding into his compliments and building up her self-image, which she struggles with.

I was increasingly putting pressure on her about their relationship, and that’s when she started deleting messages and phone calls from him. She claims they never once talked about having sex or sent nude pictures. At this point, though, what difference would that make?

Fast-forward to the night it happened.

My wife and I had completely unplanned plans to stop by their house one afternoon. We brought a case of beer, and we had our youngest daughter with us. I should also mention that they have a 9-year-old son.

We were all drinking together, and as the night went on, it got to the point where it was too late and we had all had a little too much to drink. My wife even mentioned that we could just go home, and I really wish I had taken her up on that offer.

We had all gone back inside, and, to our surprise, the kids were asleep. We laid our youngest daughter down in their spare bedroom and their son in his room, which was connected to the spare bedroom by a Jack-and-Jill bathroom.

Once that was taken care of, we decided to mix a few more drinks and go outside. Before we knew it, it was 3 a.m., and one of the kids woke up, so we decided to call it a night.

My wife went to lie down in the spare bedroom, and his wife went to lie down in their son’s room to help him get back to sleep. I never really knew where my best friend went, but I assumed he went to his bedroom.

I laid back down on their couch in the living room, thinking I would just close my eyes for a little while. It didn’t seem like long before I thought I should go check on my wife and daughter to make sure they were okay.

That’s when I noticed his bedroom light was still on. When I went to the spare bedroom, my wife wasn’t in bed.

The Jack-and-Jill bathroom’s pocket door was cracked open, and I could hear moaning. When I opened the door, there he was behind her. He was still clothed, I think, because I didn’t look down. My wife was naked and bent over the counter.

I completely freaked out. By this time, the kids were awake again, so I went to wake up his wife and tell her that her husband was having sex with my wife in the bathroom.

Needless to say, she was extremely upset, just as I was. I also had to deal with the trauma of actually witnessing it happen.

Looking back, I had already been feeling, based on my wife’s actions over the previous several months, that something like this could become a reality. I keep thinking that I should have tried harder to stop it, although I don’t know if that would have made any difference.

As for the aftermath, we attended a few counseling sessions. My wife has broken off all contact with him and given me access to all her accounts.

She claims she never loved him or wanted to be with him. He was also married to my wife’s former best friend, which has made the betrayal even more complicated. My wife has expressed extreme guilt over what she did, and she says she wants to reconcile and move forward.

The story she has given me about that night is that she had gone to bed and he came into the room and woke her up. She claims she initially thought it was me because we had all been drinking. She then heard him say something along the lines of, "I’m horny. Let’s go to the bathroom."

She asked where I was, and he told her I was sleeping on the couch. She then proceeded to go to the bathroom with him.

She says she never stopped to think about what it could do to her family or to her friend, who was sleeping in the bedroom right next to her.

When I asked her about it, she said it was like she had returned to her "slutty college days."

So far, I feel like she has answered everything I’ve asked without arguing or blaming anyone else. She seems to be taking full responsibility for her actions.

I don’t think she ever expected things to get to the point of becoming physical, but when I started noticing the way he looked at her and how they acted around each other, I knew where his intentions were headed.

They were having problems in their marriage, and he was confiding in my wife.

Meanwhile, I had thought—and according to her, she felt the same way—that we had a great marriage. We loved being around each other, sharing experiences, and splitting the workload pretty evenly.

Anyway, that’s my story. I’m stuck on what to do next and how to move past this. My trust in her is completely gone, and I don’t know whether it’s a good idea to try to work things out or simply move on and leave the marriage behind.

We have stopped seeing our counselor, mostly because of my decision. I felt like she was beating a dead horse, and I thought I already knew the whole story about what had been going on between the two of them.

Now I’m left wondering what to do. I still have a family and a marriage that I thought were strong, but I don’t know whether I can ever rebuild the trust that was lost.

LostBud88,

What a nightmare. I’m so sorry that this happened. I hope you are in individual counseling, as walking in on that must have been incredibly traumatic. See a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma and potentially PTSD.

I assume that "best friend" is out of your life forever.

I think your wife should be in therapy as well to figure out why she did what she did - not just the act itself, but the EA that led up to it. Exactly what is she doing to prevent reverting back to her "slutty college days" some other time in the future?

You can wonder what to do for as long as you like. You’re still likely in shock. You need to heal. You’re allowed to be unsure, and to change your mind.

In the meantime, I’d commend you to this recent thread by Gemmy https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667519/one-year-after-d-day-what-ive-learned-what-still-haunts-me-and-what-i-see-now/

I think it touches on a bunch of the questions you’re wrestling with.

Thank you for your reply. And yes, the image of what I walked in on still haunts me at times, I’m not going to lie. We’ve been to six couples counseling sessions, and I feel like most of my questions about what led up to it and what exactly happened have been answered.

As far as communication goes, she hasn’t tried to blame anyone but herself. She’s been open with me, and I genuinely feel like she’s been honest about everything. He is completely out of the picture, and I made sure of that. As far as his wife goes, my wife is still friends with her on social media, but there’s no contact, and I have access to all of those accounts.

Our counselor recommended cutting all ties with them, and I understand the reasoning behind that. I’m just not sure what keeping a social media connection is hurting at this point, especially since I doubt they’ll ever speak again anyway. Our families and kids practically grew up together, so I know it’s hard to walk away from a friendship that was such a big part of our lives. But at the same time, my wife had sex with her husband, and I honestly don’t see how that friendship could ever go back to what it was.

As for where I stand, I’m still trying to figure that out. I do believe she’s genuinely remorseful, but I keep coming back to the same question: What is she doing to make sure something like this never happens again? That’s something I’m still trying to understand. We’ve talked about how loose our boundaries were before, and I know those boundaries have to change moving forward.

At the same time, I don’t feel like I should have to tell her what needs to change or explain how to protect our marriage. I need to know that she understands how things got to this point, including how comfortable he had become with her, and that she’s willing to recognize those warning signs and make different choices going forward. I want to see that understanding through her actions, not just hear it in our conversations.

I’m just confused right now. Some days I feel like we’re making progress, and other days I’m still struggling with the images in my head and trying to make sense of everything. I want to believe we can work through this, but I also know that remorse and rebuilding trust are two different things.

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and offer advice. Hearing from people who have experienced something similar helps, because right now I’m just trying to figure out what moving forward is supposed to look like.

That must have been horrible, I can't imagine. I have little doubt that I would be in jail if I was in your shoes and the whole town would know.

There is a lot to unpack here. Your wife's cheating didn't happen when they had sex, it started much earlier and would have continued in an ugly fashion if you didn't catch her. Her reasoning sounds honest, no stories about unmet needs or childhood traumas and that is okay. But it also reveals that inside she is a tiny, immature person, that doesn't appreciate you enough. You mentioned low self esteem - that often prevents people for growing up and pulls them towards a grotesque version of themselves. Unfortunately in your case a wife and mom of two that wants to feel like a college slut.

Then there are the complicated feelings about yourself. First, why didn't you stop this when it was obvious? Can you rebuild? Do you even love her or want to be with her? What about the kids? Whatever happened and will happen, you will have a lot of hard questions towards yourself and maybe some forgiving yourself. There is not much sense to do counseling with your wife if you don't want it right now. That is something you can decide to do later. I would recommend to do individual therapy. You will be on a rollercoaster of emotions over the next week's and months, potentially separation and you will benefit from professional health.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 1:22 AM, Saturday, October 17th]

2 months is still very early days. The rule of thumb is that it can take 2 to 5 years to really recover from betrayal trauma like this. The way you found out is pretty brutal. Man, I'm sorry you had to walk in on that. I'm sure that image will haunt you for a very long time.

You're likely still in shock. For almost a year I was still saying "I can't believe this happened." Your confusion is pretty much expected still at this stage. Don't push or rush to make a decision until you have some more clarity and that could take a little while still.

It sounds like alcohol was a possible aggravating factor here, but it doesn't absolve your wife from her choices. Not at all.

One positive (not that any of this is actually positive) is that she's taking accountability and not blame shifting. That's not common. Usually there's a lack of accountability and plenty of blame shifting at first. At least you're being spared that ignominity. It only makes things worse.

Right now it's all about stabilization and just getting your head around what happened so don't beat yourself up for not knowing what to do yet. Most people are knocked for a loop still this early out. Just do what you gotta do for now. If you want comfort or closeness, take it, if you need space, take it. It's different for everyone and those needs will probably seesaw up and down. You're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a while.

Keep posting here. Just typing it out and getting feedback helped me so much. Ask any questions or just vent if you need to. Most of us have been there. We know how you feel man. Welcome to the club that no one ever wanted to join. Hang in there. It will get better with time. It just takes longer than anyone wants it to.

There’s a bullseyed post in the JFO forum discussing the difference between regret and remorse. Find it and read it - you may have to look back a number of pages to find it.

Watch her actions, not her words. Words are easy.

I think all contact should be cut - do you think the OBS wants to communicate with the woman having sex with her husband?
Your wife needs to be in IC to find out why she so easily betrayed you - and with the kids and you right nearby. I am not buying the "slutty college days" thing when your kid is 20’ away.

Hang in there, and focus on you. You need to recognize what a big trauma this is and spend time healing. Do NOT sweep it under the rug.
And know that time is a four letter word around here, and this is going to take a lot of time to get through. Years, not weeks or months. Marathon, not sprint.

The good news is you will be okay. Whether you R or D, you will be okay.

Keep reading and posting. This can be a real mindf*ck, and posting and journaling can help you manage it.

I’m going to suggest that you find a counselor just for you. Alone.

You might be walking on eggshells in couples counseling trying to navigate your pain and betrayal but also trying to reconcile.

I think you need your own support team that is just for you. I can say with all the crazy that went on during my H’s affair, I certainly relied on my very expensive but fabulous counselor to get me through it all.

Both my H and therapist said I was the calmest about to be D person they met. I’m not saying that to brag but I kept my poker face in front of my kids. I used to hide in my closet and cry every day — but in front of people I was the same person I delays was. Even when my H would say the most ridiculous or hurtful things, I could count on my counselor for providing support and guidance.

Please consider it.

So, the question I have is whether I should recommend IC for her. We both want to reconcile. I still truly love her and am not willing to accept that this is the end of our story.

Since D-Day, she has discussed her actions and what led to the loosening of boundaries without arguing or blaming anyone else for her choices. One thing that has helped me is that earlier that night, she wanted to leave and go home. To me, that suggests what happened may not have been premeditated.

Two to three weeks before the incident, we had pretty much stopped hanging out with them. She claims the messages she was receiving from him had started making her increasingly uncomfortable, even though she wasn’t communicating any of this with me. She says it was probably because she didn’t want to ruin my friendship with him or her friendship with his wife. I’m not sure I believe that explanation, but I do think it’s plausible.

He and my wife pretty much have the same personalities. They’re both very outgoing, fun-loving people who tend to throw their inhibitions to the wind when alcohol is involved.

Our ninth wedding anniversary was October 7. She had written me a letter in which she acknowledged that she had started taking me for granted and had begun to veer off our "love highway." She says she doesn’t want this incident to define us or end the life we’ve built together.

Responding to the earlier comment about the OBS, she has contacted my wife by text and is looking for clarity about what happened. I told my wife I’m not sure responding is a good idea because we don’t know what her husband has told her about their relationship or what led to them becoming so comfortable with one another. I’m sure she’s looking for clarity and answers, and I understand that.

According to him, they hadn’t actually had sex before I walked in on them. Honestly, I don’t think that matters anyway. We all know where things were headed.

A little more information: My family knows what happened because I had to reach out to someone the morning I witnessed everything. I wish I hadn’t had to share it, but I don’t have many friends I feel close enough to confide in.

My wife’s family still doesn’t know. As for our shared circle of friends, most of them know what happened, and many have backed away. They’re probably just waiting to see what happens.

As far as I know, my wife doesn’t have anyone she’s talking to for support. Fortunately, I have my brother-in-law and this forum, where I can reach out for support during these turbulent times.

I appreciate all the advice and support I’ve received so far.

There are plenty of people who can match the energy of whatever it is she likes, so if she wants that, why bother you. An outgoing person who likes to loose inhibitions and starts taking you for granted (aka gets complacent, bored, unloving, undevoted and disrespectful in a stable relationship) is not wife material, at least in that sense in which you want her to be. So yes, since you decided that you want to reconcile, you should require your wife to work on herself and IC can be a great tool for that.

As for comparing the stories with the OBS, I see it as an act of mercy. Not a must, but a compassionate thing to do.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 2:28 PM, Saturday, October 17th]

As for comparing the stories with the OBS, I see it as an act of mercy. Not a must, but a compassionate thing to do.

FWIW I agree with this. She deserves to know, and it might give your wife another dose of reality and make her face the true consequences of her actions. She didn't just blow up your marriage, she blew up someone else's lives, too.

She says she doesn’t want this incident to define us or end the life we’ve built together.

I see this as minimization. It wasn’t an incident, it was an affair. They were communicating illicitly for a while, and she was deleting snapchats and phone calls.

I agree with the others, she should face her "best friend" and set the record straight and she should be in IC.

I also agree with BarelyBreathing that you should observe her actions. She says she wants to fix things and reconcile. Keep a sharp eye on her actions, and see if they align with those goals.

I have a REALLY hard time believing this was the one and only time. It was just the time you caught them.
For them to take it to the level of doing it when you’re in the same house, requires a sense of recklessness that isn’t present until it has been going on for awhile.

I agree with OhItsYou. The type of brazen, reckless behavior that you're describing doesn't seem like someone who is dipping their foot into infidelity for the first time but someone who has been getting away with an affair for so long they think that they're invisible. Just my supposition, but they've been sleeping together since you started to notice that their behavior around each other had changed.

I think the deleted SnapChats and messages would likely reveal a much more extensive affair that what your wife has thus far admitted to. Unfortunately, it's not likely that your wife will reveal more than what she thinks you can prove.

My suggestion: I think you should tell her that her that you're giving her one opportunity to tell you absolutely everything about her affair without losing the opportunity to reconcile. But if any new details emerge later on--whether it's tomorrow or 10 years from now--the marriage will be over.

EDIT;ADD:

I don’t think she ever expected things to get to the point of becoming physical, but when I started noticing the way he looked at her and how they acted around each other, I knew where his intentions were headed.

Do not make the mistake of painting your wife as the insecure damsel who was preyed upon by a predator who fed her compliments and validation. She mad a choice to conduct an inappropriate relationship with this guy and fuck him behind your back and the back of someone who she claimed was her best friend. He was confiding his troubles about his marriage and instead of supporting them as a couple in working things out or telling her friend how her husband was behaving, she decided to stab you and her the woman who was closest to her in the back. That's some truly cruel and coldly calculating behavior.

Responding to the earlier comment about the OBS, she has contacted my wife by text and is looking for clarity about what happened. I told my wife I’m not sure responding is a good idea because we don’t know what her husband has told her about their relationship or what led to them becoming so comfortable with one another. I’m sure she’s looking for clarity and answers, and I understand that.

I think you should respond to the OBS and tell her everything that you know so that you can compare notes. I would say that your wife owes OBS a response, except that I don't think your wife will tell her the complete truth. Perhaps you have information the OBS doesn't have and vice versa. I think it's doubly cruel and unfair to keep OBS in the dark about what's been going in her life because you're trying to protect your wife from the consequences of her own actions.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:21 PM, Monday, October 19th]

I don’t think she ever expected things to get to the point of becoming physical, but when I started noticing the way he looked at her and how they acted around each other, I knew where his intentions were headed.

If you could tell what his intentions were, so could your wife. You noticed a year ago. Boundaries were likely crossed long before you noticed. Your wife noticed your concern, yet instead of totally disconnecting her choice was to start hiding evidence instead. Not the choice of someone more invested in her marriage than her "Friend"

Anyway, my wife claims it started innocently through Snapchat. She says the moment she knew things had changed was when he told her he wished he had her and that he had always liked blondes.

They were having problems in their marriage, and he was confiding in my wife.

Your wife should have been noped the hell out of any further connection with him on either one of those conversations. She's not a naive virgin. She knew where this was leading. Instead she stayed connected and allowed for those interactions to continue.

She then heard him say something along the lines of, "I’m horny. Let’s go to the bathroom."

She asked where I was, and he told her I was sleeping on the couch. She then proceeded to go to the bathroom with him.

She willingly went along with it. Their connection was strong enough that he assumed she would agree. She willingly got up and went off to have sex with him with their entire families present. She didn't have any reservations except where you were and was satisfied that you were asleep.

I wouldn't give her many bonus points for suggesting leaving earlier. I'd suggest that was more of fear of getting caught because she knew you were already suspicious. That they both deciding to do it, would lead me to suspect this wasn't the first go around. Your wife has had her days free. I wouldn't put it past them to have had mid day trysts along the way.

Talk to OBS. Check notes. Neither of you have a complete picture, but comparing the two will show you what gaps exist. APs tend to throw their partners under the bus while they are trying to save their marriages.

Trickle truth is a real thing. Your wife wants to save her marriage. She's going to try and avoid disclosing things she thinks will be deal breakers as long as possible. She already lied along the way. She certainly didn't tell you when he professed he wanted to be with her. Even after you expressed your concerns. Don't be surprised when it's worse than you know already and that's bad enough for sure. You really can't fix this until the last lie is disclosed.

Perhaps you have information the OBS doesn't have and vice versa. I think it's doubly cruel and unfair to keep OBS in the dark about what's been going in her life because you're trying to protect your wife from the consequences of her own actions.

He's not saving her from anything. Everyone in that house last night knows what they did. I'd almost suggest telling her the other man confessed fully and that it wasn't the first time. The truth is undoubtably worse than what OP knows. The question is how much worse is it.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:55 PM, Monday, October 19th]