SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m about 18 months out, and my husband is doing —therapy, support group, listening to my pain, more responsibility at home and with the kids. There are gifts, flowers, tea, affection, plans and thoughtful gestures. I see all of it.

I also know that I’m often not able to receive or accept much of it.

But I still feel like what’s missing is the overwhelming abundance of love?

It hasn’t been nothing. But it hasn’t been so abundant, spontaneous and unmissable that I feel overwhelmed by how deeply I’m loved. I

I am not in any way reconciled and am trying to see if I can feel something that will make the pain of staying, less than the pain of less leaving. And I wonder if a feeling of overwhelming love is what it needs to be?

was feeling profoundly loved part of what eventually made staying possible ?

I know it’s frustrating advice to hear- but only you will be able to know deep down if you want to stay or not. Either decision would be painful but your body knows the truth- pay attention to what you’re feeling over time. Personally I am feeling that my partner really does love me and is trying to show me love, and that makes it all the more confusing trying to equate that with their actions. I think a big part of being cheated on is that underlying feeling of -they must not love me enough- and i don’t know if that ever goes away.. especially after they already make the choice once to choose someone else over you and your wellbeing. It sounds like he is putting in some work but that doesn’t mean you will ever feel loved by him again. Reconciliation is something you try but it doesn’t mean it will always work. You still have the choice to decide if it’s worth it for you or not or if you want to move on , regardless of whatever work he puts in. I hope you find some clarity !

I understand your situation as I felt the same way at the 18 month mark during reconciliation.

I kept waiting to feel better. Or happier. Or healed. Just something was missing.

It was another year or so and I realized I had to heal myself. And if I was going to R I had to be open, honest and vulnerable to getting hurt again - otherwise I was just existing in the marriage but not being IN the marriage.

I know if my H chested again I would be sad and hurt - but not devastated like I was.

Having my own exit strategy has also helped me. It helps b/c it provides me with a sense of security.

The cheater can only help you heal so much - the rest is on you.

At 29 months I am still not ready to commit 100% to the relationship and I'm in no hurry. My wife has done a lot of work and F'd up along the way, just recently, unfortunately.

I had a rule/boundary, no communicating with men outside of work. I found a text exchange between her and a guy at her p/t job. I confronted her, she said I have to maintain a friendly working relationship with these people. The texts, what I saw, were innocent but that didn't matter to me. She walked right thru a boundary because, according to her, she didn't want her co-workers thinking bad of her.

"So you are more concerned about what some people at a part-time job think of you than respecting a boundary I put in place to try and get us through your affair. Great job. You just set our R back greatly."

One step forward, a mile backwards :/ So now she is going back into therapy to work on her, IMO, F'd "need" to people please.

I have accepted the fact that I will never again feel as deeply for her as I did before the affair nor will she ever have my implicit trust again. My ability to trust at that level has been permanently destroyed. I would have laid down my life for her without hesitation in the past but should it ever come to a choice, I will choose me.

It’s not unusual you may not be able to receive guestures of love yet. (I am not implying that will or won’t change)

The reality is he showed you so clearly through his affair that he didn’t see love the way you do. He degraded what you have by disregarding you in such a callous way.

It takes a long period of consistent action and time to grieve and heal before that has any hope of being recoverable. It’s good he is trying, and he needs to sustain that, but it will take a lot before you stop being deeply self protective. You are giving yourself your own stability, as you his can not be relied on right now.

I am not suggesting a marital outcome just affirming to not put that pressure on yourself. Instead, keep focusing on you and your needs and your own stabilization. As you do that, the clarity will eventually come. There is nothing wrong with you, this is completely normal.

I think you're going through a normal phase.

It's very difficult to accept love again from the person who hurt you so much. If your WS is consistent, you'll figure it out - either it's not there or it's too late/too little or the ability to receive love from your WS will come back. But it generally takes longer than 18 months.

I'd be more worried if you told us you and your WS were completely reconciled.

A therapist once told me, "You don’t have a vanilla case." My husband was a serial cheater who, I now realize, began our relationship by allowing me to believe I was marrying someone very different from who he actually was.

I come from a traditional South Asian background where arranged marriages are common. I met my husband that way when I was 23. His family didn’t want to proceed with me, but strangely, although we’d never even met before, he kept pursuing me. I was extremely guarded. He pursued me for more than a year, waited while his parents resisted, and eventually I thought: maybe this is how people fall in love. After 2½ years his parents relented and we married. I thought his persistence mean we are meant to be together.

What I didn’t know was that the "nice traditional guy" he presented himself as wasn’t the whole person. There was a significant sexual and relationship history prior to meeting me he never disclosed. Then came approximately 15 years of cheating with multiple women. I caught him once in 2011, when I was a new mother. There was enormous crying, remorse and apologizing. I forgave him. It continued.

Meanwhile everyone—my family, his family, our friends—thought I had this nice, shy, quiet husband. Inside the marriage there was neglect, snide remarks, silent treatment, double standards, financial deception, sexual coercion and an enormous imbalance in what I carried. I became increasingly exhausted and diminished while carrying our home and children, including the tremendous needs of our second child who is special needs. I withdrew more and was treated worse. It was not all black and white - we had moments though now I realize it was all a lie but then they felt real. Life felt hard as a special needs mom and I felt marriages go through things.

And then I got an STD and the reality I thought I had been living in collapsed.

I see he is now doing serious recovery work and has changed in meaningful ways. I keep looking for some experience of overwhelming love …

But writing the whole story out like this stopped me. I found myself looking at my own life and thinking: My God. What have I actually been through?

And I am questioning myself- what has happened to me? Why does part of me seek reasons to stay? I know I have enough to leave.

[This message edited by Neva9643 at 5:22 PM, Tuesday, September 8th]