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This is my conclusion after 10 years of heavy thinking (INTJ with heavy T!) and a successful recovery. I haven’t seen the need to change this conclusion in over 5 year but I’m open to feedback.

Successful reconciliation requires that you run a stronger motor, however you can’t just install a supercharger. Your car and motor need other complimenting and supporting components. More importantly, you can’t just take your car off line to make major upgrades all at once, you need to keep driving your car everyday day. Basically you incrementally transition, not jump to it, and the process takes time. The length of time depends on your starting point and how much power you need.

Here is my conclusion:

You can sort reconciliation actions (power upgrades) into six components: Some actions provide rapid relief but are temporary, while other actions provide in-depth long-lasting relief but require more work through time. Basically you get what you pay for. Naturally, reconciliation is only worthwhile when your WS is remorseful and willing to perform their own work and support you.

1) Learn to Control the WS: Passwords, emails, cell phones, bank accounts, gps, checking, checking again, tracking, confirming. No brainer stuff. Just go do it. Provides rapid relief. Requires energy. Can generate false positives. Your anxiety still flares and lingers. Degrades self confidence. Technologic. Temporary relief. Band aide. Assists you with surviving, but not the way you want to live permanently. Starting fluid.

2) Learn to Control Yourself: Establish expectations, express disappointments, exhibit appropriate anger, discipline, consequences, consistency, following through, boundaries, communication. These acts will influence a WS but you must also learn to identify when your actions are falling on deaf ears. You need some degree of trust and strength (below) to apply these actions. The WS needs to listen, reflect, change their beliefs, and learn. These actions cannot be excessive, cannot be COD. This is maintaining your integrity. This is finding ways to appropriately and intrinsically motivate the WS. This is a long term fix.

3) Learn to Trust the WS. Checking, following, spying, more energy, maintenance. No brainer stuff. Testing. Validating, Results can generate false positives. Your anxiety still flares and lingers. Degrades self-confidence. More Technologic. Temporary relief. Band aide. Assists you with surviving, but is not the way you want to live permanently. Trust must be earned by the WS not pursued by you.

4) Learn to Trust Yourself: Learn to see true changes in WS beliefs, understanding what motivates them. Is the WS self-controlling (a dry drunk) or is the WS actually living by a new set of beliefs? Can you see them slipping? Are red flags obvious now? Does the WS have increased self confidence. Increase your understanding of the WS's point of view, learning why the WS had an affair, and why having an affair likely doesn't apply anymore. This action is a long term fix.

5) Build your External Defense: Harder shell. Bitterness. Anger. Resentment. Carpet sweep. Avoid. Minimize. Tiring. Guarded. Draining. These actions do not provide happiness. They do not allow you to express your positive emotion. It's living in a bubble. Less confidence, more anxiety, and less peace. Temporary relief. Band aide. Assists you with surviving, but is not the way you want to live permanently.

6) Build your Internal Strength: Increase your understanding of love, forgiveness, respect, integrity, legacy, what drives you. Reflect. Change your beliefs. Gain confidence. Are you willing to loose your marriage in order to save it? This is about being able to stand on your own two feet and not using others to survive. It's about growing the capacity to forgive, being strong, and screening away pain. It's about being humble and free. It's about agreeing you still could be wrong at any moment and you reserve the right to learn. It's peace. This is a long term fix.

You will never forget what your WS did to you. Memory is the burden. Reconciliation is about building your capacity to carry this burden. Finding a good IC can help you. You must gather new information, consider it, confirm it, and then become a believer in new ideas that help you. It's building your mind, heart, and gut in unison, your logic, resistance, and wisdom. It's building a new collective strength derived from inside. The goal is to reduce strain and anxiety.

SL

[This message edited by still-living at 1:34 PM, Sunday, September 6th]

From a fellow grease monkey, I appreciate the allegory. Thanks for sharing

A gas engine needs fuel mixture, compression and spark, all at the right time, all in the right amounts!

Hi still-living,

I always find your posts very insightful (although I am a WS not a BS).

Thanks for sharing

Great post but I have to admit I had (and maybe have) issues with the control the WS part.
I try to live life by controlling what I can control, and I don’t think I can or should try to control my spouse. Well… that’s what I thought…
I think the key to a good marriage (and why try to reconcile if you don’t believe you can eventually get a good marriage…) is the realization both of you are there by choice. Free will. Somehow "controlling" a spouse seems a bit… not free choice.

But then… I don’t control my wife but I have expectations and conditions I expect her to meet. Granted, most of them are mutual. But I expect her to be honest, I expect her to let me see her private email, I expect total openness in finances and so on. These expectations are known – and she has comparable expectations to me.
We also have certain privacy: We both work jobs that require confidentiality so we can’t access each other’s work-emails or accounts.

But that control is the starter fluid…

Maybe that first part develops from controlling something to making demands and expecting some standards from your spouse. Then being honest to yourself about a couple of things:
Are the demands and standards fair and reasonable? Like expecting spouse to be home at six seven days a week while you come home at irregular hours would probably be neither fair nor reasonable.
And…
What are you going to do when and if the spouse is not meeting your fair and reasonable requirements?

Bigger,
Controlling (or attempting to control) my wife was the first action I took. I demanded access to her phone, personal email, work email, etc. She wasn’t allowed to go partying with her girl friends any more. I required frequent phone calls and check ins. I demanded she got a new job. These actions were all knew to take in the beginning to ensure my wife was no longer contacting or seeing the AP. I’m not saying these are the right actions for a long term solution. They were just actions I took, and many take, that I categorize as controlling your WS. It does in fact provide temporary relief. Agree some actions given as examples are not achievable for everyone.
SL

Great post but I have to admit I had (and maybe have) issues with the control the WS part.

SL can correct me if I'm wrong, but I took that part of the post to mean that while many default to this as a first or early step it's a short term solution that can lead to long term anxiety and misery. Not so much a suggestion, but where it leads, and there are far better long term solutions listed later in the post.

I do think many of us resort to trying to control early on, but I realized early on that it's a fruitless endeavor. If I had to "control" my WW then what kind of relationship would I end up with? I'm definitely more in line with your post there, Bigger. I don't want a wife that I feel I need to control. I want her to choose without constant pressure and monitoring. If she can't do that then I no longer want to be married.

I think, and I believe most agree, that a willingness to let go of the marriage and the outcome will produce the best results most of the time. I suppose letting a WS know that's where you're head's at could be perceived as sort of controlling. "Do what I say or I'm leaving," but it's really establishing boundaries more than anything. "You do whatever you want, but if X happens I'm not going to be here anymore."

And when I say "best results" I don't necessarily mean reconciliation. Sometimes, maybe even a lot of times, divorce is the best result.