SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband cheated on me with someone local, another city of my country, and abruptly left me in mid-July to go back to his home country. For more than a month, 27June, when they started the affair, I struggled with painful imagery of them together and the text messages I discovered. At first, he was extremely rude and insisted I stay away—he didn't want me coming with him anywhere and seemed to be running away from me.

I worked hard to pull myself out of that nightmare. I started focusing on my fitness, running my digital business, and rebuilding my independence. I am honestly much happier on my own now than I was taking care of everything for him.

Last night, after another argument where he was rude and I blocked him, he reached out on a different app asking me to move and stay with him. He even promised extra financial support, and because my business is fully digital, I technically could relocate.

However, I am deeply conflicted:

1. Am I just a backup option? He previously claimed he "found peace" with the other woman. Since she isn't in the UK with him, I suspect things fell apart or she moved on, leaving me as his second choice.

2. Am I just being asked back for convenience? I noticed from his search history (which he doesn't know I can see) that he has been searching for someone to cook for him. I worry he wants a housekeeper, not a partner.

3. Loss of self-respect: Jumping the moment he waves his hand feels unfair to everything I've built. If I go now, he won't cherish or respect me.

I still have feelings for him, but I'm hesitant to give up the peaceful, successful life I've created just to be on his terms again.

What are your strategic opinions on this? Should I stay focused on my own life, or is there any valid reason to consider waiting or renegotiating this relationship?

[This message edited by Alicia2026 at 5:56 AM, Thursday, August 20th]

Absolutely unequivocally stay focused on your own life.

He sounds like a terrible candidate for reconciliation.

You've already told us you're happier on your own; but even if you weren't, how could you now trust his promises?

What would you tell your best friend or daughter in this situation?

He hasn’t apologized or given you ANY kind of remorse or apology. He's not sorry he cheated and abandoned you.

But yet he decides he wants you back and expects you to suddenly up-end your life and move to be with him.

If I were you, I would politely decline his request to become his cook or emotional support person. I don’t see where YOU will benefit in any way.

Stay separated from him where your life is peaceful. Continue to monitor his actions after you say no to his request as I’m certain he will very quickly look for someone else.

My 1st H left me the day after I caught him and his adultery co-conspirator together at a beach. We were married about 2 1/2 years around this time. He was in LURVE after knowing her for just a few weeks . They broke up within 2 weeks . Then he wanted to talk about moving back in with me. My mind was reeling!

We never moved back in together...although he did spend some nights with me. He would talk about getting back together...until he met a new "shiny". That is what I started calling these women he would pursue while we were separated but not yet divorced. Then I would be ignored until he got what he wanted from them and wanted to reconcile. The cycle would start all over again and it was horrific.

I felt so WEAK back then...very pathetic for allowing myself to be treated that way. It wasn't until I seriously started dating the man who became my 2nd H before my 1st H decided I was THE ONE . By then it was too little too late. I finally could see that I was worth way more than what I was allowing. This was when I started believing in "once a cheater always a cheater".

I ended up back in infidelity HELL after 28 years of marriage to my 2nd H. This time though it was completely different. My 2nd H immediately wanted to reconcile...and after I issued ultimatums...some people call them conditions on here...in order to feel secure in trying R...he agreed to every ultimatum and has never looked back . I have never regretted either decision I made...to D my 1st H and to R with my 2nd !

You ask some very decent questions about what his motives are. Maybe you can think of some boundaries or conditions that will make you feel secure about going back? You will be able to tell a lot just by how he handles YOUR boundaries and/or conditions!