Hello all,
I have suspected for some time that my wife was having an affair with a man she met at a bar open mic night. My suspicions were raised by things she said while drunk. It started with her talking about how good-looking he was or how great he was at singing. This escalated into her telling me that she was in love with him and finally with her confessing details of their relationship.
I've asked her about all of this while she was sober, and she has said she had no memory and has denied her confessions as crazy drunk talk. This does afford her some plausible deniability. In addition to struggling with alcohol, she has crippling OCD and takes meds for it. The combination of her neurology and using anxiety meds while drinking has produced some pretty wild nights in the past. However, I began to realize something.
Drunk crazy is not structured or consistent. One night to the next may share themes, but not details. How would you ever keep the story straight if you don't remember what you said? Her drunk confessions had the same details. They started when her anxiety was that she might have an STD, which led to her being upset that she found underwear in her purse that didn't belong to her. This led to her being upset with the OM, who accidentally placed them there. This led to her believing that HE was cheating on HER. I've told her all of this while she was sober, and she has denied all of it as referring to anything real.
At last, I needed proof. I don't like creeping around. It makes me feel guilty, even when I am uncovering evidence of someone else's betrayal. I downloaded her text history and read through it. The evidence was there, including her argument with OM about the underwear. She was also upset that he apparently had ED and he was apologizing for not being able to perform, and that he would get pills and do better. This is interesting, because she actually brought up his ED (while she was sober) as a reason why I shouldn't be worried.
The texts confirm they had sex at least once. I should assume it was more than that, though maybe he is unable. There is certainly a lot of emotional intensity. He calls her sexy, and she calls herself his girlfriend. At one point, they talked about breaking up, because she said: "I can't stand in the way of you having a real relationship". Her concern, of course, is with the harm she is causing him by not leaving me, not the guilt over hurting me. Then she goes back and says, "wait for me 2 to 3 years", implying that she will be free when our high schoolers are older. Some of this probably IS crazy drunk talk, but at this point I'm not sure it matters how much she meant literally.
With me, she has been very good at acting like nothing is wrong. She is being emotionally available and quite affectionate. We still sleep together. She often expresses her appreciation for me. Yes, some might be manipulation. And some is likely real. Maybe she doesn't even know exactly which is which. I think she still loves me, but I think she is also afraid that any emotional distance from her will make me more suspicious.
One of the problems I face is that she is totally dependent on me. Her OCD is extremely severe. She lives in constant fear of disease. She can't drive. She is socially avoidant when sober and won't make doctor's appointments for herself or handle school matters. I handle the IEP's for both kids and all of their doctor's appointments. I cook all the meals, and now I'm doing all of the housework because she is either hung over or hanging out at bars or with the OM. Of course, that isn't all OCD. There is definitely selfishness and laziness. But some things are definitely OCD.
We have two kids, each from a prior relationship. There would be little question of custody because each bio kid would go with their respective bio parent. However, I have been the only father figure in my step-daughter's life since she was 3. She has zero relationship with her bio dad. She has often expressed an extraordinary fear of her mother and me breaking up, because she does not feel like her mom would be able to care for her. I feel the same way, and this has made me hesitate.
I would like to confront her, but I need to work on the content and the timing. The first problem is that I want to tell her I know about the affair without revealing how. I have already asked her about her drunk confessions, and she has denied them, but I can bring up my point about how consistent they are. She can still brush this off, so I can insist on her giving me consent to view her texts. She might actually do so because she has deleted them. I don't think she is aware of how easy it is to restore deleted texts. This would allow me to say, thank you for consent; I am going to restore the deleted texts right here and review them.
I suspect this will bring forward the truth, but with an avalanche of caveats. She will dive into all of the things that I have done that have driven her into the arms of OM. I feel the best way is to keep it simple:
We have two options: 1) reconciliation, which means giving up OM, 2) separation.
If she wants to reconcile, that will give us all the time in the world to cover our faults, resentments, and things left unsaid. If she feels she has waited too long for me to change this or that, and does not think I can change whatever is wrong with me, then why bother discussing it more? Either she has given up on me, or she hasn't.
One of the problems I face is that it is very easy for her to derail me. I have often gone into a conversations feeling like I was prepared, only to be blind sided by a way she has of making an objection I hadn't thought of. Having grown up with a narcissistic mother, my WS is simply more nimble than I am at squirming out of facing hard questions head-on. She is just better at arguing. Many times this has made me give up before trying, which has made me pursue workarounds to our problems, which has given her more reason to say there is no point in talking out issues with me because I am the one who is trying to avoid hard discussions.
I would much appreciate advice on how to stay on target and not get flung aside by the "you never do this" or "you always do that". She might be right, but either she thinks I can address her concerns or not.
The other problem is timing. I have contacted both a lawyer and a marriage counselor. I want to be prepared. However, I am dying inside and waiting is really hard. How do I act like nothing is wrong until I am ready? Then when I do confront, how does it not seem like I was laying a trap?
Thanks for reading!
