SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Starting to be troublesome with the numbering since they blur between those "you know" and the drops 💦 of confessions coming out from trickle truths.

Unless i spend energy on inventory all her dirty stuff it’s natural to lose the thread I guess.
And I don’t do that anymore, is just not worthy.

So if I am following the very arbitrary count of my various just found out I could say this is DDay #4.

Yesterday she noticed me writing here (she really doesn’t like this forum as it makes her uncomfortable) and she said "don’t you think that forum is destroying our relationship?"

"That’s not possible " I answered her amused

"Because we are not married right?" Her ego’s salty irony alluding at the fact she wears a ring.

"Exactly "

And she got upset, and retaliated "but we do have a relationship!"

Me "Of course we do"

Her "So what is that?"

Me "We are roommates "

Her "So you weren’t joking when you said you were only here for our daughter?"

Me "I told you. And I don’t joke about important things "

So the usual circus.
She went into drama mode (I was fine and minding my business as usual) and when she inquired more I engaged like usual.

Then what do you know, minimization, blame shifting, gaslighting, it’s the past she didn’t say get over it but it is clearly implied).

All bounces off.

The moment when she gets to I just want to move forward, adding "with you" (because she knows my feeling is absolute: let’s go ahead, sign my divorce proposal and let’s move on, we can do it now), I had to reiterate that there is zero chance to move forward because the forward simply doesn’t have any starting place.

She burned it long time ago.

I spare you the rest because is a broken record and is frankly boring, but she eventually gets to the point where we repeat "there is no past relationship that is gone when you chose infidelity. Your dad is dead, you can’t move forward with him. My mom is dead, I can’t move forward with her. Our relationship is the same. The only thing we "could " do is rebuilding something new from zero. But that’s only possible if all the lies and secrets are gone"

Followed up by denial, minimizing etc the whole shabang.

Of course her take is I am the villain and cruel because it’s painful to hear that and is abusing her boundaries (she surely has put the language she learned in therapy to fruition. Progress?).

Considering that confronting her minimization and "get over it" with the truth is not abuse in my opinion, I just can’t accept bullshit and blame shifting any more from anyone, I simply smiled and said "I see. It’s okay" then proceeded to mind my own business.

Naturally she can’t take refusal for drama, chaos and my 180, so she tried again more accommodating and you know the drill.

More accommodating but still lies and trickle truths, but it slips out another confession of an affair I already found out that she swore it was purely emotional being physical.

Not that I care, for my meter there is no levels to infidelity, I see no difference between an initial interest/attraction/ looks and a gangbang orgy. The sewer is still sewer, no matter how deep she dives in the sewage, is her business, I don’t care, I don’t like the smell even from a distance, it’s all a dealbreaker so there’s that.

As suspected my guts were spot on, therapy and self work are helping her to heal some of her issues and I can see that.

About empathy and remorse, she isn’t there at all. Is still just shame and insecurity. And I don’t care about that.

Her ego is still alive and well. Feels entitled to me, desperate frustrated shittesting (even learning how to weapon use therapy language). Desperately trying to reinstate the status quo through manipulation and narrative rewriting to fit the fantasy she wish we had.

Again the past is past and it was long time ago is the main thing in her mind.
- No matter how much you explain that trickle truths means just it’s a long time you cheat and lie and keep protecting your cheat and lies with more lies and betrayal.
- she already knows that for the nerve system time doesn’t matter. I found out now about her infidelity from a million years ago. Then it happened now. Not yesterday, today.
- that her not disclosing guarantees that this situation does repeat itself over and over and over in the future, because I know of it all my guts does, but her not coming clean just means one day the truth pops up and this time she can’t deny it (which is lying anyway, so can’t you see is wrong?).
- Can’t understand that ddays are like stepping on a mine while you are hiking in a forest on a sunny day. Lies will never outlive truth, it will come out eventually. Lies survive only when the lied one wants desperately to believe that you are not as horrible as your intuition screams. I accepted that people are who they are, not who you would want them to be.that’s why they are all falling like dominos one by one.

So she asks about the pain, and I explained her again that if I was like before I would be devastated, back in the abyss once again. She claims it’s painful to hear. I told her I believe it, but she can’t compare with how painful is being on the receiving end of her decisions.

You don’t like hurting right? Ever tried wondering how this side feels like? Don’t you want to know? Why?

However I was already half my life on that hellish abyssal rollercoaster, so I am not minding or worrying about she offering me more and more tickets for another ride. Seen that, done that. I am good.

The soul crushing pain for her infidelity is no more. It died with the death of my older me. I am not numb, I am not dissociated (I was both for years when she did what she did).

Her infidelity is still painful but is not eviscerating. It’s more like a wasp sting or a hornet sting order of magnitude.

It stings, it hurts for a moment, but is just a nuisance that gets over as quickly.
But surely your pretense that I stick myself I blindly in the hornet nest is met with a laugh. You are still around so some stings are expected, I already saw them coming. I have no reasons nor interest to go there intentionally though.

When I get stung I flick you off, massage, laugh it out and forget it.
That’s your dream fantasyland and I don’t care to visit it. Know it already, was a bad show, the worst I saw. I am good. You do you.

But I have to say it’s a real pleasure watching her ego collapse when realizes that all the stories she must be telling herself are not real.
I didn’t go back. I didn’t move. I didn’t buy in any of her Bull. I don’t care.

I am still fine rebuilding my life and I’m simply don’t care about that trash.
I come first, I allow people close, but I keep my direction, the path I chose, anyone can join but I refuse to be dragged down by anyone.

What matters is me and my daughter, that’s the only person I carry until her wings are dry enough to fly. I drag no one else.

Thanks for the one line that made me laugh.

She has boundaries

I’m sorry you are stuck in this situation with a liar and cheater who blamed you for their decision to cheat.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:06 AM, Thursday, June 18th]

Thanks for the one line that made me laugh.

Always ready to give a lady a good laugh, Wife!

I have indeed developed a specific type of irony, it’s maybe a bit dark, and it is a shame this format can’t carry my tone, because I genuinely find it worth of ridicule (perhaps not funny but still hilarious in a way).

I don’t know if weaponizing therapy’s language is a normal thing for waywards or I just find myself facing a particularly nasty and unremorseful ego here.

Sure I don’t bite nor swallow any of that stuff.
No more.

I have a totally different take on what you are doing…

I think you are right now cheating on three people.

Your wife’s infidelities give you two realistic options IMHO.
If you want to, and if she complies to requirements, the two of you can reconcile. It’s not easy, and it requires a lot of openness, honesty and extremely hard work. But it is possible.
If you don’t want to reconcile and/or she isn’t complying to what that requires, then you have the option of leaving the marriage and the relationship. Again – not easy, and requires work and change. But it is possible.

Basically, it sounds like you have opted for that path – that option – only without the "leaving the relationship" part. Emotionally divorced from this marriage without the normal and expected physical distancing.

IMHO you are selling yourself short – and thereby cheating on yourself – by remaining married to a woman you state you don’t want to be married to and don’t want to reconcile or create (or even attempt) to create a healthy marriage and relationship with.
Yes – I got the line about your daughter – but you are also selling her short in raising her to observe that parents are cold and distant and don’t show respect to each other. No matter how you hide it – kids pick up on the tension and resentment and distancing. Keep in mind that kids base their future relationships on what they experience; your daughter will think that it’s "normal" to be in what is basically an emotionally mutually abusive relationship. You are not doing your daughter any favors in raising her in a toxic environment…

Yeah… I have heard all the arguments about missing out, wanting to be there and all that. But IMHO – and supported by all sorts of research and papers – the key to a child’s emotional family-growth is a nurturing environment of respect. You two can provide that environment as divorced parents that focus on good coparenting.

Then you are cheating on your wife by keeping her there. That’s maybe the least of my concerns but honestly – if she were to post in the wayward forum and I sensed she was being honest and was willing to do what was required to even possibly reconcile, and at the same time you keeping your stance – I would be telling her that there are 2 good paths out of infidelity. Reconciliation or divorce. Since you aren’t open to R then D is the only path left for her.

Sorry – I just say it like I see it. Nothing easy in what we are dealing with.

Then you are cheating on your wife by keeping her there. That’s maybe the least of my concerns

I'm aware that you've said it the least of your concerns, yet I don't feel it's cheating at all. It's the opposite. One of the most painful things of infidelity is being robbed of your agency. You can't accurately make decisions if you are being fed lies. Giving your wife agency is being open about your feelings and letting her make her own decisions about what is best for her. It's the kindest thing to do.

What matters is me and my daughter, that’s the only person I carry until her wings are dry enough to fly.

I hate that infidelity puts so many of us in the difficult and complicated position of determining what is best for our families and our lives. Everyone has different circumstances. We can only do our best to evaluate and act accordingly with all factors. Best to you.

I think you are right now cheating on three people.

I should be posting on the wayward side then. I just don’t see it in all honesty.

I could live. I am very aware of it. It’s an option.

I already presented my divorce proposal. I want nothing.
She keeps home, cars, money, assets, everything.

I will have to move back to my home country, there will be exactly 1000 miles between me and my daughter (1600 km plus change).

There’s no chance that I would ever receive custody. No coparenting either due to the distance.

I am very aware this means I will be probably able to see my daughter once, maybe twice a year.
She is adopted, traumatized by abandonment of her biological parents. Losing me would be hard to understand, maybe when she is grown up. Now, she gets panic attacks if she’s being scolded and I leave to another room. She needs that kind of constant connection.

We have no other kids, the STD she got from her affair partner and she refused to cure for 18 years until recently, cause miscarriages and infertility so our biological kids were lost very early few years ago, literally down the toilet.

I do no longer consent in sacrificing my being, happiness or silently swallow the lies of my betrayer to avoid ruining her fantasy.

I simply cannot people please or shut up about what I truly feel. It might be harsh to hear, but not saying what it is true that would feel like betraying myself again.

She asked me to not bring it up. She promised that she will change come around, to give her time.

She is doing the work and I do see some changes. Positive ones.

But the part about empathy, the part about honesty, disclose and check with me. That part is nowhere in sight.

It has been 4 months. I held my side of the deal, never brought it up, I don’t care.

Slowly few really bad comments started to poke, stinging, probing, I know that kind of tests very well, I remember them. I can never forget them.

So when she speaks about me being here and that’s somehow being frame as "toxic" for us, I know very well what that means.

I am no longer alone, I am no longer isolated, I have no fear to speak.

That her ego cannot stand it.

And I cannot stay silent or "be nicer". I tell, calmly. Jokingly even. And it lands. Because is the truth. My version never changes, not until I believe she truly changed, and she proves it to me.

If this makes me a cheater, then I am clueless and I should have this thread moved to the wayward side.