SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I tend to write a lot in my posts, because here it is an exploration journey of myself and although I do see a lot of similarities to my experience, from both the betrayed partners and the wayward partners, I still think that my journey is purely individual.

And the price I paid for this journey was high, probably higher than anything else in my life.

So I want to get something valuable out of this.

And all starts with the need to understand.

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If you read something that I shared here, I had quite a weird experience in the field of relationships. I have entertained myself with enough partners to fill a small village, but I only ever had 4 "real" relationships. All but one ending in betrayal.

And I never truly understood why.

Not about the betrayals, I think I get the why of those now.

I never understood why I had so much trouble in forming a normal, healthy relationship with a woman before.

So I lately asked myself a lot of "why?" Why couldn't I let them closer to me? Why I was shutting them out when they wanted to get serious with me? Why was I playing hard to get when I truly wanted connection? Why did I put my boundary into "physical only" and bailed out whenever someone started to come up into my mind? Why when I felt the most happy, it was in those teenager platonic relationships that were emotional only? Why was I denying myself this kind of happiness?

This exercise almost started for "fun" bore some surprising insight.

I remembered my "pre-first love" girlfriend, we were basically children, yes there was kissing but it was mostly cuddling and holding hands, long phone calls letters, pictures, walks and trips. No sex, both virgins, but there is not a thing about it that I do not remember fondly, even when we broke up, it was "clean" and I am happy she lives a fulfilled life today.

Why? Was is the lack of sex that made it "pure"? Nah I do not think so. We simply did not because we never had the chance to be alone for enough time, in a place where 'our first time' would have been ideal, or it would have happened.

I think it was the emotional connection, no matter how immature, that made it 'pure', pleasant, nourishing.

I think that is something I craved way more than I craved 'bodies meeting in the dark', and since then I was looking for.

Then I had my first sexual experiences, with the work I did back then it was way easier than most my peers to 'get some' and I had those experiences in a messed up way. Instead of discovering it organically with my girlfriend, naturally, slow, like most people normally do, I went directly to home base.

to me it happened with girls from clubs, modelling agencies, often older and way smarter than a kid, often involving alcohol, sometimes more than one in the same bed. Back then it was obviously mind blowing and "wow" at least at the start, but I can't help to see now that even then I felt as 'something is off', something important was missing, it was like driving the first time and going full speed without ever having learned the basics.

Of course my stupid teenager brain could not process it then, just imagine the dopamine high, but the feelings (or lack of thereof) were telling. I had a void I could not fill, and kept thinking about my 'Lil Girlfriend' feeling, wondering why those 'relationships' (they really weren't worthy of that name, more just sexual encounters really) were not as fulfilling as the teen romance, even if 'by the book' I was getting it all. As an adult now I understand what was missing was emotions, there was adrenaline but I was the 'trophy guy' for those girls and women, not a partner, not mature enough to be worthy of that consideration. I was totally oblivious back then to this.

And then it happened, on holiday I met my first "proper girlfriend" it wasn't just ONS like others, we kept in touch and stayed even after, I went exclusive to her immediately and I was again feeling the butterflies like the 'teen romance' (Ok, I was 16 so technically still teen, but in those years I felt like grown up, so talking from that perspective here) so I let myself go, completely and fully, fell in love, and this time it was "mature love".

I think there is where I broke, if the messed up prior experiences where cracking my balance into discovering relationships and sex, this was the coup the grace, because is when I rediscovered the love as I knew it earlier, 'pure' but this time was both emotional and physical, finally complete.

And when she betrayed me I was completely blindsided. The way she did was brutal because it was a visual display with her ex boyfriend when she lured me at her place as we had long distance relationship, different cities, that for a 16 years old boy and a 14 years old girl might as well be different continents.

Ironically it was in a club, an environment too familiar to the old me, we went in all 3, me, her and this 23 years old guy (so technically a pedophile) and they basically have sex on a couch in front of me.

The fact that today I still only recall very nitid flashes of that and the aftermath should be telling on the magnitude of the attachment wound and relational shock I must have suffered back then. I know I went numb and did not cry, at least for the trip back, but I sunk inside, deeply. I still remember her chatter when she accompanied me to pick my train back home to never see her again in my life.

And I thought it was not that big of a deal, because I stopped missing her, I forgot about her, and when she (unavoidably) came back to check in and see if we could try again, I tell her to "go to hell", not in those words, I simply said that is like she never existed in the first place.

And while I healed from her, because I felt absolutely nothing about her betrayal or missed her as a person, the attachment wound very likely did not. Because of how I went from there it was clearly a complete diffidence and mistrust of women in general.

Why did I feel that? Because likely my messed up experiences before and broken attachment after her, made up for a concoction that told my system "this is how it works in the grown up world, love is flickering, sex is all you can get, you saw it, you experienced it, is all transactional. Do not trust the dopamine, it's just a trap for the pain"

A good thing from that is that I reduced a lot my exposure to the "high life" of parties, clubs and modelling. I still did for the money but I tried to avoid indulging too much into the 'afterparty' side of things. Because after that there was a vein of disgust involved, not even the hype of this kind of 'lifestyle' was the same after my first betrayal.

I understand how I got broken now, and what happened later is probably a derivative of this broken attachment.

Admitting it.

This was hard, because I played a role into dooming my future relationships. I went out the 'high life' circle besides for the much needed easy money that could provide me with, but I was sort of 'corrupted' already in my idea of relationship between a male and a female, having learned "transactional sex"+"Love < transactional sex = betrayal", I went into the regular life with a toxic concoction of broken emotions and twisted expectations.

So I replicated what I have imprinted in me with normal girls. I became sort of a player, not because that was my goal, but because I was terrified of wanting to be with one and ending up burned again like with my first real girlfriend.

And I lived for years with an emotional void. A void that I allowed no one, not even the best girl I dated (and I met many who were really amazing, looking back now in hindsight), to fill.

I wanted the connection, I was scared of the connection because it brings pain and betrayal, so I avoided exclusivity and cut them off whenever things got too close with one.

What was I looking for? Connection, but it had to be with someone who I was both attracted to, and who felt 'safe' enough not to betray me like before.

So I discarded all those amazing girls who truly wanted me in full, because the very thing that I found attractive, their secure attachment and strength, their awareness of their self- worth, was for my messed up emotions too "risky".

And I leaned into selecting girls who were having "low self-worth" and "people pleasing"traits, because I read them as 'safer'.

That's right: because I was afraid of cheating, I was leaning toward women with the classic traits of a cheater.

And it happened exactly like advertised. I leaned in. let myself go. Got betrayed. Again.

Admitting this, was really hard. But the truth is: I set up myself to fail in my future relationships.

I had to swallow that it was on me searching for the very same profile of the one who hurt me so much, instead of learning from the mistakes and looking for those traits as red flags.

This does not mean that their cheating it was my fault or excusing betrayal by any stretch of imagination.

This is on them, all of it. But I programmed myself to fall for these kind of women. I can see that now, I was a self fulfilling prophecy and each betrayal was a harder blow to my identity and emotional stability.

The next step was to own this understanding.

I set myself up for failure, but I still went all in with those girls because their "sweet and vulnerable" side, their insecurity, low self worth and people pleasing, awaken into me the protector instinct.

They were terrified I would leave them for someone else. I would not, I would never so I "had to" prove it. They were afraid I would cheat. That was so repulsive for me, even just the idea, that I bent over backwards to show that could never happen. They were ambivalent towards my confidence (which it was in good part an act, as it is for many young men), so I had to make myself more 'safe'.

I did try and succeeded into reassuring these girls that I was the safest partner they would ever meet. They loved it at the start, they felt safe and took me for granted. And then they betrayed me.

I did not cause that, their character flaw is why they cheated. But sure as hell I did not help to correct their flaw or to be 'the prize' following that approach. They might have cheated either way, however undoubtfully my 'tactics' lead them into leaning into cheating more than their natural tendencies.

Simply because the very same character flaws that make attractive an AP are the fantasy projections of the wayward, and if in the beginning I was their fantasy projection, the moment they took me for granted, the moment I performed a gratuitous "pick me dance", when there was no competition at all, those projections crumbled to dust like they usually do, just faster.

This still means they were not safe partners to begin with. But I need to own the fact that my behavior and messed up understanding of connection, attachment and relationships gave them the green light.

Of course they came back, they always do. With the one who today is my wife my usual response "you exist for me no more" did not work, because I felt for her way too hard.

And onwing the fact that in her case in particular, was my behavior pushing her to cheat, is way more painful and hard to swallow than the rest.

Because I do not care for the others, but it is taking a lot of effort not to care for her.

Especially because she seems to really regret her choices, she is working on resolving her issues, and I am not entirely sure if I should stop or not, the process of severing all the remaining emotional ties I still have to her.

Rebooting.

The last part is a work in progress. It partially happened naturally during my 'awakening'. Too many years of betrayal trauma and PTSD broke me beyond any hope to rebuild my old self. Which might be a good thing.

I now fear not a real relationship. With boundaries, exposure, vulnerability. After all I've seen the abyss already, I do know what lies at the bottom, and I know the way out of it. I am no longer afraid to fall, and I can see the red flags from miles now.

If instincts are good, trusting your gut is a gospel I will always follow since it tells you something that you need to listen to, before even the mind catches up, there is still work to be done after all.

Understanding the why, accepting them, owning them and changing your ways. In every aspect of your life. It is a lot of work.

It also strangely gave me empathy for my wayward, now that I can see the flaws with clarity I do feel their pain more than I ever could.

I see they are no monsters, just weak and flawed human individuals losing their compass and self sabotaging. I can understand those are wounds they carry over from their past, and they desperately want to heal them even if they are not aware of, so they look to the outside to soothe the pain and fill the void.

An them like you, are not unworthy or unlovable. Like you they are worthy and lovable people who need to heal a deep internal pain that will lead you astray if you do not, like it lead me outside the correct path in a different way.

Self love and self healing is a really good medicine. I put part of my path here in words the best I could, as in how I do understand it in this very moment. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but might be good for me after all.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:21 PM, Monday, March 16th]

BftS, you often have an interesting perspective and make thoughtful posts. Unfortunately, this one is just too long for me to go through the whole thing, so I just read the first and last bits. I'm glad you were able to get some satisfying answers to your "why" questions regarding your past nature.

Going by your subject line, I feel like I have a pretty good handle on understanding. I can admit my problems (poor boundaries, too much self-sacrifice) and own them. Rebooting for me is still happening, but one thing I am sure of is that I will never marry again. I don't know if I'll feel like having another romantic relationship - I certainly don't want one right now. My heart is still too broken to risk giving it to someone else.

I see they are no monsters, just weak and flawed human individuals losing their compass and self sabotaging. I can understand those are wounds they carry over from their past, and they desperately want to heal them even if they are not aware of, so they look to the outside to soothe the pain and fill the void.

It's good to have some empathy and compassion for our WS's. That keeps us from turning into monsters one day.

I don't have any good advice or wisdom to impart here. I am deeply impressed with your journey of self-discovery and an inspiring level of introspection. Well done, sir.

It is important for me to remember who you truly are, where you are, and the when is now.

The traps of the ego are just delusions of a fantasy of what you would like to be, that bar your very essence because instead of being the person you are you end up performing what is indeed, just a parody.

This is what contributed to where we are as wayward or betrayed partners, different paths, but the very same vehicle.

Unpleasant as it is, I feel it was critical to cross the mirror and just enter your true self, instead of watching the fantasy reflection.

Tearing your ego up was hard, because you have to admit the flaws you fabricated yourself and lived by until now. Once it is down though, the only thing left it is you, here and now. All your alleged "weaknesses" suddenly disappear, not because they are fixed, but they’re accepted as a facet of you, wrongly painted by the projections of the ego as undesirable. But nothing is undesirable about your essence. Just what you do with it, when you betray yourself to fit the fantasy.

The amount of power you discover from this, can heal pretty much anything.

Well, I have often been accused of being unkind in my posts, and this is another such post. You are writing so much that I wonder on some level if you are addicted to this amount of drama. It is not so unusual, the hero in any story has a long complicated journey and maybe this is a certain pride that your story is so long.

Anyway, there is something called TOXIC EMPATHY. To this end, I see how much empathy you have for WWs in how you give advice in their threads and in the BHs' threads. Seeing how close out you are to being so severely betrayed by your WW, I say that you need to STOP THAT. And--at the risk of my sounding quite unkind. again, I am also extremely concerned that you are trying to be advising BHs at this point in your journey. Detach yourself from your toxic WW and heal a bit more and unravel your wrong thinking first, before you try leading anyone else.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:57 PM, Thursday, April 16th]

Fear will make you do or not do some crazy things.

Fear of getting hurt maybe stopped you from having a real emotional connection maybe?

Well, I have often been accused of being unkind in my posts, and this is another such post.

Yep. Your post was unkind.

You have every right to disagree. I've disagreed with a lot of what members have written. Sometimes, I engage.

What makes SI such a wonderful community (among many other things) is being able to learn. I've learned quite a lot about infidelity and reconciliation. I've learned quite a bit about human nature, interpersonal relationships, and so forth. I've learned quite a bit about myself.

Sometimes, when a betrayed spouse is struggling to cope with the fall-out they find their usual coping mechanisms to be lacking. This was certainly my experience. I wound up searching for anything... any semblance of wisdom, insight, or how to deal with the intense pain, rage, confusion, self-doubt, and the fucking shitstorm of it all...

I came up lacking. I needed help.

That process brought up all sorts of other traumas and led me to do some deep soul-searching. I think most of us have been there and done that because of the trauma.

That is what I see in BackfromtheStorm's posts. He's searching for something in his beliefs or values or whatever to help himself navigate through the shitstorm and its causing him - as it does to so many of us - to deeply contemplate his own... life.

You can choose to learn from his journey, for whatever it's worth, or be unkind.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:18 PM, Thursday, April 16th]

I stand by what I wrote.

Look not every post should be like a warm bath. Some of the most helpful posts are the most JARRING. Most of us when we come here need to be WAKEND UP and shook out of a slumber.

If we are in a situation where we stay for that long despite being cheated on repeatedly, then it is OUR WHOLE THINKING that allowed us to stay all this time and take more abuse, is wrong too. We need that hard-challenged too I feel.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:42 PM, Thursday, April 16th]

Fear will make you do or not do some crazy things.

Fear of getting hurt maybe stopped you from having a real emotional connection maybe?

Absolutely.

Fear of facing my ghosts made me afraid of connection when it might have been safer.

Same fear pushed me towards a broken person whose vulnerabilities felt safe.

Same fear made me clingy and in denial of what I could see, feel, but didn’t want to.
Complementing character flaws might have influenced both.

But above all my own fear betrayed me before all.

It’s self betrayal and I had to win that battle first.

Won’t be fooled.
No worries you don’t get it yet, you are reading it through your own lens and I write it from a different experience.

Hardly you can gauge my strength because you have not lived through the same path. You need to travel your own.

Empathy towards WS.

Yes it comes easy now. From a position of strength.
Mind is towards reforming waywards partners, I have nothing but contempt for the behavior.

Like I have nothing but contempt for my own shortcomings.

Criticizing weaknesses and behaviors is disconnected from the person, if that person is trying hard to change and win their ghosts, I feel empathy.

I am unapologetic and I don’t feel offended by your comments, I like it because is coming from a true place, your true place, and it gives me insight.

The person I talk is dead, because it wasn’t the person it was my persona. Almost nothing of my present is like my past, and now I can revisit it to give it words, to a chaos that had none but just confusion.

It doesn’t scare me anymore and it is an homage to both the naive and fragile parts of my life that matured through hardship.

Difficult to understand emotions, they hit as they hit you, in the intimate and what you feel is a reflection of your own asking to be voiced.

Nothing mystical about it, is like learning to speak a language, a language I can instinctively walk, but cannot express with words just yet.

And this is an excercise for me to see if I can get there.

I like it, and I liked your reaction.
Please do not worry, it wasn’t received as unkind, I like the raw and unfiltered today as much as the refined and thoughtful.

I am glad that you are taking what I am saying as raw and honest, @BackFromTheStorm.

Yes it comes easy now. From a position of strength.

Mind is towards reforming waywards partners, I have nothing but contempt for the behavior.

I have to pick this apart. You are *this* fresh out from being betrayed all these years and LETTING yourself being betrayed after all these years, and you are still very new on your journey. You need to figure out YOUR OWN "why"s too as you also BETRAYED YOURSELF, as we all have had to do. You may want to demonstrate more respect and humility for that fact. Respectfully, your empathy for waywards is NOT coming from a position of strength, not yet at least.

What really concerns me is how you are trying to be advising other new BSs--who probably already lost themselves in their marriage trying to R--in regards to empathy for their waywards. I think its destructive.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:16 PM, Friday, April 17th]

You are mistaken in one sense and correct in another one, but this second one you’ll likely disagree because it comes from my point of view which you don’t share (and it is fine).

My betrayal was in 2008. That is the years of collapse, trauma. There were before that one and one after. Likely not physical (though it doesn’t matter), all before the marriage and even before my coming here.

So it’s 18 years from the start of the journey, the real difference is this: I faced it alone. Completely.

Was not a fun ride.

I am also quite ass in explaining, most likely due in part to the language barrier and by the fact that today I need to use very little words to convey my thoughts and feelings, communication with others changed from verbal to presence, and we lose this part in this medium, so I have to resort to a wall of text. A thing I must admit I have never refined as a skill and I must work on it, while I try to tell it all it often doesn’t land not due to the recipient of the conversation, due to my shitty ability in verbal synthesis.

So allow me to indulge a bit more in my anal explanations, I am slowly improving and will get there eventually. Some foul language is a choice to shorten my prose here.

Where you are correct that the betrayal is "fresh" is that before the moment of change, I kept betraying myself. Every single day.

Because betrayal is and always was a deal breaker for me. Forgiveness is not one of my virtues.

I lied to myself that I had forgiven her for 18 fucking years.

I didn’t, not then, not now. I don’t know if I ever can, I assume that it might be perhaps possible, if she fulfills some conditions, but I will only know if or when, she gets there. And if I will still be there for here, because frankly, I don’t know, nor I care or worry what I will do tomorrow.

I am not staying out of fear of loneliness or afraidness of not getting a woman. Never been a problem when I was weak, today is even less so, if I so choose.

This to understand I am not "negotiating " from a position of scarcity or fear, I did not "find myself" because that was never lost, I simply stopped hiding it and try to wear clothes that never fit me.

I like this because it feels just natural, free. There’s no more pain here. There’s also no more numbness, during the hell ride I was numb, I was certain only numbness and disconnection from others would quiet the pain.

Imagine the surprise when the pain got away, emotions about today, yesterday or tomorrow come and go and do not linger stuck as worries, and instead of disconnected from other people I feel closer than ever. Because the fear of being hurt died, I can accept others for who they are, feel for them if I sense they are worthy of that, and I don’t have to perform because I have no shame for who I am. I am very conscious of my good and my flaws, I just don’t give a fuck what others may think about the article, that’s what is on the table because I can only be me, I am done performing. what matters are my actions and behavior (so part of living and growing up, not of a performance) aligned with the values of the people I interact with or not.

Turns out that I seem to align with a lot of people, more than I would think now that I am just myself, I only really dislike the kind of people that I tended to dislike before (surprise: is it a wonder a lot of them just happen to be unredeemable or unremorseful cheaters?) and again here, I dislike them not for who they are, but for what they choose to do and how they perform as "fake".

Basically I turned from a shutdown, hardly sociable and mistrustful individual into a normal person. Just with a very low tolerance for bullshit and no fear to confront or tell it right to someone face.

There is no black magic here, this is just due to resolution of my own traumas, from childhood ones to the betrayal trauma. This is how most people who are reasonably healthy are. As I could have always been this way if I faced my ghosts before.

I do feel stronger than average absolutely, but this is because I had the dubious privilege of being through some really harsh shit, so I already know what is like to both fall in and climb out, while luckier people who never had this pleasure fear it as an unknown. I know the bottom, hence I am more resilient. Like everyone else here who managed to heal (Bs and WS, I know you don’t like to hear, but both are changed) they are stronger and more resilient, no longer doormats or fuckarounds.

I feel that you assume since I didn’t divorce my wife yet I must be still under the trauma.

While this sometimes holds true is also a fallacy. It is if some conditions cause it against your desires.

This does not apply, because I don’t care. Yes I can appreciate that she is doing the work, even years after, even if she has been faithful for the last 18 years. This is her take of course. My take? She never fucking changed. She did not cheat in the last 18 years but she never faced her ghosts and issues. So she is still the same woman. Until she changes she is still the cheater.

You do see as weakness if I cut her some slack because she is trying to work get therapy, suffering when she tries to get reassurance and gets zero from my end.

I can see from where you come from, it’s fine.

Truth is, I don’t care, I feel no hate, no love in the romantic sense, I still like her for her good sides, but I fucking loathe the cheater flaws. And I was clear about it with her where she stands in my book. There is no reconciliation until she is able to resolve her issues completely. Even then, I have no idea if I will want it. I don’t care right now because she is just not there. If ever she gets there, I’ll see how I feel then. Anyway I will be happy she is no longer a broken person as in the detached- agape sense of love, not the connected Eros one. I don’t hate her, that emotion also died with the pain.

Thoug right now she might prefer if that was the case. Her problem, not mine.

About humility and being humble.

I actually got into therapy because I was curious about reading here. And did not know if my state was healing or another facet of trauma.

I even had a great example of bullshit therapy so blatant that even my wayward wife was able to notice and call it out.

So therapy is fascinating and I will explore it as it is like here a moment to reflect and learn naming what was. What the therapist said is I am well regulated, but we can still explore the past from childhood to identify the roots of the trauma and how they impacted and evolved during my history.

I am down for it, I can learn something for sure.

How did it describe my healing process is this: instead of processing the healing consciously and with guidance from the top down as you do in therapy, I happened to go from the opposite, bottom-up. No guidance or analysis, so it is the short end of the stick, painful and slow. One good thing is instinctive so while I know zero technique or descriptors, is just coming naturally to me because it was subconsciously learned.

Plus and minuses, I wouldn’t recommend my process to anyone not because I didn’t get better, but simply because I have no conscious clue how it worked.. only thing I suspect is 18 years is on the longer end for a healing process. So the therapeutic process is very likely the best choice for someone in pain.

And no, I don’t think there is much difference in the end results, what I am learning in therapy is that where I stand today is the goal of therapy, I just picked the shitty road instead of the highway.

So about my advice to BS and WS.

I don’t care what you think here. I was in pain and now I am not.

If my perspective can help someone then good. If it doesn’t sound right it should be discarded.

I often tell when giving advice that my experience was pretty fucked up, and recommend to follow the codified therapy guidelines because it does just make better sense.

I speak mostly about emotions because it is what I navigated through. Sometime I feel like putting the effort to bring them into words and thoughts, like I did in this initial post.

Sometimes people find it useful, other times they don’t, sometimes it even pisses someone off.

It’s all good, I am no guid nor I care, I speak when I feel empathy for someone or sometimes speak to myself.

I do not cuddle WS, or BS. I gave really uncomfortable perspectives to both several time. Sometimes my perspective can seem more optimistic than others.

I don’t mind because my path was mine alone, pick and choose what works if you feel it might, in the end is the person suffering the only one who can heal themselves, I know that and I know that whatever it works for them is fine.

Wether is coming from me or not is irrelevant.

—- edited—-

One last thing because I explained but I didn’t address your main concern, and I like your concern because it comes from a good place.

So here:

I don’t advise or try to inspire empathy towards their wayward partners’s cheating when I interact with new BSs.

That would be fucking cruel.

If you mean empathy as "they are a person, not a monster, just deeply flawed and weak", this is reframing the reality for what it is. The Bs got backstabbed not because the BS is "weak", they were backstabbed by a weak person that they held dear. Big difference.

I am generally pretty harsh about the cheaters and while I Do explain what’s likely happening inside their waywards, it is usually to make 5e bs understand that is not happening because of them, but because the character flaws of the wayward partner.

And usually I present the WS as weak, not to induce pity, but because they are. Weak enough to destroy their closest person for a brief validation high to soothe their broken ego.

What I say usually boils down to this. (Paraphrasing)

You have been wounded in one of the deepest ways a human being can be wounded.

Your reality is gone. Your identity is shattered. Your attachment is broken.

You feel like you are not chosen, not enough replaceable.

This is wrong because is your wounded self still protecting the image of the person you loved and who abused you.

Truth is they did because of this and this flaw. Is not your fault.

They should duck off for your own sake and healing.

If you can’t just let them go now, protect yourself with boundaries and put yourself first.

You heal first. Once healed you see where you stand.

If you feel that you want to try again be wary, nobody deserves a second chance, it is your call.

Don’t do it unless you see true remorse from the WS and that they are putting the work. Or you will not R but trauma bond, and suffer again.

You heal you. The WS heals the ws.

Only then you can begin considering reconciliation

This is hardly encouraging the BS to become a doormat to their cheater. Is a call to reframe a reality that feels broken and reclaim their agency.

Yes sometimes I go harsher. Yes I may point flaws in both if I spot some. Usually is to give someone pause before running towards reconciliation attempts when the conditions seems not ready.

Pointing red flags may suck, but is better than cuddling.

(I know few users who will be laughing at this new wall of text. But hey, I need to work on it)

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:06 PM, Friday, April 17th]