SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been many years since I was on this website. And life has changed in so many ways, all for the better. I'd like to share my experience of life after the infidelity ended in my relationship and what I would do differently. It's really long but i wanted to put it all out there so maybe it could help someone else.

My husband's affair lasted at least 5 -6 years.. It was with a coworker, 20 years his junior. He was the supervisor and she was a part-time employee. Their affair was hot and heavy the first few years. It cooled down a little when she started to ask when he was leaving me. He never separated from me or filed divorce. I filed for divorce TWICE. Each time, he would do just enough to make me think he wanted me and our family. He told her he loved her and they would be together after our son graduated high school ( I saw the text). Back then, I think that I was proud he wouldn't leave me for her, kind of like a "Haha!. You aren't special enough for him to leave me. You did not win this stupid contest." sort of feeling. In the end it didn't really matter. Did I really come out the "winner"?

As you may see in my old posts, I was devastated. I also was a very broken woman with the inability to make good choices for myself. I stayed during the whole entire affair. I listened to the lies, waited patiently while he came home late , caught him at her house several times, put up with all the harassment from her and her familiy (text messages, phone calls, driving by my house cussing me and coming to my job) The job they were working together went out of business. He started working for another company and got her a job there, too.. I found out . Did I leave when this happened? NOPE. I stayed. Oh, the things I allowed and tolerated are so embarrassing to me now.

After the affair ended, it was terrible at home. He didn't express any remorse or regret. I didn't expect any. But, it would have been nice. I thought that I had given him this gift of reconciliation (me) and that he would be grateful for that. He acted mad that he was still here. He was moody, mean spirited and seemed pissed at me all the time. I'd like to add that my husband has been diagnosed with bipolar. I blamed the moodiness on that. Lucky for him, I always rationalised his treatment of me. This poor treatment continued for some time.

Then, in spring of 2023, I started to see a therapist. I didn't know what was wrong with me (a lot), but I knew that I couldn't continue to live the way I was living. I was in a constant state of anxiety and panic. My self esteem was at rock bottom. . Me and the therapist started to really dig into my childhood and family structure. It was eye-opening and devastating at the same time. I could see where my decision making skills originated. I am really, really working hard on figuring out who I am and what type of life that I want. I know what kind of life i don't want. I was so pathetic. I'm ashamed of all the bad behavior i allowed toward me. I'm still working on reconciling this within myself. I'll admit it is a struggle some days.

In April 2024, i admitted myself to the psych ward at the local hospital feeling suicidal. I was there for a week. Truthfully, i didn't feel much better upon leaving. Things at home were better for a while. And then in October, i crashed and burned again. This time was worse. . My body and mind were fucking exhausted dealing with all the unnecessary shit.. I lost about 25 pounds in a month (it is all back now and then some--haha) I set boundaries with my husband and my family. This was so difficult to do as I had never set a boundary in my life! EVER!

My advice for those dealing with infidelity is this: LEAVE.

The first time they cheat. The second time or however many times it takes for you to realize that they chose to hurt you, break your spirit and devastate your heart. The affair is the biggest sign of disrespect to you. They know how it is going to affect you, they still do it. That's all you need to know. They can't make it any clearer if they continue the affair. And even if they don't, they knew an affair would be like dropping a bomb on your household.

If i could go back in time, i would have left at the first verification of the affair. Packed my shit and left. I can't and won't live with someone who doesn't respect my heart. And quite frankly, i don't care how sorry they are. You deserve more than lies, deceit and disrespect.

We've been together for almost 40 years. I love him dearly. He's worked on himself as well these past year or so. We're in a good space now. ONLY because i stayed and made the changes needed to stay healthy and set boundar

ies. Strong boundaries. For the first time in a long time, I like myself. And that feels good to say.

So, whatever you decide to do, just know you are the one with the power. It might take some hard decision making on your part. Best wishes to all of you.

[This message edited by feelingfoolish at 9:26 PM, Friday, March 6th]

My advice for those dealing with infidelity is this: LEAVE.

I predict you’ll get blowback here for stating that, but I think you’re right. Or at least the default recommended response to adultery should be: start the process of leaving. If the adulterer starts moving heaven and earth by way of action to work on themselves and the relationship they just murdered, and meekly receives natural consequences of their choices, then, and only then, perhaps consider R, if that’s what you desperately want.

Please let me clarify: What I should have said is that the person who took vows with you has betrayed those vows in a terrible way. The disrespect will forever affect you. If you're able to live with that, by all means, do so.

This person who is me in 2026 is saying that I'll never give my trust to someone who betrayed me again. No second chances. I can't accept it any longer. And if I can't trust you, then, we can't be together.

Sorry I'm a little confused but are you saying you may have just decided to go your separete ways now, or...?

Betrayal is abuse.

If the cheater does not realize they are being abusive, feels genuine regret and guilt and start to change themself to resolve the issues that bring to cheating (which is hurting them as well, no matter the story they tell themselves, you can leave them and heal. They can't leave themselves), then they ad more abuse to the already worse abuse you can do in a relationship.

At that point the answer is only one: fuck off.

What you suffered is abuse, because the strategy of shaming and blaming you worked and so they used you as a mirror to keep their self esteem while being as low life shitty as he could (instead of resolving the issue he spiralled lower and lower).

Of course you feel bad, and you should trash this person to the bin.

Leave and live.

Is hard to be with a Betrayer even if they put in the work into changing themselves.
Unremorseful ones: eradicate them from your existence, they do not love you, they are just toxic.

If I may inject, when feelingfoolish says just leave, the part of the puzzle that may be missing from that statement, and what caught my eye, was that her husband didn’t give a shit enough to do the work. Some on here know how long I spent hoping to reconcile with dismissive avoidant, now ex wife. She never showed signs of regret or remorse, refused to put in the work, dismissed my pain, said my reactions were me just overreacting and being dramatic. So yea, in that situation, pack your shit up and leave. Had my ex put in honest work, showed the remorse and provided reassurance and proof that she has learned, and was working to change into a safe partner, we’d likely still be together. I’m sure I would have always carried remnants of lack of trust from her, I’m sure most betrayeds carry that the rest of their lives. Just don’t put up with a betraying spouse who won’t put in the work that it takes to repair the damage that they caused.

** Member to Member **

I'm glad you're finding yourself and building and maintaining your boundaries. IMO, that's the key to healing, and healing - not deciding what to do with one's relationship - is job one for the BS after being betrayed.