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So I am currently wearing my husband’s recently deceased mother’s tote bag. However it’s starting to crack at the handles.

As we were out shopping my FWH points out a Mark Jacob’s tote and asks if I liked it. I felt disgusted.

He had bought her a Tory Burch tote and initially lied about getting gifts.

I wondered if he saw that she needed a bag and had asked her to pick something out or did he just buy it and send it?

The unknown started overwhelming me and I said -
"Tote bags are problematic for me. If you got me one it wouldn’t be on sale at an outlet store. Get ready to pay""

I am not into luxury like that. I mentioned the designers because I said to myself if he got that POS a $250 tote mine will need to hit him in his pockets so that he knows I’m worth way more than her. I know he knows this.

It’s so pathetic of me.

I’m not sure why I had that reaction.

I am literally not into luxury like that but I’m pricing Dior, Vutton, Lou Buttons…..

I find it stupid to spend $3000+ on a tote bag. OW had been arrested for shop lifting in her 20s and he told me she’d purchase luxury items on her department store credit card and reselling them for cash—-a real class act.

It’s the luxury show offy thing that he had during the affair that also pisses me off.

Can somebody help me understand why I’m reacting this way when I would never do that in the past?

IMO, you want to see how much he values YOU vs this other woman. It would be nice if it were spontaneous, but you're trying to get him to prove what you mean to him in dollars and cents. I totally understand that and don't have a problem with it, but you might consider a couple of things. He was trying to win her over. He already has you so he had to try harder with her. It's like when you're first dating, you go all out to impress the new date - whether it's with a fancy place (one guy I dated actually rented a Cadillac for the first date and that was impressive back then). Women will dress up to the 9s, put on the best clothes, make-up, etc. Everyone's on best behavior. I think starting an affair is like the first stages of dating, each is trying to hyper impress the other, it's all kind of fake, but...we have to start somewhere. Even cheaters have to start somewhere. So it's a different dynamic than it is with you. But on the other hand.....you want some kind of objective proof that he values you as much - hopefully more - than this OW. And that is very reasonable.

However, do you really want a tote bag? If there's something else that might be expensive, that might seem like he's put down some dough to impress you or make you happy, it should be something you would really want and enjoy. The tote bag, even if he bought it, might continue to make you think of the A and the OW. I'd do something else you might really want and it might not be a thing, maybe it's an experience, like a spa vacation or a class or a trip or a broadway show, or whatever. So I'd recommend you think about what you really want, not in competition with OW in your head, but a real thing you'd want and enjoy.

I'm sure other folks here will have other perspectives as well. But we all want to be valued and appreciated especially in WAYS THAT SHOW.

I think BondJaneBond summed it up perfectly.

FWIW even though it’s 13 years since the affair, my H knows he cannot play jazz music. Ever. I learned that was something they "bonded" with and had plans to meet at a jazz club as one of their pretend business meetings.

If someone else plays it I am ok. I can tolerate it. But it’s basically just banned. I never really cared for it prior to the affair, but for some odd reason, just hearing jazz music just irks me.

So I get where you are coming from with the designer tote bag. However if that were me I would not want anything similar to what the OW had.

I’d go for a piece of jewelry or lavish vacation instead lol. 😂

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:58 AM, Wednesday, February 25th]

I can not improve on anything BondJaneBond said. We are thinking along the same lines, she just said it mic drop level.

We all have our triggers and/or things that just no longer sit right. I have a list, but this post isn't about me.

The1stWife hit on something. Do you really want a tote bag? Designer or otherwise? I'm with her - I wouldn't want anything she had.

Find something that YOU would want for YOU. Go with that :)

I relate to the title of this thread, but it's a different situation. My wife had an overnight bag that she used for her 3 trysts. A couple of months after d day we were packing for a trip and it just kind of snuck up on me when she grabbed that same bag to pack some stuff in. As soon as I saw it I was transported back to seeing her walk out the door to go meet her AP with that bag. Of course I didn't know that's what she was doing at the time. She was supposed to be spending the night with a friend to keep her company while her husband was in the hospital. Little did I know...

As soon as I saw her grab that bag I was immediately and unexpectedly triggered. To her credit, she ran it out to the outside garbage bin when she realized why I was upset so it's gone now. I can still see that red and black bag in my mind.

So while my situation was different, I totally get how a person can be triggered by something like that. I think Jane's assessment is probably pretty accurate, and like The1stWife's suggestion, too. Maybe you don't necessarily need a fancy new designer bag, but I'll bet you can think of something else that you might actually want. Take him to the cleaners, lol.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:55 PM, Sunday, March 1st]

(Double post)

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:48 PM, Sunday, March 1st]

This is another one of those things the cheater never considers.

How sad you had to face this.

Had a somewhat similar experience.....but much more expensive. OW, OBS, FWH, and I were all triathletes. To my knowledge, no expensive gifts were exchanged during the A....other than my piece of mind. DDay, I ran over his very expensive tri-bike with his truck...in front of him. I have driven cars much less expensive than the average tri-bike. He didn't replace it, but repaired it....as a symbol of him repairing what he also broke in our marriage.

A year later....I went out and bought the upgraded version of his old bike for myself. It felt like good book ends to the situation. It was definitely more than I needed, but it was something I wanted to have....and I wanted it to be better than OW's or FWH's bikes. It was satisfying to see OW do a double take when she saw me on the race course.

Do it for you. Get what you want, for you.

I was triggered by butter brands (only Kerry Gold) and beer they shared. Triggers are going to happen over the most stupid things. Still find them out of the blue 7 years later.

Hang in there.

You rock Ladybugmaam!

I ran over his very expensive tri-bike with his truck...in front of him.

I love this. Do NOT F with Ladybugmaam!

It’s useful to remember the lessons of the Honey they always Affair down post by DBB. The WS needing to peacock and table dance and offer fool’s gold to an AP, i.e. buy favour and regard, as they feel themselves not enough without the fools gold, is a reminder of how shit and empty they really feel underneath, no matter how the ego strokes temporarily distract. It’s also useful, at least imo, to try and replace the word ‘trigger’ with ‘memory activation’, it feels less loaded and threatening, and helps invoke and remind us of the neuroplasticity benefits of rewriting, overwriting, or reframing those memories and synapses. To shift us from passive to active, victim to protagonist.

I would guess that most BSs, if you’ll excuse the generalisation, have a period where they feel absolutely shit in comparison to what initially looks like a shiny OP - when we initially make the mistake of seeing it as a competition between OP and BS. I certainly did. But we move on from that feeling, often quite quickly, and in stages. It may be that it is this period of memory that has been briefly activated for you, along with that very unhelpful sense of competition. But there is and was no competition because you always were the prize and probably don’t really want any fools gold anyway (at least speaking for myself here). What other ways might your FWS help you feel prized, are they failing to do so at the moment, and might there be any reasons that you are a little down on yourself currently? I say that because often memory activation (what aspect of a memory is activated and why) can be a window into the current psyche that can help us figure out useful stuff about ourselves here and now (as well as remind us to overwrite the memory in more helpful ways).

ETA, realised that all sounds a bit like teaching a grandmother to suck eggs, but hopefully might be helpful to any newbies reading.

😊🤞

[This message edited by Edie at 12:11 PM, Saturday, March 7th]

Thank you so much for your replies. I liked the concept of memory activation.

This is the gift that keeps on giving.

I want to be over it but I am not.

Wow...Edie....that's so spot on.