I am at a turning point right now, but I want to answer something I care
Not enough of what?
Not enough valuable of a person to be worth committing to. In my case, not enough of a man, for her.
I believe this to be the case 95 percent of the time. I definitely know it’s true in my case. In fact, I knew my husband was the better man the entire time, I never lost sight of that even in the deepest parts of what I think of as my sickness.
My case is different, she replaced me every single time. She kept me as an emotional option for her ego, lying to me about how much she loved me and I was special to her. The moment one affair gave her more comfort in the moment and she thought it could be stabilized, she left me. Just to come back to me when it failed shortly after. No care for my pain. No care for my feelings. No regret, lies. No respect for me as a person rebuilding a life after betrayal.
I was a commodity, she simply needed me to feel better at that time while she searched. So to feel that need I had to pay the price with my life and future to soothe her void.
Was not honest R and I can see the results today.
I don’t believe in soul mates, not in the way people talk about it. There are lots of people we can be attracted to and have compatibility with. I believe romantic love ebbs and flows and it’s what you do in the ebbs that define your character, not your spouses worth.
I absolutely believe in soulmates, it’s the very difference you get from a ‘friend’ and a Friend with capital F.
- There are many people you click with. You call them friends, they are good to keep around, support each other in good and bad times, they are valuable and you care for, but there’s always a line. You can take the good with no limits, but you can take just enough of the bad before reaching the line.
- There are few people who are a true match, those are are a rarity of a connection, you call these friends, but the connections between you is so deep that they really become family. It’s truly loyal, people who are there for you and you are there for them even though your detriment if needed. It’s love even if not romantic. They truly matter for you and you truly matter for them. You don’t let each other down not out of convenience but out of love. An extension of you, is precious, is shared.
- Then there’s the relationship part, partnership you click with, you have desire and feelings of love, is real and matters , like the first kind of friendship but much deeper. Because you share more, you can have children with and spend a life together. It’s real and valuable, but no matter what there is a line , they are your precious partner, you and them will do almost anything for each others. Almost, that’s where the line is.
- And like with friends there’s the romantic equivalent of ‘soulmates’. This is very rare, perhaps not unique, but the combination of factors that must click together is a serious lottery chance. It is a true match like true friendship but deeper. It is a romantic relationship that bypasses the others, not because of magic but because the match combination is rare. And these relationships are scary because they will change you to your core, there is no "if" it’s inevitable, you form a bond that is too deep, depending on the partners maturity this will change you for the better or for the worse. You can only choose to stay or run, if you stay you will be forever changed, because you can’t help to accept the other person good and bad. It’s not completion, it’s merging of the light and darkness of 2 people. It doesn’t mean necessarily better it means riskier. Could be incredible or devastating, because you both are so exposed that fear or misstep can kick in and you will both suffer more than in other kinds of relationships. And we humans are great at fucking up stuff.
This is human nature, we connect but there are degrees. These are only the examples of relationships closest to your heart because is what we talk about here.
Now betrayal. Each of the above can suffer from betrayal. And that itself can vary in intensity from small to devastating. Little lies, fears or bad decisions, to intentional harm.
Each kind of betrayal carries its own emotional impact.
For each tier of connection that betrayal will hurt deeper. The deepest the connection the more painful and hard to heal and forgive the wound is.
Probably there is a worse scenario too, one delusional party. You can offer a level of connection that is not reciprocated. For whatever reason, true unreciprocation or withdrawal from fear by the other party.
If this is the case the delusional party will hurt way more than the offending party who pulled back.
You may both suffer, the intensity is different.
Deciding factor about healing ❤️🩹 is depending if it was truly unreciprocated or it was a pull back out of fear or unresolved issues:
- if it was unreciprocated the delusional person will eventually find out and reassess the value of it all. You accept it was a delusion, a mistake from your side, and reframes everything in being used by the other person, because that’s the case or they would have clarified. Their value drops to zero and below, you can truly heal and forget, because it was all your projection, there was no mirror. There was no real loss here, just a lesson learned about yourself. This is no loss, the pain is additive (you added the painful situation by creating a fantasy) Healing is real.
- a pull back hurt more because it was true connection and they (or you) stepped out, or where indecisive about being all in. Here is a matter of loss due to choices. The loss is real here.
And loss is the hardest emotional hitter to your heart. The connection was there and now is gone. You can never fully recover from a loss, you can move on but will leave a scar. Is like losing your child vs not having a child. Both are painful, but the loss scars you for life. Because you had and now they are gone.
And this is how I understand the whole matter of soulmates.
Losing a friend or a romantic relationship hurts. Losing a true friend or a soulmate deeply scars.
One can feel any degree of pain ranging from losing your wallet to losing your dearest childhood possession, the one that helped you to grow and you preserved for lifelong memory to pass on to your kids.
You will have fond memories and maybe melancholy, but you’ll be fine.
The other feels like, from the pain for the death of a close relative, up to the death of your child.
You will survive, but you will never forget. The scar changes you for the rest of your life.
So yes, your grief is absolutely understandable and natural. Can it be something again? Maybe? Either way you can build the life you want and you can have great love again with someone else. You can also have great love again with her if that’s what you both want and prioritize. Our feelings usually go where our thoughts go, and of course right now your thoughts about all this are not rainbows and sunshine and will not be for a long time.
Things like this leave a scar. It can be mended, as in rebuilt. But only if both are more than committed, that means no but or if, there is no line, rebuilding requires an even stronger commitment than starting.
You have to both be ready for self sacrifice if or when it’s needed. It’s now a painful process while before it was a pleasure hike. If you are scared of the pain and hesitate, then you cannot succeed.
In our terms the BS is on the ground bleeding, has to stand up , heal the wounds and offer a hand.
The WS is also hurting and has to stand up, take the BS hand and crawl with them, both completely naked and vulnerable, on the field of broken glass that’s been the shattered bond.
You will both bleed again right after having tended to your wounds. It will hurt both for as long as it takes.
Is when you both are holding strong when your partner is bleeding more that you can rebuild the foundation.
One day that’ll be solid enough that the broken glass under will hurt you no more. Then you can truly rebuild, having shared something that very few people can really pull off. Bonding stronger through adversity.
The broken glass will always be there below the floor, down in the basement of the memory, sometimes a shard will sting and hurt, that’s reality.
But you have a new solid base you can both live and build up upon. That’s real too.
Cheaters are not using the same frame of mind when choosing to cheat.
You have it framed in a monogamous and loyal mindset. That you wouldn't have sex with another person if you are already having exclusive sex with a person. That in order to do so, you have to choose.
A cheater is not choosing between. They are choosing both (or many). They are not hampered by their promises or ethics. They don't need to choose between meals on a prix fixe menu. They are at an all you can eat buffet.
It doesn't reflect on your value as a person, it reflects on their lack of values.
Maybe this advice helps, maybe not.
i get what you say and thank you.
No it doesn’t reflect your own value as a person.
It wounds the attachment, our natural trait of connection, we are wired for it as much as we are wired to breathe oxygen.
Attachment is not a choice, is trust. Attachment is biologically expensive, is the biggest investment you will ever do. That’s why it becomes monogamy, you simply can’t afford to invest anything more anywhere else.
Is not a choice is a stability need.
The cheater is not choosing, is just not investing the moment they cheat, leaving you exposed and that’s life draining for the betrayed.
They lied about their investment, they exploit you and they exploit others. And doing so they sabotage themselves as well.
But you are the one who is forced to pay the bill for the all you can eat buffet, while your cheating partner knew already full well you’re being bankrupted.
It does diminish your value, although temporary you are forced to pay the price, and you lost everything you invested until now. You can always recover, not everyone does.
Because you take a brutal hit, depending how much you invested, that’s what you lost. Is not if or when or an investment fallacy. The moment you are cheated on, you lost. All that was in. And you have to pay for the cheater buffet bill as well.
No matter how many affair partners they invited at their buffet party, you are already broke and you have to pay for all.
Translated to myself, I invested all in what I believed once. I lost it all when she cheated the first two times (because I just found out another one). I gave her trust again, and bet my future at 20. So I lost my past, my future and I lost my entire adult life.
Exactly 20 years later I find myself at the same edge of the cliff she thrown me in several times. With a child. All is lost and I have to rebuild front zero again.
Does this reflect my own value?
No, I will rebuild it will work out, I know my worth.
But I surely took the hit, and she still stands there, justifying her needs and entitlement, while pretending to be a partner. Excusing and taking no accountability.
So if the WS doesn’t change.
I was not chosen. I was not enough. I was replaceable.
Is not my worth here, is the wound and the bill for her buffet.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:21 AM, Saturday, February 14th]
