I've been on both sides of this. The simple answer is it takes a lot of time and self-reflection and honest work to feel, not just learn, the damage you did to her. That's important. Until you really feel her pain and devastation at being betrayed by her person, the person to whom she has pledged her life and love to, only to be dismissed and disregarded, you'll always be on the outside wondering what to do.
That fact that she even cares about whether you "get it" is a good sign. She's not trying to punish you and genuinely wants your empathy.
She is handling being betrayed far better than I did. Long story short, my former fiancee cheated, I was devastated and revenge cheated in an especially spiteful way. I white-knuckled our "reconciliation" and smugly believed we were "even," even though it profoundly affected my feelings for her. I was never suspicious or guarded, I just lost my emotional connection to her and wouldn't admit it. Later, when I was particularly isolated and vulnerable, she went on a wild cheating spree with anyone and everyone who would agree, ruining many of my relationships and my personal reputation among our small circle of common friends. I was crushed and devastated, reeling in how unfair it all was.
Now, decades later and passing my 31st year of marriage to a wonderful woman, I "get it." I now know why I did it. I was hurt and too immature and full of rage to see it as anything but a personal attack. My "honor" demanded compensation. I basically ignored her pain and privately high-fived myself for the point I'd made.
I now also understand she did what she did. She was vulnerable and broken and frankly very entitled. The POSOM came along at the right time. It was never about my shortcomings. She was full of self-hate and shame for what she did initially (pretty serious FOO issues for both of us, I may add) and I deliberately fueled her self-hate. She did what she did because she was weak and selfish, I did what I did to hurt her on purpose. She gave up her integrity, willingly, because in the moment she believed she needed it and thought she could live with it. But she learned she could not and voluntarily confessed to me, wanting me to allow her make amends. That changed once she saw that I was not who she thought I was...namely someone who would never hurt her. At that point, why not lean all the way in?
Do I still harbor some pain for what she did? Of course. It's not on my mind much at all until I come to this site. But I understand it better now and genuinely wish her well.
Don't be a cautionary tale. Keep coming here and learning. And allow her to make any decision she wants. If she wants to move on, that's her right and frankly that's what you deserve. But keep your integrity...no matter what.
Stay strong.
[This message edited by 1994 at 4:14 PM, Friday, February 13th]
