SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel drawn to get this sentiment out, perhaps this will resonate with some.

I feel helpless in so many ways. Helpless to change the past, helpless to reverse the pain inflicted, helpless as I watch infidelity tarnish the world around me.

I know this is something to accept- I cannot change the past. I cannot control outcomes. I cannot prevent infidelity in others. But it is difficult to sit with that.

I see infidelity and other forms of betrayal all around me: in movies, TV, stories from friends… I am desperate to fix. To control. To prevent. But I recognize I cannot, it is not my place, it is not my right.

On a more personal note, part of my acceptance of a lack of control was my learning to step back from taking care of everything for my ex-husband. I wanted to "fix" him, to solve every problem for him, to take care of everything for him so he never felt any pain, difficulty, adversity. I worked multiple jobs so he didn’t have to work and could focus on his music. I tried to gently support him through addiction and take on the burden of that for him. I dove into trying to diagnose his mysterious symptoms related to lupus, and made more progress than his doctors. I cleaned up after him, I did his laundry, I handled all issues for him.

How shortsighted. Did I truly believe I was helping? How could I not see that by making the short term easy, I made his long term difficult? I enabled him and allowed him to build a life with me without his own money, his own responsibilities, his own lessons.

Even my line of thinking removes his autonomy- "I enabled" "I allowed". As if he is not capable of his own choices.

I am practicing how to not try to "fix" everything and everyone around me. Who am I to know any better? I was unfaithful 13 years ago and kept the secret, believing that the illusion of safety and love was better than authentic pain. It does not help anyone for me to intervene. I can support, I can provide assistance to friends and family when requested, and I can do my best to make the world a better and more positive place every day without overstepping and control.

I have learned through many months of intensive therapy that I have been this way for the majority of my life. My biggest fear is watching others spiral into irreversible and life-ruining choices. My mother is an alcoholic and an addict who lost her husband, career, daughter, family, physical health, and mental health through her addictions. She was cruel and abusive to me, and she drank herself into a stroke and lost her short term memory and ability to walk or function normally when I was 12. She is now 70 and is alone, in the throes of continued alcoholism, drugs, and debt in an assisted living facility that attempts to keep her alive. I would have given anything to save her, to take away her pain.

The part of me that wanted to save her and prevent this irreversible damage wants to save others before they can become that. I almost wait until I myself become that. And that core belief, and the deep unyielding desire to prevent others from following the same path, has caused immeasurable pain for my ex husband and myself.

[This message edited by heartbroken12345 at 7:31 PM, Friday, January 16th]

No stop sign, I feel your emotions, you clearly feel a heavy burden on yourself.

I understand you were trying to very hard to make other people's lives better to avoid the person who surround you and you love to lose themselves in what appeared to you as your traumatic past.

We share a lot of similarities in sacrificing for others and make our and our people's life better than our FOO.
So I feel your sense of helplessness because I remember it too.

You have been betrayed and you betrayed.
One was probably a hard hit. The second, whether a reaction or a need, probably hit you deeper yet.

I can feel from what you wrote everything, though you are not helpless, you have a great drive, a warm heart and a ton of empathy.
Is the fear of not being able to influence the outcomes for others that eats you right?

While we cannot "fix"anyone, we can do that for ourselves and you seem to have done a lot in that direction.
And that will always be inspirational, to your close people too.

Responding not to give you answers here, but to listen to you.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, BFTS. I’m sorry you relate to the feeling of helplessness, it is a very difficult and desperate feeling.

The fact that I betrayed my XH does hit me much harder and deeper than his betrayals. This is just my personal experience, I’m not speaking for all madhatters. I have difficulty experiencing the pain from his betrayals because I feel like a hypocrite- how dare I think I have the right to be hurt by his infidelity when I was unfaithful? Something else I am reflecting on for myself.

Precisely what you said: I can work on myself forever, become the kindest and safest and most honest person possible, but it hurts to witness pain and suffering around me and know it is not my place to intervene. To only offer support, and not attempt to solve problems for others or stop them from making bad decisions, is difficult to sit with. I find myself wishing I could stop all infidelity from happening. All addiction. All health issues. It breaks my heart to witness these life altering betrayals and problems, and know I can’t stop them.

I am doing my best to learn that trying to solve others’ problems (or at least attempting to) doesn’t help in the long run, and it is far more helpful to provide support when asked. I am working on it every day. Thank you for listening

I have difficulty experiencing the pain from his betrayals because I feel like a hypocrite- how dare I think I have the right to be hurt by his infidelity when I was unfaithful? Something else I am reflecting on for myself.

Because the pain of betrayal trauma is different.

When you inflict pain, by betraying, you are adding a pain to your life your reality (almost all pain is "an addition" to your reality).

Betrayal does not add to your reality, it shatters it, takes away. So you lose the ground under your feet and fall. This rewires everything, past, present and future, you will question if everything was ever real.

So it is perfectly natural you suffer it more, you are not hypocrite, you are human, and you need the basic pillars of existential safety as every other human.

Don't ask how dare you, you have the absolute right to feel worse for that, because is natural.

It means you are human, you have feelings, emotions, that you loved, cared, and you are perfectly normal no matter all you may think of your issues.

Is a "comforting" thought in the middle of the storm.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:38 PM, Friday, January 16th]

I feel drawn to get this sentiment out, perhaps this will resonate with some.

I feel helpless in so many ways. Helpless to change the past, helpless to reverse the pain inflicted, helpless as I watch infidelity tarnish the world around me.

I know this is something to accept- I cannot change the past. I cannot control outcomes. I cannot prevent infidelity in others. But it is difficult to sit with that.

The only thing you can control is yourself and how you proceed moving forward. There is a great amount of power in that. The more you focus on that the more empowered you will feel. And then you build a recent history you ca be proud of and you build a person who is built with such a bigger capacity for coping, love, and compassion.

On a more personal note, part of my acceptance of a lack of control was my learning to step back from taking care of everything for my ex-husband. I wanted to "fix" him, to solve every problem for him, to take care of everything for him so he never felt any pain, difficulty, adversity. I worked multiple jobs so he didn’t have to work and could focus on his music. I tried to gently support him through addiction and take on the burden of that for him. I dove into trying to diagnose his mysterious symptoms related to lupus, and made more progress than his doctors. I cleaned up after him, I did his laundry, I handled all issues for him.

How shortsighted. Did I truly believe I was helping? How could I not see that by making the short term easy, I made his long term difficult? I enabled him and allowed him to build a life with me without his own money, his own responsibilities, his own lessons.

I do not think that this should be what you are focused on. He had choices about this, he let you do those things. It’s a classic codependent relationship. A great read for you is codependent no more.

You need to focus on why this was unhealthy for you and was a way of your lack of self worth manifesting in your reality.

I am a former over-giver, over-doer. This came from not feeling worthy of love. I did more and more and "didn’t see a return on my investment." I didn’t honk of it like that but I kept hoping the more I did the more I would be loved and valued. Generally, it just left me feeling lonely and taken for granted. This led to my affair. Over giving leads to burn out, testaments, and leaves a narrative of a marriage that negates the positives.

Even my line of thinking removes his autonomy- "I enabled" "I allowed". As if he is not capable of his own choices.

I am practicing how to not try to "fix" everything and everyone around me. Who am I to know any better? I was unfaithful 13 years ago and kept the secret, believing that the illusion of safety and love was better than authentic pain. It does not help anyone for me to intervene. I can support, I can provide assistance to friends and family when requested, and I can do my best to make the world a better and more positive place every day without overstepping and control.

Now this is definitely a healthier area to focus on. You are talking about having boundaries. It’s where one person’s responsibility ends and the other begins. This will help a lot of things shift. This is great work for you to be doing.

I h

ave learned through many months of intensive therapy that I have been this way for the majority of my life. My biggest fear is watching others spiral into irreversible and life-ruining choices. My mother is an alcoholic and an addict who lost her husband, career, daughter, family, physical health, and mental health through her addictions. She was cruel and abusive to me, and she drank herself into a stroke and lost her short term memory and ability to walk or function normally when I was 12. She is now 70 and is alone, in the throes of continued alcoholism, drugs, and debt in an assisted living facility that attempts to keep her alive. I would have given anything to save her, to take away her pain.

This is also great reflection. You learned codependency as love growing up. That is undeniably the source of where this started. Recognizing that is important because it helps you sort these things and recognize when you are relying on old patterns that do not serve you well. That must have been so painful, confusing, traumatic. It’s natural it would affect you for a long time.

The part of me that wanted to save her and prevent this irreversible damage wants to save others before they can become that. I almost wait until I myself become that. And that core belief, and the deep unyielding desire to prevent others from following the same path, has caused immeasurable pain for my ex husband and myself.

Yes! And when you know better you can start doing better. I would encourage you to lean into compassion with yourself. You are redeemable, you lived in a way you were taught, and it was incredibly toxic for you. You made decisions in that time that were based on that toxicity. This is not who you want to be and you are working on it. This is the path forward and many people never find it. You are doing great with your realizations and recognizing and practicing boundaries are important in the process.

Your ex husband contributed greatly to your marital situation. Noone of course deserves to be lied to or cheated on. But I sense you already know that and feel remorse about it.

A great book for you would be "rising strong" by brene brown because I think you will see that shame is the next mountain to climb. Keep posting, you are doing well!